NVA Announces Opposition To Vuvuzela Registration Act

NEW YORK - The National Vuvuzela Association announced today that it would be opposing the Vuvuzela Registration Act in a multi-paragraph rant posted to the Daily Blower online magazine.

"This heinous infringement on our national rights will not prevent those who seek to conceal vuvuzelas and use them in stadiums."

"This heinous infringement on our national rights will not prevent those who seek to conceal vuvuzelas and use them in stadiums."

The NVA stated in their opinion piece that, "Facts tell us that criminalizing private transfers of Vuvuzelas among family members and friends under a universal background check and registration system would do nothing to prevent 'Vuvuzela Sounds' at soccer games across North America. And importantly, would not have prevented the profound tragedy of South Africa that Vuvuzela banners use to promote such a system."

Supporters of the Vuvuzela Registration Act state that having a national registry and prohibitions about the use and ownership of said items would prevent future stadium tragedies where someone brings a Vuvuzela and annoys the living shit out of the entire crowd.

The Nutmeg News spoke with NVA spokesman Wayne La Pear about this bill and he had the following to say, "Perpetrators of those acts either successfully passed background checks to get the Vuvuzelas or they stole the Vuvuzelas, or they were given them by the team front office in some horrible promotion gone wrong. Whether the initial proposal includes a government registry of Vuvuzela transfers or Vuvuzlea owners, that's the end game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the debate rages on.

Colorado Rapids Credit The Nutmeg News For Early Season Form

Commerce City, CO - The Colorado Rapids today credited The Nutmeg News for their early season form stating, "It was their pre-season criticism that propelled us to where we are right now."

WE are spinning and you are spinning and your car is spinning and like everything is all about magnets and fields and have you ever seen what they put in GMO corn? I mean, my god! That'll make you spin and what do your hands...... do?

WE are spinning and you are spinning and your car is spinning and like everything is all about magnets and fields and have you ever seen what they put in GMO corn? I mean, my god! That'll make you spin and what do your hands...... do?

The Nutmeg News spoke to The Nutmeg News about this situation and we had the following to say, "We knew that writing so many articles about how bad the Rapids are would propel them to better heights of performance. We take heart that they were able to admit that our poignant articles about their untimely demise gave them the vigor to fight, this season."

While The Nutmeg News stated that they can't take all the credit, they did say that more credit belongs to The Nutmeg News than the players, a statement that the Rapids agreed with as TNN reporters spoke with Pablo Mastroeni about the early season.

"You know, we are spinning so fast on the earth it's a wonder that we don't fly off and the earth has like a gravitational field but no one knows what gravity really is and there are things you can't see like ghosts who turn the earth in work with the hollow earth people, the Illuminati, and a secret conspiracy between Jeffrey Tambor and Stephen Root to bring down the world elites. It's all varying. As Geoff Cameron states, Why does no one talk about Benghazi and what everyone is like saying and doing all the time if I'm not around? Do they exist? Anyway, we were spinning and you are spinning and then it's like WHOA! The Nutmeg News and I knew we were going to have a great season. I mean, we are still spinning, but like... man.... um....," and Mr Mastroeni trailed off and continued staring into space.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Colorado Rapids utilize our publication for scouting tips on their next game.

Anarchist Plans Upheaval Of Class Systems By Pooping On Supporters Bus

Tampa, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan and budding anarchist Robert Graves has admitted that he is planning an elaborate upheaval of the class system in the United States by pooping on the next available chartered bus for away supporters as it leaves.

"One of you will betray us...One of you will poop on the bus.... IS IT YOU, STEVE?"

"One of you will betray us...One of you will poop on the bus.... IS IT YOU, STEVE?"

"We must subvert the norms and destabilize the current class paradigm perpetuated by the moneyed elite and those that wish to subject the working class to their rules," exclaimed Mr Graves to his friend Nathan West.

"The way in which we show the bourgeois, capitalist elite our will and reinforce the struggle against the elite 1% in this country is by breaking all rules. The way in which we do this is locally and not just some grand scale plan that can't be implemented on a regional level. Thus, I plan on pooping on the chartered supporters bus at it leaves the parking lot subjecting all of us to the rank smell which will render the 50 of us all at the same basic class level of abject misery and olfactory torture. Anarchism and class struggle through football! POOP THE BUS!"

While Mr. Graves plans on enjoying the free and loose class structure that his stink filled bus adventure may bring, others are reportedly not looking forward to it as his girlfriend Amanda states, "He has been eating nothing but cheese, curry and chili with extra beans. This is going to be awful. I might actually stay home if he pulls this off. I support the struggle, but I have my limits."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Graves struggle to destabilize the ruling order of the global elite by pooping the bus.

 

Philadelphia Woman Prepares For End Of Days As Union Top Eastern Conference

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Sandra Rast began preparing for the end of days, as the signs have foretold, with the Union topping the Eastern Conference alongside Montreal six games into the season.

THE PROPHECY IS TRUE!

THE PROPHECY IS TRUE!

"THE SIGNS HAVE BEEN FORETOLD," ranted Ms Rast. "First the evil one would ascend in the form of a Nowak with his disciple Sakiewicz bringing brimstone and hellfire upon us. We fought the demon and the number was 6 which brought Roland Alberg to us in the year of Curtain 2016. Therefore, Sheanon Williams ascended from our Astral Plane to sacrifice himself for our greater good. This moment of grace brought us Tranquillo and we gathered not to mourn like seasons past, but to prepare for the apocalypse for LO THE NIGHT... The Union must now top the east and the beast shall be unleashed."

Ms. Rast made this statement to our reporter while stocking her pantry with essentials and canned goods which included an unopened box of Twinkies, 25 cans of Dinty Moore Beans and Wieners, a copy of Guns & Ammo, and a Sebastian LeToux jersey.

"The standings have foretold that the great destruction is imminent.  The prophecy is true! We must gather our crops, and our Chef Boyardee and remove ourselves to enjoy these moments in the peace and love that our family brings. Hail Sapong and the watchful eye cast over Sugarman, may we know love in their grace as we prepare for the end."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Rast gathers her neighbors to watch the Union's upcoming game against Seattle on the 16th in her retrofitted Armageddon basement and place for her brother to practice with his metal band DOOMsayer.

"I'm On Level With Mourinho," States 32 Year Old Accountant On Twitter

Indianapolis, IN - "I'm on level with Mourinho," stated Thomas Harwood, a 32 year old self admitted brilliant and innovative soccer tactician. "At least on level with tactics, but I'm better at motivating people." 

Mr. Harwood admits that he remains stuck in his 7 to 5 accounting job despite his ability to correctly analyze soccer trends, positioning, tactics, and how to motivate million dollar players. However, Mr. Harwood exclaimed to our reporter, "The world must know my opinions and they must know them now!"

"I'm better than Pep, as well. I haven't relied on all the talent being in position. Also, most relevant, I'm better than you at understanding defensive shifts, tactics and soccer in a general sense.

"I'm better than Pep, as well. I haven't relied on all the talent being in position. Also, most relevant, I'm better than you at understanding defensive shifts, tactics and soccer in a general sense.

"I know where the players need to be and I know how to motivate them to win," stated Mr. Harwood on his twitter account @ThomHarwoodCoachAccountant. "The problem with Major League Soccer and most teams in North America is that they haven't hired me as a coach, yet. Of course, I've spent the last 10 months trashing the league on my twitter account and talking about how tactically deficient and not soccer-savvy the players are, but they are that way primarily because I'm not a coach. Instead, I'm just sitting here entering numbers into spreadsheets, and utilizing eAudit and Caseware for a mid-level firm."

While Mr. Harwood does appear on soccer podcasts from time to time and writes an intermittent blog, he has never actually attempted to coach at any level except for 1 month at recreational soccer with his friends where half the team quit because he tried to make them tie a rope between the defenders in order to practice defensive order.

"I am the innovator. My words are gospel. When I speak about how players should move, play, think, these are all 100% true," exclaimed Harwood despite never holding any kind of coaching license, never having implemented any of my ideas in a game, and refusing to attend any games because the standard isn't high enough in this country to understand his ideas.

Mr. Harwood reported that he has decided to just take his frustrations out on his twitter account by sparring with nearly anyone who will say anything that disagrees with his tactical and world view until they realize that they are arguing with a dense brick wall and give up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Harwood lashes out at the self-described, "monopoly and conspiracy of Major League Soccer that denies his genius the right to coach games."

Frank Lampard Given Time Off To Find Himself And Hike Appalachian Trail

NEW YORK - NYCFC announced today that midfielder Frank Lampard has been given an indefinite amount of time off in order for the English player to find himself while hiking the length of the Appalachian Trail.

"It's something I've dreamed about since I was a little lad in Romford," stated Lampard to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I've saved up my money so that I can freely just walk the earth and take a tour of the United States by foot. It's going to be amazing and truly a once in a lifetime accomplishment."

Reportedly, Lampard (or Caveman Rust as his trailname has been given) is planning on taking DMT the entire length of the trail in order to come to a higher experience with nature.

"This melding of man, trail and drugs will truly allow me to find my way in the world, as a human, a carbon atom and as a man," stated Lampard to his guru, Randy Delhomme. "I'm hoping to actually find why I play, and why all humans play these games. At the point that I'm ready and can see the cosmos for what it is, or at least when NYCFC stop paying me, then I'll return to play soccer again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Caveman Rust when he retrieves his Burberry sunglasses from his supply cache drop.

 

Audi Player Index Indicates Fabián Espíndola Hit Numberwang

The Audi Player Index, a collection of statistical information that illuminates nothing but the methodology that statisticians can utilize to keep themselves employed, showed that Fabián Espíndola hit Numberwang during week 6 of Major League Soccer

THAT'S NUMBERWANG!

THAT'S NUMBERWANG!

"Fabian hit a goal from outside the box, calculated a logarithmic function, ran 40 yards and ate a nutritional bar, that means he achieved Numberwang which allows a random DC United fan from Arlington, Virginia to achieve complete victory over his neighbor and have one night of sexual congress with his neighbor's wife or husband," stated Major League Soccer manager of statistics, pie charts and other bullshit, Harold Valens. "What we have achieved with Numberwang and Fabián shows that he is statistically better than Lionel Messi. World look out!"

While the collection of random statistical items that is aggregated for some kind of meaningful yet meaningless item on the screen seems like complete garbage, others say not so.

"THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT," stated Bradley Raderson. "Unless you know that Fabián scored 2000, by some method that we really aren't going to release at an in-depth level, and obtained Numberwang, and had a Q score of 45%over 6X90 then you won't know how he played. My GOD, people, take a look at this tableau and let me know when you get with the program!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Audi Player Index as it is used to illuminate something else as we ROTATE THE BOARD!

 

Sacramento Republic Randomly Ban Fans To Show They Are Ready For MLS

Sacramento, CA - The Sacramento Republic announced Wednesday that they would randomly be banning fans for previous out of stadium and in-stadium infractions in order to prove that they are #ReadyForMLS.

"However, the guy outside in the parking lot, is not."

"However, the guy outside in the parking lot, is not."

"We want to show to Mr Whitworth and Major League Soccer that we are ready to enforce abject rules against our fans and that we don't really value their contribution to our existence in any major way," stated director of Human Affairs for Republic, Jennifer Warren. "It is important to Major League Soccer to show that we can treat our fans with an iron fist, and the first step towards Major League Soccer is obsequious boot licking of Ray Whitworth, so we will be announcing the banning of roughly 10 to 20 fans for different infractions."

Reportedly, the infractions consist of not valuing the brand high enough in their personal life, sharing supportive messages of the District Ultras, bringing in a diaper bag, complaining about security, not removing their hat for the introduction of the players music, lighting smoke at any time in their life including home fireworks, and watching any video including Liam Gallagher.

"We take this franchise opportunity seriously," stated Ms Warren. "It's important to show that we are all in this together as we move to a new league that will slowly figure out a way to turn our more passionate elements against our front office and the league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in year 3 of the Sacramento Republic in Major League Soccer experience.

Manchester City Victory Gives Bragging Rights To Lonely Man In Tucson

Tucson, AZ - Manchester City's victory and advancement in the UEFA Champions League gave bragging rights to a lonely fan in Tucson as David Smith celebrated City's win by fist pumping in his cubicle before returning to his un-ending life of drudgery.

"My club may be 4000 miles away, but we are so dominant."

"My club may be 4000 miles away, but we are so dominant."

"I've got no-one to rub this monumental victory into but I'm planning on talking trash on Facebook when I get home as my work doesn't allow social media through their webfilter," stated a quiet Mr Smith as he didn't want to speak too loud to avoid breaking the social decorum of utter tomb like silence that has enveloped 9 hours of his life every day except for Saturday and Sunday.

"This is my LIFE. I mean, I've never been to Manchester, nor have I ever left Arizona and City probably couldn't give two fucks about me, but honestly this is.... UM, YES CHARLENE... I'LL GET THOSE REPORTS TO YOU MOMENTARILY... look I gotta go," stated Mr Smith to our reporters.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith's pride swells with unmitigated expansion as he unlocks his Toyota Tercel for his 45 minute commute home in traffic.

Fans Of Opposing Teams Somehow Still Disagree With Each Other

Fans of the New England Revolution and Toronto Football Club somehow still disagreed with each other about the plays during the game and the result of the 1-1 draw on Saturday, despite three days having passed.

DANGEROUS FOUL! -LEGITIMATE TACKLE! -

DANGEROUS FOUL! -

LEGITIMATE TACKLE! -

"That no-call penalty in the box and then the resulting goal by TFC was bullshit," stated Norma Thurbot, member of the Midnight Riders  "We all know that game should have finished 1-0 or 2-0 or even 2-1 or even 3-1, but the referees made a huge mistake and Toronto are filled with classless assholes, so they couldn't accept that they made a mistake. Even that second goal, never should have been disallowed. TFC were in the wrong the whole game. We won that game, the referees cost us 3 points."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Toronto FC fan Paul Dubois about the game result and he had the following to say, "That was never a penalty, and Giovinco is god. I don't know what they are complaining about but they are completely insane. They tried to rough up our players with that stupid turf and their centerbacks. Let's not forget... LETS NOT FORGET, they were diving and asking for calls all OVER the field. Honestly, we shouldn't have even let that first goal in. They are such a scrub team on a shit field."

The Nutmeg News attempted to force a detente with a Twitter round table, but that only increased the ire as insults flew back and forth resulting in half the group leaving while one remained posting pictures of goatse until the acrimonious round table was finished.

 

Nigel De Jong Announced As MLS All-Star Game Captain

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that Nigel De Jong would be the captain for the MLS All Star Game held at Avaya Stadium in San Jose, California.

"Nigel is a tough, hard working player and we can't imagine a better leader to take our team out onto the field," stated Commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "We know that he alongside Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba, Kaka, and Pepe, when we finally get that deal signed, will help our All-Star Team represent our league and show Arsenal that we are a league on the grow."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the build up to All-Star week begins.

International Consortium Agree To Continue Making Player Highlight Videos With Terrible Music

The International Consortium Of Tribute Video Aficionados, today, agreed to continue making player highlight videos with terrible music on them.

"We with ICOTVA agreed that we must continue broadcasting, making and ensuring that all player highlight videos that you go to watch have really terrible music and bad production value," stated director of ICOTVA public relations Soloman Grandall.

"While most of the rest of the world has moved their standards upwards in video resolution, quality and music choice, ICOTVA is here to ensure that the video you are going to watch of the transfer target for a player from Slovenia is mixed with just awful Euro disco music that is turned up incredibly loud with video breaks, fly in graphics and highlights that make zero sense what so ever."

With ICOTVA admitting that they will continue their high quality attempt at low quality videos, fans worldwide admitted their relief at the consortiums attempt at continuing the huge attempts at low quality put forward.

"I don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have another 5 minute highlight video with European disco music of a player making runs to nowhere and not scoring goals to watch. It would be a very sad day indeed," stated fan Douglas Therimn.

"It's not officially a transfer window until I find out about a new folk-rock band from Serbia whose music is attached to a player my team is looking at who may or may not play a few minutes for Grasshopper FC this season," stated Stephanie Oaks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the trend thankfully continues.

 

 

Okugo Contract Details Remind Man Of Uncomfortable MLS Facts

Philadelphia, PA - "Oh right..... players are owned the by the league," stated Mr Jesse Noddard of Philadelphia. "I actually forgot about all of that for a second."

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports"Hey, did you remember, today, that the league controls the contracts of every player in the league and the way in which teams can sell players"

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

"Hey, did you remember, today, that the league controls the contracts of every player in the league and the way in which teams can sell players"

Reportedly, Mr Noddard was going to get another cup of coffee when he heard about former Union player Amobi Okugo's loan to Red Bull New York 2 from the league itself. The confusion set in for a few minutes until he remembered the insane way in which the league he watches conducts itself.

"I had, for a moment, enjoyed the Union's play and the way in which we are picking up points early while simultaneously forgetting that this is largely a league of bullshit player contracts that somehow manages to hold the rights of every player and dole them out like condoms at a swingers party." stated Mr Noddard. 

When Mr Noddard remembered the contract details, he also remembered that his club was really just a financial subsidiary of the league itself and the owners of his club just general investors into something that more resembles a pyramid scheme than a sporting league.

"None of this is going to temper my excitement for the Union, but man.... this league sucks sometimes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Noddard remembers that Major League Soccer actually pays for player acquisitions and utilizes expansion money to acquire players for rival clubs.

USSF Offer New Street Program To Improve Credibility And Skill Of Its Youth Players

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation announced, on Monday, a broad new measure to improve the credibility and skill of its youth players after watching the disappointing performances of Jordan Morris in 2016.

"We need more Luis Suarez and less Jordan Morris." - Walter Fredrick - USSF

"We need more Luis Suarez and less Jordan Morris." - Walter Fredrick - USSF

The Nutmeg News spoke with public relations officer Walter Fredrick about the new program and he had the following to say.

"The US Soccer Federation watched the development of Jordan Morris and other United States Youth. We realized that we are not offering the right options for them to succeed in the international game. Thus, we are announcing that we changed our options at Bradenton to a street course instead of the formerly pristine training environment. 

First we brought in a state-of-the-art dirt lot to toughen up our new crop of youth players, straight from the backyards of some of our donors in the Hamptons. We also offer an alternate street course with realistic street environment including driving cars, a goal made out of empty detergent bottles, broken glass littering the street, improperly disposed hypodermic needles, condoms, and ripped pages of pornography. 

We have to get these youth players adjusted to the real world. At least one of them will be kidnapped at gunpoint and forced to work in a drug facility packaging methamphetamine as a warning to our other youth team players of what can happen. While others will be separated based on weakness and put into street gangs."

Reportedly, the US Soccer Federation has set up an elaborate sound system that encircles the new training facility allowing them to pipe in gunfire, Samba music, ambient ambulance and police sirens, Ranchera music, Rap music, older players talking shit, Cumbia music, and the wails of the players mothers screaming for their children to make something of their life.

"We already have had some failures," stated Mr Fredrick. "On a trial run, Johnny McEntire looked for the orange slices and the Capri Sun flavored Advocare only to find a used condom. He fell to his knees and cried. Bradley Knox was left cramping as he refused to drink the non-potable water. Zaden Heatherton left training at the lack of our gluten-free, organic, non-gmo options. Let's be honest, if these kids haven't suffered malnutrition and dysentery at least 4 times in a single month they are being shipped back to Beverly Hills. It's all well and good to send our kids to University, but beyond the meaning of Plato's Republic, they're not learning a thing about the important things in life...like how to perform a Cruyff turn on broken glass while a pimp is beating a john in the alleyway for not paying for services rendered."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the lawsuits begin.

Miami FC Announce Kits And Tits Promotion

Miami, FL - Miami FC have announced a new Kits and Tits promotion for their upcoming home game.

"The best thing about the NASL is that I get older and the girls stay the same age. HUBBA HUBBA"

"The best thing about the NASL is that I get older and the girls stay the same age. HUBBA HUBBA"

The Nutmeg News spoke with Miami FC president Riccardo Silva about the new promotion.

"There is nothing more erotic than soccer and a half naked woman. That's why Miami FC are implementing our Kits and Tits giveaway for our upcoming home game against the Tampa Bay Rowdies. We are inviting all the fraternities from Florida International University down to the field to hose down some ample bosom women that we recruited from Wonderland Miami and whoever has the Miami FC (TM) Best Chest 2016 wins their team a free kit."

Reportedly, fraternities from FIU will be required to only use Miami FC branded super soakers as a way to hose down the co-ed of their choice.

Mr Silva stated, "We hired Dan Cortez and Daisy Fuentes to host the event and we will have an UGG-O-METER to determine if the women are pretty enough or should be dumped into a vat of Miami FC Astroglide Lube Of Shame (TM). Honestly, we are thinking of just cancelling the game and hosting a rave and spring break in the middle of the pitch. It's going to be great. We also picked up 200 gallons of edible body paint for our upcoming Miami FC RUB AND TUG event where our Strippers will be painted up and forced to pass the paint by rubbing themselves against a Miami FC fan."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miami FC obtain a full-time sexual harassment lawyer on staff.

US Soccer Blasts USMNT, "Play Better, So We Don't Have To Pay The USWNT More Money"

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation sent a strongly worded email to Jurgen Klinsmann and the players on the United States Men's Team blasting them for their lackadaisical play that has lead to the Federations inability to claim that the Men's Team is higher earning and better than their female counterparts.

Photo Courtesy of AP/Jessica Hill/@nutmegnews

Photo Courtesy of AP/Jessica Hill/@nutmegnews

"You are directly responsible for all of this Equal Employment Opportunity Commission complaint business," stated the email from Sunil Gulati directed towards the United State Men's National Team.

"If you played better, then perhaps these uppity women wouldn't be looking for an increase in pay. As it stands, the fact that you have routinely looked like reheated dog turds brings into question whether you are better or worse at your game than a team that just won the World Cup and is odds on favorites to win the Olympics."

Additionally, the US Soccer Federation is apparently worried that having to pay women an equal amount of money to their efforts and results will make the US Soccer Federation seem emasculated to the other federations around the world.

"If we start paying our women equally, then what is the English FA going to say about us?" stated Mr. Gulati. "We can't be having Chile and Argentina seeing us like this. I mean, if we start paying women equally, the next thing you know they are going to have the right to vote. If the US Men would just.... you know... be better... we would be able to brush off the women's claim much easier. It's really all the Men's team fault. Let's be honest here, the USSF are heavily interested in bidding for the 2026 World Cup. Do you know how much the bribes are going to cost to get that? EXACTLY the amount the USWNT are asking us to pay them. So you get one item. Equal Pay for Equal Play or the 2026 World Cup."

While the US Soccer Federation bashed the players, they also reached out to fans that had signs in support of the USWNT quest for equal pay as the USSF stated, "The US Soccer Federation would like to thank you for your opinion, signs, banners and messages, but remind you that young women should be seen but not heard. Based on current financial rules, your opinion is worth about 1/10th the value of Sunil Gulati and we would like to keep it that way. Thanks and keep buying tickets!"

 

TNN Style And Brand Watch: Trending UP For April!! Cutting Media Credentials

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the trends in Men's soccer in the United States for 2016.

Well, kick this thing right off with the #1 trend of April!

Read the article Here ---> http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20160407/PC20/160409527#.VwbiCXBPOCs.twitter 

Read the article Here ---> http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20160407/PC20/160409527#.VwbiCXBPOCs.twitter 

CUTTING MEDIA CREDENTIALS:

First DC United took the bold step of cutting the media credentials of a fan podcast after it was revealed *SHOCKER* that the podcast host's wife had season tickets.

THEN

The Charleston Battery revoked the press credentials of the Post And Courier newspaper in Charleston for having the daring to have a business reporter question the team on a lawsuit filed against team owner Eric Bowman

This upward trend towards absolute control of media is a vital one according to brand expert Leopold Digrasse, a resident brand expert for the University of Southern Toledo in Miami's adjunct campus on Puerto Rico.

"What we see here are teams and organizations incapable of being able to handle criticism, as well as wanting to have total control over the narrative that is spun about them. It's a fantastic way to simultaneously piss of whatever fans are actually paying attention to you while simultaneously eliminating the only coverage you were getting, positive or negative, anyway,."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Charleston Battery un-follow our twitter account.

 

 

Major League Soccer Introduces New League Loyalty Oath And Home Surveillance Program

NEW YORK - In a stunning move, Major League Soccer today announced a new league loyalty oath and home surveillance program called "MLS Cares".

The Nutmeg News spoke to Major League Soccer Security boss Ray Whitworth about the new program and he had the following to say.

"We here with Major League Soccer want our fans to be safe. More importantly than that we want the hordes of fans that attend our games to FEEL safe. We have already implemented a sharp increase in the number of external and internal stadium video recording system, but our new program MLS CARES, will allow us to take that surveillance even further. 

If you agree to let the league video tape you at all times, you will receive a 10% coupon for concessions in the stadium of your choice. You will be required to take a league loyalty oath that states, 'Praise Security. Praise TSA. Praise the League. All hail the mighty invasive pat down that lifts our underwire and tries to find our flask. I will never raise arms against the league. I will never raise flares against the league. I will never raise smoke against the league. No banner shall criticize, no two-stick shall profane. In all matters, the judgment of the league is best, final and appropriate.' It's important for our new middle class fans to feel safe, even if they are surrounded by hoards of fans just waiting to do a Green Street and smash their faces with pint glasses. I've seen it all before, y'know. Elijah Wood. West Ham. I was there. It was awful. The United States and that other country are just a festering suckhole of rebellious thought that must be tamed."

Reportedly, the MLS Cares program will allow full time 24x7 monitoring from your house to your stadium via CCTV in your bedroom, living room and bathroom, and drone coverage from the sky when you leave. This will allow the league to finally feel safe about supporters and increase the adaptation of everyone to new security measures that will reportedly eventually include taking off all your clothes, spreading your cheeks and showing whether or not you have any hidden contraband up there.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Whitworth campaign towards a secure and non-violent Major League Soccer.

Sporting Kansas City, The 1992 Dream Team, And A Block Of Cheddar Cheese - More Similar Than You Think!

Sporting Kansas City enter as favorites to win against Red Bull New York in New York on Saturday. The 1992 Dream Team entered as favorites to win against Lithuania . A block of Cheddar Cheese enters as a favorite to be grated on your Tacos.

HISTORIC STREAKS

2012 saw Sporting Kansas City start the season with seven straight victories, setting the club's all-time record for longest regular season winning streak in regulation at nine games

The 1992 Dream Team never lost a game on the way to the 1992 gold medal.

The block of yellow Cheddar Cheese that you found in your trunk that you accidentally left when you went to your friend Mark's party night was so melted that it left marks all over your corduroy pants.  QUELLE DAMAGE, JIMBO

STAR POWER

Sporting Kansas City glitter with Beny Feilhaber, Dom Dwyer, Roger Espinoza, Graham Zusi, and Matt Besler

The 1992 Dream Team sparkled (see what we did there) with Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson,  Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, Larry Bird, and Christian Laettner

Trader Joe's X-tra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Great Lakes Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Cracker Barrel Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Tillamook Vintage White Cheddar Cheese, Cabot Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, need we say more?

STYLE OF PLAY

Sporting Kansas City relentlessly press and play an up tempo game designed to make their opponents feel uncomfortable.

The 1992 Dream Team relentlessly press and play an up tempo game designed to make their opponents feel uncomfortable other than the simple fact that they were all professionals and better than literally everyone else on the court

The 2004 Vintage Kraft Cheddar Cheese slice that has been sitting in your buddies fridge for 12 years will relentlessly press and play an up temp game with your colon when you feel adventurous enough to try it on a pimento loaf sandwich that you whipped up because you were hungry.

 

D.C. United Fan Podcast Has Credentials Revoked For Being Fans

WASINGTON - The men that run D.C United Podcast YEWnited reportedly had their credentials to access the team, training and press box pulled after the front office complained that hosts of the low rated podcast were actually fans of the team with season tickets.

From BlackandRedUnited.comWe don't know what it is, but it seems important.

From BlackandRedUnited.com

We don't know what it is, but it seems important.

"They have season tickets? Fuck that! We don't need fans, here." stated DC United director of Communication Dave Reynolds. "What we need are ignorant laypeople who just want to ask inane questions and not rock the boat."

The front office for D.C. United stated that they were in the process of reviewing their policy for giving out media credentials when they realized that they had actually given too many fans access to the team.

"It's just a matter of time before a fan stumbles on something we don't want them to know. I don't know, maybe a secret training regiment or some kind of problem with an injury. We don't need educated fans, we don't need people learning things here, and we don't need podcasts that cater to 20's of people every day breaking news to the 5 interested listeners they have that aren't their mom and dad or their significant other," stated Mr Reynolds.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Caspar Hanover and Grant Kawaii, hosts of YEWnited, about the loss of their credentials and they had the following to say.

"We both think the whole thing is pretty hilarious, but as far as we know, no one else is having their credentials pulled. It's pretty crazy to think the team actually cares about shutting down our access, but hey maybe they didn't want our dozens of fans to listen to us talk about the relatively uninteresting things that happened at training."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United pulls the credentials that The Nutmeg News doesn't have in the first place.