Targeted Allocation Money Happy For Second Chance In Columbus

Columbus, OH - After hearing of the trade from the New England Revolution to the Columbus Crew, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM) hung up his phone, hugged his mother and gave thanks for a second chance at cracking the lineup once more.

"I thought I was done in this league," stated TAM to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "However, we can all now see that if you keep working, if you keep grinding, you will have a chance to really make an impact. Glory to God on this momentous day."

While most Revolution fans indicate that Targeted Allocation Money wasn't living up to the hype during his time in Revolution colors, many of the fans that we spoke with wished him well as he headed off for the Yellow, Black, Blue, White and other colors they added to the third kit of Columbus.

"He was versatile, and they really tried to get him to make an impact but it was very clear that TAM needed a second chance somewhere else," stated Revolution fan Heidi Montcalm. "We liked his fire, but he just wasn't useful for us in this current lineup."

Crew fans have stated disbelief that they acquired the vaunted Targeted Allocation Money as many fans rushed the team store to purchase kits with #10 Money kits.

"He's Ours! WHAT A DAY TO BE ALIVE! We acquired Targeted Allocation Money," stated David Burroughs of Columbus.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TAM prepares for his first day with the Crew.

PreCog Taylor Twellman Finds Future and Present Time Indistinguishable

Boston, MA - As he woke up in a translucent liquid that focuses his ability to see the future, Taylor Twellman screamed, ** TRANSFER INCOMING -- KEI KAMARA TO THE NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION**"

Twellman's focusing pool where he works with other precogs to train them on finding confirmed transfer reports.

This was the beginning of The Nutmeg News interview with Mr Twellman and we waited til he was dressed to speak to him about his precognitive abilities on the veranda of his palatial estate in Boston

"Life Is hell and I'm about to lose my hat," stated Twellman as he looked off into the distance while a cold wind blew his hat off into his waiting hand. "Or maybe life was hell. I can no longer distinguish between the present and the future. All things are one within the multiverse, the universe, player transfers and major soccer events. Also, you are about to have a ladybug land on your jacket and your phone is going to ring."

Both of these last events happened as predicted, but this should come as no surprise anymore. It has long been an open secret that Twellman's ability to disclose transfer information before it happens is unnatural, but he reports that living with the ability to see the future, the past and the present all as one heaving organism that tumbles within his frontal cortex out to the world is not a walk on the beach.

"Giovinco goal, assisted by Bradley, 31st minute, the defense should have closed down the open man," randomly stated Mr. Twellman again as he spoke with our reporter. "I don't know where it comes from, but I can feel it upon me at times. It is akin to when you can't remember a song title, but you know it will come to your memory if you just focus. I can see the things that happen," Mr Twellman paused here, shuddered and screamed ** MASSIVE TRADE INCOMING** before continuing with our interview, "but I can't do anything but be a vessel, a conduit for the information out there."

While Mr Twellman stated that being able to see both the future and the present and the past at one time is both a blessing and a curse, he also emphatically stated, "Matthew, Don't get married to Karina, it doesn't turn out well. Also, this whole seeing the future thing has never worked for me with MLS Fantasy, which is crazy. It seems that being able to see the future only works in the real world. Go figure."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Twellman accurately predicts that the response to the Kamara trade within the Columbus fanbase will not be immediately positive.

Man Arbitrarily Roots For Sunderland Relegation

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Horatio Gomez decided, randomly, at 8:30 am pacific time to root against Sunderland for the remaining two games of the season stating, "Fuck those guys, I hope they get relegated," on his twitter account.

"I have no strong feelings on Luton Town" - Horatio Gomez

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Gomez via phone about his recent realization.

"I don't have any particular reason to hope that they go down, but I saw some fans talking shit online about teams that I tend to like and they were Sunderland fans so I've just decided that I don't like them now and I hope they get relegated."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez doesn't typically feel strongly about any of the teams in the relegation battle and empathizes with their fanbase, but the twitter account of one Sunderland fan has rendered him into a frothing hater of all things Wearside. 

"I hate Sunderland, I hate Sam Allardyce, and I hate... um.... what's the name of a player on their team? Is Altidore still playing for them? No? Well, I hate... hold on.... Whabi Kharzi. There. I hope they go down to the Championship and never come up. SUCK ON THAT @WearSunFanatic69"

Nicklas Bendtner Explores Idea Of Creating MLS Transfer Rumor

Wolfsburg, DE - International superstar and Major League Soccer rumor acquisition bait Nicklas Bendtner has reportedly started exploring the idea of creating an MLS Transfer Rumor as his recent contract with Wolfsburg has been terminated.

Coming to the LA Galaxy! MAYBE!

Photo: Oliver Hardt : Getty 

"I need money and I need fame," stated Bendtner to TNN international correspondent Gustaf Reinholt on Wednesday. "I feel like I could find both by leveraging the MLS as a place to run rumors while utilizing those rumors to get another team in Italy to take a chance on me."

Reportedly Bendtner called his agent Ivan Marko in order to strategize a way to utilize the North American league in order to get more money and interest from teams like Chievo Verona or Bologna.

"We can leverage some interest in my name as it is internationally famous," stated Bendtner. "Let's just use the US Press machine to make it seem like I'm in demand and then we can get a better paycheck from Italy."

The Nutmeg News spoke to commissioner Don Garber about the Bendtner To MLS rumor and he had the following to say, "Major League Soccer is beyond excited to work with a player of Lord Bendtner's capabilities. We are already changing the league structure by virtue of instituting new player acquisition rules in order to allow the acquisition of Niklas by whichever teams he deems worthy of his services."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors of Bendtner to MLS swirl and the die off. 

US Open Cup Madness Sweeps Over Dozens Of People

Denver, CO - As she gently tapped on the window on her local coffee shop shouting, "Harpo's FC is the team of the proletariat," Ms Doris Applebee of Denver, Colorado admitted that she was excited for this evening's US Open cup matchup of Harpo's FC versus Albuquerque Sol FC with the 2016 version of the United States Open Cup tournament kicking off on Wednesday.

"Can they do it again? 10's of people want to know!" 

Photograph: Richard Laemming Wheeler /Pockets of Peace

"Harpos FC will rise up and give a voice for the people as we gather around our youtubes and our computers to watch grainy feeds of the...is there a feed? No? Maybe? Well, if there isn't a feed we will gather around our twitter accounts and watch as the game unfolds allowing us to re-tweet the sundry game action in smug satisfaction!" 

While Ms. Applebee is excited for the upcoming tournament, she is not the only one as literally dozens of fans nation wide are excited by the tournament kicking off today.

"I can't wait," stated Paul Harrison of Tucson as he prepares for FC Tucson to take on San Nicolas FC. "I know that I and a few people that I know from the few times we casually nodded to each other while at a Tucson game are excited to host our US Open Cup game tonight."

The Nutmeg News acquired an interview with US Soccer Federation CEO Dan Flynn about the kickoff of the 2016 US Open Cup and he had the following to say, "Who, and What is kicking off? Are you on drugs?"

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Sandra and Alvin Redding of Portland, Maine about tonight's GPS Portland Phoenix game against AFC Cleveland and they expressed a measure of excitement stating, "Our son plays for Phoenix, so naturally we are going. Can't wait to see the game, we hope there is going to be more people there than the two of us."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people in your twitter feed constantly attempt to remind you of the USOC kicking off tonight before you forget.

Aggressive USSF US Open Cup Advertising Concludes With Singular Scheduled Tweet

The US Soccer Federation (USSF) concluded their aggressive US Open Cup advertising with a singular scheduled re-tweet on the day before the USOC kicks off shining an impressively dim spotlight on the annual tournament.

THAT IS SOME ADVERTISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I had it in my outlook calendar to re-tweet something appropriate," stated US Soccer Federation public relations manager James Hargood. "We thought that we could create a firestorm by re-tweeting a notification from another, less popular twitter account that we are kinda using to aggregate everything. I mean, that's information enough for the general population."

Sources within the US Soccer Federation indicate that the top brass didn't want to push the tournament too much via advertising, public relations and television opportunities in case there was too much media saturation of the nationwide phenomenon.

"It's important to us to not tell people about the tournament," stated President of the USSF Sunil Gulati. "We don't want people to be overwhelmed with all the information out there on The Cup. What with the 24 hour ESPN coverage and the day of Cup broadcasts on all NBC Sports affiliates and the whip around show on Youtube that has cut in coverage of all the games with professional hosts, we fear that the general population is approaching a saturation point with US Open Cup Coverage."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation scales back it's advertising for next year.

Nihilist Crew Fan Admits, "None Of This Really Matters"

Columbus, OH - Nihilist Columbus Crew fan Harold Buttermaker has admitted that none of the recent problems with the Columbus Crew matter in the long run because, "They will likely make the playoffs anyway."

"Kei, you don't understand that the sun is going to explode and incinerate the Earth in a few million years anyway and even if that happens we will still make the playoffs... I mean, that's why you shouldn't take the penalty kick."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Buttermaker at his job on Tuesday afternoon as rumors swirled of a purported trade of either Kamara or Higuain before the transfer window closes.

"None of this matters. The arguments of the fans, the Capital Side, The Nordecke, Harrison Afful, Federico Higuain, Kei Kamara, Gregg Berhalter, Anthony Precourt, they come and go, and yet we all still make it into the playoffs in perpetuity as the world spins endlessly towards totally annihilation, dooming us all in the future."

According to sources inside his life, Mr Buttermaker's opinion on the situation of the Columbus Crew has been greatly influenced by the rising oceans, the theft of our natural resources, the knowledge that all humans die eventually and the knowledge that it is nearly impossible to miss the Major League Soccer playoffs and once you are in, "who knows what will happen."

"I'd get bent out of shape but in the end... does it really matter if Higuan or Kamara fight over a penalty kick? Does it matter if I stand in the Nordecke or on the Capital Side? Does it matter if Precourt signs Berhalter to a 10 year extension? No. We are still going to make the playoffs, and we will likely play better at some point, or not. Everyone will find a way to get along, or they will trade players. Something will happen, or nothing... either way, we are likely going to make the playoffs."

Chicago Fire Offer "Buy 0 Get 10" Ticket Event To Attract Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a "Buy 0 Get 10" ticket event on Tuesday in order to attract fans as Andrew Hauptman panhandled tickets to anyone willing to talk to him at the 294 overpass right next to the McDonald's off 76th Ct. 

PHOTO: @EmptySeatPics

"I mean this is a sellout!"

"FREEE TICKETS! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TICKETS" screamed Hauptman as a line of cars drove by and the drivers attempted to not make eye contact with the owner of the Chicago Fire.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Hauptman on his new street corner about this new ticket sales event and he had the following to say.

"We are reducing tickets to a low low price! All you need to do is be living or willing to bring a corpse with you and we will give you tickets to the game. How many do you want? I'll give you 5... no 6... no 10...no 20 tickets! 20 Tickets and all you have to do is show up to a game with as many living or dead people, or even mannequins, to fill the stands."

Hauptman stated that he was considering filling the stands with sentient robots if he couldn't give away his tickets stating, "Robots don't care if you insult them and show them terrible play and ensure that in a league where everyone makes the playoffs that you don't. At least the ones we would have in the stands wouldn't care."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire try to come up with more ticket giveaway ideas.

Vancouver Whitecaps Issue Press Release Stating, "We Offer No Opinion On Fort McMurray" After Banner Hang Kerfuffle

VANCOUVER - The Vancouver Whitecaps hastily issued a press release clarification stating their ambivalence to the Fort McMurray situation on Monday after a "Support Fort McMurray" banner was allowed to hang in the supporters section of the Whitecaps fans during a game against the Portland Timbers on Saturday.

"Pride has been cancelled and we are expecting refunds from You Can Play"

"We do not condone political messages of any kind," stated Whitecaps Chief Operating Officer Rachel Lewis. "After a quick discussion with our Whitecaps supporters we decided to leave the banner as it was already hanging and we didn't want to cause a scene. However, the Whitecaps must categorically state that we will not tolerate political messaging of any kind and renounce the idea that the Whitecaps support  or do not support or even think about Fort McMurray and the issues that city is facing."

Ms. Lewis went on to say, "we are also retracting our support for Pride, and give racism the red card as these are both are inherently political statements. Supporters will be advised that supporting LGBT rights and opposing racism as a political statement in B.C. Place are antithetical to what the Whitecaps are about. We are attempting to craft a family friendly atmosphere free of any kind of thoughts as to the outside world what-so-ever and rampant political abuse like Support Fort McMurray draws attention to the suffering of others."

While Whitecaps supporters offered solidarity with the banner that was spray painted, they were reportedly not surprised to hear of the Whitecaps decision as security there has cracked down on any political statements in the past.

"While it is disappointing to find out that the Whitecaps must vocalize that they don't support Fort McMurray, we the fans will still make ourselves heard, unless, of course, they confiscate all of our supposedly political banners in the future," stated Whitecaps fan Dean Parot. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Whitecaps issue a statement claiming the previous statement and the conversation about the banner was taken out of context.

USWNT Fan Flips Car In Protest Of Wambach Witch Hunt

Boise, ID - Sandra Valen, fan of the United States Women's National Team, admitted that she flipped her car in protest of the recent, "Abby Wambach witch hunt," after TMZ revealed that Wambach flipped her SUV in the front yard of a house in Portland, Oregon two years ago.

Photo: Getty Images

"I'm here to announce that I've already forgiven Abby for any kind of infraction she may have done in the past including any supposed DUI's, drug running, xenophobic comments, dog fighting, illicit comments about teammates, or even murder," stated Ms. Valen to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm flipping my car in solidarity with Abby because this is bullshit. I'm posting this to my Tumblr account as a way to show that anyone can flip a car at any time. What someone does in the past stays in the past. There's no reason to dredge this back up. Abby told me to forget her, and I did. I literally forgot and forgave all her sins. I'm like Jesus in that way."

Ms. Valen admitted that she forgot everything about Ms Wambach except for her eternal love of Ms Wambach and the notion that, "Abby can do no wrong."

"SHE CAN DO NO WRONG. Have you seen how many goals she scored? Have you seen her trophy case? Have you seen old pictures of Abby recently and wept? I HAVE! This is just the liberal media out to get Abby and I won't stand for it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Valen starts talking about people from Germany taking her brothers job.

D.C. United Announce "The Customer Is Always Wrong" Policy In Light Of Criticisms

WASHINGTON - In response to recent criticisms of the D.C. United front office by fans such as the District Ultras, the D.C. United front office rolled out their new campaign which states, "The Customer Is Always Wrong."

Photo: Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

"We are almost there, boys! If we have no fans by the time we move into the new stadium we can increase pricing for the inaugural season!"

"We realized that if we stopped caring about our fanbase and told them that they were wrong that they would just have to accept it, because our attendance is shit anyway," stated  general manager Dave Kasper.  "We had a general front office and ownership meeting about our fans at the end of the 2014 season and we decided that we don't really like them. It behooves us to remove all the elements that we don't like before we move into a new stadium where we don't want the ruffians around that might bring down our team value."

Reportedly, the D.C. United front office is trying to flip the team for a tidy profit two years after the stadium at Buzzard Point is built and has plans to collectively buy a Brooklyn Brownstone with the money.

"We actually called Merritt Paulson to ask him about how to tell fans off, but he told us that his fans just end up loving him anyway for doing so. He really didn't have any advice on how to actually get fans to stop showing up to games," stated Mr. Kasper to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So we called Jorge Vergara, who told us that the key to pissing off a fanbase was collectively apathy on and off the field, unreasonable sanctions on fans, increasing ticket prices, failing to keep promises and finding a way to ensure that the front office is a bigger story than the team on the field. We also reached out to Andrew Hauptman about this issue and he told us that the best way to reach a fanbase is to insult them by OP/ED online followed by not talking to them for the next few years and complete ineffectiveness on the field."

Sources within the D.C. United front office stated that if they can reduce the size of the supporters groups, they can sell more field level tickets at a higher price when they move into the new stadium so it behooves the team to eliminate as many fans with dissenting views as possible.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the D.C. United front office talks about invalidating the season tickets of any fans that dare challenge them in order to resell them to anyone else that wants the seats.

NBC Coverage Of Leicester City Pre-Game Sparkles As They Show 5 Seconds Of Coverage

NEW YORK - NBC today showed their new coverage of the Premier League champions by pushing the game to the USA network and showing roughly 5 seconds of Nessun Dorma as sung by Andrea Bocelli.

WALL TO WALL COVERAGE

"We realized that we needed to do more than absolutely nothing, so we upgraded from 0 seconds of coverage to 5 seconds of coverage," stated Michael Perman, vice-president of programming for NBC Sports.

"It was important for NBC to cover this in a really overbearing manner to show our commitment to the game so we managed to sandwich roughly 200 adds around the 2 seconds of atmosphere that we all knew existed but didn't really want to show at all. It was really more important to show some horses getting rubbed down and people talking about things that were eventually going to happen over on the main channel and show some hightlights while our announcers talk over the amazing scenes and then cut away before Bocelli sings."

Reportedly, NBC Sports was very proud of the fact that they moved from not giving a shit about the ceremony to do a really horrible job broadcasting it.

"It's a major step up for us! We are now doing an incompetent job. Before we weren't even doing A job. Hopefully we will figure out a way to do an even more moderately awful job going forward. Next year we hope to show you about 6 seconds of atmosphere followed by 86 commercials and then hopefully we will miss the first kick of the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

American E-Sports Fans Bemoan Lack Of Ambition After FIFA Stars Sign Locally

LOS ANGELES - "How are we going to compete with Europe if our biggest E-sports competitors are signing with inferior teams in an inferior league," claimed Dennis Billow of Santa Cruz, California. 

West Ham Football Club's Dragonn with a second place finish to Mohammad Al-Bacha.

What Mr Billow is referring to is the current trend of US E-Sports specialists in FIFA such as Mr FiGoSkiLLz (Michael Ribeiro) and Brian Jaldin signing locally instead of testing out their skills internationally with clubs such as West Ham in the Barclay's Premier League.

"Until we get FiGoSkiLLZ signing with Chelsea like Dragonn signed with West Ham we won't be a soccer nation," stated Barbara Hemsworth of Upper Darby Township, PA. "Our best players need to be playing internationally, and they need to go up against the kind of competition you will see at the FIFA Interactive World Cup on a regular basis. Otherwise we are just going to end up flaming out in the early stages again."

"These Americans need to be playing in the best league in order to test themselves," stated head coach of the US FIFA team Jurgen Klinsmann

Reportedly while many Premier League teams are starting to look at the burgeoning E-Sports scene in England as a place to tap talent, they feel as though the soccer IQ in the United States isn't there yet.

"We looked at a young man from Boston who was 14," stated Finance Director of Sunderland Angela Lowes. "However, we felt as though he was lacking in tactical part of the game. He liked to play athletic, strong and fast and we felt like he couldn't hold down a nuanced position in our e-sports 11."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC tries to make a splash by offering HugeGorilla (Spencer Ealing) a contract in order to make a splash in the transfer market.

Christy Clark: British Columbia Ready To Take In Oregon Refugees But Still Needs Details On Federal Funding

Burnaby, B.C. - Mindful of maintaining border control during a contentious United States election year, the British Columbia provincial government announced an effort at settling refugees from the Oregon territory as they stream across the border this weekend to escape the election and future government of their country, Premier Christy Clark says.

Photo Credit: Ray Terrill - For more photos, please see his Flickr Account 

"They come here on foot carrying everything with them. We must nourish their spirit after such a long journey and offer counselling."

"We hope that the federal government will be able to make sure that they have the funding in place to ensure that every refugee has a section in B.C. Place to settle for fans from Oregon of the Portland Timbers."

"The province has set aside $250 dollars to resettle newcomers with Canadian beer as these refugees will need trauma counselling after being forced to leave their homes," Clark said Friday.

"We feel that the best way to treat these refugees is humanely and with the decency not found on the other side of the border," stated Premier Clark. "We expect to see a wash of green clad migrants struggling across the acrid land of the peace arch and arriving on our shores within the hour. We have made our facilities, hostels, bars, and dance clubs available in select parts of the city while ensuring that our coffee shops maintain the highest quality in pour over techniques."

Clark said it’s not known how many refugees will come to B.C., though she has previously said the province is ready to accept roughly 600 of them before the whole thing gets really annoying in B.C. place for the fans that sit next to them.

"Likely we are going to need to open that roof as the refugees from Oregon have not showered after their long journey across the wastelands."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as British Columbia works on integrating these new members of society into the social fabric of Gastown.

After Day Three Of Pouring Through USSF Filings, Journalist Reports On Sense Of Ennui

CHICAGO - Journalist Peter Franklin reported a deep sense of ennui stemming from spending the last 3 days of digging through the collected filings of the US Soccer Federation and US Women's National Team regarding the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) complaint.

A modern soccer journalist in North America

"The only thing I can tell you is that I have clearly reached a stage where I don't care," stated Mr Franklin to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "There's just a mountain of legal documents that are being filed in this EEOC complaint and both sides are firmly entrenched and I'm not even certain what we are looking at anymore from a reporting standpoint."

While Franklin clearly has to file something, his determination of what that something is has changed from actual information to a general summation of the current details after seeing how much crap he has to sift through to try to find some kind of morsel of information.

"Look, I don't even know what I'm looking for, and I'm the one who actually gets to look through this stuff. And here's the thing.... I'm not getting paid any more money to spend my entire Thursday and Friday sifting through legalese and a bunch of terminology from the USSF. I'd rather write a preview of the games this weekend. Hell, I'd rather write a North American kit power ranking column than look through another document from this case. So draw your own conclusion from this and lets just wait til something else happens."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as despite his reservations, Mr Franklin continues to pour over documents until he just gets frustrated, shuts his laptop and boldly states, "fuck this".

Andrea Pirlo Deeply Sighs By A Mural As He Remembers He Actually Has To Go Back To Work

NEW YORK - Andrea Pirlo took in the mural that he was enjoying in the East Village at Doc Holliday's bar before the realization that he was having to go back to work and actually play football hit him right between the eyes.

Photo Credit: @Pirlo_official

"Merda! No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to eventually retire and do something that I love, I end up having to go back to my 9 to 5 job." 

"I was enjoying myself by walking, thinking and discussing French literature written about the terroir of Burgundy and the sudden realization that I had to go back to work on Sunday hit me in a very specific and determined way. It was then on east sixth street while wating for my hired car that I experienced a deep feeling of dissatisfaction," stated Pirlo to The Nutmeg News.

"I had a deep longing to call my friend Gianlugi Buffon and jet back off to Ibiza again. It's been ages. I just need a vacation. It is what the Americans call a feeling of dread before the work week, the feeling of an approaching Monday."

While Pirlo is travelling to RFK stadium with NYCFC to play DC United, this hasn't cheered up the mood of the Italian as he admitted to procrastinating his preparation for the job on Sunday.

"I have been hitting snooze on my alarm and attempting to still enjoy the day. I'm not looking forward to the commute. I'm not looking forward to having to slave over a hot pitch for 90 minutes. However, I keep repeating that I'm not going to let having to go back to work ruin my weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Pirlo lets the idea of returning back to his job ruin the last 4 hours of his Saturday evening before he goes to bed when he is supposed to be relaxing but instead he pensively sucks on the corner of his cheek while he scans over his smart phone clicking on nothing in specific but just scanning facebook and twitter while delaying his bedtime because he knows that closing his eyes means he has to go back to his job again.

Supporters Group Claims Diversity Award

Duluth, MN - Thor's Hammer, a supporters group of the Minnesota Menace, have claimed a 2016 Supporters Group diversity award after they recently acquired a bisexual Vietnamese fan on loan for the rest of the year.

Soccer supporter group demographics in North America (excluding Mexico) can be a bit monochromatic.

"Let's not beat around the bush," stated Berthold Smith, president of Thor's Hammer, to The Nutmeg News. "We are a pretty non-diverse group of supporters, even if you look at many of the big groups nationally. It isn't intentional, but the demographics into the sport right now don't lie. It's especially obvious when you browse pictures across the pantheon of soccer supporters in the United States. Soccer stands in the US and Canada aren't exactly a hugely diverse place, yet. So when we added Samuel Nguyen to our ranks this year it upped the diversity of the league supporters group by a whopping 10%."

Mr. Smith admitted that the group pictures of Thor's Hammer used to resemble an IT company's annual picnic, but now he stated that the supporters group is proud to showcase actual physical evidence that they are inclusive and welcoming, even if most of the membership remains lily white.

"We have always had people flying pride flags, but many of our members in our LGBT community moved to Minneapolis in the past few years. So it's really nice to have a double whammy of someone from Vietnam who also is part of the LGBT community. Really gives us that edge in the awards categories."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thor's Hammer tries to figure out a way to reach out to more fans from different socioeconomic areas of the city who may not even understand that they might enjoy soccer.

33 Year Old Fan Defies Common Sense On Gameday

Salt Lake City, UT - "It's not like back when I was 22 when I could drink all day without a problem, but I'm fine... I'm COMPLETELY FINE," stated Tim Brown of the Sugarhouse neighborhood while defying the advancement of his age that will require him to pay for his actions at the game on Saturday by being unable to move on Sunday. 

"Every time he gets to the weekend and another home game, he promises me that he is going to take it easy," stated Mr. Brown's fiancee Jerry Stillwater. "Then he goes to the game, has a few beers, forgets how it makes him feel and the next thing you know he is jumping up and down on concrete, waving a flag and yelling profanities at the field. I keep telling him that he is 33, and he can't go to the game wearing a replica kit like a 14 year old kid, slamming beers in the parking lot, and jumping around like crazy. You have to have a bit of a limit and he is still realizing his."

While Mr. Brown was indisposed on Sunday to speak with The Nutmeg News, we caught up with him at The Park Cafe on Thursday morning to speak with him about his actions.

"Well, I went to the game, talked to some friends outside the stadium, which turned into talking to some of their friends, which continued into doing tequila shots with some 20 year old college kids at their first game that were hanging outside which lead to drunkenly singing songs, which lead to 6 Bud Lights during the game, which lead to me pulling my kit off and whirling it around my head around 70 minutes after the Yura goal which turned into a massive headache, a migraine most of Sunday, and needing to lie in a cool dark place to recover."

Reportedly, Mr. Brown has considered changing his tickets from a supporters section to something a bit less rowdy, but forgets how awful he feels post hangover by the time the next game rolls around and continues to want to deny his advancing age.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brown notices a persistent back and knee pain and deliberates whether he needs to switch to craft beer because Bud Light is just, "wrecking me, ugh... god."

Blogger Works Hard To Somehow Connect Leicester City Victory To United States

Des Moines, IA - Blogger Steven Kuparik diligently worked on a story, Thursday, that would allow him to connect the seemingly dissimilar events of the Leicester City premier league title and the current landscape of American soccer.

"I'm not sure yet how this is going to work out," stated Mr Kuparik to The Nutmeg News, "but I'm hoping that when I'm done writing this story that my heart wrenching emotes will connect the two situations allowing all of us in the entire United States to bask in the reflective glory of the Leicester City championship."

Reportedly, Mr. Kuparik came to this idea as 10,000 bloggers did, by watching Chelsea draw Tottenham to hand Leicester the championship and then wondering, "what does this say about MY situation."

"I just wanted to understand myself better, my situation better and my soccer better by allowing all of that to be covered in the glory of the win of a mill town in England. Despite neither of the situations really having anything to do with each other, I'm going to struggle on through that for some tenuous grasps such as, 'the struggle for authenticity is one we face everywhere' or I'll cribb some of the data from Wells Thompson's ESPN piece that I'll pass off as new information for my tens of readers. Somehow, someway I'm connecting this victory to my own situation."

Goal Allows Fleeting Joy For Critic Of North American Soccer Structure

NEW YORK - Eternal critic of the soccer structure in North America Carl Pearson admitted that he allowed himself a feeling of fleeting joy while watching a goal scored by Steven Mendoza during NYCFC's 3-2 win over the Vancouver Whitecaps.

"One must only allow themselves feelings when they watch the European leagues. Only league stooges allow themselves any sentimentality towards the act of soccer within North America."

"I felt a tremor in my extremities which soon enveloped my entire body. Words of joy came out of my mouth before I could stop them," stated Mr Pearson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I momentarily felt the kind of happiness that leads one to abandon all kinds of moral pretense. I resolved quickly after that to regain my resolute dissatisfaction of the structure of soccer within North America and buried that feeling of joy of the game of soccer without pondering on the overall impact that it has upon a society deep within my soul where it will not awaken until an inadvertent yelp will be exclaimed after a David Villa goal four months from now."

Mr. Pearson has stated that he does not allow himself to feel any joy at the game of soccer from any league in the United States or Canada due to the fact that all leagues are complicit in the, "Cabal like structure that strangles real growth of a league based upon anarchic community owned syndicates that operate within a grass roots endeavor." 

He stated, as well, that on rare occasions he can once again regain the love of the game of soccer independent of the geo-political ramifications of enjoying the sport, but that this typically only happens twice per year before he reminds himself, "man in this country cannot enjoy soccer ever whilst the elite oligarchy strangle our dreams in the cradle with the umbilical chord of the centrally controlled league bourgeois elite while our dreams of a socialist utopia involving cut throat capitalist league structures ensuring that mediocrity and failure is resolutely punished dies and withers."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Pearson asks his friend Leonard to not post the photo of him doing a "fist pump" in celebration.