Portland, ME - Area Dickhead Kerry Van Dorin managed to disagree in record time with the recent Howler long form story on youth soccer as he furiously scanned the first sentence of the piece and proclaimed emphatically, "I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS" before slamming the magazine on his table to walk out and shotgun a beer.
"I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS, I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN OCTOPUS AND I TAKE OFFENSE AT THE MODERN UNITED STATES SOCCER FAN BEING COMPARED TO AN OCTOPUS OR BEING ASKED TO IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE ONE," ranted Mr Van Dorin to his friends Robbie and Zeke as they loaded up the new water bong that they bought at The Blazin Ace on Friday. "Do I look like an Octopus? NO?! Well you can't boil youth soccer down to an octopus. The problem is too multi-layered and nuanced to be an octopus. I'd just as soon be a squid. You ever see a squid? MAJESTIC AS FUCK. A squid would win the world cup. Maybe someone should ask that Howler and that Parchman dude if they should stop asking kids to imagine they are an octopus and imagine they are a squid. BAM! Instant World Cup."
While Mr. Van Dorin has long had a tendency to flip out in rage fueled profanity laced rants about the state of soccer in the United States, largely he waits until after he reads over half the article before he spouts his inane thoughts. However, friends state that recently he has been working on getting filled with anger earlier, so he doesn't have to finish the piece.
"He only needed to read one sentence in Howler, man" stated friend Robbie Branch. "It's pretty amazing. Like he is really smart about soccer, and I don't even know where he got that. Dude's never played before. All he does is play... um... like FIFA n'shit.... so I don't even know."
The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Van Dorin's rage as he tries to see if he is still angry at the state of youth soccer by driving by a playground to yell at the formation of 12 year olds on the field.