CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a post World Cup United States Victory Tour with tickets released now for a hungry public awaiting the return of their conquering heroes.
"We are excited to welcome back the victorious 11," stated Carlos Cordeiro, President of the USSF. "Our boys played hard over the past year and we want to reward all the fans who want to come out and watch them take on World Cup teams like Mexico, Brazil, and England."
Insiders with the USSF indicate that the federation needed to make up money after a disastrous World Cup qualifying round where the team wouldn't have been able to defeat a team of kittens with gloves on their paws.
"We need the money," stated one source to The Nutmeg News. "We are using money from the USWNT victory tour to pay for the marketing on this victory tour, so it's important for the USSF to start making that money back."
Initial reviews of the prices on the tickets available indicate that they are appropriately priced for a hellscape, ruinous capitalistic society dedicated to fleecing everyone out of their money.
"I can't wait to contribute back into the federation so we can continue our utter dominance of the Gold Cup," stated online soccer fan Thurston Hubert. "They need more money and I say let's raise ticket prices until they don't sell so we can find the upper limit of the market place! CAPITALISM!"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the victory tour rolls on.