WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit, today, announced that their 2017 kits will be devoid of any names or numbers to reflect the utter meaningless nature of life and the lack of players left on their roster as they enter the new National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) season.
"Stare into the meaningless yawning abyss of death and our empty roster as we prepare for the season," states the Washington Spirit press release.
"Competition is a meaningless void and roster space is just a construct invented by the bored to busy our lives as we slowly grow old and die. We will cleanse our roster of impurities and find salvation in the meaningless empty shell of a season that beguiles us with her ever scintillating salvation of empty blank nothingness."
Insider sources with the Spirit state that after the team traded Diana Matheson to the Seattle Reign, they released an internal memo stating, "New kits will be empty. With no numbers or names. What does it even matter when nothing will remain after we are gone. Our roster is like your life. empty. You are all worthless here. Please ensure to donate $10 to Ruth to cover the costs of a cake for Jerrod Stevenson's birthday on Friday."
The Nutmeg News will have more on the Spirit's 2017 season when the team starts pre-season training to the piped in sounds of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless The USA" and "Pictures of You" by The Cure.