Ebullient Golden State Warriors Fan Disappointed In Local Soccer Options

Oakland, CA - Ebullient Golden State Warriors fan Carlos Jimenez admitted that after his beloved Warriors locked up another NBA Championship that he was disappointed to find out that his local soccer options were the San Jose Earthquakes and San Francisco City FC.

Marcio Jose Sanchez/Associated Press

"Really? San Jose and an amateur team? That's the best I can do?" asked Mr. Jimenez as he slowly came back down to earth from the Warriors celebration. "I have to go from Steph Curry, Kevin Durant, Steve Kerr, and two championships in three years to Chris Wondolowski and Dom Kinnear? Nah, I think I'll pass."

Jimenez, reportedly, was excited by the idea of finding a new summer passion that could give him as much satisfaction as the Curry lead Warriors, but his investigation lead him down an unfulfilling rabbit hole of angry supporters, cheap ownership and frustrating teams.

"If you are already a fan, than good job and stick with it. Thing is, I'm new at this US Soccer thing and I'm not about to go from what feels like the beginning of a dynasty to watching people run around like they don't know what they are doing. I'm just going to stick with my dad's club of Tigres. Liga MX is easier to find on television anyway."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jimenez buys a Gignac kit.

St. Louis FC Fans Decide To Show Up To Game Anyway

St. Louis, MO - Despite a formerly flooded field and the current death of their Major League Soccer aspirations, fans of St. Louis FC decided to show up to their home game anyway as they packed the field to watch their local soccer team take on the Union's USL affiliate.

PHOTO:  @PTtheIslander - Reallifestl.com

"I don't know, there's just something about live soccer that connects with you because of a local connection," stated St. Louis FC fan Lamont Epps. "Although, no one seems to know entirely why we keep showing up if it isn't the best. Maybe that's because the, "best soccer," isn't entirely relevant in a country where we have 36 leagues that are all worse than Liga MX."

Sociologist Norman Hughes of the University of Miami, St Louis Annex: Institute Of Useless Things stated, "No one knows why these fans still show up, but they do. Its almost like they actually care about the team regardless of which league they are playing in. Studies show that this is not the case in the United States, but we will continue to monitor this situation. Perhaps they are in a cult."

When asked about this cult accusation, an anonymous St. Louis FC fan stated, "well.... yeah."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as St. Louis FC fans continue to attend games.

Pulisic: Pulisic, Pulisic, Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic, "Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

 Pulisic,  Pulisic -  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic,

"Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

Pulisic, Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic Pulisic, "Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic. 

Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.

Soccer Evangelists Converge On Bonnaroo To Spread The Good Word

Manchester, TN - Soccer Evangelists the country over began their convergence on Bonnaroo to help spread the good word of soccer in your community as they began the arduous task of ministering to the destitute, thirsty, the naked, the drunk and the really high, this weekend

HOW MANY OF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MLS LIVE? 

Ok, LETS TALK ABOUT VPN SERVICES AND SOCCER, THEN WE WILL BE BRINGING ON MARSHMELLO.

"We are here to inform people about Soccer, the good word of the US Open Cup, the religion of Christian Pulisic, US Soccer Federation division structures, Major League Soccer intricacies and television ratings," stated Brother Thomas Elder of Orlando, Florida. "As a prelate within the North American Orthodox Ecumenical Council of Soccer Worshipers, It is my divine mandate to minister to the hopeless, the dirty, the fringe crop top wearing, and the really high on mushrooms during Major Lazer that Bonnaroo will deliver to our doorstep."

Brother Elder indicated that his tent would be ministering to the lost, the gallant and the disappointed baseball fans among the hordes of sweaty millennials that converge in Manchester to worship at the alter of socially conscious brands. However, he did indicate that expects competition from other Soccer Religions there to also minister to the hopelessly sweaty crowd.

"Our main competition will come from the True American Eastern Orthodox Soccer Worship diocese," stated Elder. "They come every year to spread their message that MLS is a false god who walks among us spreading lies with their vertiginous rules. Their message is one of false hope, of a Twitter where you spend all your time harassing everyone online because they disagree with you. Our belief is that you should only harass everyone who DOES believe with you, so sayeth our Abbot, er Mark Abbot."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a war breaks out between the two factions to be settled via a FIFA tournament in the Mountain Dew Apple Square Cool Zone brought to you by Red Bull and Dominos.

"This Would Be A Great Place For Local Soccer," States Denver Based USMNT Fan On First Visit To DSGP

Denver, CO - "This would be a great place for local soccer," stated Timothy Anderson of Denver to his friend Carl Young during halftime of the United States/Trinidad and Tobago World Cup Qualifier. "I wonder why Denver doesn't have a team?"

Don't worry, an aging goalkeeper will fix all these attendance woes.

Anderson admitted that this was his first trip to Dick's Sporting Good Park although he was quick to add, "I've traveled across the world for the USMNT."

Citing a list of cities and countries to which he has traveled following the United States, Anderson stated that he collectively spent nearly $10,000 to $15,000 over the past World Cup qualifiers, tournaments and friendlies.

"It'd be great if there was a local team to support, but I rep my country first. If Denver ever gets a soccer team in that MLS thing, just let me know. I'll be the first person to sign up for season tickets as long as it doesn't impact my upcoming trip with the American Outlaws to Mexico or my purchase of every custom design US kit that I will spend 4 hours bashing on Twitter before purchasing a Pulisic version."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson forgets his promise and turns down free Rapids tickets two months later.

Lamar Hunt Legacy Still Has 13 Years Left Before Journalists Will Criticize FC Dallas

Dallas, TX - Independent researchers for the Deloitte Legacy Study of Legacy confirmed that Lamar Hunt's family still has 13 years left on his initial legacy value after the much lauded "SAVING OF THE LEAGUE" investment back in 2001.

Look at all these soccer balls!

"Based on our calculations, the initial investment into the league gave Lamar Hunt and anything affiliated with him, even slightly, a 30 year return of only positive publicity," stated Deloitte fellow Janice Fellow. "We calculated that this initial outlay of good will in 2001 will insulate FC Dallas from criticism of any of their policies or stupid ideas for at least another 13 years, or until the team folds for a multitude of reasons."

Research into the much lauded Lamar Hunt legacy indicated that much like an inheritance, the blessing of the legacy was passed down to Clark Hunt who has attempted on numerous occasions to run the legacy into the ground.

However, as Ms. Fellow indicated to us via email, "Despite doing so many stupid things, over the years, the legacy remains intact, and it would be folly to criticize FC Dallas or Clark Hunt for absolutely idiotic treatment of their own fans as well as travelling fans from other cities. Or building a national soccer hall of fame in a stadium that no one really wants to visit, including the fans of his own team. Or overcharging for tickets while intentionally working to keep player costs low because the Clark Hunt doesn't want to pay anyone anything, especially players. No one would ever believe that happens regularly because LAMAR HUNT SAVED THE LEAGUE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas bans our pool reporter for writing this piece and then accuses him of setting off a smoke bomb at his house.

James Comey Refuses To Comment On Promotion Relegation

WASHINGTON - Stating, "Holy shit, there's no way I'm answering that question," former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation James Comey refused to answer pointed questions about promotion/relegation and whether the White House is keeping P&R from being implemented in North American soccer leagues that count to people in the United States because they aren't in Mexico.

I did not have promotional relations with that league.

"Do you or do you not at least acknowledge that the system has some merit," asked Senator Dianne Feinstein to Mr. Comey.

Mr. Comey replied that he would, "be unable to speak about matters without divulging critical elements of national security, and... as well.. I don't... well you know...., like.. you know.. my twitter feed is pretty cool right now, bros, and I don't need to totally blow it up by inviting those dudes who just wont stop talking about P&R all the time."

Mr. Comey then ducked questions about the impact of Promotion and Relegation in Liga MX and whether President Trump asked him to drop his investigation into the merits of a fully tiered soccer league as he stated, "I was asked whether or not I was loyal to the NASL and I told Mr President that I was, in fact, only going to be honest to him. I could not commit to loyalty to the NASL, but I will be honest about my loyalty to the NASL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Comey invokes "Chat Shit Get Banged" in his defense.

Major League Soccer Lays Framework For Competent Referees By The Year 3030

NEW YORK - Officials with Major League Soccer (MLS) spoke on a conference call, on Monday, to lay out the new framework for having competent referees by the year 3030 as they stated, "one day.... one day....this'll happen."

"Just so you know, I'm going to be completely impartial to the both of you and make stupid decisions not based on partiality but, rather, a lack of skill."

Officials with both the Professional Referee's Organziation (PRO) and the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) joined the call as they detailed a bullet point plan of increasing the level of referees in the nation.

Some of the bullet points given in the conference call were as follows.

#1 Get Better

#2 Get Better Without Needing To Be Paid More Money

#3 More Video Referee's to replace our current referee's that ain't no good

#4 More on field distractions to hide the bad referees

#5 Less pay to the referee's in order for what to make them lift themselves up by bootstraps

The conference call concluded without a QA period.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as PRO and MLS continue on their seemingly quixotic quest to improve the current state of referees.

Red Bull New York Fan Now Hopes To Watch Team Win MLS Cup Before Country Turns Into Despotic Wasteland

NEW YORK - On the day of the announcement of the United States rejecting the Paris Agreement, Red Bull New York fan David Frank admitted that he revised his dream from, "I hope I see Metro win an MLS Cup before I die," to, "I hope I see Metro win an MLS Cup before the United States devolves into a despotic wasteland." 

Image: Adam Adamowicz - Bethesda concept Artist for Fallout 3

Look, even DC won the race to have a picture in here before an apocalyptic New York.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling pessimistic about everything," stated Frank to The Nutmeg News. "However, I just want to see Metro win an MLS Cup before everything goes completely to shit."

Frank stated that he is well aware that his current thoughts are hyperbolic, but as he is only 31 years old, he is fully aware that he has a whole lifetime of watching his country devolve into a despotic wasteland ruled by nomadic bands of warlords who bow before the God-King.

"Oh sure, this is all dumb, but seriously... I can't help but feel we are just a few armed conflagrations away from everything REALLY going to shit, and before that happens, I'd just once... JUST ONCE like to see Metro win the freaking cup, is that too much to ask?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we inform Mr. Frank that it is, in fact, too much to ask.

US Soccer To Dedicate Stairwell In New National Training Facility To Christos FC

CHICAGO - U.S. Soccer, today, announced that it would dedicate a stairwell in the new National Training Facility to Amateur US Open Cup team Christos FC as a nod to the upstart team's 2017 US Open Cup run.

The Christos FC - Amway and Herbalife Memorial Staircase Brought To You By Xango

"Out of respect to the last standing amateur team in the 2017 US Open Cup, we will be naming a stairwell after them in our new multi-million dollar training facility that we are building with our 100 million dollar surplus," stated President of US Soccer Sunil Gulati. 

The Nutmeg News reached out to Christos FC players for comment, however they failed to respond in a timely fashion as they prepared to start on a new GoFundMe and charity drive to raise enough money for the team to pay off their previous travel to Chicago as well as pay for their upcoming travel to Washington D.C. from Baltimore to take on D.C. United.

US Soccer Releases New Kits Designed For Homophobic Bigots

CHICAGO - The US Soccer federation, today, released new kits for the month of June designed for the cadre of homophobic bigots that infest Facebook at nearly every level.

"There was a major blowback to the Pride numbers we released, so we realized we were missing a market," stated Cynthia Warren, secretary of the US Soccer Federation. "Clearly some of our fans are homophobic bigots who are so hypersensitive about their own masculinity and beliefs that they feel the need to hate everyone that isn't like them and everything that isn't specifically catered to them. We looked through history for the dress of people who felt the need to persecute others because they were different and settled on a plain white robe adorned with a crest and a hood.. In this way, this Alt-US Soccer Uniform will identify the people who feel the need to make homophobic Facebook comments."

Men's Rights activist and perpetually single dickhead Jim Billy Randall stated that he was all for a, "STRAIGHT US SOCCER UNIFORM FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE," as he railed against the inclusive pride numbers stating, "US Soccer tried to push the gay agenda on me. I reject this. I attend multiple gay nightclubs per month to document their lifestyle, and know for a fact that this gay-uniform-thing is just another way to get me to dance on the dancefloor to the thrumming beats of house music again. NOT EVEN ONCE, again. Finally I'll have something I can wear to these clubs that shows that I am a straight man for straight people."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jim Billy Randall attends drag night just to verify that the makeup and padding is being done in a way that he feels is correct.

NY Cosmos Fan Outreach Program Stimulates Connection By Threatening Fans Personally

NEW YORK - Operation Crybaby, the New York Cosmos fan outreach program, is reportedly considered a resounding success by the front office as it reached the goal of stimulating fan connections with the Cosmos by threatening the fans personally via ownership and management of the team.

"We will bring the hate to you!"

"We looked at threatening and intimidating fans by impersonal manners like contracting with India or call centers in Pakistan," stated Affiliate Club Manager (and man willing to call you because he doesn't like your podcast), Joe Barone. "However, we didn't think this would be the Cosmos way and wouldn't reflect our values. No, the Cosmos are here to insult and threaten our fans directly. In this way we ensure that our core group of fans know, without a shadow of a doubt, how much contempt we have for the fans and their feelings on matters of the ownership/team."

Reportedly, owner Rocco Commisso is thrilled with the outreach program stating, "This will not only keep people from criticizing us; but, rather, this new program will allow The Cosmos to holistically criticize and harangue our own dwindling fanbase with vertical integration. If you aren't happy that the Affiliate Club Manager will call you to tell you that you are a shit fan, then we can run this all the way up the chain. I'm more than willing to take time out of our busy schedule of playing games that don't matter to yell at our fanbase from 6,503 miles away at three o'clock in the morning."

Insider sources with the Cosmos indicate that Commisso has been working on a collection of zingers to punctuate his dissatisfaction with the fans and their podcasts including usage of the words pinhead, wingnut, you kids, and hooligans.

"We won't rest until we run off every podcast, website and fan critical of our product and branding," stated Barone. "I'm not above suing every fan out there. EVERY. FAN. THEY ALL MUST PAY. (seriously, we need the money.)"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Barone angrily calls fans to blame them for not supporting hard enough during the Cosmos disastrous US Open Cup loss against Reading.

Galaxy Fans Who Defaced LAFC Mural To Be Banned After League Uses Story, Pictures, And Names For Publicity

LOS ANGELES - After reaching out to the Galaxy spray can crew that painted over an LAFC mural, Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed that they would be profiled and interviewed for an upcoming piece on the passionately throbbing Los Angeles rivalry before being banned for the next four years.

Someone with MLS is rubbing their hands together in glee as they sagaciously stroke their temples in mock outrage.

"We cannot allow these kinds of rivalry shenanigans to go on without cashing in on it wholesale for publicity purposes. However, that also means that as we raise the level of public awareness of this happening that we must also severely punish those involved to send a message that doing these kinds of illegal acts will get you an interview, profile and a banning from our stadiums," stated some English guy, director MLS Security.

Reportedly, the league sent an army of reporters and social media experts to interview the artists who painted the original mural at the request of the club as well as the graffiti hooligans who painted over the original mural for their upcoming "2 Months Of Hate" documentary on the upcoming rivalry.

"We know what it means to us, but what does it mean FOR us," stated documentary film maker and 1,458,323th LAFC shareholder Victoria Brooks. "We hope to find that out as we present our new film, 2 Months Of Hate... brought to you by Smirnoff Hooligan, when you want to fight... Smirnoff."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

NPSL Team Sells Out 3 Games In A Row After Artificially Capping The Number Of Available Tickets To One

Franklin, IA - The Lee County Sommeliers, today, announced their third consecutive sell out after artificially capping the number of tickets available to one.

"An immense crowd here tonight as the fan pours into the grounds ahead of the matchup."

Photo by: Don Harder

"We realized that the issue isn't a lack of interest, but rather that 99% of our ticket sales go unused," stated Sommelier general manager Dick Canard. "When we removed the impediment towards selling out our full allotment of tickets, namely the full allotment of tickets, we began to sell out our grounds instantaneously. "

The Sommeliers play on Quick Cash Enterprises Field at Christian Herschler Winery park to a raucous supporters group of 1 who celebrate by a ceremonial pulling of the cork for every goal. The Midwest Wine Country Firm secretary and president, Carl Engall, stated that he is excited for the upcoming 4th consecutive game of the stands being filled to the capacity of one.

"Now that we are selling out the stadium every game, I expect to see more people coming on board to help carry on my traditions, because as soon as my car is fixed I'm heading out to Burlington to get out of here," stated Engall.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Sommeliers send out a season ticket survey about adding additional season tickets to their one season ticket holder.

End Of Premier League Season Requires Man To Find New 7:30 AM Sport To Justify Drinking

Boston, MA - Manchester United fan Jamal Henderson admitted that the end of the premier league season requires him to find a new 7:30 in the morning television broadcast sport in order to continue drinking before 8:00 am.

Put your hands up if you are drinking before 10:00 am!

"When all the games you watch are away games, it becomes very easy to reconcile cracking a tall cold one at 6:30 or 7:00 am with your breakfast on Saturday," stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News. "I realized that now that the Premier League is over that I don't have that built in excuse. A man drinking at 7:00 am with soccer is just delightful rogue enjoying life, but a guy out drinking at 7:00 am just to drink is an alcoholic."

Henderson acknowledged that his children usually wake up around 9:00am so it is imperative that he find something that allows him to drink responsibly before they wake up.

"I want to be at least a couple beers into my day in order to handle being around them. When my wife finally rolls out of bed hungover around 10:30, I want to have a minimum of three. There's no way I'm going to be able to drink to 6:45 am reruns of Bob Ross. I need some kind of sport, any kind of sport."

According to inside sources, Henderson looked up whether Quidditch UK streams their games before turning to youtube live to see if there was anyone playing an obscure sport that would make him feel like picking up a case of Dogfish Head for Saturday mornings.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson debates just re-playing previous season games in an attempt at keeping the feeling alive.

ATTENDANCE LIES: English Premier League Will Never Be Respected League Until They Accurately Count Attendance

ENGERLAND -The provincial soccer conglomerate otherwise known as the so called, "Premier League," showed another in a long line of deceptions, today, as Arsenal of London took on some other club from a city to such a small smattering of people that you could, "LITERALLY HAND COUNT FROM A PHOTO!! WHY DO YOU LIE, ENGLAND?"

59,510? LIES! I see One... Two... Three... Four... Five... LIARS!

We spoke to crowd analyst and unemployed Piggly Wiggly grocery bagger Roger Slow about the situation and he had the following to say, in all caps.

"THE PREMIER LEAGUE LIES. THEY INFLATE THEIR ATTENDANCE TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR. THE EPL ATTENDANCE LIES MUST STOP."

Other fans in North America were as apoplectic about the situation as Mr. Slow as conspiracy theorist and all-around weird guy Jacob "Swizzle" Bordens stated, "The lies must come from the top down. That is to say that Sunil Gulati and Don Garber contacted the Queen who contacted Theresa May and told the England FA to count by tickets distributed in order to distract from SUM embezzling money via youth academies set up to stop promotion/relegation which caused the floods in North Carolina. So as you can see, it's all the fault of Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the lies continue from England in an obvious attempt to bolster their faux-standing in a country obsessed by Rugby.

The Biggest Game In World Soccer, The Lutefisk Derby, Approaches As Fans Prepare For Clash Of The Titans

The biggest game in World Soccer, otherwise known as the Lutefisk Derby between Duluth FC and Minneapolis City,, approaches this weekend as the nascent rivalry brings up old wounds and a gag reflex that will not die.

Don't you just want some?

The Lutefisk Derby originated back in the olden days of the conquest of Vinland by Leif Eriksson in 1001 AD when merchant seamen for the Vikings traveled from Vinland to Duluth and then to Minneapolis to heckle Kirby Puckett and the Minnesota Twins. While Duluth named a park for Leif Eriksson, Minneapolis (not to be outdone) created the Leif Eriksson International Festival. 

The bet was then  determined that the winner would be declared based upon the aggregate scoreline over the course of games played against each other with the motto:

Winner Treats

Loser Eats.

Sources for Minneapolis City indicate that the front office, "Has never heard of this before and thinks the whole thing is just made up from thin air by some rabble rousing bunch of idiots with a website who probably aren't soccer fans any way," but their words appear to just provide bulletin board material for Duluth FC.

"We didn't cross all the way down the great plains of I-35 to be served gelatinous cod," stated the son of the brother of the director of the friend of the owner of Duluth FC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the loser of the #LutefiskDerby makes all of us the winner, by Periscoping their shame consumption of the defeat Lutefisk specially purchased by the victor.

Big Soccer Posts From 2000 Trouble Man As He Attempts To Move On With Career

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Karl Thorton is reportedly bothered by thousands of posts that he made between 1999 and 2002 under his own name on the sometime vitriolic soccer forum Big Soccer as he, now, attempts to move on in his career.

Oh god... the memories.....

"I didn't think, at the time, that nearly 20 years later they would become easily searchable and available for consumption," stated Thorton to The Nutmeg News. "I'm definitely not going to be able to run for office, but I'd like to just get a job of as an IT Professional without my future boss being able to view my incendiary posts about Columbus soccer and the Chicago Fire."

Thorton created the "KTHORTON" account on Big Soccer during his late teens as he began to follow the Columbus Crew after graduating from Beechcroft High School and enrolling in Columbus State Community College. 

"I'm seriously regretting my post titles like, 'CHICAGO IS A SHITHOLE, BURN IT TO THE GROUND,' and, 'WEED, WHO LOVES IT,' now. As well, I do regret impugning the dignity of Leeds United fans back in 2000 on that megathread. Sorry, everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorton quickly scans over his old posts to determine that his political career is over before it even began.

Successful Chattahooligan Trip To New Orleans Ends With Only Four Lost Supporters

New Orleans, LA - A successful trip to New Orleans by Chattanooga FC resulted in only four lost supporters by the Chattahooligans as CFC drew the New Orleans Jesters 1-1.

The last time we saw Samantha she was dancing down the street behind the band with a drink in her hand.

"Normally we would be extremely concerned to come back without everyone, but this is New Orleans..... what are you gonna do," stated Chattahooligan member Jerry Sanders to The Nutmeg News.

The Chattahooligans lost fans David Rigby, Samatha Davis, Jerome Nophsker, and William Bejarano at different locations around the New Orleans area, pre-game

"The last time I saw Dave and Sam, they both wandered into a second line and disappeared," stated Sanders. "The last time I saw Jerome was at The House Of Blues on Friday night, and the last time I saw Bill, well..... I can't remember that too clearly, but I believe it was around Kermit's Treme Mother. Nobody is too certain what happened to him because we were all looking for more Jameson."

Sanders stated that only losing four people gave him hope that in future visits, they could shrink this number down to one or two.

"It impacted us during the game, but we made up for this with vigorous drumming and more emphatic hand movements."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chattahooligans visit Graceland.

MLS To Slash Salary Budget In Order To Attract More Television Viewers

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced that the league would be slashing the allowed salary budget of each team in the league in order to connect the individual players more closely with their fan-base and attract more television viewers.

More Money - More Problems

from http://www.sportsbusinessdaily.com/Journal/Issues/2014/05/12/Media/MLS-TV.aspx

"We feel that the players within the league are too out of touch with the local blue-collar, working class fanbases," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "As such, we are going to severely restrict the salary budget of each team, and cut down on the perks available to teams to force the players on a team to reconnect with the local populace. We need more Dan Gargan and less Sebastian Giovinco in this league. We need players that fans know experience their same financial turmoil they experience. People don't watch soccer for great play, they watch because they want to know that the player out there is making $55,000 a year."

Reportedly, the league spent a 10 year process of analyzing various ways to increase the television ratings for Major League Soccer. Data analysts for the league indicate that there were a number of suggestions put forth to the league for consideration.

"The overall majority of analysts stated that the best way for the league to increase television viewership was to increase the quality of the product on the field, but the league didn't want to spend more money on better players," stated Soccer analyst Glenn Fate. "So instead, we just cobbled something together about how out of touch soccer players are with the people in their area and the idea of being able to lower costs really struck a chord with ownership. They were really excited, though, about the suggestions from our team for behind the scenes camera shots, jock jams usage in stadium, patriotic flyovers, and more t-shirt cannons. I don't know why they think that is going to increase television ratings, but we can always use more t-shirt cannons."

Sources within the league indicate that the number one priority for Major League Soccer was figuring out a way to increase the ratings by literally any method other than increasing how much money the teams have to pay players.

"If the league increased the salary budget, the Revs would be even further left behind, and the league doesn't want that," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS spends too much of their time and money trying to implement the wrong fix for the ratings dilemma.