"It's Gotta Be A Liberal Conspiracy Against Christian White People Why I'm Not Starting For The First Team"

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To Whom It May Concern:

I must announce a vast LIBERAL conspiracy against God fearing WHITE MALE Americans, the end result of which is ME not starting for the first team.  I've been on the bench, recently, for the second team and the only reason why that could possibly be the case is that there is a conspiracy against me and my kind.

See how sad I am? SEE HOW SAD I AM?!

See how sad I am? SEE HOW SAD I AM?!

ME, of all people... ME! I've gone to the best schools, played on the best teams, I've ignored the best teachers, I've ignored any sense of empathy towards anyone disadvantaged that doesn't look like me. My family didn't participate in pay for play just to have me idly sitting on the bench in the USL. HECK NO. My parents didn't raise me to see discrimination against me everywhere to just watch as we lose 9-0 when I should be starting for the first team. Also, It's MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY KWANZAA, STARBUCKS! 

Honestly, I should be starting for the first team, not this USL scrub bunch. The only way to ensure equality for the Christian White Man is to ensure that we get everything we want all the time, like back in the 1940's. Remember those times? I remember reading about them online at storm tracking forums and they seemed pretty great because we told everyone what to do all the time and there wasn't any back talk. 

Anyway, we must work to take down the liberal conspiracy against Christian white people and ensure my rightful place starting on the first team.

Thanks,

Anonymous in Los Angeles