As The 2018 World Cup Kicks Off, What Are Your Favorite USMNT Players Up To?

With the 2018 World Cup finally kicking off, we with The Nutmeg News decided to take a look at what your favorite players who had a part in the United States v Trinidad and Tobago game are up to on this very auspicious day.

Tim Howard:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Deandre Yedlin:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Omar Gonzalez:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Matt Besler:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jorge Villafana:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Michael Bradley:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Paul Arriola:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Darlington Nagbe:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Christian Pulisic:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Bobby Wood:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jose Altidore:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Clint Dempsey:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Benny Feilhaber:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Kellyn Acosta:

What he is up to: NOTHING

D.C. United Hoping That Blinding Sun In Television Cameras Hides How Bad Team Is This Year

WASHINGTON - Insider sources with D.C. United (a soccer team in Washington D.C.) indicate that recently uncovered news that the position of the stadium and roof line makes the afternoon sun shine into television cameras was actually not a mistake and instead was a conscious effort by the front office to prevent fans from seeing how poor the team is this season as they struggle on and off the field.

We don't need any stupid sun studies!

United, who are currently dead last in the Eastern Conference, have struggled this season as the front office continues to have thirteen jobs done by Ben Olsen including team driver, chef, seat ticket representative, and masseuse. 

"These reporters think that this was a mistake, but in reality this was a decision by the front office to ensure that we don't look bad on national TV," stated one United insider. "You can't hate what you can't see! 9 points! Once they flip the team and sell to a consortium of businessmen from China they will tell them that they need to build a cover over the whole stadium and complete the design."

Fans say that they remain un-surprised by any of this as they continue to find ways to be let down by a front office that has managed to sever much of the good will remaining at the team over the past 10 years.

"I'm just going to keep re-watching that Lewis Neal goal from 6 years ago," stated D.C. United fan Osvaldo Gonzalez. "Ugh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United deny that the sun exists.

FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues

Zurich, CH - After the final announcement was made regarding the destination of the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) indicated that they hoped the World Cup spotlight would force the country to resolve some of their human rights issues over the next 8 years.

"We spoke to the administration of President Trump and he assured us that they would take a look at our concerns," stated President Gianni Infantino to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "This country has 8 years and we will be keeping as close an eye as we have on the World Cup in Qatar."

Insiders with FIFA indicate that the federation was very worried about the United States caging children in detention centers, the poor treatment and working conditions of immigrant and migrant workers, the rise of far right fascist groups, the unsolved and virulent racism, and the gun violence epidemic that has no signs of slowing down.

"We took into consideration the problems with the United States, but decided that money was money and money, money, but money and so much money," stated FIFA secretary Thandie Portnoy. "We already did indentured servitude, homophobia and poor treatment of migrant workers with no rights in Qatar, so moving to the United States really isn't going to be that different."

Sources with the United States claim that you can't paint the country with a broad brush, but they did admit that there's been 23 school shootings so far in 2018 and it's likely only going to get worse in 8 years as the country does absolutely fuck-all to resolve any of their issues.

"We believe that football can bring a country together," stated Infantino. "The spotlight of fair play and code of ethics for which FIFA is famous will shine a light on the United States and encourage reform in the rampant economic divide, racism, and violence that currently courses through the nation."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as .... um..... well.... look, let's just hope that everyone keeps their nukes in their pants for the next 8 years.

Woman Who Can't Plan Dinner Absolutely Ready To Attend World Cup In 8 Years

NEW YORK - Whilst having a difficult time making a decision about whether she can afford to patronize Pão De Queijo or Alnour or Papa's Kitchen or Christina's for dinner, soccer fan Andrea Guzman was reportedly absolutely ready and excited to attend the World Cup in the United States in 8 years.

The only thing you need to understand is FIFA and Coca-Cola!

"I can't wait," tweeted Ms. Guzman who currently doesn't have a job that would allow her to buy a $25 bus ticket to Rockaway Beach. "The games are going to be amazing and so much fun to attend."

Sources say that Guzman is still trying to nail down a career that will let her reach her aspirations as she struggles to make it in New York City on a daily basis.

"Andrea had to borrow money from me to wash her laundry last month," stated good friend Sandra Sahib. "I'm sure she will have it figured out in 8 years, though."

Experts indicate that 8 years is a long time, however they say that it isn't impossible to predict that tickets will be insanely expensive provided there isn't a major world war by that time.

"We expect tickets to be so expensive that we can't even begin to understand their value," stated director of metrics for New York University Carla Abreu. "There may be a cottage industry of indentured servitude or prostitution that will allow for early ticket purchase. Perhaps there will be a way of selling an entire human. We aren't certain. However, what we are certain is that it will be so expensive that if you can't already afford them right now, you won't be able to dream about them 7 years from now either."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in 7 years from the front line of the Eastern Appalachian front where the Democratic Socialist Republic is pushing back on the Grafton Notch front line of the Holy Christian Empire of Patriot Americans.

North Carolina Courage To Release 700 Club Scarf

Cary, NC - In an effort to reach out to both communities in their area, the North Carolina Courage announced today that in addition to their Pride scarf they would also be releasing a two sided 700 Club scarf.

This is going to be some PRIDE event.

The quote is from a Jerry Fallwell interview with Pat Robertson on the 700 club in which he blames the, "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularise America" for the terrorist attacks on New York City.

Insiders with the North Carolina Courage indicate that they had a hard time picking between Falwell's quote on The 700 Club  or the quote from The 700 Club's host himself, Pat Robertson, in which he said that people who had too much plastic surgery, "got the eyes like they're Oriental," whereupon the host on the television program then stretched his eyelids out in approximation of his racist stereotype.

With midfielder Jaelene Hinkle recently appearing on The 700 Club to discuss her opposition to the LGBTQ community, the Courage stated that they were simply trying to appease all members of their fanbase.

Reportedly, the Courage even debated going with the Pat Robertson quote describing his self-advanced conspiracy that allowing Gay marriage will Christians turn to bestiality as the scarf quote stated, "You’re gonna say that you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality,” with the other side stating North Carolina Football Club.

We reached out to the Courage about this but they stated, "nothing we are doing is hurting anyone, we are just being tolerant to absolutely bat-shit insane Christian televangelists who blamed a pact with the devil for Haiti's earthquake and believes that allowing gay marriage will turn Christian's into dog loving sodomites. What's wrong with that?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage debate whether putting Pat Robertson's quote about Muslims being motivated by demonic power will allow them to truly reach both sides.

FIFA Waiting To See If United States, Canada And Mexico End Up In Three Nation War Before Awarding World Cup 2026

Zurich, CH - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) announced that they would delay any World Cup 2026 announcement until they are able to accurately asess whether the three countries attempting a joint bid for the 2026 World Cup would actually turn on each other and send North America reeling into a continental conflagration in the next few years.

United................... SURE you are.

"We know that World Cup 2026 in North America would be a cash cow," stated Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA. "However, given the current rhetoric and acrimony between President Donald Trump, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Enrique Peña Nieto we are waiting to ensure that we don't award the 2026 World Cup to a war ravaged continent on the brink of collapse."

Insiders with the White House indicate that they feel betrayed by FIFA indicating that they recently asked their North American partners to include Russia in the bid, in an effort at expanding the footprint of the World Cup on a global scale.

"We will have the biggest World Cup the world has ever seen if we share the tournament with Moscow," stated one White House insider that The Nutmeg News found out later resigned after it was discovered that he recently ordered 2,000,000,000 used sex dolls for Scott Pruitt at the Environmental Protection Agency.

Officials with Canada and Mexico were reportedly shocked at the whole scenario as they indicated that they weren't certain where all the saber rattling was coming from as they were just trying to get an international soccer tournament inside their own borders.

However, senior Trump officials stated that they were ready to, "bomb the everloving shit out of Ottawa and Guadalajara if they started talking about tariffs and hosting the world cup again." This inflammatory sentiment was not missed by FIFA who reportedly called Monaco in another late night session of planning.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we find an economist and historian who isn't hiding in their bomb shelter.

Chicago Fire Announce Section Ban As They Have Too Many Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a section ban for supporters group Sector Latino as they stated that they have entirely too many fans and that they need to reduce overhead.

We have TENS of fans! TENS. 

"We have a long tradition of being supported by the community in Chicago," stated General Manager Nelson Rodriguez. "So it's important that we reduce the number of fans that we have. We have way too many fans in the stands. We need fewer fans.... or is it less.... Anyway, we just have too many fans and we need to reduce that so that we have less than 5,000 people in the stands."

The Fire experienced attendance after their 2016 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and their 2015 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and the 2014 season where they finished 15th out of 19 teams. 

Insiders with the team say that their recent history of being absolutely terrible is the primary reason why they decided to ban some of their only remaining passionate fans.

"We realized that if we manage to finish bottom of the league again that we will have a surging attendance again," stated one anonymous source. "We can't have the stadium filling up, that means we have more employees to not pay and we can't afford to not pay the employees that we already have."

Fans state that the only season the Fire were decent, recently, was 2017 and that appears to be more of a mirage as the recent history of the Fire is absolute garbage.

"It's amazing that they think it's ok to ban fans for something that those fans didn't even do," stated Chicago fan Tom Rivers. "But this organization has been a dumpster fire since Hauptman took the team over so it really isn't surprising."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team considers just banning all fans.

United States Victory Over France Shows That US Soccer Doesn't Need To Change

Lyon, FR - The United States 1-1 victory over France in their World Cup tune-up was, reportedly, a resounding victory for staying the course stated new U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) President Carlos Cordeiro. 

"This just shows that Sunil Gulati and Thomas Rongen and Bruce Arena were all on the right path towards creating a team that can beat the best," stated Cordeiro in his post victory match quotes.

Insiders with U.S. Soccer state that the monumental victory this close to the 2018 World Cup re-emphasized the work that Bruce Arena did before he gracefully stepped down to let Dave Sarachan take over the reigns.

"We now know that the work that Bruce put in to have this team firing on all cylinders has come to fruition," stated one USSF insider. "Everyone can clearly see that this team is now firing on all cylinders as we defeated France on their own soil. The youth are coming around just as Bruce predicted and not that German guy we don't talk about anymore."

With the future seemingly endlessly bright, fans are starting to show their enthusiasm as World Cup fever struck fans across the United States. 

"We are going to WIN!," stated Dave Willians of Mobile, Alabama."Going to just defeat the crap out of all those other countries. When the hell do the games start?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some things change, trust us.

L.A. Galaxy Acquire LeBron James

LOS ANGELES - The L.A. Galaxy announced on Saturday morning that they signed 33 year old former Cleveland Cavaliers player LeBron James to a 5 year designated player contract using all their available TAM, GAM and trading away all their international roster spots to DC United.

This blockbuster deal comes after the Galaxy and head coach Sigi Schmid admitted that they weren't getting enough production in the midfield.

"We felt that we needed a better number 10 in the midfield that could control the game," stated Schmid to The Nutmeg News. "LeBron's ability to split the defense with passes and see the court will absolutely extend to the game of soccer and we are happy to have him here until he decides to retire in a year or two."

As far as tactics go, Schmid said he was taking it one game at a time as he expects, "LeBron will just um... go over .... there and um.... do... a pass thing to someone up top. It'll all work out."

Sources close to Mr. James indicate that the former Cavaliers star saw this as a way to extend his career as he indicated, "At least in soccer my team isn't going to let me down...... right?"

Fans were reportedly over the moon about this decision as many of them couldn't believe that they acquired the former NBA Champion.

"This is bullshit, right?" stated Jerry Evans of Silver Lake. "Bron is coming here to retire, just like Zlatan. I am not excited for this crap at all," stated the excited fan.

Sportswriters across the blogosphere were also thrilled as this finally allowed them to write their long held, "what if the best athlete's in the United States played soccer," columns with the first Bleacher Report article titled -- LOOK OUT WORLD! WE GOT NEXT! -- to be published on Sunday morning. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LeBron attends his first practice and demands more time on the ball.

"I'm Not Disagreeing With You," States Man On Reddit Who Is Disagreeing With You

INTERNET - Reddit user u/DarnItHenry was reportedly told, "I'm not disagreeing with you," by u/MagillaGorilla6969 after the user disagreed with him on his interpretation of the New York Cosmos, promotion/relegation, and the structure of US Soccer on Thursday morning.

"Listen bro, I'm not disagreeing with you, really," stated MagillaGorilla6969 as they laid out a bullet point list of all the places that they disagreed with DarnItHenry. "We agree on what you are talking about, you just aren't understanding what I'm saying."

Reportedly, DarnItHenry got online to check on his daily news, upvote a few pictures of kittens and go about his day before he was pulled into an eternal suckfest conversation on the topic of US Soccer.

"I regret everything," stated DarnItHenry as he attempted to somehow close out the tabs on his browser, forget even engaging in the first place and try to find some kind of inner peace while understanding that he was being eviscerated by an anonymous dickhead in the comments section of a thread read by hundreds of nerds, nationwide

"I'm just saying that you aren't wrong and that I agree with you except for your entire premise," stated MagillaGorilla6969 again as he sent a private message to DarnItHenry that contained 13 separate links from other blogs that tenously supported a position somewhat tangential to his original point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 3 years from now MagillaGorilla6969 brings up that time, "when DarnItHenry was so wrong, bro."

Louisville City Avoid Cupset As The USL Champion Advances Over Reserve Side New England Revolution

Louisville, KY - Defending USL Champion Louisville City Football Club knocked reserve side New England Revolution out of the US Open Cup to advance on Tuesday night as fans flocked to Lynn Stadium to watch the local team perform.

Photo: The Enquirer/Kareem Elgazzar)

"It was a tough game, but we showed our quality," stated Louisville City head coach James O'Connor. "We knew that the Revolution would come in with a chip on their shoulder, but we just had to weather the storm and show why we are the defending USL Champion."

With a squad that boasted some former MLS players in Andrew Farrell and Scott Caldwell, the upstart Revolution attempted to take the game to Louisville City and had some success as they forced an own goal early. However the quality from the reigning USL Champions was on full display as they easily closed out the US Open Cup game and sent the Revolution home to lick their wounds.

"It was a tough game, but they are a champion for a reason," stated Revolution head coach, IT director, merchant services director, advertising executive, and team bus driver Brad Friedel. "We put out a lineup we thought could compete with them, but they were just too strong in the end."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Louisville City continues their run through the US Open Cup.

Earnie Stewart Leaves Philadelphia Union For US Soccer After 3 Extraordinarily Successful Seasons

Chester, PA - The Philadelphia Union announced today that sporting director Earnie Stewart will be departing for US Soccer after 3 extraordinarily successful seasons in charge of the Union.

Since his hire in 2015, the Union finished in 6th in 2016 and 8th in 2017 making the playoffs once. They are currently in 7th place in the Eastern Conference with an overall record of 5 wins 6 losses and 3 draws. The highlight of Stewart's reign was a 3-1 loss to Toronto during the 2016 MLS Cup playoffs.

Union fans say that they will miss his player acquisitions as they grew accustomed watching luminaries like Anderson Conceiçao take the league by storm.

"We wish Earnie the best of success," stated Union owner Jay Sugarman. "We only hope that he keeps up the high standards that he had with the Union as he transitions into the international scene."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart attempts to acquire MLS International Superstar Landon Donovan from Mexico.

The 2018 World Cup Guide For The Economically Anxious Voter

Soccer is generally thought of as a liberal sport for flouncy suburbanites too effete for football. It’s been insulted by great lawmakers like Jack Kemp and esteemed political theorists like Ann Coulter. Still, conservative, patriotic Americans can surely rally around the play of the US National Teams - er, well, even if they aren’t in the World Cup, America’s great allies are in the tournament and one of them winning the trophy would be just as good as the Stars and Stripes doing it. So put on your MAGA hat and get to know which of America’s friends to support in Russia.

AND ONE MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT!

Saudi Arabia -

We already have some shared values.

The country fighting a war in Yemen with weapons bought from the USA killing hundreds of thousands of civilians and causing a famine that may end the lives of a million people. Plus they’re rivals with Qatar, the country that stole what was rightfully America’s when they won the right to host the 2022 World Cup. Sure, the Saudi royal family had links to Osama Bin-Laden and helped finance ISIS, but they also supported the US in Iraq and Afghanistan and look at how well that turned out.

Mexico -

Everyone knows that only the United States gets to be all hyper protective and nationalistic about the land they stole from the people that stole it from the other people who were already there.

USMNT fans are extremely secure in one thing as a Soccer Nation, their relationship with Mexico as rivals. As a country that took over half of Mexico’s territory after the Mexican-American War of 1848, it is only natural that USMNT supporters should extend that Manifest Destiny as soccer fans and support Mexico in the World Cup. It is almost as if the USA is in the tournament by proxy. Plus, backing Mexico would enable US fans to support a team that can win more than one game in a World Cup for the first time in 16 years. One Nation, One Team indeed!

England -

We are certain he would get along with those, "Fine people," in Charlottesville, as the President of the United States called them.

A reactionary country isolating itself from the rest of the world that blames foreigners and racial, ethnic, and religious minorities for all of its social problems that is fixated on the number of its citizens who play in its domestic league relative to the number of international players in it? Sign us up! There’s the added benefit of probably being able to locate some long lost relative from the hamlet of Cleeve, Somerset or Godric’s Hollow that will enable Americans to claim an authentic link to the country.

France -

This person would feel right at home at a Cleveland Indians or Washington Redskins game.

Ah yes, France. The country that gave America a navy and financial backing so that they could win independence from Britain all by themselves. France, with its socialism and odd fixation on giving its citizens a good quality of life, seems like a strange country for Americans to support. However, France is a country that should appeal to soccer fans that are new to the sport. While most soccer supporters in the US fashion themselves as liberal pseudo-anarchists what with their flags and cool smoke flares, France offers Americans on the right of the political spectrum a unique opportunity to identify with being able to support a country with a loud and increasingly popular xenophobic segment of the country that proclaims grievances about the diversity of its national team as an indication of something that French culture has lost to its formerly colonized people at the expense of traditional Frenchmen who seem fated to one day suffer at the hands of would be "white-genocide" conspirators.

Iceland -

It's just like a young Republicans convention.

While more of a former ally after the Keflavik air-base closed at the end of the Cold War, Iceland is a model country for many Americans that fantasize about creating an ethnically homogeneous national team while crediting that aspect of the island’s soccer success without understanding the massive public infrastructure and social values around sports that helped Iceland reach the World Cup for the first time. But don’t think about that, just do the viking clap, it’s fun!

Russia -

I 

I BELIEVE

I BELIEVE THE 

I BELIEVE THE TAPE 

I BELIEVE THE TAPE IS REAL!

Say “Здравствуйте” (hello) to the brothers in excessive nationalism, failed invasions of Afghanistan, a deeply ingrained history of racism, and enforced military parades through the capital! How could America not love a country that interferes in elections, assassinates political dissidents, harasses journalists, and invades countries under dubious justifications for human rights and security? An authoritarian ethno-state might be the best fit for any fan looking to support a new national team this summer.

And look, friend, if none of these ideas work for you just remember you can always just watch football, soccer is for cucks.

NPSL Player Now With Better Finances Than NPSL Team

Des Moines, IA - After receiving an offer to work part-time at Hy-Vee Food Stores, NPSL player Luis Lopez can confirm that he now has better finances than the NPSL team for which he plays.

CATCH THE FIRE.... Wait......

Lopez, who plays for local NPSL side the "fighting" Des Moines Caucus, was reportedly giddy at the prospect of financial stability as he stated, "For the first time in a long time I have a net positive cash flow and future earnings potential, Thank god almighty that I'm won't be in debt anymore and I'm not looking to shift money around in order to make payments on my apartment."

Sources with the Caucus indicate that they reached out to Lopez to see if he could help them with a few bills in a partial sponsorship role now that he has some cash to inject into the team.

However, a reluctant Lopez turned the team down stating, "If I wanted to be broke, I'd own an NPSL team. You guys do the work, I do the playing, lets keep it that way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a $5 bill dropped by Lopez in the locker room allows the Fighting Caucus to keep playing one more year.

"Nowhere In The Bible Does It Say I Can't Make Money Off The Decades Of Work Put In By Soccer Playing Lesbians That I Think Are Going To Hell," States @jaehinkle_15

Cary, NC - In a wide ranging interview allegedly conducted by The Nutmeg News, cafeteria Christian Jaelene HInkle stated, " Nowhere in the Bible does it say that I can't make money off the decades of work put in by soccer playing lesbians that I think are definitely going to hell."

Hinkle seen here on the 700 Club asking for her fans to purchase a new private jet for her so that she can serve witness like scam artist Creflo Dollar. 

According to our reporter, the North Carolina Courage player stated, "I checked the Bible. I looked in Leviticus and I looked in Acts. I even looked in Revelations. There's a lot in there about hating the Gays and Lesbians; and for some reason there's a lot in there about menstruation. However, there's nothing in there that says I can't profit off the works of these hellbound heathens. Without all the hard working Lesbians and other women that struggled for years to create a credible domestic league and vibrant international competition I wouldn't even have an opportunity to play soccer so I'm glad they did that before they are tortured for all eternity in the pits of hell for their chosen behavior."

With the controversy of not playing for the US Women's National Team still up for interpretation Hinkle explained her decision by stating, "Rainbows turn you gay. It's in Exodus somewhere, trust me. Especially if you wear rainbow numbers. Look, if you even glance at a rainbow number and watch Megan Rapinoe make a cross within 5 minutes you are buying a KD Lang compact disc and watching DIY videos on youtube."

Hinkle was adamant about her interpretation of her God stating, "God (and a team of surgeons BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT, OK?! IT WAS GOD) healed my leg so I could play soccer and voice my opposition to Gay and Lesbian people. Who am I to judge that miracle? It's a miracle! It truly is! God healed my leg so I can bear witness to millions about my dislike of Lesbians! It's a MIRACLE!"

Hinkle finished her interview by stating, "It's not that I don't appreciate all the hard work by the multitude of women that came before me, It's just that I pity them and know they are getting to be tortured in the fires of hell. Meanwhile, I can make some money off them and boost my profile on the 700 club, which totally isn't a scam at all but please do give money now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hinkle announces that she will start a ministry that reaches out to underprivileged youth via a BRAND NEW PRIVATE JET!

Seattle Sounders Finally Carry MLS Cup Winning Form Into Regular Season

Seattle, WA - Long after winning MLS Cup in 2016 with a sterling defensive position and penalty kicks, the Seattle Sounders were finally able to carry their MLS Cup winning form into the regular season as they started 2018 without scoring a single goal in three games and only scoring 7 goals in 10 games.

"This style brought them MLS Cup," stated long time fan and part time blogger Heather Quimby. "As fans, we hoped to see a championship team during the entirety of the regular season, and finally we are seeing that championship form."

Some passionate fans claim that this particular style isn't what they meant, but many supporters stated repeatedly that they didn't care about the style... only the results.

"I don't care if my team wins a game 1-0 with 0 shots and 1 pk or if they win a game 4-3 with 23 shots as long as they win," stated Sounders fan Randy Evans of Tacoma. "The problem is that they aren't winning, at this moment. We don't need to score goals to win, we just need to win. But if we win without scoring goals, I'm fine."

Those views are, apparently, in the minority as the run of games without a goal called into mind the previous glory in 2016 when the Sounders lifted MLS Cup.

"It's only three games, but I'm basking in the remembrance of our MLS Cup win," stated Dan Thurgood as he adjusted his 2016 MLS Cup Champions scarf. "There's plenty of time to play better, but I'm going to go Youtube to watch the highlights of the championship celebration and victory parade."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans start encouraging players to look for penalty kick opportunities and a stronger defensive effort.

FAKE FAN ALERT: This Woman Doesn't Know Who Scored The Second Goal In The 1914 National Challenge Cup Final

LOS ANGELES - Local man, Stephen Brown, admitted that he was shocked to find out that local woman and supposed soccer fan Maggie Depaul didn't know all the esoteric statistics from 104 years ago that would prove she deserves his respect with regards to soccer.

She couldn't even name all the players in this photo! WHAT A RUBE.

"This woman doesn't know who scored the second goal in the 1914 National Challenge Cup and at which minute it was scored and which foot he used to score the goal," stated an exasperated Brown to good friend Eli Whittle. "How the hell can she call herself a soccer fan if she doesn't know the statistics from every single Challenge Cup final. It's practically the base level of knowledge needed to operate in the United States."

Brown reportedly came at Ms. Whittle after finding out that she was recently employed as a social media consultant for a local soccer team.

Bombastically stating that she was a, "know nothing pretty face who couldn't explain the offiside rule," Mr. Brown consistently attempted to undermine the expertise of Ms Depaul on a daily basis in an effort to prove that she was really just using the game to get ahead as he plugged his new blog www.BrownOnSoccerHistory.com.

We reached out to Ms. Depaul who stated, "I've played the game since I was young and I've always loved soccer. I shouldn't need to prove that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the history of the game in order to run a Twitter account about a soccer brand."

None of this swayed Stephen Brown as he relentlessly badgered her with questions about the validity of the Soccer Wars, the exact number of goals scored by Billy Gonsalves in 1926, and whether Garrincha was better than Pele based upon these 10 historical videos that she better have watched.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brown bemoans the lack of women that enjoy soccer.

MLS Exploring FC Cincinnati Move To Detroit

Cincinnati, OH - After annnouncing that they accepted FC Cincinnati's bid to become an MLS team, Major League Soccer (MLS) also announced that they would explore moving the new side to Detroit.

"We aren't beholden to the Cincinnati brand," stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. "We just wanted the infrastructure and the colors. The town and fans are unimportant, we will make that happen."

Sources with the league indicate that MLS is divesting any investment into Ohio stating that the league is, "Not interested in podunk cities with rubes who'll buy our stuff like Columbus or Cincinnati."

According to a released league memo, Cincinnati was immeidately short listed for the move after it was discovered that there aren't enough billionaires in the Ohio area to facilitate the spending habits of the league.

"They are terrified of ending up with another Columbus," stated one source. "So they are going to move them right off the bat. If Detroit doesn't work out, then they will move FC Cincinnati to Las Vegas."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Cincinnati fans are blamed for the lackluster turnout to their MLS announcement. 

"Americans Won't Support Mexico," States Confident White Man

Lincoln, NE - Confident in the absolutely conviction of his belief, white man Tyler Richardson stated, "Americans won't support Mexico," after seeing the recent Sports Illustrated cover about the Mexican National Team in the world cup.

"Americans, as everyone knows, are white bros who like to get down and party," stated Richardson to The Nutmeg News. "And there's no way that one of my bros is gonna root for Mexico. NO. WAY, BRO."

According to recent statistics, the population of the United States is roughly 325.7 million and Richardson was confident that he spoke for all of them with his declaration.

"My bro Cody and my bro Zander stated that they wouldn't root for Mexico and my bros Andy and Josiah? Yeah they ain't gonna root for Mexico. We all pledged Sigma Nu back in 2013 so they have my back."

Despite 17% of the 325 million Americans being Hispanic or Latino, Richardson remained steadfast in his belief as he stated, "We all knew this guy from Argentina or some shit named Guillermo and there's no way he would support Mexico either. Guillermo the bro ain't gonna go for no Mexico and you can quote me on that." Even after being told that there are are an estimated 33.7 million Americans of Mexican descent in the United States, Richardson remained confident.

"That's all fake news, bro. Those Mexicans will root for America because they don't like their country. America IS THE BEST, BRO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we find out that Guillermo Calaveras is from Guatemala.

US Fan Planning 2022 World Cup Victory Parade After Friendly Win Against Bolivia

Boston, MA - US fan Paul Smith stated that he was already planning the 2022 World Cup Victory parade after the United States men won their recent friendly against Bolivia, on Monday. 

Like this but with Flag Capes and "Build A Wall" chants.

"TRES A CERO," posted Smith to his Facebook page religiously as he began planning what the parade to celebrate the victory in 2022 would look like. "Absolutely NOTHING can go wrong now in the next 4 and a half years! We are on a collision course with DESTINY!"

According to friends, Smith was disgusted with the performances of the US Team leading up to the missed World Cup in Russia. However it appears that this disgust vanished as soon as the United States won as he was last seen vigorously waving an American flag in front of his duplex and wearing a pair of American flag board shorts while screaming out "USA ain't nothing to fuck with."

Our reporters spoke with Mr. Smith's supervisor at Wingz in Brighton who stated that Mr. Smith had called in sick, on Tuesday, after reportedly coming down with a case of the, "Patriotic Flu."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith tells everyone about this new crop of players that just can't fail that you can watch play meaningful games in 2 or 3 more years.