Arena Promises To Make The USMNT Great Again By Deporting All Foreign Players

LOS ANGELES - Speaking from his position as the Los Angeles Galaxy manager, Bruce Arena stated that if he were to take the United States head coach position that he would immediately deport all foreign born players and make them pay for it in order to make the USMNT great again.

"We don't need no Germans to get us a win."    (Do we need to say this is satire, again? JERMAINE JONES DO NOT RE-TWEET THIS. OR DO. WHATEVER.)

"We don't need no Germans to get us a win." 

 

(Do we need to say this is satire, again? JERMAINE JONES DO NOT RE-TWEET THIS. OR DO. WHATEVER.)

"We need more true-blue American players like Jeff Agoos. Now that was a man you could depend upon, as American as Budweiser and Ford. We don't need John Brooks,  Fabian Johnson, Timothy Chandler, Cameron Carter-Vickers, William Yarbrough, Jermaine Jones, Marc Pelosi, Danny Williams, Darlington Nagbe, Alfredo Morales,  Mix Diskerud, Juan Agudelo, Terrence Boyd, and Jerome Kiesewetter type of players," stated Arena to a collection of stunned reporters.

"We need good, healthy, American born boys that play in Major League Soccer and can get the ball up and down the wing like Landon Donovan. I just need 11 Landon Donovan's to play my absorb and counter attack style who know the beating undercurrent of the United States in their heart, in their legs, and in their groin."

When asked about his failures in the past with teams like the 2006 United States World Cup team Arena stated, "There was too much foreign influence on that group, clearly. Also everyone knows that we aren't going to get out of a group of death in the world cup. That's foolish. I'm not saying I'll take over the team again, but if I do... the krauts are out."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Arena announces a contract extension with the LA Galaxy.