Soccer Writer Works All Day On Salient Tactical Point Only To Realize It Is Bullshit

Boston, MA - Soccer writer Brad Yellowbrook spent most of Tuesday coming up with a salient tactical point about the United States Men's team only to realize it was unmitigated bullshit.

I can't believe that I spent all day on this.

Mr. Yellowbrook admitted to The Nutmeg News that he spent all day trying to find a reason why the United States is tactically deficient in certain areas only to accept that he was forcing the facts to fit his viewpoint instead of the other way around.

"I've been watching video all day, looking at photos and I realized that my theory is actually incorrect. I mean, this is a gut punch at a massive level as I already wrote 3,000 words on what is the real reason for the struggles of the United States only to realize that my premise is completely flawed," stated Mr Yellowbrook to our reporter. "I thought about publishing it, but despite what you may think... most people don't want to read 3,000 words of complete bullshit unless it really bashes Klinsmann, so I would have to change my entire premise again to fit the facts that I found."

Mr Yellowbrook stated that he wasn't getting paid to write any of this and that he neglected his day job as a programmer in order to do all this work that has now evaporated due to a failed premise.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Yellowbrook obsesses about his premise, spending most of Wednesday and Thursday thinking about a way in which he could fix this so that he could stop working at his crap job that actually pays his bills.

Abby Wambach Tired Of Those Foreigners Stealing All Those Jobs

During an interview with Bill "I only capitalize on soccer when I'm bored" Simmons, Abby Wambach stated that she would fire United States Men's Coach Jurgen Klinsmann because he brought a bunch of foreigners into the team.

"We need to build a wall of red tape against these foreign fullbacks." - Abby Wambach

"They are taking our men's JOBS!" stated Abby Wambach as she also announced her endorsement of carpet bombing Syria.  "The way that he (Klinsmann) has changed and brought in these foreign guys, it’s just not something that I believe in. We should build a wall of legal red tape to prevent any of those refugees and foreigners from coming into our national teams."

Wambach also stated her support for preventing dual nationals from picking the United States as their team stating, "Check their blood, if they don't bleed 'MURICA then I don't want them in my country. I'm so tired of these damn foreigners coming over and playing midfielder or right back or centerback. It's time that we focus on making America's United States Men's Team great again."

Wambach continued her rant stating, "I am America. I am the United States. I'm from the United States. I don't want that shit coming into our teams and polluting them with their foreign influences. Klinsmann OUT. Fabian Johnson OUT. Jermaine Jones OUT. Darlington Nagbe OUT. Chris Wondolowski OUT, his name just SOUNDS too foreign."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wambach announces her run for the Republican presidential nomination.

Jordan Morris Challenges Don Garber To Golden Contract Fiddle Contest

Stanford, CA - Theoretical US Soccer superstar Jordan Morris has reportedly challenged Don Garber to a Golden Contract fiddle contest for the right to actually control his career if he comes to Major League Soccer.

Even WE think this is harsh.

"Per previous established proviso's, Don must allow me a fiddle contest for the chance to win a Golden Contract," stated Morris through his representation. "This Golden Contract will give me eternal free agency and the ability to go wherever I want for how much money I want in Major League Soccer."

Reportedly Don Garber, "pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.
And a band of US Soccer Federation members joined in and it sounded something like this."

Morris released a statement through his representations, afterward, that stated,

"Chicken's in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no. "

While no one actually understands the folksy wisdom of these words, apparently the words and the music had a dramatic effect on Don Garber who retreated immediately from said fiddle contest to offer Morris a contract.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Morris' career as he plays "Fire on the mountain, run boy run" before flaming out in Europe and returning to Major League Soccer a chastened player who deserves a multi-million dollar contract because he played in the second division of Austria on loan.

Major League Soccer Clarifies Free Agent Rules

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) clarified their new rules on Free Agent acquisitions by releasing a statement after the rules were already vaguely alluded to, accidentally, during a conference call by Peter Vermes

This clarifies EXACTLY how a player may get from one MLS team to another.

"MLS Teams can only sign two free agents, if the players names start with either a J or a T and their birth dates are between December and March. Additionally teams are allowed to sign three free agents if they roll for initiative and their players names have three vowels in them and they are born in the year 1989. However, they will be penalized $20,000 in allocation money if their players are both born in July and have Baltic ancestry and they don't listen to Lithuanian punk band Dogbones. 

MLS teams can, as well, sign four American free agents if they think that the players will at some point go to Europe and flop in the second division somewhere eventually to return as a big name asset despite not scoring a single goal or playing a single minute in the last 16 months. 

In regards to the actual free agents themselves, MLS free agents can only sign for teams that are allowed by Major League Soccer and only if they do so after a campy and unnecessary video parody of The Dating Game hosted by Rachel Bonnetta that is made by Major League Soccer that details how quirky they are and which team that they should belong to, before actually being traded live during the aforementioned stream." 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these rules are announced to be outdated and incorrect in another statement during another random league phonecall in two months.

Sporting Kansas City Sign Justin Mapp And An Injury To Be Named Later

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City announced the signing of midfielder Justin Mapp and disclosed that part of the deal was the inclusion of an injury to be named later.

He's made of water! It all makes sense!

"We thought this was a terrific deal for our team" said Peter Vermes. "It's a two for one deal. Not only do we get Justin Mapp, but we also get the trail of injuries that seem to plague him at nearly every team. While we hope to get Mapp back on track, we also acknowledge the injury proviso that was included on the trade deal. We are hoping to get a great amount of value for him before he misses 2 to 4 months during the 2016 season."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mapp attempts to stay healthy for an entire season.

Man In Supporters Group Reminisces About Golden Time When He Didn't Know Everyone's Crap

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Edward (Eddie) Tomjacz admitted that he has taken to reminiscing about the golden time of his supporting Orlando City before he figured out everyone's problems.

"God, I wish I didn't know that Isaac was leaving his girlfriend because she wouldn't stop telling him to slow down on the booze at games."

Mr Tomjacz spoke to The Nutmeg News on Sunday evening about the issues, "I just wish that I could go back to early 2015 before I found out that Charlene gets drunk and tries to bait people to fight each other and Dwayne is addicted to pain killers because of a previous injury and is using them now to cope with his parents divorce. Back when I first started coming, it felt like we were just one huge unit of faceless people here to support Orlando City and I used to tell my friends about how great it was to find this amazing group of people who were so selfless. However, that was pure naivete on my part. I now know that I just hadn't gotten to know people. The more I started going to games, the more I started to get to know people, and the more I found out all the drama in the group."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Tomjacz's girlfriend Marina Harrison about his recent issues and she had the following to say, "He used to talk about how amazing the support was at the games, and how much fun he had. Then he started to come back from the games complaining about a guy who has bad body odor that loves to hug him, or a guy who quietly says racial slurs behind peoples backs, or the girl who is sleeping with two different guys in the stadium at the same time. I just wish that he could go back to the time when he enjoyed going to the games for the games."

Mr. Tomjacz stated to The Nutmeg News that he is taking a small break from Supporters Group functions including skipping the Christmas Party so that he can go back into the 2016 season refreshed and hopefully forgetting all of the interpersonal drama that can make going to a match so tiresome.

D.C. United Fan Upset That New Badge Design Wasn't A Disaster

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Sam Huzenga admitted on Thursday morning that he was upset that the new D.C. United badge design wasn't a disaster.

If you click this link, you won't go to DC United's website... it goes somewhere else. It WOULD however go to our sponsor, if we had a sponsor, but we don't. I mean, as soon as we can sell out, the better.  This content blurb brought to you by BRAWNDO! 

"I wanted it to be a dumpster fire of epic proportion purely for entertainment reasons," said Huzenga to friends. "Instead the front office and design team did a good enough job to avoid a firestorm. Now I'm out all the jokes I was going to make on twitter and all the drama I was going to stir up about them not understanding the club history."

Huzenga's friends say that they were similarly non-plussed about the logo release stating, "It is neither bad nor great." and "I like it, it's good, I have some corrections but all in all it's perfectly fine."

Mr Huzenga finished his comments by stating, "I love my club and I didn't want them to fail at anything but I needed to be entertained. Now that I don't have this to harp on for the next few months I only have the transfer rumors to keep me entertained til the pre-season games start."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Huzenga realizes he still has the ever developing (for 20 years) stadium debate to continue following.

Transfer Rumor: Colorado Rapids Linked To Inanimate Carbon Rod

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids have been linked to an inanimate carbon rod that was last seen in Argentina at the Boca Juniors v River Plate match on May 15, 2015.

Also in the transfer rumor mill is Half Empty Bottle, with the Columbus Crew putting requests in to talk to the agent of Half Empty Bottle for a loan spell. There are guarantees in this loan provision that he will make the field.

The technical director of the Rapids, Paul Bravo, stated that the Colorado Rapids had a number of different reasons to pursue the inanimate carbon rod. "We felt like this would be a good fit for our organization as The Rod just sits there letting everything else move around it. It also is a great example to players like Kevin Doyle of what can be accomplished by doing very little. We think the pairing of the Inanimate Carbon Rod and Kevin Doyle would be amazing in Major League Soccer."

While most clubs are steering clear of what is clearly just a simple rod with no life whatsoever, the Rapids, with Stan Kroenke at the helm, are desperate to get the Inanimate Carbon Rod on board.

"In Rod we trust," said Pablo Mastroeni as he desperately ripped off The Simpsons for a quip quote. "We absolutely think that we can bring in the Rod at a great price and that it will contribute to our current style of play."

NO......... no, no, no, no, no, no, no........ this has gone all wrong.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the Inanimate Carbon Rod's agent who dismissed all rumors of going to Major League Soccer saying, "We've never heard of the Colorado Rapids. We are in negotiations with Napoli, currently."

Fan Leaves Internet For Five Minutes And Entire League Financial Structure Changes

Des Moines, IA - Linda Hartford stepped away from her computer for five minutes to grab some Kirkland tortilla chips and found out that the entire financial structure of Major League Soccer had changed by the time she got back.

"So when exactly are we going to find out that this happened three years ago and they just announced it now?"

"They are allowing more investment with the targeted allocation money?" said a perplexed Hartford as she frenetically refreshed Twitter, Reddit and her favorite soccer blogs. "I haven't even really begun to fully comprehend how much money all the teams have in the first place for TAM and now they change it again?!"

While Ms Hartford didn't fully understand the changes yet, she did state the following, "At least the league is being consistently inconsistent. Also, at least more teams are going to have money to spend. I can't wait for the Chicago Fire to bring back Nery Castillo. That's going to be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Hartford goes to get coffee and finds out that no teams from the East conference are playing in the east anymore and that road goals now count towards actual financial numbers.

Twenty Six Major League Soccer Players Excited To Announce Their Free Agency Status and Retirement

The Collective Bargaining Agreement of 2015 now allows players to be eligible for free agency after they reach 28 years of age and play in MLS for at least eight years. As of today, twenty six players are now classified as free agents and have also announced their retirement from MLS.

"Back in my day, the Miami Fusion would pay us in nickles and we would have shootouts at the end of games. Now I'm finally a free-agent and ready to retire"

Ned Grabavoy, the 32 year old midfielder for NYCFC sent out a press release saying, “It’s been a great run for me that started way back in 2003. You have to remember that this was a time when George W Bush decided to invade Iraq so there was a lot of tension in the air and watching soccer gave people a chance to set it aside for a bit. Well, it’s been 12 years since then and we’re looking at going back into Iraq again and my knees are absolutely shot.  So it’s time for me to embrace the opportunity and freedom that my free agency provides by retiring and passing the torch to the next player to get run through the MLS trade wringer. Grabavoy out.”

We also spoke with Jon Busch, keeper for the Chicago Fire, to see how he was going to handle this new opportunity free agency provides. “This is going to be huge. We, the players, have been pushing for free agency for years and now we’ve finally got it just in time for me to announce that I’m retiring from MLS before I turn 40 next August. My wife and I have to plan a big party with black streamers and ‘Lordy, lordy, look who's 40’ napkins. It’s going to be amazing, but not as amazing as the ability to negotiate my pay with any team of my choosing that I’ll never actually use. Free Agency is truly the best thing that ever happened to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the MLS Players Union gives back free-agency to get a limited supply of calcium tablets and Werthers Original (to prevent the dry mouth) for their free-agent's to be.

Journalist Who Writes For "Love Of The Game" Dies Of Starvation

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist, podcast, blogger and website curator Dave Richards has passed away after reportedly not eating for the past 5 years while he had absolutely zero money coming in from writing about soccer in the United States.

One day when my column gives me a chance to write for free for a major international brand I'll get a half chance to write for money. Then I can start thinking about top ramen!

"He was always broke" said Richards friend Barbara Leavenworth. "I tried to tell him that passion and interest in reporting soccer isn't going to pay the bills but he wouldn't listen."

Richards apparently sacrificed his own personal life, finances and health in order to report on the game accurately and informatively for the thousands that read his daily columns and listened to his work on line.

"He was the greatest," said Red Bull New York fan Samuel Hawthorne. "The guys at the Post and even the Times wouldn't always delve into such depth that Dave did. The fans out here who remember when both those newspapers wouldn't touch the local game with a 12 foot pole always appreciated him and the fact that he cared. I'm going to miss him, but I just wish that he could have figured out how to actually get paid to do this job so he would still be around."

The Nutmeg News asked a panel of soccer bloggers if they received any compensation to do their work and none of them had enough strength from eating recently to respond.

"I work for the love of the game," said a clearly broke Yancey Thigpen who covers Orlando City soccer. "I live with my parents, write and research for 12 hours a day, listen to online audio to learn the pronunciation of players names that I don't understand, study tactics and sometimes I take jobs at the convenience store around the corner just so I can make some money. I just feel that I am one well placed article with a European blog away from breaking into this industry."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as bloggers realize again and again that the love of the game only will take them so far.

"Both Our Men's And Women's Soccer Teams Will Play On Bad Turf," - US Soccer Federation Mandates Equality

NEW YORK - Sunil Gulati today announced that the US Soccer Federation will mandate equality between the sexes by ensuring that, "Both our men's and women's soccer teams will play on bad turf."

Just imagine the ACL's that can be lost to this.

Gulati had the following to say, "After the complaints by our players for the World Cup Winning United States Women's team (tm), we realized that we weren't giving our Men's team the same opportunity to play on career threatening poorly laid sod and turf. We made it our prerogative to double down on the setup of our women's team to ensure that our men's team hates the games that they are forced to play in order to keep our federation solvent since we haven't taken any world cup bribes, yet."

While the US Soccer Federation is finding a reason to make the games that the United States men play even more difficult to watch, the women of United States soccer have drawn a line in the sand used to fill in bare spots where the turf isn't appropriately nailed down.

"We have become so accustomed to playing on whatever surface is put in front of us, but we need to realize that our protection — our safety — is priority No. 1." - stated the United States women's soccer team.

The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer for a comment on this and they stated, "Haters gonna hate. Our player pool is so deep on the women's side that we will just replace them all. What are they going to do? Depend on the NWSL for their livelihood? They will play on the worst possible turf and they will like it or they can go sit at home."

Glory Hunter From Oklahoma Confused With Leicester City Position

Tulsa, OK - Soccer fan and admitted glory hunter Davis Hansen has admitted that he is very confused by the current position of Leicester City in the Barclay's Premier League. 

"I refuse to support Chelsea if they are just going to sit in 14th all season." - Davis Hansen

"I got into soccer to root for teams that I could watch on television, buy their shirt easily and would win consistently. Right now, I can actually do that with Leicester City but I know that this isn't going to last and it is very confusing."

Mr. Hansen admitted that in the past few years he has collected the team kits and been a fan of Chelsea FC, Manchester City and Manchester United but admitted that he is having a hard time making the transition to supporting Leicester City.

"I'm a glory hunter, not a hipster. I know that Leicester are going to fall off the pace soon and I just want to be in the right position to support the winning team. If I go all in on a Jamie Vardy kit NOW, where will I be at the end of the year? Leicester just need to start losing so I can figure out if this is the year I buy an Aaron Ramsey Arsenal kit."

While Mr. Hansen stated that his fan allegiance is up for grabs, he admitted that keeping up standards is important. "I'm not here to support the underdog. That's for my friend Harry who likes teams like Stoke and Sunderland so that he can feel something in his life in between his 10:00 am doctors appointments and his daughters soccer practice. No, as I stated, I'm not an underdog or a hipster, I support winning teams because I'm a winner. And as soon as I can figure out what that winning team is, I'm all on board."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Hansen tries to rationalize his wife's obsession with Luton Town FC.

Fans With Personalized Kits Remain Terrified Of MLS Offseason

Kansas City, KS - Diana Albertson bought a personalized Paulo Nagamura jersey last season and was found clutching her kit while rocking in her office chair as the Major League Soccer offseason began.

Vintage Paulo

"It cost me $120 dollars," said Ms Albertson. "We can't lose him. Hell, forget 'we' for a second... I can't lose him, I invested this money into a Nagamura kit. I just can't."

While Ms Albertson may have made the mistake of buying a named jersey from a league that trades players around like they are penny stocks, there are signs that she will be protected this season. "Everyone is telling me that Paulo will stay, but seriously. What am I supposed to do when he gets traded? I'm going to keep wearing this kit I tell you. One hundred and twenty dollars... ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS honestly, c'mon."

While Ms. Albertson may feel slightly secure, the same cannot be said of D.C. United fan Jeremy Thorgood who recently purchased a D.C. United home Chris Pontius kit, before the player was traded to Philadelphia.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Thorgood who had the following to say, "WELL, GODDAMMIT"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as your favorite player gets a rumor started about him going to another team in about 4 hours from now.

Crew Fan Excited For Second Leg Of Championship Game

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Frank Broadstreet said that he was very excited for the second leg of the MLS Championship game back in Portland.

"C'mon guys, keep the energy up! We can get them in Portland!" - Frank Broadstreet

"Yes, we didn't perform as well as we wanted at home, but we have the weapons to come back on Portland on the road." said a confused Mr. Broadstreet to his friends.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Broadstreet's wife Carolyn about his statements and she had the following to say, "He really just isn't coping with this very well."

The reality of the situation aside, Mr. Broadstreet spent most of Sunday evening looking at plane fares to Portland, Oregon before calling up friends to see if they were going to make the trip.

"I would love to win at home, but I can't wait to take the MLS Cup in front of their fans," he stated repeatedly as he stared at his computer screen with the television off in his basement.

"I just hope he can come to some kind of acceptance of the situation," said Carolyn Broadstreet. "I don't know how long he is going to look at plane fares down there, but I'm not going to interrupt him until he is finished whimpering at pictures of Kei Kamara and Orbitz discounts. Plus I found a place to stream The Great British Baking Show and that is the only thing taking my mind off the game this weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Broadstreet progresses through the stages of grief.

Timbers Fans Celebrate Despite Knowledge Of Major League Soccer's Standing On A Global Level

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers fans wildly celebrated their championship victory in Major League Soccer on Sunday evening despite a full understanding of Major League Soccer's standing on a global level.

Timbers fans celebrate despite the knowledge of only being a great team in a horrible league. Photo Credit: The Oregonian

"I know that Major League Soccer is not a tier 1 league in the world and that the players within the league wouldn't make the starting lineup at Stoke much less Chelsea, but somehow I feel compelled to actually celebrate this win anyway" said Timbers fan Ron Gregory. 

With celebrations in Portland spilling out to the street, fans everywhere partied on despite the knowledge that their team plays in a really inferior league.

"According to all international and North American media sources I should be sitting at home, not watching MLS, not watching the Timbers, and bemoaning the league as a sham operation that bilks hard working consumers out of their money," said Sandra Ospina "However, my team just won so I feel like celebrating despite these facts that people keep telling me. While everyone everywhere knows that you watch a league because players were really good, make a lot of money, and get great television ratings, this whole cheering for your local team thing has been fun."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the celebrations from Portland as they appropriately dismiss the Timbers and plan a parade for Bournemouth's standard of play in the English Premier League.

National Journalist Quickly Googles Relevant Information Necessary To Cover MLS Cup

Columbus, OH - National journalist Thomas Franz admitted that he has quickly googled the relevant information he needs to accurately cover Major League Soccer's final game this weekend.

"How do you feel about the Aaron Rodgers hail mary pass last night and would you like to show me how you throw a football?"

"I spent about 5 minutes looking up the team names, where they play, their rosters and their coaches before picking up my all access press pass" said Franz to his wife on a quick cell phone call Friday. "I guess they want me to ask some questions during this press release so I'm going to ask the English kid on that one team about how he likes the playoffs."

Franz admitted that he hardly pays attention to the league while it is running during the middle of the season as he stated, "With Baseball, Tennis and Golf it is impossible for me to actually watch soccer games. I catch a few international games and tweet about it, but even then I only watch about 10 minutes before I change the channel. However, my news agency needs some coverage from this weekend and I couldn't get on the NFL beat this weekend, so I guess there are worse things than a free trip to Columbus."

While Franz admits that he is using google to stock his knowledge of the game, there is one thing he admitted he needs no help with, "I'm completely going to interview Crew Cat with some zany media bits about where he likes to eat in Columbus. That'll kill a few minutes and I won't have to use my per diem to buy lunch. I'll see if I can get some of the alumni of the Crewzers to help out and we should be good to go."

CREWZERS!

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Franz when he finally gets his answer to his media day question of, "How does it feel to be in the final?"

Red Bull New York Fan Finally Emerges From Blanket Fort Of Sadness

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) Fan Deryk Hannover finally emerged from his self titled "blanket fort of sadness" after the elimination of Red Bull from the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs on Sunday.

Now fortified with Morrissey poems and red wine!

While poking his head out of a canvas flap Mr. Hannover stated, "I just needed a place to retreat from social media, soccer and the playoffs for a few days and this seemed like the best way to do it."

With a supply list that included a self curated list of lyrics by Morrissey arranged in iambic pentameter, the first season of Reading Rainbow, Roald Dahl's The BFG, and two large jugs of Carlo Rossi Blush, Mr Hannover remained inside his fort for 5 days attempting to find a way to face the day again.

"Things really turned around when I went from Morrissey to Fiona Apple to Nelly Furtado. I'm just going to say that 'I'm like a bird' really got me to a point where I could watch the highlights of Bradley Wright-Phillips from this season," said a trembling Mr. Hannover. "I'm finally understanding the arc of the season and I can enjoy it for what it was. Thankfully I have reached a point in my life where I want to continue on with a normal life rather than stay in the interior of what I call my Fort Of Sadness."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Mr Hannover thought about returning when he checked his twitter feed, but he stayed strong and remained committed to his recovery.

Columbus Sees Influx Of Vegan And Gluten Free Sex Workers For MLS Cup

In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Nutmeg News editors kept the words issued herein verbatim from our interview to reflect the authenticity of the situation in Columbus.. The views of the individuals in this story do not reflect that of The Nutmeg News, its editors and most of its interns.

Columbus, OH - With the Major League Soccer (MLS) Final only days away, the city of Columbus is preparing itself for the thousands of Portland Timbers fans to arrive. As with all major sporting events, prostitution trafficking spikes as pimps shuttle in sex workers from all the neighboring cities to try and meet the rising demand. However, as many pimps are now discovering, Portland residents are more discerning in their tastes and are creating a new twist for the world’s oldest profession.

"Do you or any of your lady friends know about bio-regional separation and secession? 

“We quickly realized we were going to have to change up our game,” stated area pimp Reverend Big Spenda. “You see, we have a customer here with a very unique taste and world conscious mindset. I can’t just open up my stable and send my hoes running willy-nilly into the streets to shake their ass and think that’s going to work like it does with Ohio State fans.”

We asked Reverend Big Spenda how he plans to meet these new demands. “Bitches need education. They need to know how to communicate and connect with these fans on their level. If one of my hoes can name me five craft beers I send her out to prime hotel locations directly. If one can explain what gluten actually is, she’s out on the street on my choice blocks. If one of my women can give me a reason why a water supply shouldn't be fluoridated, she gets the high dollar rate. But if any of my fine ladies is unable to separate trash into the proper bins, well then they get shown the door. Reverend Big Spenda keeps his pimp hand strong, and you best be knowing compost vs garbage, straight truth.”

While some pimps find themselves struggling, others are finding that the influx of Timbers fans fosters the optimal breeding ground for the environmentally conscious pimp looking to boost their profits while reducing their carbon footprint.

“I didn’t know if I could supply what these Timber fans wanted,” says Sugar Dick Man Poppa Large, winner of the 2013 Rust Belt Pimp of the Year contest. “While I’ve got hoes that can lick their own belly-buttons not a single one of them could keep up a conversation on free trade agreements. I decided that I needed to change myself to better understand my customer and better myself. I started by swapping out my ’64 Impala for a hybrid. I made all my girls go vegan. I even tried riding my bike more but it’s nearly impossible in 8-inch platforms. I’m now feel like I’m doing my part to save the planet while my girls are turning tricks and earning $60 for a half-and-half. Dicks up, emissions down.”

Not all area pimps are so quick to change their game. One pimp who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity went on record saying, “Hey, clearly these Portland fools ain’t got no taste or style. Shit, my momma could give them an around the world and they’d switch teams and root against themselves. Motherfuckers don’t even know.”

Man Tries To Figure Out How Many Migrant Workers Have To Die Before He Stops Watching The FIFA World Cup

Topeka, KS - David Lawrence admits that he is the kind of fan that only watches soccer every four years, but even he is concerned about the current conditions in both Russia and Qatar when it comes to the upcoming world cup.

"None of those guys were probably named Steve, so it is like I didn't even know them" - David Lawrence

"I don't know them, so it makes it easier to imagine that this grand spectacle of soccer that I vicariously enjoy from my couch was just put on my magical gnomes," said Lawrence to a close group of friends. "Yes, I know that many people have died and that countless more live in some kind of slavery where their passports are held and they are forced to work for low or non-existent wages, but none of you are going to remember that in 7 years when soccer kicks off in the winter and everyone craps themselves about their national teams" 

Mr Lawrence admitted that he is trying to create some kind of algorithm or acceptable loss amount by which he can enjoy his 2022 Qatar World Cup if perhaps only 1,999 people died building the 2022 Qatar World Cup, but not enjoying the grand exposition if 2,000 people died. 

"Right, but again... likely none of those guys were named John Smith, so how much sympathy can I have for them" - David Lawrence

"The trick is to not imagine the human suffering that is being utilized to put on an event for my entertainment. I'm just trying to figure out how many people have to suffer before my break over point is reached regarding international sport and the FIFA world Cup," stated Mr Lawrence

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Lawrence dons his American flag cape and runs the streets screaming USA-USA.