NEW YORK - Sunil Gulati today announced that the US Soccer Federation will mandate equality between the sexes by ensuring that, "Both our men's and women's soccer teams will play on bad turf."
Gulati had the following to say, "After the complaints by our players for the World Cup Winning United States Women's team (tm), we realized that we weren't giving our Men's team the same opportunity to play on career threatening poorly laid sod and turf. We made it our prerogative to double down on the setup of our women's team to ensure that our men's team hates the games that they are forced to play in order to keep our federation solvent since we haven't taken any world cup bribes, yet."
While the US Soccer Federation is finding a reason to make the games that the United States men play even more difficult to watch, the women of United States soccer have drawn a line in the sand used to fill in bare spots where the turf isn't appropriately nailed down.
"We have become so accustomed to playing on whatever surface is put in front of us, but we need to realize that our protection — our safety — is priority No. 1." - stated the United States women's soccer team.
The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer for a comment on this and they stated, "Haters gonna hate. Our player pool is so deep on the women's side that we will just replace them all. What are they going to do? Depend on the NWSL for their livelihood? They will play on the worst possible turf and they will like it or they can go sit at home."