CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation sent a strongly worded email to Jurgen Klinsmann and the players on the United States Men's Team blasting them for their lackadaisical play that has lead to the Federations inability to claim that the Men's Team is higher earning and better than their female counterparts.
"You are directly responsible for all of this Equal Employment Opportunity Commission complaint business," stated the email from Sunil Gulati directed towards the United State Men's National Team.
"If you played better, then perhaps these uppity women wouldn't be looking for an increase in pay. As it stands, the fact that you have routinely looked like reheated dog turds brings into question whether you are better or worse at your game than a team that just won the World Cup and is odds on favorites to win the Olympics."
Additionally, the US Soccer Federation is apparently worried that having to pay women an equal amount of money to their efforts and results will make the US Soccer Federation seem emasculated to the other federations around the world.
"If we start paying our women equally, then what is the English FA going to say about us?" stated Mr. Gulati. "We can't be having Chile and Argentina seeing us like this. I mean, if we start paying women equally, the next thing you know they are going to have the right to vote. If the US Men would just.... you know... be better... we would be able to brush off the women's claim much easier. It's really all the Men's team fault. Let's be honest here, the USSF are heavily interested in bidding for the 2026 World Cup. Do you know how much the bribes are going to cost to get that? EXACTLY the amount the USWNT are asking us to pay them. So you get one item. Equal Pay for Equal Play or the 2026 World Cup."
While the US Soccer Federation bashed the players, they also reached out to fans that had signs in support of the USWNT quest for equal pay as the USSF stated, "The US Soccer Federation would like to thank you for your opinion, signs, banners and messages, but remind you that young women should be seen but not heard. Based on current financial rules, your opinion is worth about 1/10th the value of Sunil Gulati and we would like to keep it that way. Thanks and keep buying tickets!"