Grizzled Soccer Fan Gathered Children Around The Fire To Tell Stories Of Thanksgivings Without Soccer

BOSTON - On Thanksgiving, grizzled soccer fan Paul Robertson gathered his nephews and nieces around the fireplace to regale them with stories of when soccer wasn't a big deal in the United States.

"This was before Thierry Henry was even a sparkle in the eye of every Arsenal supporter. The way before time."

"Yes, Jimmy.... there was a time when there was no European soccer on any day on any television, anywhere. No, not even the weekend," stated Robertson to his 13 year old Real Madrid kit wearing nephew Jimmy Simplot. "Why, I remember when you couldn't watch Champions League games on Tuesday, the Europa league didn't exist... at least as name and identity.... and you weren't watching qualifying games on Thanksgiving. Hell, you didn't even know the teams involved in major knock out tournaments unless you had someone purchase magazines or papers for you and bring them back from Europe."

Robertson paused to take another drink of the 15 year old Dalwhinnie that started his rambling escapade.

"My god, children.. this was before the internet. You realize what the internet did for soccer in the United States, kids? More than Sunil Gulati, US Soccer, Don Garber, MLS, the old NASL and Lamar Hunt combined."

Robertson continued to wax rhapsodic about receiving the pink sheets of La Gazzetta's football coverage from a travelling uncle when he was young, and the magic of finding someone that had Setanta sports on a satellite dish before he was interrupted by his friend Randy Ortega who proudly corrected Robertson about the fact that Liga MX was available, but that some people seemed not to care.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an increasingly drunk Robertson starts in on, "the fact that you lucky shits even have a league that hasn't died yet," before he gets interrupted by his girlfriend Lynn Anderson who starts talking about all the starts and fits in Women's soccer.

Soccer Fan Just Praying Thanksgiving Conversation Stays On How Much Soccer Sucks

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Gary Newcombe admitted, while travelling home to Pullman, that he hoped that this year the Thanksgiving conversation would stay on how much soccer sucks instead of running into 3 days of political conversations like previous years.

Home sweet home..... oh god... Uncle Randy is coming this year?

"Before, the worst thing that would happen is that my cousins would tell me how stupid I was for liking the Sounders and spend the whole weekend talking about Cougar football," stated Newcombe to The Nutmeg News. "This year, I pray to all the gods holy and unholy that we spend the weekend talking about Cougar Football and how much soccer sucks."

Reportedly, Newcombe is dreading the invitable shift towards politics that his family gatherings seem to produce and in an effort to combat that he has taken to memorize statistics and games from this years WSU season in order to stave off the dramatic shift towards arguments that this Thanksgiving may bring.

"I'm loaded for bear this time. I have a SOCCER IS STUPID t-shirt that I made from cafepress, a litany of statistics from the 2016 college football season, three youtube videos that show much soccer players are divers, and I even purchased some random WSU memorabilia to give away to completely shock people into silence. If none of that works, I plan on obstinately making everyone watch a Sounders game replay on MLS Live until they won't do anything but complain about the game or leave. If THAT doesn't work then I'm going full atomic bomb if necessary even if that means that I come out in head to toe Huskies gear just to piss everyone off enough for them to stop talking Clinton/Trump."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as none of this actually works.

Drunk Toronto Fan Spends Entire Game Yelling At Frederik Andersen

MONTREAL - Drunk Toronto fan David McLary reportedly spent nearly the entire conference final game against the Montreal Impact screaming at Maple Leaf's goalkeeper Frederik Andersen as fans around him assured him that he was, "at the wrong game."

Dave Abel/Postmedia Network

"You are shit! Shit! Don't make the goalmouth any bigger," screamed McLary towards the imaginary Andersen as he dutifully powered down Chipie after Chipie in the stands.

McLary told fellow fans that the only way he could stomach travelling to Montreal was to start drinking before he left Toronto, as that was the only way to ease his social anxiety of being in Quebec. 

The travelling TFC fan was so inebriated from the trip to Montreal that he couldn't even remember which game he was attending as all the Leafs/Habs and TFC/Impact games blended together into an amalgamation of all the games he had ever gone to Montreal to watch.

"You call this defense, Andersen?" screamed McLary after the Impact scored the second goal of the game. "You have to get LOW in the butterfly, what is this shit?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McLary finishes his verbal diatribe by yelling at Mauro Biello to have his goons stop targeting Nylander.

"I Haven't Run Out Of Coaches To Blame," States Bombastic Sunil Gulati

CHICAGO - A bombastic Sunil Gulati stated, "I haven't run out of coaches to blame," during the conference call with the US Soccer press to announce Bruce Arena as the new USMNT appointee, today.

"If there is one thing I can tell you, it is NOT my fault."

During a blustery back and forth, Gulati declined to take any of the blame for the problems that exist in US Soccer and insinuated that he has plenty more ire left in the tank for all the coaches that he plans to run through US Soccer for the next 10 years.

"I can blame Pareja, when he doesn't work out. I can blame Bielsa, I can blame Kreis, I can blame Rongen and Porter and Ramos, and just about anyone," stated Gulati to the members of the press who transposed his quotes on the phone call while browsing the internet for low coast trips to Miami. "At the point where we are at with regards to my influence in the US Soccer Federation, I plan on even blaming coaches who aren't part of the US team at any level. Hell, I'm going to blame Jill Ellis for the lack of youth development if that pipeline dries up."

Reportedly, Gulati has stated time and time again that despite being the only constant in US Soccer over the past 10 years that he still thinks that the coaches are the problem as he exclaimed, "the more you understand that, the less you will be inclined to think that there are systemic problems in the organization."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Gulati fires Bruce Arena.... for the second time.

Seeking Exposure, Soccer Blogger Returns To Open Mic Night

NEW YORK - Seeking more exposure of his genius talent, soccer blogger Ezra Penny returned to open mic night at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe on East 3rd street.

"Plastic Bags -- Undulating and Waving

Dipping in the night time

Unlocked golden orbs of hatred

Bags.............. Of Piss?

!Azteca!" 

*snap* *snap*

"Can we win?"

"I hear that Grant Wahl of Sports Illustrated, Ryan Rosenblatt of Fox Sports, and Andrew Das of the New York Times frequent this place so I'm hoping they hear my free verse explanation of the 3-4-3 in today's modern tactical climate that I've intermixed with various quotes from Omar of the television show The Wire," stated Penny to The Nutmeg News.

Reportedly, Penny was looking for a more captive audience than the thousands of people who collectively decide not to read any of the stories he publishes on the 2 personal soccer sites and 1 SB Nation team site that he toils for in obscurity.

"My ideas need more exposure and my genius cannot be contained. My lyrical flow upon the dangerous undercurrent around promotion and relegation is certain to light up the internet once I get an audience for it. I'm just hoping that a Huffington Post or Vice Sports talent scout is going to be sitting in the back row. I'm going to make it, I just know it."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Nuyorican patron Jamie Hargood about Penny's previous sets and she was effusive in her praise, "That time when he went from reciting lines of Plato's Republic in Iambic Pentameter as a defense for the tenure of Jurgen Klinsmann to his adroit recitation of the statistics of an overlapping fullback was pure magic. At the very least I think that Salon should give him a full time job writing 4,000 word think pieces about international soccer so he stops coming here."

Penny himself stated, "I've been living off my job as financial controller for AWERA International, which makes it difficult for me to quit my day job, but I know that I'm just one talent scout for Vice away from really making it big. I'm just planning on really getting my ideas out here with this set. We are going to get controversial tonight and I plan on referencing some 80s movie characters because I hear that Bill Simmons may be stopping by and I think The Ringer needs more soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as five people show up for Penny's set.

Paolo Di Canio Rumored To Be The New Coach Of USMNT

CHICAGO - Sources for US Soccer indicate that former Lazio player Paolo Di Canio will be the new coach of the USMNT with the announcement stated for later.

He's just giving an emphatic waive towards the Alt-Right.

The fiery Di Canio reportedly is excited to work with the USMNT to expand their abilities on the field as well as off the field as he has been tasked to reform the training and recruitment of true American patriots to the national team.

"He really fits with the current political climate of the United States and he couldn't get work anywhere else, so we asked President-Elect Trump to expedite Di Canio's visa status so that we can approve him quickly and start the transition," stated an anonymous US Soccer Federation insider.

"We are looking forward to see what Paolo can do with our team now that his politics are in line with the governing alt-right politicians in the United States."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Di Canio considers if he really wants to work with a nationalist team.

USMNT Fan Ready To Blame Whoever Gets Hired Next

Des Moines, IA - United States Men's National Team (USMNT) fan Quincy Nagy formally stated that he is ready to blame whoever gets hired next to coach the United States as they certainly fail in their quixotic quest to win the World Cup.

Is it time? It might be time.

"That's how this gig works," stated Nagy to The Nutmeg News. "We are full of excitement, then the coach is hired, he promises a bunch of stuff he can't deliver with the player pool available and we instantaneously start finding things that we hate about him."

Reportedly, Nagy has already started buying the domains for ArenaOUT.com, KreisOUT.com, ParejaOUT.com, PorterOUT.com, PetkeOUT.com, SavareseOUT.com, BielsaOUT.com, and even MilutinovicOUT.com in order to cover all his bases. 

"It's important to cover every angle when it comes to whomever Sunil Gulati picks to replace Klinsmann. If he decides to go foreign with the hire I'll have to spin up the websites a bit faster, but trust me, I can get this going. We all know that whomever the US hires, he will be a complete disaster."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nagy gets ready to be disappointed once again.

National Nightmare Of Unending Klinsmann Talk On Twitter Timelines Is Over

The national nightmare of unending Klinsmann talk on Twitter timelines is over as the head coach of the United States Men's team was fired on Monday.

It's a CELEBRATION, for some.

"Thank god my twitter timeline can now return to normal," stated US and LA Galaxy fan Harold Everly. "It was 24 hours a day of writers and fans calling for his head. I don't even know if anything actually happened elsewhere because it's been nothing but KlinsmannOUT for the last week."

Reportedly, even people in Canada were thrilled as soccer fans with international ties in their account can now have their timeline returned to normal working order.

"I unfollowed accounts because of this shit," stated FC Edmonton fan Karl Edwards. "I'm just glad it's over and maybe now I can re-follow Grant Wahl and MLS Analyst. You know, on second thought... I'm just going to let it be."

As well, players left out in the cold from the Klinsmann regime celebrated in restrained fashion as former USMNT call-ups posted emoticons and gifs that could represent their current feelings without actually leading to them being dropped from the team in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it develops.

Man Still Trying To Convince Everyone That Supporter Group Politics Are More Important Than Actual Political Problems

Portland, OR - Timbers Army member Jeremiah D'Angelo is, reportedly, still trying to convince everyone that supporter group politics are more important than actual political problems as he advocated for protesters in Portland to, "stop protesting global events and start protesting local events."

"Whether or not I have a new limited edition scarf is important stuff."

"If we put the same effort against the front office of the Timbers, the board of the 107ist, and our fellow fans as we do against President-Elect Trump we would be able to resolve a lot of the residual issues that we all have with our game day experience," stated D'Angelo to The Nutmeg News on Monday morning.

"I just don't understand why people out there think it is more important to oppose the idea of internment camps, a registry for people of a certain faith, and white supremacy in the White House when the Timbers Army don't have terraces, don't have cheap beer and don't have more scarf options for me to purchase."

D'Angelo was additionally very upset that more fans weren't active politically during the election season for the 107ist, the financial arm of the Timbers Army and Rose City Riveters, stating, "I don't care if we just went through three years of the most divisive election that any of us can remember, we need to have more supporters group political advertisements, debates, statements of intent and political banter. So what if people the country over are hurting from the potential impact of a Trump/Pence presidency because that's nothing compared to electing someone who will decide whether I have a discount at the Nike store next season, or not."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D'Angelo goes on a multi-part Twitter rant about staying woke on local soccer issues.

MLS Cup Final To Be Played The Second Week Of 2017 Season

NEW YORK - In light of the delayed MLS Playoff schedule due to international breaks, and the potential for the Montreal - Toronto game to be delayed by snow, Major League Soccer today announced that the MLS Cup final will be played the second week of the 2017 season.

No Horses No Party.

Montreal Impact fans make their way to the game down Notre Dame Street, 

"We are excited to have the MLS Cup game be on a Wednesday before our normal MLS Weekend so that we could have an additional rematch game the next weekend between whichever two teams make the final," stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. "We are calling it Rivalry Rematch Weekend and we are hoping that the idea of watching the MLS Cup winner be crowned and then play an inconsequential game three days later will be a great draw."

Insider sources with the league state that with the MLS Cup schedule getting extended, the league was very concerned about keeping momentum going during the playoffs and running the Cup Final mid week of the 2017 season will allow the league to not only promote the other games surrounding it, but as well let them have more eyes on the cup final.

"We are playing MLS Cup Final on a Wednesday at 5:30 EST, so you can bet that we will have the best demographics and eyes on the sterling prize in our sport," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. "I can't wait for everyone to see whichever two teams make it to the final fight for the right to play against each other the next weekend in a sponsored rivalry game. It worked really well for Columbus and Portland last season, so lets do it again!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league decides to have the weekend league game played in the cup losers stadium.

Coach Notes That Intensity Of U-8 Girls Soccer Not At Professional Level

Danbury, CT - Roger Wilson, head coach of Danbury Youth Soccer U-8 girls travel team, noted that the intensity of the U-8 girls soccer was not at a professional level as he bemoaned the coddled youth of today in a rant to The Nutmeg News.

SOCCER ISN'T ABOUT FUN, RUN LAPS FOR EVERY TIME YOU ARE HAPPY.

"These girls at 7 and 8 years old are just coddled. We need more heading practice, more ruthlessness and more of these women studying tactics and formations if we are going to make it as a soccer country," stated Wilson to our reporter. "I assign a mandatory level of at least 20 hours per week of self study and reflection on modern soccer tactics. These girls don't even bother to study, some of them don't even care if they make it as professionals and are just here dragging the team down by hanging out with their friends. This is EXACTLY why we are losing as a nation."

Wilson admitted that his methods may seem strict, but he states that he cut down his heading practice from 1 hour per 3 day session to 30 minutes in an effort to appease parents

"7 and 8 years old is when these players should repetitively be honing their skills to destroy their friends and competition in our sanctioned tournaments. I've also advocated that players on losing teams be told that they are losers, because they are. We are implementing a strict form of player relegation for losing teams where the members of the losing team vote a player off for being the suckiest bunch of sucks to ever suck."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson screams at his team about their dedication to the proper utilization of an offside trap.

Arena Promises To Make The USMNT Great Again By Deporting All Foreign Players

LOS ANGELES - Speaking from his position as the Los Angeles Galaxy manager, Bruce Arena stated that if he were to take the United States head coach position that he would immediately deport all foreign born players and make them pay for it in order to make the USMNT great again.

"We don't need no Germans to get us a win." 

(Do we need to say this is satire, again? JERMAINE JONES DO NOT RE-TWEET THIS. OR DO. WHATEVER.)

"We need more true-blue American players like Jeff Agoos. Now that was a man you could depend upon, as American as Budweiser and Ford. We don't need John Brooks,  Fabian Johnson, Timothy Chandler, Cameron Carter-Vickers, William Yarbrough, Jermaine Jones, Marc Pelosi, Danny Williams, Darlington Nagbe, Alfredo Morales,  Mix Diskerud, Juan Agudelo, Terrence Boyd, and Jerome Kiesewetter type of players," stated Arena to a collection of stunned reporters.

"We need good, healthy, American born boys that play in Major League Soccer and can get the ball up and down the wing like Landon Donovan. I just need 11 Landon Donovan's to play my absorb and counter attack style who know the beating undercurrent of the United States in their heart, in their legs, and in their groin."

When asked about his failures in the past with teams like the 2006 United States World Cup team Arena stated, "There was too much foreign influence on that group, clearly. Also everyone knows that we aren't going to get out of a group of death in the world cup. That's foolish. I'm not saying I'll take over the team again, but if I do... the krauts are out."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Arena announces a contract extension with the LA Galaxy.

Fans Still Not Sure If Andre Blake Can Make Extension Saves

PHILADELPHIA - Despite Major League Soccer's constant attempt to reassure fans that Andre Blake can save a shot hit away from his body and the goalkeeper winning the ALLSTATE Goalkeeper of the year, fans are still split when it comes to the issue of the Philadelphia netminder covering the complete goalmouth.

"I'm still not certain about it."

“He’s a great shot stopper, something most MLS goalkeepers struggle with,” says Union fan Tanner Sharp. “It’s rare to see a goalkeeper consistently perform the simple task of saving a shot. I’m glad our goalkeeper is getting the attention he deserves for being the starting goalkeeper on a high caliber international squad.”

Blake starts for international juggernaut Jamaica, who currently sit 80th in FIFA rankings after ending their promising World Cup run in a 2-0 loss to CONCACAF giant killer Haiti in September.

Still, some fans are not convinced Blake is the goalkeeper everyone is praising him to be. Sporting Kansas City fan, Jacob Klotz, has his reservations on Blake. “A lot of people talk about the modern goalkeeper and what that means for today’s game. It’s refreshing to see a goalkeeper hone his skills on such a specific aspect of goalkeeping but maybe Blake could also work on his distribution, defensive organization, crossing situations, reading through balls to not foul Kaka in the box, positioning, footwork, momentum control, handling a 1v1 with more discipline, set positions on shots, or any of that other goalkeeping stuff?”

Blake was announced to be the MLS Goalkeeper of the year today, but according to insider sources, voters were polarized by Blake’s season. Mlssoccer.com writer and award voter Kalvin Graham has expressed his struggle with selecting Blake for the award.

“I know MLS likes to reward athletic goalkeepers with the Goalkeeper of the Year award, like Jimmy Neilsen, I’m just not sure if Blake has really made enough extension saves to win the award. I should probably watch the three minute video again to figure out if he’s deserving of the award. Either way, I’m just hopeful he can continue to develop into a great goalkeeper like Sean Johnson, Josh Saunders, or Carlo Cudicini.”

Man's Annual Molt From MLS To Premier League Pleases No One

Orlando, FL - Matt Downing's annual molt from Major League Soccer and Orlando City fan to Premier League and Arsenal Fan has, again, pleased no-one as the insufferable soccer fan continues his annual tradition of switching leagues.

"So, this is how you are dressing for the next 5 months?"

Downing was found emerging from a built cocoon of plastered FourFourTwo and World Football magazines wearing his Granit Xhaka Arsenal kit and talking about the recent champions league game against Ludogorets.

"Come ON, Matt. This is exactly like when you discovered pour over coffee a few years ago. No one here wants to hear you talk about the brilliance of Mesut Ozil and the tactical genius of Arsene Wenger when we are just going to Applebee's to get drunk and eat their 2 for 20 deal," ranted friend Donny Riechers. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to boyfriend Thomas Marshall about Downing's molt and he stated, "I walked into the bedroom and found Matt's Orlando City Kaka kit on the ground and a trail of Orlando City merchandise leading up to his cocoon. I knew the molt had started. I collected his discarded shells for his return metamorphosis  when he comes back to the league in 4 or 5 months."

Reportedly, friends knew that this was coming as Downing recently posted a diatribe about the unbelieving fan who doesn't understand that understated brilliance of the Wenger, on his Facebook feed.

"It was a sure sign," stated friend Carla Earles. "If you didn't know that his molt was coming, that's your own fault. I just wish that we could go watch a sporting event without him talking about the fact that this is the year that Giroud leads the line and shows his quality. At the very least we just wish he would get back into Florida State football so that we could all watch a Seminoles game without him commenting that Nyqwan Murray kinda looks like Theo Walcott in a certain light. Talk college football, not Lower Milton Abershirehaverford Township FC or whatever those teams are called."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Downing beta tests his blog entries for his new project called "Gunner Corner" on his friends that aren't soccer fans.

USMNT Fan Posts 18th Article To Reddit About Firing Klinsmann

Boise, ID - United States Soccer fan Harold Bunetta recently reached a milestone as he flooded the social media site Reddit with the 18th consecutive article, today, about firing Klinsmann.

Photograph: Dennis Grombkowski - FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images

"We lost to Costa Rica and Mexico! Klinsmann must go!" ranted Bunetta in the comments section of every single article that is calling for the firing of the coach. "This is unacceptable. We must take back control of our soccer team without handing it over to no knowing foreigners!"

Reportedly, Bunetta has exhaustively ranted against Klinsmann since the end of the World Cup when he started following the national team.

"I'm furious, I'm pissed, I want him gone and if I have to submit 33 articles about Klinsmann needing to be fired and clog the front page of every subreddit about soccer, I will do so. I'm also crossposting this to my Facebook feed. I don't care if I'm hemorrhaging followers, at this point. It will be worth it when all my efforts get this cancer out of our team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bunetta admits he will be against any United States coach that doesn't win the World Cup.

Delusional Man Convinced MLS Playoffs Are Still Ongoing

Denver, CO - Delusional Colorado Rapids fan Paul Munoz continues to insist that the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs are still ongoing despite all evidence to the contrary.

See! The playoffs are REAL!

"Guys, the playoffs are still on! We still have a chance at this," stated Munoz to his Facebook feed on a post that quickly devolved into a political rant from his uncle about entitled millennials protesting. 

Munoz cites evidence that there hasn't yet been a winner of MLS Cup and that teams are still scheduled at some time in the future to play a game, but despite this evidence his friends continue to doubt that there is any soccer left to play.

"Look, if the playoffs were still going on, there would have been a game recently, right?" stated Carlos Hernandez of Littleton. 

"I don't remember going to the stadium for a game, so I'm pretty certain that the season is over," stated Laura Coleman of Broomfield.

Munoz continues to insist, despite the evidence, that there are more games to play as he states, "C'mon guys, the playoffs are a few weeks away. Trust me, a game is going to happen sometime in the next month. I can guarantee that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Munoz forgets which day the Rapids/Sounders playoff game is scheduled for as he agrees to attend a birthday party for his friend Jessica.

Utterly Magnificent T.I.F.O Idea Thought Of After Season Comes To Close

Indianapolis, IN - Indy 11 supporter Nate Sass reportedly had a lightening storm idea for an utterly magnificent T.I.F.O display 2 days after the NASL season ended with Indy 11 falling in penalty kicks to the New York Cosmos.

I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA... It's a bit too late, but it is brilliant!

"Of course... Of COURSE this happens two days after the season ends," stammered Sass to his friends as he delicately laid out the best T.I.F.O idea ever for the 2016 season that just finished. "This is good, this is really great, can you imagine if we had this idea two months ago? Just you wait, if we remember to do this next season it is going to be amazing."

With roughly 137 days until the opening date for the 2017 season, Sass plans on firmly trying to remember his brilliant idea that will lose its relevance the further that he gets away from the 2016 season.

"I just need to keep this idea fresh for 137 more days, and then we can use it. I just can't believe that I didn't think of this til now!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sass becomes distracted by watching the Colts  over the next few months and forgets all about his great idea in 2017.

New York Cosmos Offered Place In PDL After 3rd NASL Championship

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos were reportedly offered a place in the Premier Development League (PDL) by Don Garber after their third NASL Championship in four years on Sunday.

All aboard that freight train that leads to the Michigan Bucks!

"We know that the Cosmos have been trying to make it to Major League Soccer for quite some time," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. "As such, we will give them the opportunity to prove themselves in our development league. If they can show that they can keep up their consistent winning ways... well..and I'm not promising anything here, but we might be able to find a place for them in the USL."

Reportedly, Garber is willing to move on and accept the New York side into the lower tiers of MLS Soccer in order to reward the NASL Club after a previously acrimonious history.

"It's all water under the bridge, at this point. Now if the Cosmos are interested, we can get them a friendly with SW Florida Adrenaline and the Midland/Odessa Sockers to prepare for their opener against the Ocean City Nor'easters."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos issue their response.

Election Finally Convinces Man That US Fans Should Stop Chanting "Mow My Lawn"

Racine, WI - After studiously ignoring the problem for years and, at best, clucking his tongue at the situation, the recent Presidential election has finally convinced USA Soccer fan Nathan Everett that USA fans should consider stopping offensive chants like, "Mow My Lawn" and "Build That Wall", and even the Sombrero Song at Mexico and Latin American teams.

"IT IS FINALLY BACK!"

"This is outrageous!" exclaimed Everett to the internet via all his social media platforms. "I carefully ignored the problem for years and every once in a while chided people on line, but now is the time for me to stand up and ask very politely if the terrible elements in our fanbase will stop with the casual racism."

Reportedly, Everett absolutely knew this was happening repeatedly over the course of the past decade, but he never took time out of his busy schedule playing fantasy football and looking at obscure leagues to follow American players to address the issue. With the recent election, though, Everett was motivated to ensure that THIS is the time he finally addresses the issue.

"We just gotta come together, all of us, we need to be better, to treat each other better, and honestly... there's probably not that many illegals at this game anyway so the jokes will go right over their head."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Everett forgets he ever cared after this game is over.

Washington Spirit Continue To Work Towards A More Patriotic Roster

WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit announced that they were continuing to work towards a more patriotic roster for 2017 as they sever ties with players like Ali Krieger and Christine Nairn.

How many of these players will survive the cull?!

"We decided over the course of the season that our roster wasn't patriotic enough and didn't support our love of the best country on the face of the planet," stated owner Bill Lynch.

"The Washington Spirit is all about great soccer, community involvement, fanatical devotion to the best country ever, standing for the national anthem, and asking our players to not outwardly display their support of LGBTQ causes. As such, it behooves us to ensure that our roster reflects this."

Reportedly, additional cuts to the Spirit lineup may come soon as sources indicate that Crystal Dunn may soon be leaving the Spirit lineup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Spirit continue gutting their roster.