American Outlaws Leaders to Noah Davis, "Why Do You Hate America, Bro?"

Lincoln, NE - After the publication of Noah Davis' expose into the American Outlaws (which you can find here) the Lincoln, Nebraska headquartered US Supporters group released the following statement.

"Hey Noah-Dog,

Why do you hate America (the greatest country on the face of the planet), bro? Bro's don't rat on bros, bro. Like if I wanted to go over there to that dope chica and hit all up on that sweet punani, a true bro wouldn't cock-block me. Why you gotta cock-block us from loving all up on the greatest country on the face of the planet, the United States of America (the greatest country on the face of the planet). It is our right to make sure that all those immigrants know that when they come to the US, that they can only love the US. Look,  the fact that my grandpa came over from Denmark over 70 years ago clearly makes me feel far superior to the Mexican kid whose dad tried to come over to the USA (USA USA USA) 20 years ago.

So what if we encourage extreme, near comatose levels of drinkings from our membership before games. So what if no one knows where the money goes from their membership, scarves and travel packages. So what if we used to sing racist songs at Mexican fans before other fans called us out on the fact that they existed. So what that despite the fact that we have a "code of conduct" the way in which we set up our events will almost certainly make it probable that our red, white and blue covered fratboys will violate our code of conduct in every measurable fashion. Look it's our right to make bombastic jingoistic statements about this country.

And that story from that chic? Pfft, Whatever bro. Look, everyone knows that females don't know anything about soccer. That's why when we actually DO attend US Women's games we had members singing about which members of the US Women's team they wanted to bone. You know, for the love of our country, bro.

American Outlaws (greatest supporters group in the greatest nation on the planet) are still going strong. We are partnering not only with local chapters but we are starting a new initiative set into motion by a prospective member Tyler Goodbody from Norman, Oklahoma. We will be partnering with local fraternities to attempt to bring more of the Greek culture to our ranks. While a previous partnership  has now very recently (and unfortunately) fallen through, we can announce our partnership with AO Phi Lamda Chi at the University of Oklahoma and AO Sigma Phi Epsilon at the University of Nebraska.

We are also proud to announce AO SPRINGBREAK CANCUN 2016 with travel packages available for pre-order! GET YOUR DRINK ON. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP. Meet 100's of beautiful betties and get your swerve on! Sponsored by Axe Body Spray and Slippery Pete's Strip Club of Cancun!

To end,

Be a bro, bro.

America

Fuck Yeah."

The Nutmeg News was unable to get comment from the University of Oklahoma regarding the partnership with Phi Lambda Chi.

Editor UPDATE:

The Nutmeg News was able to receive a response from AO Phoenix who recently posted a diatribe about the Davis story insinuating that the story was a communist plot.

The response by AO Phoenix was:

TNN will have more on this as it develops.

Cuban Cosmos Fans Get Ready For Visit

Havana, CU - Cuban fans of the New York Cosmos are prepared to welcome Pele and the New York Cosmos to Cuba as the island prepares for the Cosmos visit in June to play the Cuban national team.

"We are very ready to see the great masters of United States soccer at work", said Pedro Garces, Cuban Director Of Sport. "Our last club visitor was the Chicago Sting in 1978, and the Cosmos were at the pinnacle of United States soccer at that time. We are excited to welcome the biggest club team in the biggest league to Havana."

Unaware of the death of the NASL, the move to MLS and the retirement of all the NASL Legends Mr Garces soldiered on in his comments, "We are excited to see what the free market enterprise of North America has brought in terms of league stature and players. We are certain that it will be the best of what the United States and even the world has to offer. One can only imagine what has changed and improved in 37 years."

When told about the league structure of Major League Soccer, the demise of the NASL, and the Cosmos place in history Mr Garces said, "You haven't even gone communist with this new league, you have just gone crazy! But it would help me again if you could explain this Allocation money?"

Woman Determined To Show Support For Her Timbers Infects 1000s With Flu

Portland, OR - Gennifer Rodriguez was reportedly so determined to "support her boys" and "be there for the club" that she rallied to go to the recent Timbers v Real Salt Lake Game despite a pretty severe flu. "Well, I knew that I needed to be there, I needed to show that I was stuck in and I felt good enough after a few drinks to make myself convinced that I could make it through the game", said Ms Rodriguez.

Thousands of fans in Portland that were in the vicinity of Ms Rodriguez reported flu like symptoms that developed into fever and debilitating body aches over the course of the next 4 days. 

As the supporters section known as the Timbers Army is general admission, Ms. Rodriguez wandered among all the sections to visit all of her friends. She gave them hugs and even shared a few beers with them.

"I don't care how many people I infect, I'm going to be there for my Timbers. Even if I infect the entire Timbers Army, I'm going to be there for my Timbers. Even if I end up with Bronchitis and end up in the hospital, I'll be there for the Timbers", said Ms Rodriguez.

Record Hangovers Begin To Fade, Fans Return To Anticipating Next Matches

New York, NY - A severe upturn in hangover levels gripped the nation Monday after the MLS first kick weekend, and fans are starting to feel the effects finally fade and are beginning to ponder a return to alcohol consumption this upcoming weekend.

Hangover analyst Scott Fletcher met with TNN to discuss the weekends events and provide commentary on the data his company had collected. “We had a perfect storm that resulted in a massive sobriety deficit followed by one of the worst hangover downturns we’ve ever seen. Fans knew that it was MLS opening weekend and knew it was Daylight Savings but somehow they didn’t factor in the ramifications of combining the two. In addition many parts of the country were experiencing unusually warm weather which we found created a spike in the day-drinking markets. All of our leading hangover indicators showed that a drastic crash was going to occur but we just didn’t pay attention.”

Fans took to social media on Monday and began to announce their displeasure at the resulting cataclysm and announced their plans to give up drinking altogether. “I had my social media team working day and night,“ Fletcher continues, “and they were finding a surprisingly high amount of keywords and hashtags pointing to ‘shit faced’ on Saturday and Sunday with a huge increase of ‘feeling like shit’ on Monday. We also saw data showing users abstaining from soccer related news and sites on Monday and we even began to pick up on chatter about fans being done with soccer in general and not really seeing the fun in it anymore.”

While the Monday crash was indeed one of the worst on record  Fletcher and his team began to see the effects from the crash almost all but alleviated on Tuesday morning. “We’re now seeing fans already starting to come back around and make jokes about drinking again. While these humorous messages usually have disparaging replies the messages are favorited and retweeted indicating that we can most likely predict another surge in inebriation levels again this coming weekend. Our prediction is that people will swear that they are going to take it easy and not over do it like last weekend but after a couple days have passed and we enter the weekend things will return to normal.”

FC Dallas Blogger Bases Entire Self Worth Around Blogging

Dallas, TX - Writer, blogger and account manager for Frito Lay, Sam Denison, has reportedly become more and more wrapped up in blogging as an identity, according to friends. 

"All he does is write about the team. I mean it isn't like he actually gets paid to do it", said ex-girlfriend Teresa Bain.  "One day he got to write for the SB Nation blog 'Big D Soccer' and then the next day he was talking about interchanging 6's and 4's and which possession statics were relevant."

We spoke with Denison's friend Robert Whitner who had the following to say, "We used to go to games and drink a beer and cheer for our favorite players and boo the guys we didn't like. Now he has a tick mark notepad with certain statistical variables that he marks off for specific moments in the game. He said that cheering for Dallas would betray his impartiality. He has recently even started to lobby to get up in the reporters booth, and he ditched me at the end of the game so he could go interview a 4th string center back from Paraguay that the team was trialing." 

TNN managed to speak to Mr. Denison about these accusations, "Well, I feel like my voice needs to be heard. What I have to say is important. I got 10 re-tweets on a recent story about statistical evidence of backpassing in the modern game as it relates to Dallas teams, but not as it relates to the Sidekicks. I mean this is only a first step for me as a writer. As soon as I get access to the sideline and the booth, then I'll be able to get on with Major League Soccer's official website and I'll never have to write anything critical again."

When asked about the negative effect this has on his relationships with his friends Mr. Denison had the following to say, "If they loved me, they would read my esoteric 3000 word piece on long ball passing and how effective it is as it relates to the modern game, totaalvoetbal, and Rinus Michels in 1965."

Clint Dempsey Ritualistically Bathing In The Blood Of BAAL

Nacogdoches, TX - As was revealed on the broadcast of New England Revolution v Seattle Sounders, Clint Dempsey took some time this winter to hunt down and ritualistically slaughter hogs in Texas. The Nutmeg News was able to locate his guide service and speak to them on the condition of anonymity.

"Look, we get a lot of clients here. People that want to kill for the sport, people that want to kill because they think they will eat the meat, people that even want to help control the hog population, however we have never had a person show up like Dempsey until the day he walked across our threshold.", said the anonymous guide for Texas Hog Hunting LLC. 

"He came in completely shirtless with two Bowie knives, one in each hand, and a bandana around his head and he wanted to be left alone. When we tried to convince him that he needed a guide he said that a guide could come, but could not speak. He then proceeded to run around on foot, until he repeatedly stabbed a hog screaming 'YOU MADE THIS HAPPEN, KLINSMANN'. He then dipped his fingers into the running rivers of hog blood, smeared it across his face in a pattern of camouflage and yelled 'THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND. BAAL WILL RISE AGAIN' before vanishing into the underbrush. It took us four days to track him down and get him to come out of cave that he found."

Reports from neighboring counties indicate that people could hear a splitting howl while Dempsey had vanished on the hog hunt. Parents in the area reportedly told their children "go to bed, or Dempsey will gut you like he did that hog!"

TNN will have more on the ritualistic slaughter of pig parts by Clint Dempsey as it happens.

Red Bull Supporter Ready For Season Despite Doctor’s Concerns

Harrison, NJ - New York Red Bull supporter Chet Fitzgerald is ready to give his all this year in support of his team despite stern warnings from his doctor that he refrain from doing so.

“Red Bulls have a big year this year.” Fitzgerald says. “We’ve got NYCFC to compete with now so we have to prove that us soccer fans over here in Jersey are the best fans in all of New York. The only way I’m going to be able to keep my energy up and go full out is to keep hammering down beers the whole game like I’ve done every game. I owe it to this club to give my all and my all doesn’t show up until after the fourth beer.”

He went on to discuss his drinking strategy. “I like to take a break from drinking right after the Superbowl and will only have like four or five Yuenglings a day in order to give my body and liver some time to rest. Near the end of February I start to throw in some Jagerbombs every now and then which is my version of interval training. By early March I’m able to down six shots of Jack and then drink six beers in ninety minutes, which is exactly how it goes down on game day.”

TNN spoke with Fitzgerald’s doctor, Dr. Peter Ambrose, who informed us of his concerns. “Chet needs a liver transplant.” After presenting Dr. Ambrose with Fitzgerald's drinking strategy he had the following to say, “With this kind of dedication to his team I won’t put him on a transplant waiting list any time soon as I need him to go a month without drinking. The only time I’ve seen him sober was after last year’s game against DC United when he was being treated for severe alcohol poisoning and was unconscious and in a near comatose state. The strangest thing was that he wouldn’t stop chanting or singing even though his EEG readings were at near brain-death levels. While I can’t condone this abuse he heaps upon himself I have to admit that I’ve never seen anything like this before and it seems that his fandom stems from sub-consciousness levels.”

When asked about his doctor's concern Fitzgerald said, “No. There’s no way I’m quitting. I owe it to my Bulls to give them my all on game day. They are down there giving everything they have physically and the very least I can do in response is give everything I physically have. I’m not letting something stupid like liver failure stop me from singing the boys on to victory.”

TNN asked Fitzgerald to comment on his bloodshot and jaundiced-yellow eyes. “I’m red and yellow through and through. You’re just seeing into my soul.“

Deciphering The Start To The Season

It can be difficult to decipher the start to the MLS Season, but have no fear. The Nutmeg News is here to illuminate what you should be feeling right now after only one game in the season. We convened a panel of experts from prestigious universities in the Ural Mountains to coalesce a game plan for the modern fan as they go through the season.

IF YOUR TEAM WON

You clearly have the best fans in the league, the best team in the league, the best players in the league, and the best coach in the league. This is probably of all time as well, because your win was that dominant. Nothing will ever change your dominance and all your games will be this easy going forward. Your bloggers had an easy time deciphering the game plan and your fan base is buoyed by this performance. 

PREDICTION: Start booking MLS Cup right now. Your team will finish the season undefeated. Start talking about "the quad trophy win" incessantly.

IF YOUR TEAM DREW

You team likely played decently for portions of the game but the excuse used for not winning is one or all of the below

1. Unlucky
2. Conspired Against By The Referees
3. Injured
4. Not Entirely Sure What They Were Doing/New System
5. Hot Keeper
6. Shit Field/Conditions

Which prevented your team from getting the full three points. This game was probably difficult to break down because of the nuance that comes from either two bad teams, two good evenly matched teams, or two teams with a ton of rust throughout their system. Nearly everyone will spin the draw (as it is the first game) as a positive though because you didn't lose, except for that old crotchety guy who was seen too many draws and wants you to know that this season is lost. Remember to use the following formula when complaining on twitter "We were unlucky to not get three points because of XXX"

PREDICTION: You might make the playoffs but it is an uphill battle. Every game is now important. Start talking about how you just need a few more pieces to compete.

IF YOUR TEAM LOST

Everything sucks, your team sucks, that player who gave up the goal sucks, your team is going to lose every single game this season, and you are going to do so by giving up simplistic goals. You don't know what happened to that high priced acquisition, but he was terrible and your bloggers are either trying to spin dog turds into gold or are hailing the end of days by supping on the blood of the innocent.

It is likely that a blogger or reporter wrote "It looks like it is going to be a long season if TEAM X doesn't fix PROBLEM Y" 

PREDICTION: Start booking your trip to the bar for consolation drinks and bathe yourself in the remembrance of success long since past. This season will likely be a death march that involves allegations of intra-squad issues and your coach being fired with 10 games left in the season.

TNN Fan Spotlight: Dolores Stephens

Orlando, FL - TNN Fan Spotlight for the week of March 9th, 2015 is Orlando City Fan Dolores Stephens who managed to somehow irritate everyone within a 5 foot radius of her on Sunday after telling mass groups of people "Think About The Children" and "God didn't give you a tongue for profanities" when they started swearing. 

"Why won't they think of the CHILDREN" said Stephens, despite somehow forgetting her own child in the crowd and having to go to guest services to meet up with little Billie Stephens who is, reportedly, scarred for life and will now display really crazy behavioral patterns when it comes to trust issues in his future relationships.

For the TNN Spotlight, Mrs Stephens won a two day gift certificate to the NEW International House Of Pancakes and, by her own choice, a three day cruise on the new Benny Hinn boat "Other Peoples Money".

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-2-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 2nd, 2015.

In response to "Quien Es Mas Macho'" (a joke so obscure that we were forced to show youtube videos of the original skit to our intern staff) the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 60% of the vote, the majority of you said 

Diego Valeri In The Rain Reciting Poetry

As well, a tie between a Federico Higuain Youtube Video Set To Slowjams and Don Garber Hair Piece Made Out Of Shredded Bits Of SUM Financial Statements and Allocation Money of course only proves that no one in Major League Soccer loves Cubo Torres or Javier Morales.

Miniature Soccer Ball Aggressively Caught At Game Relegated To Dog Toy

Houston, TX - 42 year old Wade Tatum was one of twelve fans at the Houston Dynamo preseason match to catch a miniature replica of a Dynamo soccer ball. Upon returning home he presented it to his son who in turn presented it to the family dog.

“One of the players started walking in the direction of our section, “ Wade says, “but I can’t remember who it was or what section I was in as we got the tickets from some Groupon thing at my work and I don’t really follow soccer. Anyway, I could tell that this player was going to kick it our way so I said to my wife, ‘Caroline, hold my beers; I’m getting that ball.’ I’m five-eleven and weigh 310 pounds so when I decided that the ball was mine, that ball was mine.”

Witnesses at the game say that while Brad Davis, the Dynamo player kicking the ball into the fans, was facing the general direction of the Tatums, that Mr. Davis kicked the ball nearly 50 feet to the left of their seats. Wade, unperturbed by the distance, half-crawled and half-crab walked across peoples laps and the backs of the seats knocking over children, beers, and adults before finally reaching over the head of an eight year old girl wearing a Dynamo kit to snatch the ball one handed out of the air. Wade then made his way back to his seat where he held up the ball in victory before going on to drink 4 more beers and fall asleep in the 53rd minute.

Upon arriving home he presented the ball to his son Carter who was playing XBox and wearing a microphone headset at the time. “My dad came in and was talking about a ball or something,” Carter said, “but I was playing GTA Online and was in the middle of a heist so I couldn't really listen. My dad yelled about me not appreciating stuff or something and then kind of just threw the ball at me. I don’t even care about soccer so I just kicked it out into the hall.”

It was at this time that Apollo, the families pet Rottweiler, picked it up and carried it off behind the couch where it was quickly punctured and deflated. Apollo then went on to dismantle it bit by bit only to be discovered a week later by Caroline as she cleaned the house. Caroline Tatum then told TNN that she scolded the dog for making a mess and dispatched of the remains in the trash compactor.

TNN was unable to reach the eight year old girl for comment.

MLS Teams Invest In Advanced Analytics In Excuse Making

Five Major League Soccer (MLS) teams have signed on with statistical analysis company "Word Stats" to enhance their ability to make excuses for the 2015 season.

The Seattle Sounders, Portland Timbers, Toronto FC, Philadelphia Union, and Los Angeles Galaxy have all signed on with the professional word and phrase team to bring advanced analytics in excuse techniques to Major League Soccer.

"We felt like we needed to bring excuses into the 21st century, and the old way of just lobbing them from the back of the room when we felt like they were warranted is something we needed to change", said Portland Timbers director of communications Dan Laurant. "Instead of saying, 'the referee was poor' and getting a fine; advanced metrics show that saying 'the physical condition of the referee was sub-optimal' will result in a 10% gain in excuse performance."

The Seattle Sounders issued a press release on the matter, "Seattle is proud of being on the forefront of the technology revolution in soccer and we intend to do the same when it comes to excuses. Whether we blame the field, the conditions, the coach, the referee, the play of the other team, or the average humidity in the team van on the way to the game we will take our excuse generation to the absolute maximum with our new professional relationship."

Word Stats is based out of Baltimore and according to their mission statement the small, statistics based company has influenced the way in which professional coaches in Baseball, Football and Irish Lacrosse made excuses for poor play and losses.

Thousands Sign Up For Twellman Snapchat In Hope Of Nudes

After hearing the announcement that Taylor Twellman created a Snapchat account, thousands of MLS fans signed up in hope that he would follow Snapchat rules and post nudes. 

"I wanted to see that body", said 38 year old glamour shots professional Christina Smedett. "Isn't this what Snapchat is for? I mean all my boyfriend uses it for is surreptitious dick pics and the occasional picture of him dominating at World Of Warcraft."

Given the generally accepted usage for Snapchat is poorly thought out nudes while you are drunk and alone in the restroom of a dive bar and your boyfriend Zane or girlfriend Cassandra (or both) won't call you back, most people were shocked when former Major League Soccer star and current ESPN personality Taylor Twellman signed up for the service.

"I mean he has MY vote" said 26 year old vegetable supervisor and line cook Jeremy Brigan. "If Twellman wants to post nudes he should. Snapchat is for semi-nudes, nudes, dick pics and the occasional shot of a really nice sunset. SOME people use it for breaking up with another person, but the less said about that the better, LARRY."

The Nutmeg News reached out to soccer star Carlos Bocanegra and he had this to say, "Wait for ESPN the magazine, Taylor. They do the stylish nude pics. Also, get a good makeup artist, if you know what I mean."

TNN Official North American Soccer Power Rankings 3-6-15

The Nutmeg News is proud to debut their "Official North American Soccer Power Rankings" for first kick of Major League Soccer in 2015.

Today's Power Rankings have been studiously poured over by at least three drunk, unpaid interns who will be getting fired immediately after this column has been published. 

As well, we would like to announce our partnership with Castor Oil, who is a proud sponsor of The Nutmeg News since July 3rd 1885.

"Castor Oil, When you need to poop and only a remedy from the 1700's will do"

and now, without further ado.

The Nutmeg News Castor Oil North American Soccer Power Rankings

As not one single game has been played, these rankings have been sorted by a coefficient of "smug"

#1 - LA Galaxy - No club is more smug than that which just won the championship. 

#2 - Seattle Sounders - Second in the smug rankings, they think they invented smug in 2009. Clint Dempsey has a sponsorship with smug and "emaciated eye", a makeup that makes men look like they haven't eaten or slept in over 6 weeks.

#3 Montreal Impact - French Canadian? SMUG

#4 Portland Timbers - Timbers fans could also make the bottom of this list because they seem to vacillate between insanely extreme amounts of smug and insanely extreme amounts of self loathing.

#5 FC Dallas - Have you ever BEEN to Dallas? University Park? So much smug you can scrape it off the streets. Even if those people don't care about the team, it infects the ethos of their club with straight up smugnitactity.

#6 Orlando City SC - Kaka. Bros. Disney. Bros. "firms". There's more smug here than an AO convention at a gun show in South Carolina.

#7 New England Revolution - You make the final game of the season possible and you get smug. It is not necessarily an intense smug, but rather a locally sourced smug residual left over from the Red Sox who play 23 miles away.

#8 D.C. United - Theirs is an old smug, but still valid. Some of the preceding seasons have tamped down the smug considerably but it is still there to view.

#9 Real Salt Lake - This position for SLC is the upset of the entire smug  matrix. Religious smug far outweighs any other kind of smug, but due to a variety of reasons including TNN reporters being paid off (PAYOLA) and then dropping the ball on the rankings, SLC slipped to #9. Not COOL RSL. #SMUG.

#10 San Jose Earthquakes - The Earthquakes have no earthly reason to be smug, Their team has been terrible in recent times and they look to have a questionable season ahead. However, when you are one of the few teams that ended up with multiple fans in a violence based court date, your smug abilities no know bounds.

#11 Sporting Kansas City - They won MLS Cup and their food is pretty great. Small Smug. They also have a capo who dresses like Jesus. Big Smug. [guy fieri wrap up] all in all, this smug hits the spot if you are looking for a 2000 calorie meal, so come on down to Liverstrong, er.... Sporting Park and EAT EAT EAT.[/gfwu]

#12 Columbus Crew SC - Their smug comes from an age old battle between "The right way to support" "The wrong way to support" and winning an MLS cup with "Sigi Schmid (if that is his real name)" Strong Handed Anti-Capo, pro TifoSweat Smug

#13 New York City FC - They were going to be higher up on the list, but they tried to get their smug on loan from Barcelona and it signed a contract with Manchester City instead. 

#14 Houston Dynamo - Cubo Torres aside, this club hit on hard times last season struggling greatly. Their smug has been tampered by the Houston smog. Smug Smog as it were.

#15 Vancouver Whitecaps - Non majority French Canadians? Limited amount of smug. (except for the Canuck crossover in their crowd.) They are even polite in their tifo.

#16 Philadelphia Union - This team should be one of the club leaders in smug if it wasn't for their perpetually clownshoes ownership. Instead, they've put their smug into a 5 year bond in hopes that it will be twice the size when they stop signing goal keepers.

#17 Toronto FC - This organization is waiting to explode with smug. They've been on so many bad dates that it seems impossible that they will ever use their smug at this point. 

#18 Chicago Fire - A once proud club at the beginning, Andrew Hauptman has removed all the smug and sold it as diversified stock options on the market to make another $100,000 dollars.

#19 Colorado Rapids - It is hard to even consider being smug when your owner probably doesn't even know you exist. If Stan Kroenke suspected that this club had smug he would have his wife sell it in wal-mart for discounted prices and underpay all the people that did so by 50%

#20 Red Bull New York - Smug? Petke? Ali Curtis hoovered up the smug into his plan and is waiting to jam it back into the faces of the respective fan groups in Harrison, if and when the team starts winning of course. Is their smug coefficient higher than other teams on the list? YES. Is their smug, however, way... way, WAY too low for a team purportedly from New York? YES. Is asking and then answering questions a cheap way to write? ABSOLUTELY.

OPINION: To The Serial Farter In Section 122

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Daryl Jones of Issaquah, Washington. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Jones do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Daryl Jones - Issaquah, WA

TO THE SERIAL FARTER IN ECS (ED - Emerald City Supporters) SECTION 122

Yes, we know who you are. Yes, we know you are here for the boys. However, the noxious gasses that spew forth from your anus with malicious intent are causing near a near fatal arrhythmia among the Rave Green clad crowds that surround you.

There are times in which a man, any man, THIS man longs for the scent of the docks or the spray of a skunk or the scent of the Tacoma Dome over the unctuous and foul smelling scent that emanates from your corn hole. 

Yes, I hear you singing. Yes, I notice you are with the crowd, but my suggestion to you (dear sir) is to put a cork in the back end, not the front end. I would like to drink my beer un-fart flavored. I would like to smell the wafting scent of propane from our flamethrowers rather than your baked beans. 

In short, It is not he who smelt it dealt it, but rather he who dealt it getting belted... in the ear... if you do this again.

Sincerely yours,

Daryl Jones.

New Sporting Kansas City Kit Allows Fan Interaction

Kansas City, KS - The new Sporting Kansas City kit for the 2015 season allows fans to plot the season point total on the x and y axis says director of fan relations Timothy Belvedere.

"We thought that we would design a way for our fans to interact with each other by allowing them a way to draw on each other at the match. This way they can plot the points of the team, completely accurately, over the course of the season. While certainly there is a cause of concern for profane vandalism we maintain that this is something we are willing to suffer for our fans to interact with their kits in a new and novel way" 

While the team has admitted that this may lead to an improper usage, Kansas City anarchist fan group "The smoked meat pranksters" showed their version of schematically correct plotting. The modified "dickbutt" kit will be available on sale the season opener pre-game tailgate.

Fox Sports Adds Landon Donovan To Studio Team

LOS ANGELES - Desperate to put people to sleep before games, during half time, and after games, Fox Sports added Landon Donovan to the studio to comment on games.

"We know that MLS Legend Landon Donovan's ability to state plain facts in a wooden manner is unparalleled in American soccer, and we hope that we can combine his commentary with a sponsorship for Unisom to really help North American sleep problems" said Fox director of programming Julio Desansanza. 

"MLS Legend Landon Donovan's voice helps bridge the gap between the readily awake and the snoring heavily asleep. We count on this to make people fall asleep and leave their channel on Fox Sports for higher ratings."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Donovan for comment and he had the following to say, "I'm so happy about MLS Legend Landon Donovan's appointment. MLS Legend Landon Donovan is going to be fantastic talking about MLS Legend Landon Donovan and the horrifying reality that Major League Soccer no longer has MLS Legend Landon Donovan."

TNN spoke to man on the street Timothy Stephens, a 25 year old bank teller in Chula Vista, for his comment on the appointment and received the following, "Well, Goddammit."

God Blesses Hollingshead, Curses Santiago

Granite Bay, CA - With the announcement of Ryan Hollingshead being drafted into FC Dallas after taking a year off to build a church, God, the almighty ruler of the Universe is feeling frustrated and betrayed. God’s current plan is to take out his wrath on Pedro Santiago, an eight year old aspiring soccer player from Guerrero, Mexico who lives in a house made out of pallets.

More Old Testament, Less New Testament

“You know, I set Ryan up perfectly.” God says. “I had him born in Granite Bay, California, a city whose median family income is over $100,000 and whose demographics are over 90% white. I even got him into UCLA and saved him from countless car crashes and career ending injuries. I did all this so that he would get used to living a privileged life instead of holding down a normal food service, retail, or office job. That way he would be more inclined to join the ministry and go to work for me. The God industry needs the money that Ryan could raise. I showed him the possibilities of this by speaking to him and convincing him to take a year off his life to go build a church.”

Ryan took a year off of soccer and working to go and assist his brother Scott in building a church where Scott would be the head pastor.

“So he and Scott get done with the church,” God continues, “and I think that this is the time where he’s going to realize that ministry life is far easier than anything else and will go on to serve me. But no. What does he do as soon as the church is built? He goes right back to soccer. At this point there’s nothing I can do, I messed up and Ryan is now way too blessed by me to stop him so I’m going to have to make sure that this doesnt happen again with someone else. I’ve decided that I am going to punish Pedro Santiago, a kid who I was planning on blessing with some amazing soccer talent and would have hit the big time. I’m going to make sure that Pedro doesn’t throw away his life kicking a ball around like Ryan did.”

TNN was able to track down Pedro Santiago in the town of Guerrero, Mexico, a town with an average personal income of $5,000 a year. We found Pedro using his fingernails to scratch out pieces of recyclable glass out of garbage piles to earn a few cents to get a meager amount of food for the day. When we asked Pedro for a comment we were only offered Chiclets to purchase.

Despite Excitement Of Season Starting, MLS Players Disappoint Nearly Everyone

WASHINGTON - Major League Soccer (MLS) Players voting on the Collective Bargaining Agreement disappointed nearly everyone when they took the offered deal from MLS ownership on March 4th. 

"It was important to get something down on paper because ultimately we were terrified of striking and lacked the will power to do anything about it", said player representative Jack Jewsbury.  "We knew that once we decided to not strike and came back to negotiating on Wednesday we were utterly screwed, so we begged Major League Soccer for a deal and then decided to celebrate by having the rookies pick up an 18 pack of Miller Light."

Players Union representative Graham Zusi had the following to say, "It was important to get ours, even if that means ensuring that every young player coming into the league for the next five years will be held hostage by MLS Ownership's draconian single entity laws. I mean, I got mine and I'll be near retirement or over in Europe, hopefully, by the next time the CBA decision rolls around. Free agency for GZ in three, baby!"

Fans had an entirely different perspective and despite the enthusiasm of the season starting, they were very pointed.

"If they were going to cave for half cooked concessions than I don't know why they didn't just extend the current CBA and continue on the same path", said D.C. United fan Frank Vicenze. "I've developed a healthy dislike of the players because they toyed with everyone for so long before caving at the last minute."

MLS Ownership was buoyed by breaking the union's resolve at one of the only points in Major League Soccer history where the players union actually had an upper hand.  

"We had a ticking time bomb of two MLS expansion teams opening up, 60,000 people in Orlando, we were caught red handed with the Audi sponsorship notification, we managed to announce more sponsorship deals for our league and clubs during the players negotiation than in the previous 5 months combined, and yet they fell for our dog and pony show convincingly" said Clark Hunt.

"We will make sure that these players get nothing going forward because they broke like fine china when the heat was on. During the next CBA, we are going to limit free agency even more and hire a PR team to fix our devastating cock ups in the media".

MLS Players Union leader Bob Foose was succinct, "We held all the cards, the owners shot themselves in the foot with every possible bullet they had and we, the players, just fucked it up." 

Fans that supported Major League Soccer's ownership were especially disappointed with the players. TNN interviewed Eddie Haide, a 33 year old plumber from Brooklyn, who said,"It was a complete waste of time and energy and all the players union did was succeed in showing their impotence. They signed up for this MLS gig and they tried to ruin the season."

MLS Ownership toasted their success with champagne and yelled at unpaid interns to smash effigies of Union leadership in joyful celebration. They finished out the night by hoisting Don Garber onto their shoulders yelling "10 more years... 10 more years"

Sky Sports To Send Reporters To Cover CBA Deadline Day

WASHINGTON - Sky Sports will be sending three reporters to various cities across the United States to cover the Collective Bargaining Agreement deadline day.

Citing a recent lack of dildo antics and general background male on male sex acts in their broadcasts, Sky has reportedly embedded reporters in New York City, Washington DC, and Los Angeles in an effort to film fans reactions to the final collective bargaining agreement release.

“After the great internet response to our coverage of the Premier League deadline day, we decided that interviewing uneducated people in the United States about complex labor issues in their local soccer league would increase our daily viewership and make ourselves feel better about things”, said chairman of North American television rights William Darrowshire. "Plus, think about the kinds of dildos that can be shoved in our reporters ears in the United States! Great big ones with stars and stripes painted on them and fireworks exploding out the end! Glorious dildos that play the national anthem as they vibrate in tune with the crescendos!"

Las Vegas was reportedly one of the sites floated by Sky Sports as a potential target but was dropped because reportedly Sky Sports were afraid that they would be forced to cover Rupert Murdoch's alleged secret sexual dungeon underneath the strip that is filled with life size, anatomically correct wax sculptures of Margaret Thatcher.