Philadelphia Police Unsure Whether To Prepare For US Open Cup Riots

PHILADELPHIA - Police in Philadelphia are reportedly unsure as to their necessary level of preparedness for the US Open Cup Final on Wednesday Night.

I've already had enough problems with ONE union. I don't need another.

"We here in Philly have some tough fans. Everyone remembers the 2008 riots after the Phillies won the Championship," said Chief of Police Charles H. Ramsey " But honestly I don't even know what a US Open Cup is..... I thought that was a Tennis or Golf event." 

Ramsey admits that if the Eagles were playing in the Superbowl that the team would be increasing city police security to heights not seen before. "Yeah, if the Eagles were playing we would have patrols, blockades and officers ready to go in riot gear. I'll be honest though, I'm not even sure where this Philadelphia team plays. I mean, does anyone actually care enough about soccer to flip a car?"

While Ramsey said that the police aren't preparing complete riot scenarios they are taking measure to protect themselves, just in case.

"We ordered a few surface to air missiles, some tanks, 46 drones, and an anti-aircraft system utilizing the Union game as the justifying reason. So honestly, we may have to deploy a few drones and shoot a few bean bags to make this jive for the accountants."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this after everyone figures out they would need to go to Chester to stop the potential riotous celebrations.

Unknown Ivory Coast Striker Added to MLS "38 Under 38" List

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced the addition of unknown Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba to their 38 Under 38 list.

This young lad is really ready to put himself about.

"The 38 Under 38 list highlights the best young players in our league and fully represents the resplendent future of the United States and Major League Soccer," said president of MLS Mark Abbott. " We feel that our inclusion of the of the best talent in the world at their position on this list will further bolster the case of our league being a top league in about 1 hour and 14 minutes or seven years."

The 38 Under 38 list includes such young talent as Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Andrea Pirlo, and now Didier Drogba who made his debut just six games ago. 

"This unknown Ivory Coast striker came to Major League Soccer from a provincial club in England where he gained experience that readied him for the rigors of this league" said commissioner Don Garber. "He has exploded on the scene in the United States and while he plays for Montreal, no one here will hold it against him that he temporarily lives in the 51st state. Mr Drogba has really shown his passion for the sixth place war is equal to his passion for playing in what the Europeans call 'the champions league final'. We here at Major League Soccer are proud to add him to our illustrious 38 Under 38 list and hope he has another incredible year left in him before he retires to a private island in the Maldives." 

THIS MORON LOVES HIS NIPPLES

San Jose, CA - Mattias Perez Garcia reportedly loves his nipples so much that he got a second yellow card just to show them to the crowd still left in the stands at Avaya Stadium who didn't wander down to the LOBINA and get drunk.

MY NIPPLES! YOU WILL LOVE THEM! YOU WILL HONOR THEM! YOU  WILL BASK IN THE GLORY!

Perez Garcia scored the game winning goal in the 87th minute during the Real Salt Lake and San Jose Earthquakes game but the game winning goal was reportedly not the impetus for him to rip his shirt off and get sent off on a second yellow card.

"I just love my nipples" said Perez Garcia. "I've nicknamed them Pablo and William Jefferson. They are amazing, aren't they? I mean, just look at them, sitting there, looking pretty. Who wouldn't take their shirt off if they had nipples like these. It is absolutely worth getting sent off and having my team play 9 minutes without me in a game that was absolutely necessary for us to win just so that you can all bask in the greatness of my nipples. My teammates say that they are the best they have seen, better than Wondolowski's nipples by far. His are too focused and narrow. Mine are glorious and free and smooth. Dance Pablo, DANCE!" he said as he flexed his chest muscle and fondly gazed at his nipple.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Perez Garcia's nipples as they appear and dance in our head.

Genius Amateur Tactician Admits, "None Of My Tactical Ideas Worked In FIFA"

Orlando, FL - After an all night binge session of playing FIFA 2016, Orlando City blogger David Matthews admitted, "None of my tactical ideas worked at all". 

While Matthews has long opined on tactics for the United States Men's Team and Orlando City, he finally decided to try his long espoused tactical variations that would "Totally Fix Everything" in a computer simulation.

Of course, overlapping wingbacks using midfielders as centerbacks and centerbacks as forwards! It makes complete sense on easy!

"I lost my first game 6-0 and had two players sent off," said a despondent and Cheetos encrusted Matthews. "The next game I lost 4-0, so I thought I was making progress. However, it didn't really seem to make a difference if I ran a 3-5-2 or a 3-4-3 or a 5-4-1, the result was the same. I would lose and lose and lose because of defensive errors on counter attacks or giving up long diagonal crosses that would expose my fullbacks."

While Matthews was flummoxed by the results he, reportedly, was unsure if perhaps he just wasn't any good at playing FIFA and decided to play three back to back seasons. When asked what the result of these seasons were he stated, "I was fired at the end of each one."

When asked what he did next Mr Matthews stated, "I turned the difficulty level down in the game and suddenly my ideas started working again."

While Mr Matthews may have had a temporary dip in confidence due to all of his tactical ideas being bullshit he states, "I've got my confidence back now. Playing at an easier difficulty level in the game makes it easier for me to play my unconventional style that would totally work in Major League Soccer or the Barclay's Premier League if given a chance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Matthews writes a 2000 word essay on tactics after he thrashes his 9 year old brother Bobby.

Journalist Successfully Writes "Pato To MLS" Column Without Using Words "Mountain Of Cocaine"

Journalist Sam Brownbent successfully wrote a 1000 world column on Alexandre Pato going to Major League Soccer without using the phrase, "Mountain Of Cocaine" or referencing euphemisms like "partying" and "enjoys the nightlife".

There's an MLS club in Miami? It's owned by David Beckham? Like South Beach Miami? Like Don Johnson Miami? Excellent.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Mr Brownbent at his house in Worcester, Massachusetts about this achievement. 

"I'm pretty proud of this day and my achievement on this day" said Mr Brownbent "I was struggling throughout the whole column to really find a way to reference his potential character issues and the ways in which this would completely impact Major League Soccer wanting to take a flyer on a player like him. I managed to make it through an entire column without referencing any of that at all. I was able to completely frame the conversation about how his lack of recent success makes him less of a candidate to do well in the league."

While Mr Brownbent did manage to avoid using the words booger sugar and Peruvian marching powder he was unable to avoid using the word potential.

"Yeah, that's the difficult part about Pato, because he is all potential" said Brownbent. "His legacy is one of eternal potential, until he gets to 31, and then it is all missed-potential. While many in the European scene think he has missed having a great career, in MLS terms he is still an infant at 26. He could absolutely be picked up and playing for millions of dollars for a team in Miami in a few years. How well he is playing, though, is the question."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Pato's rumors with MLS as he continues to flit around Brazil on loan.

Major League Soccer Readies 36 More GIF Specialists In Anticipation Of Herrera Hire

NEW YORK - The recent attempt at acquiring Miguel Herrera as head coach of the Chicago Fire has forced Major League Soccer (MLS) to prepare to hire 36 more animated GIF specialists in order to cover the animated coach.

Never known to shy away from shameless self promotion, the league front office recognizes that they have a potential gold mine of overreactions, celebrations and freak outs from Herrera.

"We have one problem" said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "and that is that the Chicago Fire are so bad that Miguel might not have anything to celebrate. Realistically no one wants to watch sad Herrera GIFs but if we have to do that, we will. We are exploring swinging a 'few things' Chicago's way should they decide that he is the coach for them. You know, a little bit of the rub one way or another and a few players in their direction just to make this interesting. We don't want them too dominant but Herrera would be a fantastic watch if the Fire were good offensively and terrible defensively. Don and I will have to talk about making this happen."

Regardless of the team setup for next year, Abbot stated, "we are excited for the opportunity to catch this manic coach in his natural habitat and use this for shameless league promotion. Right now, his antics on the sideline would be more entertaining than 99% of the games Chicago played this season. We hope that it ends as well as our attempt to corral Chelis in Chivas USA from smoking on the sidelines."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we also profit on the possibility of the insanity of Herrera coaching for Chicago.

Creator Of ROCKtober Not Proud Of SCARFtember

Cleveland, OH - The creator of ROCKtober, Larry "RAGING UNCLE" Feldman, is reportedly ashamed of the Major League Soccer promotional idea of SCARFtember.

"When we created ROCKtober, we were reacting to a discriminatory and destitute radio system that would only play Simon and Garfunkel as they sat in coffee shops sipping tea and talking about their Marxist political systems. But we wanted to hear Cheap Trick, Megadeath and White Snake and drink Schlitz and get hammered while working on a plan to buy acid washed jeans." said Feldman while he DJ'd a current up-tempo Christian Contemporary set for WWJD 90.9. 

"....AND WERE BACK!!

WELCOME TO HEZEKIAH IN THE AFTERNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" said Feldman into the microphone, "WITH YOUR BOY PAUL AND THE EPHESIAN! AND NOW SOME CLASSICS FROM PETRA!"

Feldman then continued the interview, "Yeah, what we did back then I'm not that proud of now seeing how much ROCKtober has sold out, but this SCARFtember? It's just awful. This isn't about getting your groove on and seeing Tawny Kitaen gyrating erotically while your bro complains about not being able to watch Donahue. SCARFtember is just about scarves.

There's nothing cool about scarves. Wearing a scarf in anything other than 30 degree weather is not cool. It's hot, why do you wear a scarf? They aren't sexy, they aren't cool, and in some climates its a bit like wearing a fedora with cargo shorts and croc sandals. But hey, I guess anything to make a buck these days. Me? I'm sticking with the original ethos of ROCKtober and that's Beer, Babes and hard edge music like Warrant."

The Nutmeg News will have more on SCARFtember when it tastes so good it makes a grown man cry.

Sepp Blatter Announces Donation To Swiss Attorney Generals Office

ZURICH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced a massive 200 million Euro private donation of his own money to the Swiss Attorney General's Office after the Swiss authorities opened criminal proceedings against the President of FIFA on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as suspicion of misappropriation.

Na na na na na say u wanna fly chick, imma ride or die chick... from the block
Think u could handle this prolly not jus a lil tease and ur heart will stop

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Blatter about the donation and he had the following to say, "This is just my way of showing that regardless of the faulty charges lobbed against me by the intellectuals and morally bankrupt west, that I still love our local government. I'm hoping that all my charitable *cough* donations over the years will mask my reckless financial misappropriation so that the attorney general will see fit to drop all the charges against me."

When asked whether or not he considers his donation a bribe, Blatter stated, "My good boy, don't you understand that I'm merely giving them hundreds of millions of Euros with no intention of receiving anything in return. There's absolutely nothing untoward about donating hundreds of millions of euros to someone and just waiting for the generosity of the world to extricate you from this situation. It's like when we built my fortress on the hill above Berchtesgaden, but... well.. you wouldn't know about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter as he turns slowly like a roast pig at a luau.

Rec League Roundup: Your Coach On Your New Team Wants To Play A 3-4-3 With An Offside Trap

Well, it's true. Your coach on that team you joined because you wanted to gain some fitness and lose some weight this fall wants to play a 3-4-3 with an offside trap in a rec league more renowned for having players that passed out drunk in the sun while the game is going on than actual decent play.

"GUYS, WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS PLAY SOME REAL BEAUTIFUL FOOTBALL", he screams at you as you limber up, trying desperately to shake 10 years of inactivity from your bones.

I TOLD YOU TO SHOW FOR THE BALL AND THEN PEEL OFF TO PLAY A ONE-TWO WITH THE FULLBACK! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!

"Back when I was on the bench as an equipment manager for U-Conn... That's D-1 folks... We played this system and I watched the boys take it to the quarterfinals of a local tournament" he says before setting out cones in a pattern for you to run and yelling at two guys who showed up 45 minutes late because they are thinking about quitting before you play even one game this season.

"This team is going to play some real beautiful stuff" he repeats as you realize he isn't even dressed to go out on the field.

"That's right, I blew out my ACL during a slide tackle to save a goal and my job working as a temp for Wal-Mart doesn't cover the insurance to get it fixed. Don't worry, I'll be available if I need to go out there, I've got a brace."

While you know that only 20 minutes into the season that your team is going to abandon this gameplan because the league referees are so awful that they can't tell whether you are playing someone onside or not and all your centerbacks are so old and slow that they can't track back fast enough to cover the 19 year old kids you are playing against which will lead to your team being down 6-0 in the first half, you still go through the motions to appease him because most of the team doesn't know each other well enough to call bullshit on him yet.

"Goddamit larry I told you to RUN!" he screams as you consider again why you signed up for this experience.

How many times do I have to illustrate this for you guys. We are going to attack here and then take them out of position! Memorize this! GOD!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you shift to a 3-5-1 with wingback play, because "that 3-4-3 was too ambitious and complicated for you guys to start with."

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Real Salt Lake

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle, and Real Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Real Salt Lake

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Seattle

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men and women involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle and Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

The Sixth Place War: Seattle

Letters From The Sixth Place War: San Jose

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: San Jose

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Portland Timbers

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Portland

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: 10 Years Of Releasing MLSPU Salary Numbers And 10 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 10 years now. 

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

C.R.E.A.M. -- is invalid because you don't know the real costs and how much people are making. All I can tell you is that your estimates of how MUCH cash rules everything around me are way off base. Completely wrong. NO, I WONT TELL YOU BY HOW MUCH. 

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 10 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.

With Only A Handful Of Home Games Left, Fans Prepare For Life Without MLS Games

The prospect of the ending of the Major League Soccer (MLS) season has shocked and galvanized fans of teams league wide into the realization that they only have a few home games left. For teams without a playoff game, this means the end of the season is upcoming quickly.

"I suppose I'll have to see my husband on the weekends again," said Union fan Betheny Sterrill. "He's not a soccer fan and we use this time as a nice escape from our regular lives. However, I'm not sure what that is going to be like when we actually have to have a conversation on the weekend. Fortunately, he has the Eagles and I like to knit and obsess about Getafe during the Union's off season so we won't have to have any awkward conversations until the few months between the Superbowl and the start of the Philadelphia Union pre-season."

The glue factory beckons....... Or at least just hanging up the mask for another year.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Derek Blick from the southwest side of Chicago about the ending of the Fire season.

"Thank fucking Christ. Wait... can I say that? Well, I don't care. I'm just happy that this horrible experiment is over, Yallop is fired and the end of the season is nigh. Oh sure, I'm going to miss seeing every one in the Harlem End, but honestly... we could all do with hanging out together in a way that doesn't turn into a raging alcoholic loss commiseration party and anti-Hauptman rally. This time away from the game will do all of us good, just to shake the poison out of our veins that the front office and boys on the field ladled into our bodies with vigor during 2015."

While Chicago fans are happy about the end of the season, Columbus Crew fans are looking forward to an exciting post season. 

"Two home games left, hanging out at second place in the east, our team really coming together... this is a great time." said Crew fan Dale Wisterman "I'm feeling optimistic because we aren't just trying to back into the playoffs but I honestly can feel that we can do some damage there. Kei has been amazing for us and Ethan and Pipa. After all the struggles of the previous years, this one has just been incredibly cathartic. My wife and my relationship has been better than ever, she is enjoying going to the games again, as we all are. I swear that even my kids are smiling more. Life is good."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Colorado Rapids fan Anthony Edwards about the end of the season.

"Is it over yet? I want to be free. I want to stop caring. I just want it to end. Please, just let this end. I'm not going to the last game, I'm just not. I probably will, but I don't want to go. Honestly, the only reason I feel like going is that I already paid for my tickets so I might as well see how deep the rabbit hole of crap goes. But no, lets just end this season and move on to Pablo and the new offensive coach. It couldn't possibly be more offensive than this year because this year was offensive to anyone who loves the beautiful game. I just need a freaking break. Thanks, Rapids."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as everyone realizes that they only have two or three home games left in the season.

New York Fans Unsure What To Do With Surging Optimism

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) fans are reportedly unsure what to do with their surging optimism after their 2-0 win over the Portland Timbers on Sunday.

"We are in the running for the Supporters Shield, again. We already booked a playoff spot, again. We took down a western conference team on the road. I don't even know what to do with myself!" said 20 year fan of the Metrostars and RBNY, Steven Kotby. "I'm going to launch all my old Petke memorabilia off the top of the Empire State Building or something. Well, no... I'm not going to do that at all, but WHAT A FEELING."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Red Bull fan Penelope Johnston about her burgeoning hope. "This is just amazing, honestly. To go from the raucous town hall meeting and the angst over the firing of Mike Petke, to beating Portland in their own house and claiming the top of the East again while booking our step into the playoffs, this season has been one enjoyable ride. I mean I think back over the season with all the games we have watched and all the play we have enjoyed. This has just been an incredible turnaround. WHAT DO WE DO?!"

That's not a sweater vest!

While most Red Bull Fans are finding the silver lining,p a few long term fans accustomed to the heartbreak that the team provides are still cautioning against delirium.

"The supporter shield is shit. We just want the cup. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and all get crushed when Metro gets killed by New England in the playoffs and we fire Jesse Marsch for not being able to get us all the way there. We are still in for the same ride, and there is nothing short of an MLS cup victory that will convince me otherwise," said Tom Benson of Newark, NJ.

"All these new fans don't understand the wave of unrelenting despair that is coming straight for their face. That wave we call the Major League Soccer playoffs where shit teams like the Colorado Rapids somehow manage to find their way to a cup win. Despair is coming, as well. Enjoy it while you can. I'm going outside to smoke."

While the dissenting opinions still live, most Red Bull New York fans are trying to deal with the massive amounts of optimism that are swelling within the undercarriage of the New York Is Red crowd.

"I can't handle this. Please start losing or at least playing poorly so that it validates my hardscrabble fanhood and I can get back to drinking and yelling things in frustration at the television. This is just nuts!" yelled Wesley Godot before he cartwheeled in the street before his 1 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. "This is just rediculous. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!"

Learn Basic Skills With Matias Perez-Garcia And Tom Emanski's New Series "Soccer Diving Fundamentals"

San Jose, CA - Matias Perez-Garcia has announced a partnership with legendary Baseball fundamentals teacher Tom Emanski to create a video series that highlights the correct way to dive on the soccer field. 

Perez-Garcia stated, "We wanted to show Americans, Canadians and Mexicans the new and revolutionary techniques for diving in order to give them a strong edge in their games. I start out by showing my most recent technique against the Montreal Impact."

Here we see Perez-Garcia showing the correct way to non-initiate initiate contact. However, this is only the beginning of his lesson.

"We must ensure that you not only go over, but that you communicate the theatrical ability with your next move. The referee must know that you have been fouled as well."

What we see here is the addition of theatrics to make it look like you were gunned down by a sniper while having your foot amputated by a bear trap.

Perez-Garcia and Emanski say, in their press release, that too often they can see players who haven't been taught the correct way to dive and that there needs to be a standardization of basic skills that enhance the diving process.

"We all need to learn the correct way to go down like Ted Haggard" said Perez-Garcia, "It is important to learn that we aren't just talking about falling but acting and theatrics. That is where my new instructional videos will come in. You can start your subscription to the Matias Perez-Garcia and Tom Emanski Soccer Diving Fundamentals which include two new videos 'Dive Like An Amateur' and 'Dive Like A Professional' for only $19.95 a tape."

Timbers Fans: Here Are Some Terrible Reasons Why You Should Be Excited That Darlington Nagbe Is Going To Spend More Time Away From Your Team!

With the recent Hub-Bub about Darlington Nagbe's eligibility for the United States, The Nutmeg News sat down and created a list of terrible reasons why Timbers fans should be totally excited that they will potentially see less of Darlington Nagbe for the Timbers in the future.

Enjoy college while you can!

#1 It will give you, Timbers fans, more time to get ready for the grieving process when your ownership sells him for a boatload of money that they will use on a washing machine and the rights to a 13 year old winger from Suriname.

#2 It will allow Jurgen Klinsmann time to develop.... an opinion about Nagbe's inability to play with his left foot.

In this picture, the only body parts Darlington Nagbe uses to touch a ball.

#3 It will allow Darlington Nagbe a more diversified opportunity to be isolated in the midfield with forwards that can't score.

Ball goes IN the net, Timbers.

#4 It will allow Darlington Nagbe the opportunity to really compete for that fullback position that he covets in Klinsmann's system.

#5 It will expose Darlington Nagbe to the rigors of international jet lag combined with raising a family via skype, a component that has long been missing from his game.

So be excited for that United States call up, Timbers fans. You have earned it!

Senators Fan Admits, "If The Ottawa Fury Keep Winning, I'm Going To Have To Learn Something About Them"

OTTAWA - Senators fan Stephen St. Clair has admitted that if the Ottawa Fury continue winning in the North American Soccer League (NASL) that he might actually have to learn something about the team.

"Yeah, look I was ready to ignore them. Honestly, I was ready to talk crap about them and tell my friends to ignore the team. However, now they are winning. I think they have only lost once in 12 games. That's pretty incredible. I mean it's getting to the point where I'm going to have to talk about them with my friends and I don't know anything about the team. I mean seriously though, who plays a split schedule. What the hell is going on there?"

Did you know that Pele played for the Cosmos? DID YOU KNOW? DID. YOU. KNOW. #EatSubway

St. Clair stated that while he isn't going to take valuable time away from intricately obsessing about whether Milan Michalek is going to move up to the third line for the Senators, he will start glancing from time to time at the table and look up the wikipedia page for the team.

"Hockey isn't back until October, so I have some time in between then and now. I just need some help understanding who the hell is on this team and whether I should go all in with my obsessions and buy all their gear or give up on them early."

While St. Clair is having this dilemma, The Nutmeg News reached out to local soccer analysts to see if he should be bullish or bearish with his support. 

"Well, if I was going all in on Ottawa right now I would short on their future" said local Sports Bandwagon analyst Roger Gregor.

"They are about to lose their head coach to Major League Soccer after the season and will likely spin into a circle of destruction. In short, short the future bandwagon approach, go medium on the gear, but definitely get involved with some generics like talking about Paulo Junior."

Brek Shea To Consider Changing Name To "Deez Nuts"

Orlando, FL - Soccer player, painter and connoisseur of Stoke-on-Trent history, Brek Shea, has announced that he is considering a "Chad Ochocinco" name change to Deez Nuts in an effort to re-brand and rebuild his soccer career.

"I noticed during the recent presidential election that there was a significant groundswell of support for Deez Nuts and I knew that I could capitalize on this. Imagine thousands of kids in the Orlando stands with freshly minted Deez Nuts OCSC kits. Imagine people in the stands singing, 'Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTS' when I score a goal. This is a really amazing chance to start over, start fresh and build myself the kind of career I can be proud of.

Imagine all the people....... singing Deez Nuts to me.... oh ooooh oh oh.... You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one.

While Shea admits that this is a controversial idea that may lose him some sponsorship's he says that he will be able to make it up with new more youth oriented sponsors in the future.

"We are in conversations with the WWE for some kind of wrestling tie in, with the Waffle House and with NASCAR. We are also in contact with Truck Nutz, the ultimate truck accessory, to have a Deez Nuts/Brek Shea analog to hang on the back of your truck. Imagine THOSE possibilities, especially financially. All these sponsors have indicated that they would be interested in giving us money if I change my name to Deez Nuts. Just wait for it! Deez Nuts in your GOALMOUTH!"

Imagine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it slowly happens.