Transfer Rumor: Colorado Rapids Linked To Inanimate Carbon Rod

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids have been linked to an inanimate carbon rod that was last seen in Argentina at the Boca Juniors v River Plate match on May 15, 2015.

 Also in the transfer rumor mill is Half Empty Bottle, with the Columbus Crew putting requests in to talk to the agent of Half Empty Bottle for a loan spell. There are guarantees in this loan provision that he will make the field.

Also in the transfer rumor mill is Half Empty Bottle, with the Columbus Crew putting requests in to talk to the agent of Half Empty Bottle for a loan spell. There are guarantees in this loan provision that he will make the field.

The technical director of the Rapids, Paul Bravo, stated that the Colorado Rapids had a number of different reasons to pursue the inanimate carbon rod. "We felt like this would be a good fit for our organization as The Rod just sits there letting everything else move around it. It also is a great example to players like Kevin Doyle of what can be accomplished by doing very little. We think the pairing of the Inanimate Carbon Rod and Kevin Doyle would be amazing in Major League Soccer."

While most clubs are steering clear of what is clearly just a simple rod with no life whatsoever, the Rapids, with Stan Kroenke at the helm, are desperate to get the Inanimate Carbon Rod on board.

"In Rod we trust," said Pablo Mastroeni as he desperately ripped off The Simpsons for a quip quote. "We absolutely think that we can bring in the Rod at a great price and that it will contribute to our current style of play."

 NO......... no, no, no, no, no, no, no........ this has gone all wrong.

NO......... no, no, no, no, no, no, no........ this has gone all wrong.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the Inanimate Carbon Rod's agent who dismissed all rumors of going to Major League Soccer saying, "We've never heard of the Colorado Rapids. We are in negotiations with Napoli, currently."