Stanford, CA - Theoretical US Soccer superstar Jordan Morris has reportedly challenged Don Garber to a Golden Contract fiddle contest for the right to actually control his career if he comes to Major League Soccer.
"Per previous established proviso's, Don must allow me a fiddle contest for the chance to win a Golden Contract," stated Morris through his representation. "This Golden Contract will give me eternal free agency and the ability to go wherever I want for how much money I want in Major League Soccer."
Reportedly Don Garber, "pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.
And a band of US Soccer Federation members joined in and it sounded something like this."
Morris released a statement through his representations, afterward, that stated,
"Chicken's in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no. "
While no one actually understands the folksy wisdom of these words, apparently the words and the music had a dramatic effect on Don Garber who retreated immediately from said fiddle contest to offer Morris a contract.
The Nutmeg News will have more on Morris' career as he plays "Fire on the mountain, run boy run" before flaming out in Europe and returning to Major League Soccer a chastened player who deserves a multi-million dollar contract because he played in the second division of Austria on loan.