NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer today announced that due to a landmark financial and blackmail agreement between Russia and the United States that the 2018 MLS All Star Game would be played in Moscow between the MLS All Stars and the Soviet Football Team at the Central Lenin Stadium.
"We have many great teams for your teams to play against. We will have a great time," stated leading scorer for the Soviets, Oleg Blokhin. "Your puny capitalists will be crushed under the heel of our Red Army. Our Putin will reign over your Putin. Our bear will be stronger than your bear. Our Vodka will be stronger than your Vodka. Our Drago will be stronger than your Rocky!"
Reportedly, in preparation for the game, Graham Zusi has taken to the mountains to begin a monastic retreat in order to get stronger, faster and allow him to kick a soccer ball through a net from over the half way line.
"I'm running mountains. I'm chopping wood. I'm not going to let the russkies beat us," stated Zusi to The Nutmeg News.
"President Trump said that the fate of the nation depends on us winning this soccer game and he is really... really.... REALLY PISSED. I don't doubt that is the case. I'm just going to abandon the rest of the 2017 MLS season in order to run in the mountains and evade limo driven KGB chase squads."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Moscow crowd turns on Putin, Blokhin and the Soviets in order to chant Zusi's name.