Major League Soccer Introduces New League Loyalty Oath And Home Surveillance Program

NEW YORK - In a stunning move, Major League Soccer today announced a new league loyalty oath and home surveillance program called "MLS Cares".

The Nutmeg News spoke to Major League Soccer Security boss Ray Whitworth about the new program and he had the following to say.

"We here with Major League Soccer want our fans to be safe. More importantly than that we want the hordes of fans that attend our games to FEEL safe. We have already implemented a sharp increase in the number of external and internal stadium video recording system, but our new program MLS CARES, will allow us to take that surveillance even further. 

If you agree to let the league video tape you at all times, you will receive a 10% coupon for concessions in the stadium of your choice. You will be required to take a league loyalty oath that states, 'Praise Security. Praise TSA. Praise the League. All hail the mighty invasive pat down that lifts our underwire and tries to find our flask. I will never raise arms against the league. I will never raise flares against the league. I will never raise smoke against the league. No banner shall criticize, no two-stick shall profane. In all matters, the judgment of the league is best, final and appropriate.' It's important for our new middle class fans to feel safe, even if they are surrounded by hoards of fans just waiting to do a Green Street and smash their faces with pint glasses. I've seen it all before, y'know. Elijah Wood. West Ham. I was there. It was awful. The United States and that other country are just a festering suckhole of rebellious thought that must be tamed."

Reportedly, the MLS Cares program will allow full time 24x7 monitoring from your house to your stadium via CCTV in your bedroom, living room and bathroom, and drone coverage from the sky when you leave. This will allow the league to finally feel safe about supporters and increase the adaptation of everyone to new security measures that will reportedly eventually include taking off all your clothes, spreading your cheeks and showing whether or not you have any hidden contraband up there.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Whitworth campaign towards a secure and non-violent Major League Soccer.

Sporting Kansas City, The 1992 Dream Team, And A Block Of Cheddar Cheese - More Similar Than You Think!

Sporting Kansas City enter as favorites to win against Red Bull New York in New York on Saturday. The 1992 Dream Team entered as favorites to win against Lithuania . A block of Cheddar Cheese enters as a favorite to be grated on your Tacos.

• As this format was so  expertly explored by Sports Illustrated, the Nutmeg News will now show you all the ways in which Sporting Kansas City, the 1992 Dream Team and a block of Cheddar Cheese are more similar than you think!

HISTORIC STREAKS

2012 saw Sporting Kansas City start the season with seven straight victories, setting the club's all-time record for longest regular season winning streak in regulation at nine games

The 1992 Dream Team never lost a game on the way to the 1992 gold medal.

The block of yellow Cheddar Cheese that you found in your trunk that you accidentally left when you went to your friend Mark's party night was so melted that it left marks all over your corduroy pants.  QUELLE DAMAGE, JIMBO

STAR POWER

Sporting Kansas City glitter with Beny Feilhaber, Dom Dwyer, Roger Espinoza, Graham Zusi, and Matt Besler

The 1992 Dream Team sparkled (see what we did there) with Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson,  Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, Larry Bird, and Christian Laettner

Trader Joe's X-tra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Great Lakes Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Cracker Barrel Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Tillamook Vintage White Cheddar Cheese, Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, need we say more?

STYLE OF PLAY

Sporting Kansas City relentlessly press and play an up tempo game designed to make their opponents feel uncomfortable.

The 1992 Dream Team relentlessly press and play an up tempo game designed to make their opponents feel uncomfortable other than the simple fact that they were all professionals and better than literally everyone else on the court

The 2004 Vintage Kraft Cheddar Cheese slice that has been sitting in your buddies fridge for 12 years will relentlessly press and play an up temp game with your colon when you feel adventurous enough to try it on a pimento loaf sandwich that you whipped up because you were hungry.

D.C. United Fan Podcast Has Credentials Revoked For Being Fans

WASINGTON - The men that run D.C United Podcast YEWnited reportedly had their credentials to access the team, training and press box pulled after the front office complained that hosts of the low rated podcast were actually fans of the team with season tickets.

From BlackandRedUnited.com

We don't know what it is, but it seems important.

"They have season tickets? Fuck that! We don't need fans, here." stated DC United director of Communication Dave Reynolds. "What we need are ignorant laypeople who just want to ask inane questions and not rock the boat."

The front office for D.C. United stated that they were in the process of reviewing their policy for giving out media credentials when they realized that they had actually given too many fans access to the team.

"It's just a matter of time before a fan stumbles on something we don't want them to know. I don't know, maybe a secret training regiment or some kind of problem with an injury. We don't need educated fans, we don't need people learning things here, and we don't need podcasts that cater to 20's of people every day breaking news to the 5 interested listeners they have that aren't their mom and dad or their significant other," stated Mr Reynolds.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Caspar Hanover and Grant Kawaii, hosts of YEWnited, about the loss of their credentials and they had the following to say.

"We both think the whole thing is pretty hilarious, but as far as we know, no one else is having their credentials pulled. It's pretty crazy to think the team actually cares about shutting down our access, but hey maybe they didn't want our dozens of fans to listen to us talk about the relatively uninteresting things that happened at training."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United pulls the credentials that The Nutmeg News doesn't have in the first place.

POLL: Five Games Into The MLS Season - PANIC?

Major League Soccer Set To Retroactively Ban Supporters For Indecent Acts

A press release handed down today from Ray Whitworth, director of Major League Soccer security, has indicated that Major League Soccer is retroactively banning a number of supporters in Major League Soccer for acts that have happened out of the stadium including rowdiness, lewd behavior, drunkenness, listening to illicit music, eating cured meats, flares, smoke, smoking, and not calling their mother on Mothers Day.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Whitworth and he had the following to say, "In an effort at curtailing future problems in the stadium, we have decided to police the activities that happen outside the stadium. We have a right to know if the supporters that attend our games are watching Partizan games, or Hajduk Split youtube videos, or the Sound Of Music but not the Julie Andrews version, or if they are making banners that we don't like, or setting off smoke a few blocks from the stadium. All of these may seem like petty crimes that a league shouldn't concern itself with, but it is important for us as an entity to make certain that we stop all of this before it even enters our stadium."

The press release from Mr Whitworth and Major League Soccer contains names that we have redacted for privacy, however the impact is absolute. They will be banned for activities that occurred outside the stadium, re-banned for activities that happened inside the stadium that they weren't contrite enough about the first time, or banned for activities that they might do in the future. 

According to sources with the league, Major League Soccer wants to ensure that it controls the gameday experience from the time a supporter wakes up in the morning to the time that they step through the bag search line to the pat down line, into the line for the metal detector, and then are randomly selected for the invasive search and then enter the stadium to buy their $11 Budweiser.

Aston Villa's Spectacle Of Desperation Energizes Promotion And Relegation Supporter

Tallahassee, FL - Promotion and Relegation supporter and sometime soccer fan David Carliso stated that Aston Villa's spectacle of desperation was an re-energizing moment in his quixotic quest to bring Promotion and Relegation to the United States.

This could be US!

"We can do this!" stated Mr. Carliso to his 46 friends on Twitter. "Just imagine, it could be the Chicago Fire that are not only playing horrifyingly bad soccer, but also having their fans having a nauseatingly painful, slow, permeating realization that they not only have terrible ownership but that they are also watching their team implode while free falling into the Championship and beyond. Think of the possibilities. Portland would likely be back in the USL because of their 2012 season, never would have attracted Caleb Porter to the team, and wouldn't have won the 2015 Championship. Toronto would likely still be in the USL because of 2012, Giovinco would probably be with Racing Santander or somewhere exotic. Chicago would likely be in the NPSL at this rate. Columbus is in the position of freefall, Miami could be next! Think about how great it would be to have all the Cascadia teams back in the USL or even the NPSL." 

While some would consider the delight of Mr. Carliso as ghoulish, he sees exactly the opposite. "Promotion and Relegation would allow horrifyingly bad teams, such as Aston Villa or Chicago or Columbus this season to suffer the far reaching consequences of playing bad. You can see it with Aston Villa who have not picked up their game at all and have essentially conceded the rest of their season since about November. That's the magic of relegation, the slow plunging dagger into the hearts of others who have to watch their team slowly be picked apart like rooting for Vultures to devour carrion. It's just utterly entrancing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Carliso utilizes Villa fans agony as fuel for his advocacy. 

¿Quién fue el Latino de la Jornada 5 de Futbol MLS? VOTA AHORA

Red Card Wins Major League Soccer Player Of The Week

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that the player of the week for the fifth week of the season would be Red Card, stating their obvious contribution to the games this week and their overall play.

Player of the GAME, Player of the WEEK!

With Red Card featuring as the star in several matches over the weekend, their contributions were unparalleled as observers and league officials state that Red Card was everywhere.

"Red Card was amazing. It didn't matter what position that you started them in, or where they were given, they did the job and really dominated the players they were against," stated MLS Armchair Analyst Matt Doyle.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Red Card and they had the following to say, "It was a tough game, but I give all glory to God and Jair Marrufo. They had the guts to put me in the game and I just had to execute. I know that when I came on that I changed the game and I'm just one card trying to make a difference. I want to also thank Ismail Elfath and Silviu Petrescu for believing in me. We did it! We really did it. We climbed that mountain top!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Red Card has a season to remember.

NASL kicks off 2016 season showing signs of slow growth

This Article Was Part Of The April 1st Collection on The Nutmeg News

The North American Soccer League formally kicks off their 7th year on Saturday with the Carolina Railhawks taking on Minnesota United at 3:00 pm EDT as the league shows signs of slow growth. With a restructuring of the league in terms of teams and the upcoming loss of Minnesota United to Major League Soccer, the NASL worked on creating new markets while expanding the reach of their product.

A new television deal that broadcasts games on Be-IN Sports and CBS Sports (starting in the fall for this network) as well as the continuation of the league broadcasts on ESPN3 and One World Sport allow fans and casual observers more opportunity than before to catch games, while a very slow expansion has, potentially, opened up additional markets around North America.

While there are some concerns about whether or not the markets that have started are going to be long term liabilities or viable, the NASL's ability to market and spend for players with groups like Rayo OKC give an interesting complexion to the upcoming spring season. Certainly, the ability for clubs to control the players they have coming into the team allows more autonomy and better chance of seeing individual styles flourish in the NASL. However, the league must still fight preconceptions about the level and style of play.

Two of the the NASL's major continued issues are the broadcasting of their games (something that they very clearly worked upon for 2016), and their facilities with most teams utilizing non-soccer specific stadiums. Their stadium problem is likely going to remain a major concern going forward for some time. Until the league can bring in and retain deep pocketed and well connected ownership groups, the look of high school football fields and substandard facilities will continue to detract from the overall presentation of the league. 

The divestment of ownership by Traffic of any controlling interests in the teams in the NASL is a major victory for both the NASL and soccer fans in North America. With the organization now out of Carolina, the league can move away from any kind of collaboration with the ethically aloof company. 

The NASL has the potential to grow, but that remains the same issue that they have had since the league started in 2009. The potential for the league to grow and be something as an alternative to Major League Soccer is a major attractant to many, but the infrastructure, play, facilities, and ability to watch the game continue to provide obstacles to adoption.  A strong competitor to Major League Soccer would offer the possibility of both leagues striving to better their product, better how they relate to fans, and challenge how they position themselves in the market. The issue still remains of what the roadmap is for the NASL going forward, the leadership of the league and how well structured they are to grow beyond having teams play at high school football stadiums. 

When:Who:How

SAT 04/02/2016

3:00 pm EDT - CAROLINA RAILHAWKS V MINNESOTA UNITED FC - WAKEMED SOCCER PARK - ESPN3

7:00 PM EDT - FORT LAUDERDALE STRIKERS V MIAMI - FC LOCKHART STADIUM - beIN Sports Connect

7:30 PM EDT - TAMPA BAY ROWDIES V INDY ELEVEN - AL LANG STADIUM - ONEworldsports.com

8:00 PM EDT - RAYO OKC V FC EDMONTON - MILLER STADIUM - ESPN3

SUN 04/03/2016

6:00 PM EDT NEW YORK COSMOS V OTTAWA FURY FC - JAMES M. SHUART STADIUM - ONEworldsports.com

Dad Takes Kids Out For Treat After Soccer Practice

This Article Was Part Of The April 1st Collection on The Nutmeg News

Chattanooga, TN – Following the first community soccer club practice of the year, Chattanooga resident Paul Shultz took his children Trevor and Cynthia (ages 13 and 8, respectively) to the local Dairy Queen.  While the kids were allowed to choose a dilly bar, Shultz went with a Peanut Buster Parfait.

After stating that no cell phones were allowed during their dessert time and that they would have to put them away, Paul asked his to his kids to see how their practices went.

“It was good,” Trevor stated. “My friends Ryan and Paul are on the team again so that’s cool.” 

"We worked on passing the ball and running for each other! IT WAS AMAZING!," stated Cynthia Shultz. 

“Do you guys like your coaches this season?” Shultz asked. “If you have a good coach they can really help you to improve your game." Both kids simply shrugged their shoulders and continued to eat their desserts.

"We have to talk about something important," stated Shultz. "I don't know how to say this so I'm going to be honest with both of you and talk to you both like adults. Ok? With your mom passing away, we don't have the money coming in from her income, and I can't afford to put you both into soccer next year. I know this isn't fair, a lot of things aren't right now, but I can only tell you that I'll make it up to you guys when I can."

Trevor continued to pick at the stem of his popsicle stick while Cynthia sat quiet with her eyes down at the table between them. It seemed like ages before the kids did anything and the silence exposed all the weakness that he felt every time he had to be honest with his kids.

"It'll be ok," said Cynthia. "I don't need to play next year. I'll have more time to play with Bethany."

Mr Shultz knew this was a lie. Cynthia's room was covered in posters of Carli Lloyd, Alex Morgan and Megan Rapinoe. She was obsessed with the game. 

"Ok. Well, um, we will talk about this again if something changes," lied Shultz.

Trevor just looked at his bar and and took a bite, he didn't say anything.

“You know,” Shultz said, “if you really love soccer and really want to play you can do it professionally. Think about it, how cool would it be to get paid to play a sport your whole life? It’s something you’ll have to want, though. And it’s something you’ll have to work hard for, but it’s something you both could do if you really put your minds to it. We can't afford things right now, but it's not always going to be this way.”

Trevor shuffled in his seat and Cynthia put her arms on the table stretching them out.

"It's ok, dad. I know."

The setting sun amplified the air conditioning casting a chill over the table. The kids finished their desert by picking the dried chocolate off the Dilly Bar sticks with their teeth.

“Well, it’s getting late but I wanted to do something special after your first practice.” Shultz said. “I’m excited to come out and watch you guys start playing. When is your first game?”

“A couple weeks maybe? There’s an app that has the calendar for our team. I’ll show you when we get home.” Trevor stated.

“Oh that’s right. I forgot they have the app now. I bet I have it already on my phone.” Shultz replied.

The three then got up, wiped the table a bit with their napkins, placed them in the garbage bins and left to get in their car.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Chattanooga soccer season gets into full swing.

The reformation of the USL: Competition, sport and the future

This Article Was Part Of The April 1st Collection on The Nutmeg News

The entry of Major League Soccer "B" sides into the United Soccer League (USL) has created a new paradigm for the league and for soccer supporters throughout North America that will only become more pronounced as the seasons continue.

While the creation of affiliate teams is necessary to increase the development of players (specifically for Major League Soccer), the issue with adding "B" sides to a competitive league has lead to bizarre circumstances for a soccer fan. 

While a fan of the Sacramento Republic may be longing for a season championship, his expectations for the league and his team are not the same as someone from Kansas City, who is now looking less towards whether Swope Park Rangers wins and more towards the development of Jimmy Medranda and whether Daniel Salloi is the real deal. 

This ideal of development and the function it can have on a team is a tricky one, because as the results mean less to the Major League Soccer sides that enter affiliate teams in the USL competition, they do expose the idea of the competitive nature of the league. Now, this isn't to say that the affiliate sides from Major League Soccer do not want to win, however the function of an affiliate side isn't to win. The function of an affiliate side is to develop players for the senior team while indoctrinating them into the style, culture, and work expected from a senior team player.

While these general principals are not antithetical to the un-affiliated USL side, it does show the divide between teams set up to be a functioning local professional unaffiliated team and one that is in the service of growing players for an MLS side. This isn't to say that the USL is a sham league, moreso that the USL is complex in a way that a league hasn't been before in the United States and Canada. 

The USL has, seemingly, now staked its claim on being a tier step towards a career in professional soccer and creator of talent. Slowly but surely (even before the MLS affiliate creation) the USL attempted to reshape itself into a league that creates careers.

This creation of career is no longer just the sole domain of the player, but now managers as well are attempting to utilize the USL as a springboard. Marc Dos Santos, just a few months removed from taking the Ottawa Fury to the NASL championship game against the New York Cosmos, resigned his position with the Fury to take a development job at Swope Park Rangers. This move, at one point, would likely be considered a backwards career choice and it may still be in many circles. However it is seen, it now seems that Dos Santos is utilizing the tie of Swope Park Rangers to Sporting Kansas City as a way to increase his standing within North American soccer circles in order to offer his name up to Major League Soccer in the future.

With the formula having shifted in the USL from players on their last legs, or those on the outskirts of the soccer wasteland, or those on their last chance at a career to promising rookies, developmental squads or academy kids that fell out of favor with their international team, this has given league games a different perspective. Now turning into a USL game on youtube means a viewer may get a chance to watch a future player for their senior squad play his first games.

The reformation of the USL is still ongoing, but the results are interesting and well worth tracking going forward. 

Despite acknowledged bribes and corruption, FIFA persists with Qatari World Cup

This Article Was Part Of The April 1st Collection on The Nutmeg News

With the 2022 World Cup in Qatar only six years away, more information from Amnesty International was released recently showing the horrifying working conditions for many of the people employed to build the stadiums and grounds for the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

Please Read the Amnesty International article here:  Abuse Of World Cup Workers Exposed 

As well as the full report here: Amnesty International Document on FIFA 2022 World Cup 

From the CNN report on Amnesty International and the FIFA World Cup 

http://edition.cnn.com/2016/03/30/football/fifa-world-cup-qatar-migrant-worker-abuse-amnesty-international/

Despite the acknowledged bribes, the human rights abuses, the money laundering, and the ethical breaches, FIFA appears to still be forging on towards a Qatar world cup that could only be called one of the great catastrophes in modern football.

The fact that the international organization has turned a blind eye to the cruelty of the enslavement and mistreatment of the migrant workers in Qatar has only increased the ill repute and infamy that has been heaped upon the organization in the wake of the corruption and bribery scandals of Sepp Blatter, Jack Warner, Michel Plantini, and seemingly everyone involved in football on an international scale in the past 10 years.

Yet, despite all this, there is no indication that this condition will force a change of venue for FIFA. Even now, the agency seems to be steamrolling towards a World Cup in 2022 that is being built on the back, life and even deaths of the workers that currently are creating a place for socially awkward Germans and Italian football fans to look for an allowed beer garden.

From Amnesty International

Sadly, likely none of this information will stop many fans from making the trip to Qatar, as the modern fan of the international game will find an excuse to remove the idea of what created the 2022 world cup from their mind. Despite this cynicism, the fan must stand up against the abuse of workers. This especially includes organized groups of fans booking travel. Their money, if spent, will go directly towards the perpetuation of the abuse of these workers. The onus is, as well, on sponsors like Adidas and Coca-Cola to stand against the abuses and call for a change.

This, however, could be called trying to close the barn after the horse has already left. Thousands of people have already died to build the 2022 World Cup. FIFA have known about these human rights abuses for over 5 years and have done nothing. They will likely continue to do nothing.

Formation Drift and NYCFC: Will Vieira Stick Or Move

This Article Was Part Of The April 1st Collection on The Nutmeg News

Starting this season with a new manager in Patrick Vieira, New York City FC (NYCFC) launched an attempt at running a formation not typically seen in Major League Soccer.

Depending upon how you want to count the midfielders, NYC FC have run out a 3-2-4-1 or a 3-5-1 or as NYCFC calls it a 3-2-2-3, and so far the reviews of the system can only be said to be mixed.  While New York City Football Club started off the season with 4-3 win on the road in Chicago, their next two games were a draw against Toronto and a loss at home to Orlando City before playing the Revolution to a 1-1 draw at home.

With the loss at Orlando City we can see the fragility of running the 3-2-2-3/3-2-4-1 with Pirlo and Federico Bravo covering the back three. The issue here is one of the size of the field, combined with the compression of offense to defense and who is covering the zones on the field in transition. As with most teams that play a 3 man back line, the NYCFC defensive formation and defensive coverage varies depending upon how they are setting up to the oncoming attack.

As NYCFC return to defense with Tony Taylor caught up field playing to stretch and Mix Diskerud cutting inside to be the playmaker, the ability to defend the left side of the field is often left to the combination of 36 year old Andrea Pirlo and 21 year old Ronald Matarrita.

As indicated here on the Cyle Larin goal against NYCFC in the 1-0 loss at home...

Caught in transition, NYCFC attempts to get numbers behind the ball, but Pirlo ends up looking like he is trying to defend the ball out left and is beaten to the end line, the ball is sent in and horrifying defending by Josh Saunders and the NYCFC defense ends up with the ball in the net for Cyle Larin. 

Because of the size of the Yankee Stadium field, Vieira uses the ideal of a 3-2-2-3 formation and a press in an attempt to dictate the offensive play as well as interrupting the opposing team, but the issue here is one of defensive solidarity. The league has hardly suffered teams without a defensive identity and currently the NYCFC team defense appears to hinge on whether or not a 36 year old 5 foot 9 Italian can cover at the holding midfielder and fullback position when the offense is caught up field. Vieira will, potentially, have to eventually make a choice about whether he can allow the wing back play to either regress and turn his 3-2-2-3 into the de-facto defensive 5-4-1, or whether playing an attempted regimented 3-2-2-3 is opening up his side to a league in which the ability to transition athletically from one end to the end happens to be a staple of the league.

Major League Soccer is still in the infancy of its tactical nous, but the league has always had a penchant for game stretching players who lack the ability of a critical final touch, people like Dominic Oduro, Robbie Findley, Deshorn Brown, Darren Mattocks or even a player like Steve Zakuani are all players who thrive (or thrived) on getting behind the defense (and also having questionable finishing skill). Now, the issue is whether or not NYCFC has the ability to actually get enough defensive solidarity from the triangle of players they rotate through Pirlo, Mataritta, Bravo, Diskerud, Taylor to cover the fact that Major League Soccer tends to build low cost speed and counter attack teams that seem directly capable of causing NYCFC grief at their space of weakness.  If Pirlo is getting constantly pulled out to defend, the onus falls on Bravo to cover the middle of the field, while the lineup is constantly in flux. You don't buy Pirlo to play emergency fullback.

The idea of playing a "Genius" system in Major League Soccer is so often undone by both the current available talent and the inability to buy the needed talent to run these formations, as well as the grind of the season and methodology of other coaches. It remains to be seen if Vieira can buck the trend and burst forward with success at running a 3-2-2-3 system that seems to potentially expose the weaknesses of his team to some of the strengths that Major League Soccer has.

In the end, the question remains how long will Vieira suffer his lineup before he becomes pragmatic?

Uninformed Man Has Some Comments To Make About US Women Equality Campaign

INTERNET - An uninformed man reportedly has some comments to make about the campaign of the United States women towards equal pay.

"LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY THEY ARE WRONG," Mr David Barrows stated as he began typing a 10 bullet point comment online about how these womens are just totally wrong. 

Despite having done absolutely zero research on the topic, the availability of the internet as his bullhorn has allowed Mr Barrows to comment on a number of topics that he has no actual knowledge about including reproductive rights, women's soccer, women's basketball and the emasculation of men by a secret cabal of hollow earth Amazonian women who look like his ex-wife Deborah.

"This is just another example of why the patriarchy is in decline," stated Mr Barrows to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "Women don't deserve to be paid commensurate with what they earn. Have you ever seen Women's basketball? I haven't but I heard it is just awful. No one cares about women's sports, ever. I make it a point to tell everyone that in every single newspaper column comment section that has reported on this debacle. Despite having not looked any of this information up I'm sure that the men's version of whatever they are complaining about brings in more money. I'm dead certain of that."

Mr Barrows ensured that he covered the full spectrum of commenting including his twitter account, comments on newspaper sites and Facebook. 

"The people must know! Women shouldn't make more money than I make. Their opinion of this somehow threatens something of mine directly, despite me not getting any money from the US Soccer Federation nor being able to articulate exactly why this infuriates me so much. This is about my opinion meaning a lot because I'm a white guy with a lot of time on his hands."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Barrows starts a successful subreddit to complain about Women soccer players in the United States requesting equal money to men.

US Soccer Federation Under Fire For Behavior At Press Conference

CHICAGO - After calling a press conference to speak about the recent wage discrimination complaint filed by five United States players against the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati was reportedly criticized for his bizarre behavior and dress as he came to answer questions.

Hey baby, you know that Sunny G is going to take care of you!

Showing up to the press conference in a purple blazer with a pimp cane, diamond rings, a gold dollar bill pendant and a diamond encrusted 96 medallion made custom for Mr Gulati in reference to the 1996 Women's Olympic Gold Medal, Sunil Gulati spoke to a collection of shocked reporters.

"Baby, I just want to say that you know Sunny G is good for the money," stated Gulati to the collected journalists. "All these ladies need to do is bring in the income, and we decide how to spend it. They better bring in that paper, though."

Mr Gulati then instructed an assistant to turn on Jay Z's "Big Pimpin" as he finished out his interview session.

"Yes, they bring in the money, but they don't know how to spend it. I can't trust a 23 year old woman with money. Shit, I can barely trust Geoff Cameron with a 50% off Nike pass. Those women would just run out and spend it on stuff like real grass or a decent food stipend or appropriate pay for appropriate work or a sexy foam party. They don't need real grass. What they need is for someone with a watchful eye to let them know what they need and to take care of all that money. They don't know how hard it is to be the Federation. WE gotta keep the regulators out of their business, the G-men, the feds, the FIFA. We got people to pay off and we got money to sink into Sum. You know how hard it is to take care of Sum? It's hard. It's totes hard. Let me tell you, It's hard out there for a president."

Reportedly, Mr Gulati then opened up a 1958 Chateau Latour and poured it into a mug with a diamond encrusted logo that stated PREZ on the side.

"All I'm saying is, they bring in the money and we show them the honey, and by the honey I mean uneven and sand filled artificial turf on the 185th friendly since the world cup ended for a mostly filled stadium against a team they will kill 6-0 and then they will be required to attend a 3 hr autograph session afterward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Sunny G calls his next press conference.

Canada And United States Edge Towards Official Football Countries After Frustrations With National Teams Mount

Canada and the United States were announced as having crept slightly closer towards being official football countries after frustrations with their national teams increased.

"As we can see, the acceptance of football in the United States and Canada has moved the doomsday clock even closer to total destruction."

The IAFCC (the International Association Of Football Country Certification) stated that both countries in recent weeks have taken a strong step towards international recognition with their cycle of overrating their national team which is then naturally followed by a loss, followed by passionate anger, depression, asking for the coach to be fired, underrating their team, apathy and then anger.

"We saw a large shift in the way in which these two fanbases moved towards the vicious cycle of supporting a national team," stated director of scientific research and latent Dido fan John Hammond. "One of the foundations of a true footballing nation is the crushing realization that the national team you follow is fundamentally flawed in some major way and the depression that comes along with that. Of course you have exceptions like Germany, but even they have something to be upset about."

While the move towards legitimacy has increased, the IAFCC has stated that both countries have more work to do before they can be considered legitimate.

"Part of the function of many true footballing countries is having so much failure as a country that you would rather watch your club perform than your country. This typically happens until your international squad makes the World Cup semi-final at which point you are allowed to jump on that bandwagon with every jingoistic nationalist bone in your body," stated Mr Hammond. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the IAFCC debates whether the Pie Standard should be applied to both countries as a litmus test for footballing culture.

Area Dickhead Manages To Disagree With Howler Youth Soccer Story In Record Time

Portland, ME - Area Dickhead Kerry Van Dorin managed to disagree in record time with the recent Howler long form story on youth soccer as he furiously scanned the first sentence of the piece and proclaimed emphatically, "I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS" before slamming the magazine on his table to walk out and shotgun a beer.

"I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS, I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN OCTOPUS AND I TAKE OFFENSE AT THE MODERN UNITED STATES SOCCER FAN BEING COMPARED TO AN OCTOPUS OR BEING ASKED TO IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE ONE," ranted Mr Van Dorin to his friends Robbie and Zeke as they loaded up the new water bong that they bought at The Blazin Ace on Friday. "Do I look like an Octopus? NO?! Well you can't boil youth soccer down to an octopus. The problem is too multi-layered and nuanced to be an octopus. I'd just as soon be a squid. You ever see a squid? MAJESTIC AS FUCK. A squid would win the world cup. Maybe someone should ask that Howler and that Parchman dude if they should stop asking kids to imagine they are an octopus and imagine they are a squid. BAM! Instant World Cup."

While Mr. Van Dorin has long had a tendency to flip out in rage fueled profanity laced rants about the state of soccer in the United States, largely he waits until after he reads over half the article before he spouts his inane thoughts. However, friends state that recently he has been working on getting filled with anger earlier, so he doesn't have to finish the piece.

"He only needed to read one sentence in Howler, man" stated friend Robbie Branch. "It's pretty amazing. Like he is really smart about soccer, and I don't even know where he got that. Dude's never played before. All he does is play... um... like FIFA n'shit.... so I don't even know."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Van Dorin's rage as he tries to see if he is still angry at the state of youth soccer by driving by a playground to yell at the formation of 12 year olds on the field.

Landon Donovan Disappointed In United States Win

LOS ANGELES - Landon Donovan, international superstar and greatest United States player of all time... ever, announced that he was disappointed in the United States Men's team win on Tuesday evening.

WHY WONT THEY FIRE HIM!?

"We really had one chance to be rid of that kraut bastard," stated Donovan to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday morning. "I was hoping that the United States would lose so we could finally get rid of Jurgen and I would be proven right in all regards surrounding the United States Men's Team."

While shocking to some outsiders, it should come as no surprise to those that have followed the short cold spell of tension that exists between Donovan and Klinsmann.

"I just want to see him lose, because it will prove that he was wrong. And if he is wrong in general then he is wrong about not taking me to the World Cup. And he was definitely wrong about not taking me to the World Cup. How? HOW COULD HE? I am Landon Donovan. He is definitely wrong. And the next game that he screws up, he should be fired. Hell he should just be fired anyway," ranted Donovan to our reporter. "My shock omission didn't rile people up, my response to the situation didn't rile people, my banner I paid to have flown over the stadium last night didn't rile people up, WAKE UP AMERICA, GEOFF CAMERON AND ABBY WAMBACH ARE RIGHT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan starts pulling for the Mexican national team to knock the United States out of CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying to make his point..

Fence Sitting Reporter Relieved To Be Equally Hated By Pro-Klinsmann And Anti-Klinsmann Groups

CHICAGO - Ralph Eberly, soccer reporter for the Chicago Tribune, admitted that he was relieved to be equally hated by both pro-Klinsmann and anti-Klinsmann groups as he published another column that kept himself firmly in the middle of the swirling argument that surrounds the United States coach.

Publishes USMNT Column, "Let's see what's in my email...... On second thought..."

"I know that when I get feedback from both groups that I am a sellout that I've hit the right note," stated Eberly to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I only have to write an article about the current problems with the US Soccer Federation and the US Men's team, and people will start calling me a shill or a sellout. It's great."

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer fans on both sides of the divide to get their opinion. Our reporters spoke with James Mansfield, organizer of the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page.

"We with the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page want to ensure that the Klinsmann OUT people don't have their way. We are Anti-Klinsmann-OUT and we want reporters to serve the better interests of ensuring that he stays and Sunil Gulati goes. Mr Eberly has staunchly decided to not make himself the story and we find this worrisome. Until he shows his dedication to anti-Klinsmann-OUT narrative we will not be mollified!"

Our reporters than spoke with Tomas Buzcinsky, editor and organizer of the Pro-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page.

"We with the Pro-Klinsmann-OUT Facebook page want to ensure that the Anti-Klinsmann-OUT people don't have their way. We are pro-Klinsmann-OUT and we want reporters to serve the better interests of this great country in ensuring that he goes and Sunil Gulati goes, both at the same time, or perhaps one after the other at some kind elaborate sham ceremony where the tiki idol is revealed to be cursed like that time with Greg Brady. Mr Eberly has staunchly decided to not make himself the story and we find this worrisome. Real reporting is about taking what other people say and giving your opinion even though all you do is file expense reports on time, work late to make deadlines and try to find sleep after turning in an assignment at 1:00 am. Until he shows his dedication to pro-Klinsmann-OUT, WE WILL NOT BE MOLLIFIED."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as we speak to the KlinsmannIN (to USSF but out of the United States coaching job) separatist group on their thoughts.

FC Cincinnati Play-By-Play Commentator To Spend Next Three Weeks Learning How To Pronounce Louisville

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati play by play commentator Tom Gelehrter has announced that he will spend the next three weeks learning how to correctly say Louisville correctly in anticipation of calling the Louisville City versus FC Cincinnati game.

It's Lewis Vil! LOOLYVILLE?! ahhhhh, nevermind.

"I've been told that it isn't pronounced LoooooooeyVeeeel," stated Mr Gelehrter to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "So I've taken it upon myself to hire a diction coach to pronounce it the right way. We've started with general Kentucky vowel sounds and we hope to be ready to go with the pronunciation by the 16th of April."

Reportedly, the general consensus of the pronunciation of Louisville varies depending upon the amount of Yankee one has in their blood, but this isn't stopping a man from Ohio at trying to learn how to state the city.

"I'm already practicing on making that hidden a/uh sound, and I'm going to master this. I've got enough time and by the time it comes around I'm going to be saying Cinacinnati and Ohiuho. It only makes sense that I should take interest in this. As I have always said, there's a lot of Ohio in Louis Ville and it's not just the river," stated Mr Gelehrter with a wink and a knowing nod.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when he pronounces it LoooeyVeel right off the bat.