2018 MLS All Star Game To Be Played In Moscow

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer today announced that due to a landmark financial and blackmail agreement between Russia and the United States that the 2018 MLS All Star Game would be played in Moscow between the MLS All Stars and the Soviet Football Team at the Central Lenin Stadium.

Hey look, It's a young Donald Trump!

"We have many great teams for your teams to play against. We will have a great time," stated leading scorer for the Soviets, Oleg Blokhin. "Your puny capitalists will be crushed under the heel of our Red Army. Our Putin will reign over your Putin. Our bear will be stronger than your bear. Our Vodka will be stronger than your Vodka. Our Drago will be stronger than your Rocky!"

Reportedly, in preparation for the game, Graham Zusi has taken to the mountains to begin a monastic retreat in order to get stronger, faster and allow him to kick a soccer ball through a net from over the half way line.

"I'm running mountains. I'm chopping wood. I'm not going to let the russkies beat us," stated Zusi to The Nutmeg News.

"President Trump said that the fate of the nation depends on us winning this soccer game and he is really... really.... REALLY PISSED. I don't doubt that is the case. I'm just going to abandon the rest of the 2017 MLS season in order to run in the mountains and evade limo driven KGB chase squads."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Moscow crowd turns on Putin, Blokhin and the Soviets in order to chant Zusi's name.

 

Statue Of Liberty Poem Modified To Tell New Arrivals To Fuck Off

NEW YORK - The Statue Of Liberty poem, The New Colossus, was modified to tell new arrivals to fuck off as President Trump announced his new policies for United States immigration.

GO TO HELL, YOU HEATHENS!......... unless you can play sports ... like TOTALLY good, then come in... unless you play soccer... in which case... fuck back off again.

The New Colossus contained the stanza "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," which was changed to the alternative poetry of, "Fuck off" due to Presidential mandate.

White House press secretary Sean Spicer stated, "We are a welcoming country, but soccer players, refugees, and people that don't look like me can fuck off. We don't need more people escaping warlords and chaos stricken cities that United States policies likely created making their way to our shore."

Refugee and immigrant groups condemned the change but individuals looking to settle long term in the United States were reticent to give their opinion on the matter as many recent refugees to the United States withdrew from activities that would identify them publicly for fear of reprisals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after our reporters finish downloading updates to secure their phones and devices.

 

Blogger Still Thinks Anyone Actually Cares About Sports

Salt Lake City, UT - As a third of the United States recoiled from the application of a Trump presidency while another third cheered for any kind of pain inflicted on the first group, Soccer Blogger Carl Bartow admitted that he still thinks everyone actually cares about sports.

"Why aren't you people happy! We have a great team, a great town, and I don't have any ability to feel empathy or concern about the world!"

"I'm putting together a depth chart for Real Salt Lake, a prospectus for the Monarchs, a think piece about Landon Donovan's potential impact in the midfield, and an in depth review of Cassar's tactics," stated Bartow to The Nutmeg News. "I know that my friends and family are concerned about their well being, health, the future of their country and the safety of their friends and family; but they are all going to love my analytics infused break down of the current central defenders in Major League Soccer."

Bartow stated that he is relatively apolitical and didn't vote in the last election. 

"I was just too busy. It was more important for me to really focus on myself and get right with tactics as we go into a new era. Are we seeing more coaches moving to a 3 man back line in the league? How does the influx of players from other countries  dictate relationships between coaches and their players? Are Muslim refugees trying to destroy my way of life by being kind to their neighbors and opening mosques? PROBABLY! Everyone wants to know more about soccer tactics! I'm just going to stay relentlessly positive, all the time, and continue to ensure that I act like everything is fine all the time! The world is great as is the greatest country in the world, USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA..USA... USA... USA... USA... USA. Also, soccer, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bartow continuous his laborious slog to ignore everything around him.

APB Issued For Ali Curtis Whereabouts

NEW YORK - An all points bulletin (APB) was issued for the whereabouts of Ali Curtis after another player deal was made by the New York Red Bulls without any information from the infamous sporting director.

"This is actually part of the advanced plan on page 553."

Concerned fans have asked about the location of Mr. Curtis after rumors surfaced that the sporting director was to be let go. However, the front office of the New York Red Bulls indicated that there was no change within the organization.

With the signing of Rafael Diaz, this afternoon, fans have still yet to see a proof of life from Mr. Curtis. After waiting the requisite amount of time suggested by a recent Law and Order episode, a missing persons report was filed by RBNY fan Jimmy Plaschette of Teaneck, NJ.

"I called in a missing persons report.... what of it?" stated Mr. Plaschette to our reporter on Tuesday. "We don't know where Curtis is. The organization won't release his location. Maybe he is in Stuttgart. Maybe he is in Lybia. MAYBE.... he is in Sacramento. We demand to know that Curtis is alive. BLINK ONCE TO SAY YOU ARE OK, ALI!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the conspiracy escalates.

 

Washington Spirit Announce That 2017 Kits Will Be Devoid Of Names And Numbers

WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit, today, announced that their 2017 kits will be devoid of any names or numbers to reflect the utter meaningless nature of life and the lack of players left on their roster as they enter the new National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) season.

Kits will be empty of meaning, like this offseason.

"Stare into the meaningless yawning abyss of death and our empty roster as we prepare for the season,"  states the Washington Spirit press release.

"Competition is a meaningless void and roster space is just a construct invented by the bored to busy our lives as we slowly grow old and die. We will cleanse our roster of impurities and find salvation in the meaningless empty shell of a season that beguiles us with her ever scintillating salvation of empty blank nothingness."

Insider sources with the Spirit state that after the team traded Diana Matheson to the Seattle Reign, they released an internal memo stating, "New kits will be empty. With no numbers or names. What does it even matter when nothing will remain after we are gone. Our roster is like your life. empty. You are all worthless here. Please ensure to donate $10 to Ruth to cover the costs of a cake for Jerrod Stevenson's birthday on Friday."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Spirit's 2017 season when the team starts pre-season training to the piped in sounds of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless The USA" and "Pictures of You" by The Cure.

 

MLS Targeting San Diego for Expansion in New Mission Valley Stadium, Period.

WASHINGTON - San Diego business developer Albert Billionaire was reportedly positive that Don Garber, Sunil Gulati and President Donald Trump would allow Major League Soccer expansion in San Diego according to current White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.

"We are absolutely certain that we will have a new MLS team in San Diego, very soon. Possibly tomorrow," stated Spicer as he addressed the White House press. "We are happy with Albert stepping up to finance the team and the city will be happy having A. Billionaire stepping in to save their sports scene. If there's one thing that A. Billionare can do it is improve civic life by ensuring that the populace have stadiums and sports teams. There's nothing that A. Billionaire can't do."

According to Spicer, he expects the San Diego MLS team to start playing at the start of the 2017 season with the stadium ready to be built, tomorrow.

"At no point will A. Billionaire let us down. He will get this stadium built, and he will make San Diego pay for it at some point. MLS San Diego 2017! THIS IS HAPPENING!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the groundbreaking for the stadium is delayed til 2024.

Man Who Rants Online About Model Building And Wrestling Tired Of Soccer Journalists Talking Politics

Des Moines, IA - From a darkened room in the Willow Park Apartments off Chaffee road, Harold Normandale struck back at the opportunists and know-nothings in the soccer media as he resolutely told off each one stating, "I didn't follow you for politics."

You could always UNFOLLOW them. 

Normandale's twitter handle is @MasterOfDestiny44 and he spends most of his time, so far, aggressively tweeting about Warhammer 4k models, American wrestling, and soccer. His 5 followers and 31 spambots were able to confirm that the Iowa native is extraordinarily upset by all these, "soccer writers stepping out of their lane and talking politics." 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Normandale as he spent his Sunday evening complaining about NFL football on his television without changing the channel.

"I didn't perform the action of following these men and women so they could give me their actual opinion on things. I followed them for their writings on soccer. If I wanted their opinion I would have asked for their opinions, but I didn't ask for their opinions. I just simply followed them online. As everyone in the United States knows, there is absolutely nothing political about sports at all. That's why Jesse Owens was such a punk."

Normandale continued his rant while he slurped down Mountain Dew from a big gulp container, "When you look at Barcelona and Real Madrid, do you think politics? No. When you look at Don Garber or Sunil Gulati, do you think politics? No. They are just soccer, and we don't need someone's opinions from Sports Illustrated talking about the minimum wage, or women's rights. God, the women. This is just like the NWSL all over again. Their players are why I have a reddit account, so I can just go online and tell everyone how it is with those spoiled brats."

Normandale then launched into a 10 minute tirade about the NFL on his television screen, how he didn't want to watch this game and how Tom Brady was a down home kinda guy.... you know... a guy with whom you could have a beer.

When asked why he didn't simply change the channel, Normandale stated, "Screw that! I'm not about to change my habits for them. I stay on CBS  to watch the re-runs of the X-Files at 11:00 pm and I'm not about to stop waiting for that just because the NFL is on my screen. But that also means I'm going to write another strongly worded letter to my local affiliate about this garbage they are putting on before MY television show."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Normandale starts to actively seek out journalists and reporters that he doesn't follow just so he can let them know that any personal or political items are not welcome from them.

Geoff Cameron Celebrates Trump Inauguration By Telling Off Dual-Nationals

Stoke-on-Trent, UK - United States international and part time Stoke City practice dummy, Geoff Cameron, reportedly spent his Friday celebrating the Donald Trump inauguration by telling off dual-nationals as he rampaged through the Scotia Road Asda in a gleeful trance while shouting abuse to anyone he could find.

"I'm going to make England great again, and part of that philosophy is pulling up the drawbridge after I got here," stated Cameron to his blog www.killaryandklinsmannforprison.com

"I am going to work with MP Nigel Farage to help him, in conjunction with the Trump administration, build a wall to keep Wales and Scotland out. For that matter, we should work on keeping Portugal and the Netherlands out as well. We need to prevent people like Martins Indi and Marc Muniesa from taking my job. We will ensure that the Welsh pay for these walls.  We will ensure that the Scots pay for these walls. Hell, we will even make the Irish pay for these walls. They will do this. English teams for English players... and me. We don't need any Dutch players. We don't need any Portuguese players, we just need American players and English players as long as they aren't better than me."

Cameron, as well, reportedly stated that he still has a beef with the United States national team as insider sources indicate that he is still upset by, as he stated, "Illegals taking my job."

"It's time for the USMNT to be great again under Bruce Arena," ranted Cameron to his Facebook page. "It's time for those Moslems, Germans and Mexicans trying to take our defending jobs to be let go from the team.

FIRST: John Brooks and Benghazi. Have you ever heard him talk about it? I DON'T THINK SO!

If you look at the depth chart at centerback it's very clear that we are suffering from a lack of patriotism at that position. Likely some of these players are illegals and they hate the flag.  Players like them are taking my position and that's not what we stand for in MY America. It's high time that this country got back to helping Me and Me alone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron searches out ways to prevent more center backs and fullbacks from being acquired by Stoke City.

Woman Desperately Prays For Soccer Distraction Today

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Jasmine Ulloa admitted that today, of all days, she is desperately praying for some kind of soccer distraction as she frenetically scrolled through the maudlin displays on Twitter and Facebook

"Earnie Stewart... you are my only hope.... please... save my Friday."

"I just need the Union to trade a goalkeeper, write an essay saying the fans are crap, tell us that you are letting Earnie Stewart go," ranted Ulloa to her friends in a Slack chat online. 

"I just need anything... ANYTHING to distract me from the giant pile of bullshit that is this Friday."

Reportedly, Ulloa extended this possibility of drama to national teams, her Premier League team, or even that French women's team that she lightly follows.

"I need something, anything... a trade.. a dispute... a firing... I just need something to distract me. If Tim Howard wants to stick his foot into his mouth again, that would even work. Let's get some quotes from Bedoya on this thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ulloa's legs fall asleep after spending too much time in the workplace bathroom scrolling through the carnage on her Facebook feed.

"THIS Is The Year For The US Open Cup," States Fan For 10th Consecutive Year

WASHINGTON - "THIS is the year for the US Open Cup," stated DC United fan Robert Andrews for the tenth consecutive year as his thoughts turned once more to the little tournament that could.

"I know I've said this before, but this is the season the USOC breaks out," ranted Andrews to his friends who simply nodded their head as they ignored him by scanning Twitter. 

"What with the new stadium at Buzzard Point and the expansions in MLS, USL; and even NASL still being alive... I'm just feeling like this is the season that everyone in the United States just sits up and takes notice."

According to insider sources, Andrews was on his fifth cup of coffee when this epiphany hit him as his relentless positivity turned into a flowing waterfall of good feelings.

"There's going to be brackets and discussions and betting and better streams... oh man... I can't wait. It's the US Open Cup, man. ITS THE CUP! STAND UP FOR THE CUP!"

Mr. Andrews friends were compelled, at this time, to restrain him and force him to read Twitter and online blogs for 30 minutes until he was sufficiently depressed enough about the world to come to the conclusion that this is not the year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews starts talking about the new United stadium in hushed tones.

Two-Pole/Two-Stick Descriptor War Rages On

The online war over the descriptor of hand held T.I.F.O attached to either dowels or PVC raged on as supporters on both sides of the debate continued to vary their descriptor as to convey some level of exclusivity.

This was 5 seasons ago, so some things MAY have changed

"It's two-pole. You hold a pole and you have two of them," stated Sounders fan Brodrick Terrence. "How is this hard?! HOW ARE WE STILL ARGUING THIS. It's not a fucking stick. Is it wooden? Did it come from a tree? Do you throw it and have your damn dog fetch it? NO. It's not a fucking stick. It's a pole! It's not offside-rule complicated, people. It is poles."

Mr Terrence's passionate plea for two-pole action was taken by the New North Seattle Two-Pole Association For Pole Solidarity, a Super PAC formed for the express idea of furthering the definition of hand held T.I.F.O as a two-pole. 

The ideas espoused by Mr Terrence are not held up by his North End Faithful compatriot, Derryk Hays, who stated, "I call them two-pipes. It's PVC pipe... you know? I mean, I think we could also call them two-tubes. That's pretty good descriptor."

Chicago Fire fans, as well, had a schism in their ranks with fans rallying around two-pole and two-stick definitions as the argument proved to be even more nuanced than the current build of the Andrew Hauptman Memorial Wooden Spoon trophy.

"It's a two-stick. I will not let the Fire media define my obsession with painting Calvin urinating on a Hauptman sign as a two-pole," stated Fire fan Leonardo Guzman. 

"We, the rebellion against two-pole definitions, have gone away from using THEIR word for our activity. It's all about two-sticks now. Also, to be very honest... I got tired of explaining that we weren't hoisting Polish people up. We don't have enough people to safely let people crowd surf, these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the name is changed to Three-Pole/Three-Stick, as two PVC poles aren't enough.

Experts Stunned As All Teams Claim A Successful SuperDraft

LOS ANGELES - Major League Soccer (MLS) experts were stunned on Saturday as all teams in the league claimed a successful draft after the 2017 SuperDraft.

Not one unsuccessful pick, on Friday. Not ONE!

"Usually there's always a few teams that did poorly, selected players they didn't want, but apparently every single team was successful this season," stated MLS SuperDraft expert Brandon Villanue. 

"It's pretty insane to imagine that through 2 rounds and 22 teams that every single one of them had a successful draft, but maybe this season is the one! We didn't have a single during-draft or post-draft interview where the general managers were upset. They were all, rather, extremely bullish on the future of their clubs! This is just amazing. To think that all 22 teams are happy with their draft picks! What an event!"

General Managers and public relations officials for all 22 teams in the league released a joint statement that read,

"We, the collected teams of Major League Soccer, got exactly who we wanted out of the draft. Our scouts, coaches, owners and fans are all very pleased. All of our draft picks are ready to contribute, and excited for the start of the season."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams collectively claim that their draft picks represent the future of the team and the league. #pathtopro

Minnesota United Inadvertently Draft Grad Student In 2nd Round Of SuperDraft

LOS ANGELES - Reports from the draft floor indicate that Minnesota United mistakenly drafted graduate student Adisa Bello in the 2nd Round of the MLS SuperDraft this afternoon.

"Did you see that kid from Akron? He looks athletic!"

Bello, a visiting fellow at the University of Southern California attended the NSCAA hoping to learn more about American collegiate soccer and the differences to his native Ghana.

"My dissertation covers global sport in society and how that intersects with micro communities. I'm studying how immigrants use it to adapt to new cultures," said Bello.

Sources indicate that Bello was formally scouted when he took a seat in the audience and MNUFC mistook him for a left back they were targeting from the University of Akron.

Minnesota's technical staff tried to explain the error. "He was wearing a suit and looked like he belonged so we just went with it. Obviously we're horribly embarrassed but we're still looking forward to having Adisa on the team. Look, admittedly scouting is still a need throughout the league. To be completely honest, we don't know who half these guys are but we're really excited to have them be part of the family."

To his credit Bello took the case of mistaken identify in stride. "Hey, at least I got this cool scarf with the bird on it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we cover the MLS SuperDraft

NWSL Draftee Thanks Patreon Supporters

LOS ANGELES - NWSL Draftee Samantha LaBouley thanked her Patreon supporters and sponsors for allowing her to chase her dream of playing professionally as she successfully completed one of her 2017 goals she stated on Youtube of, "Getting drafted by an NWSL team".

"I just want to thank all my Patreon supporters and sponsors for continuing to believe in me and for allowing me to star playing in the NWSL without being broke," stated LaBouley to the gathered crowed.

"Shout outs belong to @harleylover49, @mammabear24, @harrypooper69, and @leeroyjenkinsislame for donating enough money to allow me to fix my car and drive here. Also, big love out there to my $1000 donations who earned the right to get a credit in my draft acceptance speech. Thanks to Karen Ellsbury, Jamal Burrows, Daniel Harbottle and Sandra Villanueva."

Reportedly, LaBouley was ushered off stage before she could complete her thanks to her $100 and $10 level Patreon supporters as she stated, "I can't forget everyone who helped on my journey towards solvency, but remember.... for an additional $1000 I'll dedicate a goal celebration specifically for you!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LaBouley makes more money off subscriptions to her youtube channel than during her first month in the NWSL.

 

USL Schedulemakers Start Over As They Keep Forgetting Teams

USL Schedulemakers were forced, on Friday, to scrap their existing temporary schedule and start from scratch after forgetting to add all the teams in the league this season.

Where's the east farthing argonaut warriors?

"We have something like 84 different teams, this season," stated director of planning, schedules, calendars and crock pot stew, David Millborough.

"It's a bit difficult to keep track of all of them. First time through a schedule mock up we forgot all about Rio Grande Valley FC. Then, the second time we forgot the Roughnecks. This was followed by the third time through fifth time in which we forgot to add the Battery. Then the 6th time through the 9th time we forgot the Tampa Bay Rowdies. There's a lot of teams of which to keep track."

Reportedly, with 30 teams in the league, the schedule makers found it difficult to come up with a schedule that can accommodate everyone.

"We've taken to just using a dart board and specially flighted darts with the logo of USL teams," stated Millborough. "We are actually thinking about streaming this next year on Youtube. This way we can pick which teams face each other on specific dates, and we do this randomly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL gets ready to release the schedule before realizing that they've only scheduled 10 games for Louisville City FC.

New England Revolution Exploring Trade For Rights To Hat-Trick-Rick

LOS ANGELES - Rumors are swirling within the SuperDraft that the New England Revolution are attempting to force a trade in an effort to acquire the rights to Hat-Trick-Rick.

Legend in the making.

"Our publicity, scouting and cookie baking department indicated that this fella is just a barnstorming goalscorer," stated Brian Bilello, the president of the Revolution.

"If we have to give up all our picks, this may be something we are amenable to do, as long as Hat-Trick-Rick is in Revolution colors by the end of the day."

Scouts within the Revolution indicate that their budget only allowed them to utilize television watching and Youtube streams to find players, but it was their belief that Hat-Trick-Rick looked very athletic. They also stated that his branding and messaging were on point comparing him to a young Landon Donovan.

"Hat-Trick-Rick is the future, the past, the present, the dream maker, the old chief, the billy goat gruff, the gentle dancing unicorn, the volatile, drunken, river fording Quebec fur trapper, the earth shaker, and the player who can finally get us over the hump to the dreamland of another MLS Cup loss," stated Bilello. "We can't wait to get started and see his myriad of tricks on the field."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hat-Trick-Rick holds out in contract negotiations for more money.

Los Angeles Chargers To Share Stadium With Local Soccer Team

LOS ANGELES - The newly moved Los Angeles Chargers announced that they would be required to share the Stub Hub Center with local soccer team the Los Angeles Gala..something.

"As per our agreement with the city of Los Angeles, we will be required to share the Stub Hub Center with some soccer team," stated team president and CEO of the LA Chargers, Dean Spanos. 

"We want to assure our fans that our games, branding, and even usage of the field will take priority as per the rules of our multi billion dollar industry."

The local soccer team were reportedly excited to share their facilities as some random spokesperson for them stated to The Nutmeg News, "This will finally give us a chance to practice for the MLS playoffs on a field with football markings. Thank god! Go NFL! Go Football! Enjoy Thursday games and that parking situation!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chargers try to figure out where they can hide players recovering from massive concussions with a sideline that small.

Red Bull Fan Relieved As He Slips Back Into Warm Embrace Of Off-Season Drama

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) fan Kevin Adams reportedly sighed with relief as he slipped back into the warm embrace of Off-Season drama with the swirling news of front office strife.

"Look, just superimpose Marsch over Petke and we will call it good"

"I was getting concerned that we might have continuity, player acquisitions, a pre-season and then the season," stated Adams from his walk up in Flatbush. "However, this whole thing just means another season of the Metro way."

Adams is referencing, of course, the swirling rumors of Jesse Marsch leaving to coach Red Bull Salzburg followed by the denial of this followed by the rumors of Ali Curtis cancelling a public appearance followed by who else knows.

"It feels good to be back at this again. Honestly, I was worried that we might have three years of stability. It's nice to just wake up and have people freaking out again, insane conspiracy theories and jokes about the Ali Curtis 300 page plan. I'm hoping that we can move into conversations about Petke, again. I might even watch THAT press conference. This whole situation is like slipping into a warm pair of slippers, sitting on a comfortable couch and drinking a warm glass of brandy."

Adams closed out our interview by logging onto MetroFanatic and posting a conspiracy theory rant about whether Curtis is being let go by Red Bull corporate to pave the way for Jurgen Klinsmann. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans debate spending money on another Red Bull OUT billboard by the exit to Red Bull Arena on I-280