Positive Attitude About Team Returns After Soccer Fan Is Unable To Log Onto Twitter

Salt Lake City, UT - While being unable to log into Twitter due to a cell service problem, Real Salt Lake fan Brent Daniels stated that he noticed a servere increase in his overall positive attitude regarding the MLS side.

"After not being burdened by all the negativity online I'm feeling a lot better about the chances of RSL this season," stated Daniels. "It's amazing what not looking at my phone every few seconds can do."

According to friends and family, Daniels is often seen looking at his phone repeatedly when bored, when busy and when doing literally every activity including watching television, playing games, family gatherings, funerals, weddings, attending concerts and sexual intercourse.

"He's always on that damn thing and he is always depressed," stated grandmother Denise Daniels. "I tell him that he just needs to step away from it and realize that Craig Waibel is going to be fine or he isn't... but what is Brent going to do. Now let me tell you about Alvaro Saborio, oh those were the days."

For his part, Daniels admitted that he likely spends too much time on Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook with the endless negativity from those versions of social media shaping his perspective of everything from the team selection to how well the team was playing.

"I actually realized that it's been forever since I actually... you know... watched a match all the way through. Did you know that Beckerman cut his hair," asked Daniels as his phone went off during our interview indicating that his cell service was restored and our interview was over.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Daniels walks into a glass door while staring at his phone while trying to decipher a tweet regarding RSL from an anonymous troll account.

Woman Surprised To Read News About The NWSL That Isn't Regarding A League Scandal

Piscataway, NJ - Sky Blue fan Laura Ingram was surprised to read news, on Tuesday, about the National Women's Soccer League that wasn't regarding a major league scandal as she gleefully savored a column about Sam Kerr and Megan Rapinoe winning ESPY awards.

Oh........ok......... maybe not THIS particular article.

"This is the most positive article about the league I've seen in over a month," stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. "Nowhere does it mention the federation pulling players in the middle of a playoff run for meaningless friendlies. Neither does it mention the deplorable conditions at Sky Blue. Neither does it mention that we haven't had a commissioner for the league in over 500 days. Admittedly it's only a few sentences, but at least it is positive!"

Ingram reportedly savored the column before turning to another one on Valve about the possibility of the NWSL falling to pieces that included a stinger regarding her club possibly failing or moving before she closed out her twitter and went to a company bathroom to sigh and think about having scotch for dinner.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Ingram attempts to keep herself from clicking on an additional column about Sky Blue that she finds on another blog.

Portland And Los Angeles To Send 11 Best Lawyers To Re-Contest US Open Cup Quarter-final

LOS ANGELES - After indicating that they were interested in litigating the 3-2 quarter-final loss to Los Angeles FC in the US Open Cup, the Portland Timbers announced that they would be sending their best 11 lawyers to take on the best 11 lawyers of Los Angeles Football Club in a winner advances to the second round of arbitration battle of the west.

"We are looking for a fair judgement in this match," stated owner Merritt Paulson. "Our fans won't accept this loss and neither will we and it will be up to the courts to decide who advances in the US Open Cup."

We spoke to owner Los Angeles FC owner Will Ferrell who lapsed into shtick as Anchorman Ron Burgundy before we were sent to speak with Peter Guber who stated, "The battle was decided already on the field but if they want a way.... they've got one. We have so many lawyers on retainer that we could field two separate teams of lawyers to battle against each other."

According to Major Lawyer Soccer (MLS) analyst Matt Hoyle, the battle will be one of contrast as he expects the Timbers legal team to come out in a 5-4-1 and attempt to smother the LAFC legal team in subpoenas and requests for evidence.

"It'll be a battle for the ages! 11 v 11 of the highest paid lawyers in the west that aren't currently working on a sexual harassment settlement for a Republican senator in Washington D.C."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation considers moving the entire tournament to this style of play.

Hinkle Grateful For Second Chance To Hate Lesbians Internationally While On The United States National Team

Cary, NC - An effusive Jaelene Hinkle stated that she was, "Thrilled and grateful for the second chance to hate lesbians internationally," after she was offered a second chance to represent the United States.

"Not everyone gets a second chance to represent the National Team after they previously turned them down because they wouldn't wear a rainbow colored number on their kit because their religious belief makes them think that all gays and lesbians are horrible monsters" stated director of US Soccer Bill Williams. "We knew that Ms. Hinkle would really seize the opportunity to show her bigotry on the international level and show that she isn't constrained to just an national following."

Fans of the player say that you can't discriminate against Hinkle due to her religious belief that lesbians are forcing their lifestyle on the general public and that unrepentant sodomites will burn in the fires of hell.

"Hinkle is right and including her on the national team really enforces that the US Women's National team welcomes everyone including players who agree to appear on a television program where the host suggested a man move to Saudi Arabia and become a Muslim so he could beat his wife," stated evangelical Christian Darla Heathersbee.

However, reportedly, members of the gay and lesbian community were shocked that a US Soccer entity that just held pride events last month would include someone on an official roster that appeared on a television show where the host stated that Haitians made a deal with the devil, during the 1791 slave revolt, which eventually caused the 2010 devastating Earthquake.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer continues to work both sides of the aisle.

Kombucha Speakeasy Opens Adjacent To Audi Field Supporters Section As Nearby Seat Prices Rise

WASHINGTON - A Kombucha Speakeasy named "Moreno's Hideaway" is set to open at the home of D.C. United, Audi Field, as seat prices in the area of the Speakeasy are rising as a result of the new business opportunity.

Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

"What we are seeing here is the same thing we've seen in Shaw, Columbia Heights, Eckington, and Petworth" stated director of urban development for the district, Carl Edwards. "Rapid gentrification has pushed out the original inhabitants of their area and made way for exclusive and sometimes aspirational shops that cater to new clientele."

With the speakeasy opening, property value next to the hidden Kombucha dispensary has tripled as members of the Screaming Eagles clamor to be the ticket holders next to the stores in section 135 they look to patronize.

"They say that this ticket used to belong to a Salvadorian named Eduardo," named one season ticket holder who wished not to be named. "However, I got it at a deal. Now that I'm here, I'd like to really see the neighborhood charm improve. I hear that they are opening up an artisinal donut shop in section 134 and that ticket value is going up 300% overnight. I'm very interested in some property close to that, I'll tell you what."

Not all D.C. United fans are please with the development, however, as long term resident of D.C. United games Hector Gutierrez mourned the loss of his fellow fans.

"There used to be Salvadorian and Mexican families right over there," motioned Gutierrez to the horizon. "Right next to them there used to be some single families that I knew who used to attend ticket by ticket. They've all been pushed out of the stadium now. I heard a kid on this block who is called Kaiden. Kaiden... man. I miss my friends, now. I'm the last of a dying fan, on this ticket block, and when I'm gone, all the Latin American flavor is gonna be gone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an artisinal salt shop opens in section 133 that creates a rush of gentrification moving out of the supporters section into some comfortable seats away from the "urban boundary."

Seattle Reign Implement Supporters Group Loyalty Oath Program

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Reign front office, today, instituted a new loyalty oath program for their supporters groups where they mandate that all members of a supporters group must swear unwavering fealty to the front office of the Reign.

"...and I swear to not use ANY naughty words, ever."

"To speak out against the Reign front office is tantamount to treason," stated Seattle Reign owner and President Bill Predmore. "We will require all members of our supporters groups to swear an absolute loyalty oath to the front office of the team and the employees thereof."

Insider sources with the Reign say they are tired of criticism from their own fans of game-day operations and the way in which the supporters groups are run by the Reign. The loyalty oath will require a signed statement that indicates the fan in question will never publicly criticize the front office, the game-day operations, the stadium, the bathrooms in the stadium, the concessions in the stadium or the security in the stadium, and especially not the front office run supporters group.

"Fans come and go," stated Predmore to The Nutmeg News. "But the front office is forever and you need to swear to this front office that you will not speak out against it in order to receive tickets in the Royal Guard. It's only a natural extension of our national predicament in which unpatriotic loudmouths are trying to ruin the country. We will not let that happen to the Reign and we will vigorously crack down on any and all supporters of this team if they are not 100% in lock step with everything that comes out of the front office."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Royal Guard ask for permission from the front office to attend the next home game.

Area Soccer Fans Disappointed By Home Run Darby

WASHINGTON - Area soccer fans that turned out for the Home Run Derby were reportedly disappointed in the D.C. spectacle.

"I've been a passionate, lifelong supporter of Dumbarton FC," said Silver Springs native Brad Chadderson, "But I thought I would give this darby a go. I must say that I've been quite gutted that I don't get to see the lads on the pitch,"

"I was all collywobbles to attend," stated soccer fan Sandra Evans of Baltimore, MD. "I thought the darby was gammy and I didn't expect the organizers to to make such a cock-up.  I was coming out to see Rooney!"

Not everyone was disappointed in the activities as Roger Dilbow of Bethesda, MD really found some enjoyment in the comparison of the Derby to a game familiar to all Americans.

"I watch the Ashes on Youtube pretty religiously, so I feel like I get the basic idea," stated Dilbow to The Nutmeg News. "The bowler delivers the ball to the batsman, who attempts to strike it, and if it crosses the boundary without touching the pitch, he is awarded a run. I'm chuffed to attend this local Darby!"

Our reporters spoke with Chad Bradderson of Alexandria, VA who attempted to pick one of the local eleven. "I'm not sure who to support," stated Mr Bradderson.  "The only club I know is Boston, because of the American version of Fever Pitch. Is there a Croatian player? I found out on http://Ancestry.com that my great-great grandfather was born in Slavonia so that's close enough for me. This is truly eventful darby, even if the rules make no sense. It reminds me of PKs -- sorry, penalties."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we pour a pint of bitter, order in a curry and some chips; and sit down to watch the lads in the derby.

CORRECTION: This article was originally titled Home Run Derby, and it is (of course) Home Run Darby.

Google Search Function Crashes As American Sports Writers Look Up Population Of Croatia

THE UNITED STATES - The Google search function crashed immediately following the England v Croatia game as sports journalists across the United States looked up the population of Croatia in order to utilize that statistic in their lede, columns and analysis about the game.

"I was planning on writing about how Croatia is the size of some random po-dunk town in the United States," stated one anonymous Sports Illustrated writer.

"I was going to write a scathing column comparing the size of Croatia and the size of the United States in condemning the US Soccer Federation development tactics," stated one anonymous Washington Post writer

"I just needed some filler to open up my column," stated and ESPN FC writer on a deadline.

Engineers with Google say that searches of "Croatia Population" spiked 1000% over such searches as, "Is Harry Kane's mouth always that way?" and "Where does Mario Mandžukić play and is he related to Mario Lemiux somehow?" and "How can I connect Lebron James to Luka Modric."

"Look, I just need the information for my stinger so that I can pepper my column with some insight," stated an SB Nation blogger who was working for free and unable to pay his water bill.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as multiple columns contrast Croatia, Uruguay and the United States in terms of size and player development.

Strange Man In Company Bathroom Exuberantly Cheering Bowel Movement

NEW YORK - A strange man in the company bathroom of Cophesus Enterprises was reportedly exuberantly cheering his bowel movement as he yelled, "COME ON, GET STUCK IN," while stamping his foot.

People on the 15th floor of the IBM Building at 590 Madison Avenue report that the man, who is identified only by his brown leather shoes, took up residence in the stall around 2:00 pm, and has been vociferously cheering since then.

"I went in to take a leak and he just yelled, 'HELL YES,' while banging on the stall doors," stated copywriter Nathan Henderson. "Honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go back in there if he is trying that hard to poop."

Co-workers with Cophesus Enterprises state that it has to be an employee that works there as the restroom has a code lock on it, but no one is willing to look in the stall to verify who is struggling so much on the toilet.

"I just asked him if he was ok," stated compliance officer Steven Bowman. "He responded by screaming, 'OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING HOME! ITS COMING HOME!' To be honest, I think I'm going to report this to human resources."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a debate emerges on whether they should call the building security on the individual whose now been in the stall for over 45 minutes.

Area Man Not Certain What Happened With D.C. United Supporters Groups

WASHINGTON - Area man Wayne Rooney stated that he wasn't certain what happened with D.C. United's supporters groups, but that he planned to attend the upcoming inaugural game at Audi Field anyway.

"Made up to get this clobber."

"Me head’s chocka," stated Rooney to The Nutmeg News. "Made up to be there, though, like, honest. Is right, that stadium."

With D.C. United effectively banning the District Ultras and Barra Brava from Audi Field, the collected supporters groups are planning a march on the day of the first game at Audi Field against the hand over of the supporters section to only the Screaming Eagles, a group that negotiated with the United front office behind closed doors.

"Yeah, I'll be proper devoed if it affects the atmosphere," stated the befuddled Rooney. "I don't know, though. I just say, 'Lad, it’s none of your business, stop gegging in,' but lads keep asking me if it's boss. I'm just going with an open mind. These moaning arlarse fans are doing me head in. Soz abar you, but 4 months and I'll see if I'm back."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to ask Mr Rooney if he knows what's going on with the D.C. United Supporters Groups

Local Expert On La Liga Is Now Local Expert On Serie A

Henderson, NV - Paul Williams, a local expert on La Liga, announced that he fully transitioned to being a local expert on Italian football league Serie A by way of a 15 Tweet thread on the impact of new acquisitions after it was announced that Cristiano Ronaldo would be moving to Juventus.

"This is Livorno, they are a really right wing team that plays in Sicily"

"Y'know, I've got some personal history with Serie A and Juventus," stated Williams on his account @SoccerExpert24325632 to his 100 followers as he did not indicate exactly what that connection actually was. "While I've been reporting on Madrid for the past 9 years, I've got a vast amount of knowledge on Serie A and all the teams that play within that league and exactly what is going to happen with Ronaldo signing for Juventus."

According to friends, family and Williams extended Facebook strangers that he roped into his own group called North American Football Opinions, Williams has taken to all forms of social media to expertly prognosticate on the Italian league despite only really caring about it for the past 4 hours.

"Anyone saying that I've only followed this league for 4 hours is just fake news," stated Williams. "I've always had a relationship with Juventus since FIFA autopicked them for me last year. I've got an in depth knowledge into the players and history of the league. I just didn't talk about it because it was important to talk about La Liga. Now it is important to talk about Serie A. You can expect a full diagram of Ronaldo's upcoming goals and which game will have his first hat trick coming on my blog, instagram, twitter, reddit and facebook account very soon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams googles, "Who won the Serie A championship during the 2017/2018 season," and, "Does Serie A have promotion/relegation."

Player Song With Three Words Too Difficult To Learn And Get Going

Salt Lake City, UT - Reports from the collected supporters groups of Real Salt Lake (RSL) indicate that a recent song for Albert Rusnák that contained a total of three words was entirely too difficult to learn and get going as the song died a quick death after being tested in the RSL supporters groups.

"Look, this isn't complex," stated songwriter David Quizzens to fellow Salt Lake supporters who looked back at him with blank stares as they reflexively crossed their arms indicated their absolute lack of desire to sing.

"It's three fucking words, can you just try? Here... I'll start it for you... it's Love Shack, you guys know Love Shack, right? RUSNAK... ALBERT RUSNAK OHHHHH.... RUSNAK... ALBERT RUSNAK," screamed Quizzens as he noticed two men near him cough and sit down to talk about their upcoming trip to Moab.

According to everyone around Quizzens, they indicated that the song was too difficult to learn and get going as, "not everyone is going to get the B-52s, David."

The list of excuses as to why his fellow RSL fans would not sing this song included the following items:

#1 Too obscure

#2 Too many words

#3 Not enough words

#4 Not modern enough

#5 Not classic enough

#6 Too dumb

#7 Not dumb enough

#8 It doesn't befit a player of his skill

#9 It's not better than the song that Tim over in section 27 tried to get going.

#10 Not a true terrace classic from back when I used to attend those games at the Den, now those were a day when we wrote songs for local legends who knew what their pound was worth.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Quizzens vows to never support another player song by anyone else because of this absolute travesty.

American With German, Argentine, and Brazilian Heritage ALSO Once Had A Layover In Brussels

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German, Argentine, and Brazilian heritage that he recently remembered that one time after college where he had a layover in Brussles and watched a national team game in bar as his futile grasp towards a World Cup team enters its death rattle phase.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria and my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina, and yes my grandfather's second cousin's wife was from São Paulo, Brazil," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today I've always found myself rooting for Belgium after I really experienced the local football scene there in a train station."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze bothered to exclaim this new found loyalty as the second goal for Belgium went in against an Brazilian side that seemed outclassed on the day, but they accepted his Belgian waffle with measured patience as Heinze removed his pictures of Neymar and Pele and replaced it with a picture of Thibaut Courtois.

"Ok, just fuck off with all this shit," stated good friend Claudia Gonzalez as Heinze walked out of his bedroom wearing a never-worn Belgium top at half time.

"It's important for me to display my affiliations during this World Cup," stated Heinze as he completely ignored her statement. "I'm not just a German fan or an Argentine fan, or a Brazil fan, but I feel strongly connected to that moment 10 years ago where I was watching a game in Brussels. It was at a very pivotal part of my life as I just had discovered hopped beer and the football and it influenced me greatly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant French cousin, just in case.

Landon Donovan Announces Retirement From National Soccer Team

LOS ANGELES - After Mexico was knocked out of the 2018 World Cup, former Club Leon substitute Landon Donovan announced his retirement from supporting the national soccer team.

"This story has ended. We gave it our everything until the end," the former Liga MX midfielder told reporters after the match.

"It was a crazy match, in which we didn't start well but we recovered and we turned it around. But their second goal did so much damage to us. It cost us so much to lift ourselves up again. From this point on I will be just another fan. It is over. The illusion is shattered."

The 36-year-old played a full 1 minute in the commercial for Wells Fargo which marked his biggest commercial of the year.

Donovan, who played in six games for Club Leon, made his debut for the Mexican side in 2018. In his time with his side, Donovan failed to win a major tournament.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan un-retires to support the United States during the Gold Cup as Mexican fans feel the full betrayal of his legacy.

Brazilian and Mexican Actors Shine In Russian Community Theater Production Of Hamlet

Samara, Russia - A community production of Hamlet is receiving reviews as an imported cast of Mexican and Brazilian actors thrilled the packed stadium who witnessed some of the finest acting they've ever seen.

“One may smile, and smile, and be a villain. ”

"I've never seen such dramatic acting," stated local Russian fan Lulia Stepchenko. "They committed to the process, to the desperation, to the truth within in a way that was truly credible. When Neymar bellowed out and thrashed around on the field in a petulant fashion you could truly imagine that he was mourning the death of Ophelia."

Not all reviews were positive as art critic Jefferey Evans of New York stated that he didn't believe Neymar when he portrayed the betrayal of Hamlet by Claudius by rolling around and grabbing his ankle.

"It was entirely unbelievable. Claudius doesn't hit Hamlet in the ankle, he slowly and methodically plans out his revenge before succumbing to Hamlet himself. This kind of play acting may go over well in Paris, but in New York he would certainly be removed from the stage."

However, Mr. Evans opinion was clearly in the minority as the organization putting on the play, FIFA, already ordered a repeat production of the theatrics as they plan an elaborate staging of King Lear featuring the Brazilian acting troupe and a soon to be named group of actors from Belgium or Japan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Neymar submits his ankle scream for Tony Award consideration

American With German Heritage And Argentine Heritage ALSO Has Brazilian Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage and Argentine heritage that he recently discovered that he ALSO has Brazilian heritage... on his grandfather's second cousin's wife side of the family.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria and my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina ," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today my grandfather's second cousin's wife was from São Paulo, Brazil."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze bothered to exclaim this new found loyalty as the fourth goal for France went in against an Argentinian side that seemed outclassed on the day., but they accepted his transition into a Seleção ultra with measured patience as Heinze removed a picture of Lionel Messi and replaced it with a picture of Neymar and Pele.

"How many of those training tops do you have," stated good friend Claudia Gonzalez as Heinze walked out of his bedroom wearing a never-worn Brazil top. 

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze as he completely ignored her question. "I'm not just a German fan or an Argentine fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to marry a Brazilian many years ago.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant French cousin, just in case.

Wayne Rooney Added to MLS All-Star Roster

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that former Everton midfielder Wayne Rooney will be added to the Major League Soccer All-Star roster to be played on August 1, 2018 after his acquisition was announced June 28th by DC United.

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid 

"The fans have spoken and Wayne will be suiting up for the MLS All-Star game after his stellar start to the season," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "We all know that Wayne is an All-Star and this selection proves that Major League Soccer will be one of the biggest leagues in the world by 2022, or 2026, or 2030, but definitely by 2022."

Insiders state that Rooney's contract includes a mandate that he is always an All Star since he first heard the song by Smash Mouth whilst watching the biography Shrek.

"This is what, now and where against who?" Reportedly asked Rooney when told that he would be playing against Juventus in Atlanta, Georgia.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a translator fills Rooney in on what exactly an All-Star Game is and where Atlanta is and where Washington DC is and where his team currently is in the league.

FOX Executives Shocked To Find Out There's A World Cup For Women After Julie Foudy Tweet

LOS ANGELES - Executives with FOX were reportedly shocked to find out that there is actually a World Cup for Women after being corrected on a statistic by two time World Cup winner and two time Olympic Gold Medalist Julie Foudy.

"Who woudla imagined that the dames woulda had the moxy to pull that together,": stated FOX executive Dick Richards. "What with this women's lib, they are getting more and more involved in the sports, which we know isn't good for their women stuff."

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment on Mr. Richards statement, but we were told that he was unavailable to comment after being promoted to senior management with FOX News.

However, sources within the newsroom at FOX indicate that they were simply shocked to find out that Women play soccer as they stated, "WOMEN? WHAT WITH THEM MENSTRUATION AND STUFF? THEY PLAY? Won't they just die out there?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FOX News asks whether the Women's World Cup is eroding traditional family values.

American With German Heritage ALSO Has Argentine Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage, he ALSO has Argentine heritage... on his mom's side of the family.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today, my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze didn't bother to bring this up until roughly 5 minutes ago, but they accepted his transition into an Albiceleste ultra with measured patience as Heinze moved a picture of Lionel Messi into the living room of his apartment and emerged from his bedroom with a never worn Argentina training top.

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze. "I'm not just a German fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to leave Argentina over 150 years ago."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant Brazilian grandfather, just in case.

United States Soccer Federation Announce Post World Cup United States Victory Tour

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a post World Cup United States Victory Tour with tickets released now for a hungry public awaiting the return of their conquering heroes. 

"We are excited to welcome back the victorious 11," stated Carlos Cordeiro, President of the USSF. "Our boys played hard over the past year and we want to reward all the fans who want to come out and watch them take on World Cup teams like Mexico, Brazil, and England."

Insiders with the USSF indicate that the federation needed to make up money after a disastrous World Cup qualifying round where the team wouldn't have been able to defeat a team of kittens with gloves on their paws.

"We need the money," stated one source to The Nutmeg News. "We are using money from the USWNT victory tour to pay for the marketing on this victory tour, so it's important for the USSF to start making that money back."

Initial reviews of the prices on the tickets available indicate that they are appropriately priced for a hellscape, ruinous capitalistic society dedicated to fleecing everyone out of their money.

"I can't wait to contribute back into the federation so we can continue our utter dominance of the Gold Cup," stated online soccer fan Thurston Hubert. "They need more money and I say let's raise ticket prices until they don't sell so we can find the upper limit of the market place! CAPITALISM!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the victory tour rolls on.