Major League Soccer Introduces New League Loyalty Oath And Home Surveillance Program

NEW YORK - In a stunning move, Major League Soccer today announced a new league loyalty oath and home surveillance program called "MLS Cares".

The Nutmeg News spoke to Major League Soccer Security boss Ray Whitworth about the new program and he had the following to say.

"We here with Major League Soccer want our fans to be safe. More importantly than that we want the hordes of fans that attend our games to FEEL safe. We have already implemented a sharp increase in the number of external and internal stadium video recording system, but our new program MLS CARES, will allow us to take that surveillance even further. 

If you agree to let the league video tape you at all times, you will receive a 10% coupon for concessions in the stadium of your choice. You will be required to take a league loyalty oath that states, 'Praise Security. Praise TSA. Praise the League. All hail the mighty invasive pat down that lifts our underwire and tries to find our flask. I will never raise arms against the league. I will never raise flares against the league. I will never raise smoke against the league. No banner shall criticize, no two-stick shall profane. In all matters, the judgment of the league is best, final and appropriate.' It's important for our new middle class fans to feel safe, even if they are surrounded by hoards of fans just waiting to do a Green Street and smash their faces with pint glasses. I've seen it all before, y'know. Elijah Wood. West Ham. I was there. It was awful. The United States and that other country are just a festering suckhole of rebellious thought that must be tamed."

Reportedly, the MLS Cares program will allow full time 24x7 monitoring from your house to your stadium via CCTV in your bedroom, living room and bathroom, and drone coverage from the sky when you leave. This will allow the league to finally feel safe about supporters and increase the adaptation of everyone to new security measures that will reportedly eventually include taking off all your clothes, spreading your cheeks and showing whether or not you have any hidden contraband up there.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Whitworth campaign towards a secure and non-violent Major League Soccer.