Major League Soccer Clarifies Free Agent Rules

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) clarified their new rules on Free Agent acquisitions by releasing a statement after the rules were already vaguely alluded to, accidentally, during a conference call by Peter Vermes

 This clarifies EXACTLY how a player may get from one MLS team to another.

This clarifies EXACTLY how a player may get from one MLS team to another.

"MLS Teams can only sign two free agents, if the players names start with either a J or a T and their birth dates are between December and March. Additionally teams are allowed to sign three free agents if they roll for initiative and their players names have three vowels in them and they are born in the year 1989. However, they will be penalized $20,000 in allocation money if their players are both born in July and have Baltic ancestry and they don't listen to Lithuanian punk band Dogbones. 

MLS teams can, as well, sign four American free agents if they think that the players will at some point go to Europe and flop in the second division somewhere eventually to return as a big name asset despite not scoring a single goal or playing a single minute in the last 16 months. 

In regards to the actual free agents themselves, MLS free agents can only sign for teams that are allowed by Major League Soccer and only if they do so after a campy and unnecessary video parody of The Dating Game hosted by Rachel Bonnetta that is made by Major League Soccer that details how quirky they are and which team that they should belong to, before actually being traded live during the aforementioned stream." 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these rules are announced to be outdated and incorrect in another statement during another random league phonecall in two months.