Timbers Army To Unveil Revised Chant

Portland, OR - The Timbers Army have announced that they will soon be unveiling a revised and now democratically implemented, voted upon and inclusive chant for upcoming games that will cover the entire spectrum of gender, sexuality, humanity, and activity possible.

Photo Credit: Portland Timbers

Photo Credit: Portland Timbers

"We know and understand that our Portland Boys chant has an inherently misogynistic statement of possessing women, references forced sexual activity (depending upon interpretation) and promotes the culture of self poisoning known as drinking, regardless of any interpretation," stated David Housman co-creative director of chants and director of the Timbers Army Violin and Cornet infantry. "As a progressive group moving forward, we wanted to ensure that every single condition and activity of humanity is covered and agreed upon before we get to the next verses. It's important to cover anyone that self-identifies as a Timber's fan."

Reportedly, the revised chant will start with an open ended preamble drum salute that will then dovetail into a Timbers Army Gregorian chant. This will allow all participants to vocally express any current gender, sexuality, or identification that they feel is representative of themselves or any other human that decides to self identify as a Timbers fan. 

An excerpt of the new chant was sent to The Nutmeg News and includes the following,

"Portland players we are here and the we in this question is the accepted coalescing and self identifying but as well anarchic unidentified members and non-members of the loose cooperative called the Timbers Army, who may identify more closely with regional, non-regional or internationally recognized and unrecognized groups as well those individuals who are not identifying with the Timbers Army. In addition there may be those here in here with what we self term a crowd (although others may utilize any designation that they wish including gathering or no designation what so ever) who may care more specifically about other teams or perhaps other sports including those that abstain from sports but are here as a favor which include those that are watching from home gather to watch, not watch, care or not care about the sports spectacle below and the "we" in the aforementioned preamble includes the following list of individuals that have gathered hence.

Cisgender Male, Cisgender Female, Male, Female, Transgender Male, Transgender Female, gender non-conformity asexual atheists, gender non-conformity bisexual catholics, gender non-conformity heterosexual non-monogamists, bisexual, pansexual, aseuxal, homosexual, heterosexual, bi-curious lesbian third wave feminists, allied heterosexual cisgender male second wave feminists, pansexual S&M advocates.."

The identifying statements continue, but The Nutmeg News has clipped them for brevity. The chant concludes the first statement of self identification by requiring a quorum of all Timbers fans throughout the stadium to vote on whether they feel this is satisfactory enough to represent the vast swath of fans they are representing by the "we" statement initiated by the "Portland players" statement, and if the vote is deadlocked, the process is repeated with another round of drums leading into another statement of identity followed by another vote as to whether or not the new additions cover enough of the human spectrum to allow continuation to the next portion of the chant

The next statement has been changed from the misogynist possessive statement of "your women" and the self destructive statement of "drink your beer" to state, "We the aforementioned and certified, purposefully propose, without coercion, the idea of sexual activity with an acceptable partner, partners, or we will engage in self stimulation or engage in no activity what so ever at the point at which this decision is made, we will then engage in whatever activity the individual engages to relax themselves provided that it is within the realm of human compassion and does not promote destruction of the individual unless those who wish for destruction by virtue of drink or drugs in which case that is their own moral choice as long as they are harming no other, whoa - whoa - whoa."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army and all supporters group in Major League Soccer, the PDL, the NPSL, the USL, the NASL, and England who use this chant attempt to salvage what is just a really terrible chant to begin with.