New Study Indicates 9 Out Of 10 Women Don't Understand Offsides Rule

A new study committed by the Institute of Useless Things in Dayton, Ohio indicates that 9 out of 10 women don't understand the Offsides Rule. 

"Are you shitting me with this shit?"

Our reporters spoke to several women in the United States, who would return our phone calls, and asked them about the Offsides Rule and what they don't understand about it, with the following results.

"What is the offsides rule and is it like the offside rule?" asks Laura Billing, a know-nothing supporter of Minnesota United. "Guys always ask me if I know the offsides rule and I roll my eyes at them because there's nothing like overaggressive and incorrect gatekeeping to represent your gender in idiocy."

We spoke to soccer fan, rec-league referee and dog-fancy subscriber Bethany Jones of Santa Clara who stated, "Offsides? I don't know that one. If you are going to talk about the sport, why don't you use the correct terminology? How is this that difficult to understand? It is OFFSIDE... OFFSIDE..... for the love of god."

Jasmine Sinclair, a soccer supporter, librarian and fan of Hey Arnold, stated, "If you are going to come at me with this offsides garbage then you need to, right now, name 15 starters in the NWSL that aren't national team members. I bet you don't even know all the names of the teams."

Clearly the respondents are a small sample size, but the above statements show that, in-fact, all three women we spoke with had zero understanding of the Offsides Rule.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the investigation into the Offsides Rule, throw ins and that drunk idiot behind you in the stands that knows all the rules.

 

Supporter With Bedazzled Vest Not Certain Why Flair Is Banned In USL

Las Vegas, NV - Las Vegas Lights supporter Tiffany Hobb was reportedly flummoxed by talk about the league banning flair as she had no issue bringing in her bedazzled vest to the match against Swope Park Rangers on Saturday.

Like this, but more punk..... and with a head.

"I told my friends that I was going to bring a little bit of flair with me on Saturday and they all freaked out," stated Ms. Hobb. "The kept insisting I was going to get kicked out of the game. I don't know why it was so exciting for them, but they kept asking me what time I was going to, 'start the show.' They couldn't believe it when I said that I'd have it out for the entire game."

Hobb, reportedly, sat resplendent in her Swarovski Crystal emblazoned jean-jacket vest with appropriately placed Social Distortion and X patches for the entirety of the match without being accosted by security or being thrown out of the match.

She stated, "See! It wasn't a big deal," before attempting to see if there was a Lights patch available that she could sew onto her vest at a later date.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hobb is removed for cursing at a Llama.

STILL No Canadian Teams Entered As Discrimination Continues In The 105th US Open Cup

Soccer teams from Canada were, reportedly, outraged as the rampant discrimination in the US Open Cup tournament continued for the 105th year with the announcement that not one single Canadian team made the tournament.

Halifax men's soccer teams Athens Too and Metro Mariners FC stated that they complied with every necessary requirement to enter the tournament only to grievously be overlooked for the United States championship.

"We are a strong Canadian team from Halifax. We aren't going to be afraid of some MLS team with their money," stated Mariners player John Jorgenson. "Just wait til they have to come here to play a game, then we will show them how to play."

Calls to US Soccer were not answered as The Nutmeg News searched for reasons as to why there is such discrimination against Canadian teams.

"We don't know why this keeps happening," stated director of Timbit procurement for Athens Too Stephen Harper. "We just know that one day a Canadian team will have a chance to play for the US Open Cup if we just keep working at it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we chase down an answer from US Scocer on their rampant discrimination.

CONCACAF Announces Hell In A Cell Rematch For Toronto FC And Club America

MIAMI - After last night's rumble on the frozen shores of Lake Ontario, the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) announced an immediate Hell In A Cell rematch scheduled for April 10th.

OH. MAH. GAWD.... HE GENTLY PUSHED HIM OVER WITH A NUDGE IN THE BACK!

HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

"These two notorious brawlers aren't done yet," stated director of programming for CONCACAF, Shane McDowell. "Club America asked for a rematch and Toronto agreed. We will have a Hell In A Cell match in the luxurious Estadio Azteca. All rules are off as these two legends battle to determine once and for all who the preeminent side is in a competition that is moderately important for Club America but very important for Toronto FC."

McDowell indicated that CONCACAF legend and Count Chocula cosplay enthusiast Baldomero Toledo expressed interest in refereeing the bout but was disqualified due to being a current referee in MLS. Instead, Uzbek referee Ravshan Irmatov will take the reins and he informed both teams that no holds would be barred.

"SHIT IS GONNA GET WILD," stated America fan Carlos Gutierrez. "Although I hope that my buddy Paulo doesn't piss in a water bottle to throw at players. That was gross."

Sources with the Secretaría de Seguridad Pública de la ciudad de México indicate that both teams will be kept from each other in the tunnels unless they want to record a promo gone wrong opportunity where Miguel Herrera bursts into the TFC locker room and choke slams Greg Vanney through a conveniently clean table.

"We expect the best professionalism out of both teams," stated McDowell. "This isn't going to be like the Big Show on the mic. We expect something better out of both of these teams."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Giovinco walks onto the field in a Lucha Libre mask.

Physicists Say That Schrödinger's Zlatan Neither Proves Nor Disproves MLS Success

GENEVA - Physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider project for CERN state that the proposed thought problem of Schrödinger's Zlatan neither proves nor disproves the success of Major League Soccer (MLS).

See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

"There is not possibility for us to know whether the league is alive or not alive by the inclusion of Zlatan," stated director of Physics, Applied Mathematics and Astral Projection Thom Bjorstson. "The thought exercise indicates that Major League Soccer exists in all forms, both dead and alive, thus proving that it exists in every state."

According to theoretical chemist and Fortnite streamer Kevin "Big Kev" Anderson, Zlatan proves that the league is a retirement league as he elucidated in a 45 minute rant in a video with 332 views.

However, scientists say that it is impossible to know the condition of the league without violating the rules of the thought experiment and that it shows that the league exists in all forms.

"We must be careful of the Zeno effect," stated Mr. Bjorstson. "If we look at the league too much it will accelerate the changes speeding up the opinion of the growth of the league or showing that it is declining. IT's important to keep Schrödinger's Zlatan as the thought experiment that it is without getting too much into that parallel universe shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heisenberg's uncertainty principle explains the limit of expected goals.

"Soccer For All" Campaign Accused Of Being Unfair To Racists

The recent Major League Soccer anti-bigotry campaign of "Soccer For All" has been accused of being unfair to racists and bigots that might otherwise enjoy soccer.

"This is absolutely the MLS being unfair to me and my friends," stated noted racist, Youtube conspiracy streamer, and waste of human flesh Jim "Boss Hawgged" Dirfle. "I don't watch sports for politics, so you keep your leftist liberal communist ways away from my soccer. If I want to watch soccer and be racist, I'm gonna do it."

With the league heavily invested in anti-bigotry campaigns, over the years, a small number of fans claim that these initiatives are keeping them from enjoying another season of MLS because they are horrible people who think that they should be able to be racist all the time.

"If I can't watch a game and scream slurs at players I hate, then why even play the games at all," stated bigot Allie Mcraw.

"There should be a place for racist people and bigots where we can express ourselves at the stadium, but these snowflakes are determined to keep us from offending those delicate sensibilities," stated racist Jimmy Jim Jimmerson. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as extreme right-wing fans interpret this anti-bigotry campaign as an attack on themselves, which is a very curious thing... because it seems like the only reason you would be against a "soccer for all" campaign is if you didn't think soccer was for everyone.

Loaded Totchos Do Nothing To Salvage Indy Eleven Loss

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Andrea Gusforth stated that the loaded totchos she picked up at halftime of the recent Indy Eleven - FC Cincinnati game did nothing to salvage the 1-0 loss.

TOTCHOS - Or Loaded Tots - Either/Or. ... Oh... are we going to argue this point? Fine. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS.

"My hope was that purchasing the loaded tots would lead to a victory," stated Ms. Gusforth to The Nutmeg News. "This strategy worked once before, so I was guaranteed that a comeback was going to happen. However, it did not."

Sources from around Ms. Gusforth indicate that her commitment to the Holy Loaded Totcho was only rivaled by her commitment to casting salt over her left shoulder and twirling her scarf in a clockwise (NOT COUNTER) fashion. 

"I'm not superstitious," argued Ms. Gusforth. "But I won't be buying those totchos again. For they have forsaken me in my time of need. WHY, TOTCHO? WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! These TOTCHOS did nothing to salvage this loss! Their fried goodness dried in my mouth like ashes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Gusforth switches to a blessed sacrament of the holy hotdog.

Thrilled Daniel Steres Celebrates Easter By Hugging God

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy defender Daniel Steres admitted that he was trilled to celebrate Easter by hugging Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

"I had an up and down game, but I really enjoyed getting that hug," stated Steres to The Nutmeg News after the 4-3 Galaxy win over LAFC. 

"I'm not certain there was ever a period in my life where I believed I was going to hug god, but here we are."

Family stated that a young Steres never stated anything, when he was younger, about hugging Ibrahimovic.

"Daniel was a confident player but I'm not certain that he ever saw himself arm in arm with the almighty..... but here we are," stated good friend Brad Emmert.

We spoke to Zlatan about the hug and he had the following to say, "Of course one should be interested in a hug from me. Zlatan's hugs are life."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Zlatan fails to remember who any of his teammates are after the game.

3000 Person Stand Built Just For LAFC Owners Nears Completion

LOS ANGELES - A 3000 person stand built just for their owners at Los Angeles Football Club's new stadium nears completion as the new MLS side prepares for their eventual first game in the Banc of California Stadium.

A portion of Los Angeles Football Club's ownership group.

The stand was built to allow a portion of the ownership group of LAFC to attend home matches and will function as a hierarchical sorting mechanism for club importance.

"The stand will indicate the person that is more important in terms of ownership," stated LAFC public relations executive Paula Aberdeen. "The lower you sit to the field, the more important your voice is to the club. The higher up you set, the less valid your feelings are on recent trades, acquisitions and financial matters."

LAFC reportedly spent additional funds to build the new super structure capable of supporting part of the ownership group, while ensuring tight controls over who is able to attend.

"For our tier 4 owners, they are not allowed to attend a game until they complete an onboarding program, achieve the necessary levels, complete their psychiatric audit, and find a small token hidden under West Hardy street between Inglewood and La Brea."

Sources within the club indicate that bidding rights for the seats in the new stand are at an all time high with many owners claiming some long distance relation to Peter Guber and Will Ferrell, "... you know... from his improv days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the owners as they bring on an additional 2000 members with a discussion about expanded seating.

Christen Press To Forgo Making Money In Sweden Due To Fan Demands

Göteborg, Sweden - A remorseful Christen Press announced that she would be returning to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) after receiving a number of imbecilic fan demands on Twitter.

"It was pointed out to me that my main duty in life is to appease the United States super fans that are very, very upset," stated Press at her press conference. "I apologize for attempting to have control of my life and make my own decisions. I admit that Becky from Long Island who said that I was a, 'total diva,' is 100% correct and I will return to the NWSL."

Press was, reportedly, unhappy with a surprise trade to the Houston Dash and took her right as a human being to make her own decision in life and go play in Sweden, a move that angered irrational fans across the United States.

"SHE DOESNT HAVE FREE WILL," stated Jessica Haverdill of Boston, MA. "SHE WILL DO WHAT WE SAY SHE WILL DO. SHE BELONGS TO US. I DEMAND SHE PLAYS IN THE NWSL. I DEMAND THAT SHE PLAY FOR THE DASH. I DEMAND THAT SHE SEND ME HAIR SAMPLES AND CALL ME THREE TIMES A WEEK. I DEMAND THAT SHE CO-AUTHOR MY FAN FICTION THAT STARS HER."

While the Tumblr and Twitter sphere was reportedly full of livid fans who couldn't wait to dump on Ms. Press, some fans think that they may have gone too far.

"These fans are crazy," said one anonymous fan who refused to be identified because they didn't want to receive a  shedload of tweets, emails and attempted doxxing from a tiny portion of the USWNT fanbase that is just completely fucking nuts. "Now you need to understand that they are very miniscule portion of the overall fans of Women's Soccer, but still.... wow. I would love to see her play in the NWSL, but she is her own person. If Christen Press wants to play in Sweden, who am I to tell her no?"

In a strongly worded and acted rebuttal, a Twitter user @PressStan4USWNTMorganLyfe attempted to hack our email accounts and obtain our transcripts with the anonymous fan while simultaneously swearing out a lifetime vendetta for anyone that would not realize that Press belongs in the NWSL and the United States will win the World Cup.

The Nutmeg News.will have more on this as we go into the witness protection program.

"Zlatan Is Old As Shit!" States 38 Year Old Man

Oklahoma City, OK - 38 year old soccer fan Frank Stewart stated, "Zlatan is old as shit!" to friends, on Sunday.

He's practically ancient!

The 36 year old Ibrahimovic signed with LA Galaxy for the rest of the year irritating the 38 year old Stewart who only knows that Zlatan has, "been around forever," and, "Didn't he retire already?"

Friends say that Stewart was irrationally upset that the league would pay an over the hill player so much money to come here and retire. 

"I just can't believe that they are even paying him a million dollars," ranted Stewart to our reporter. "It's ridiculous that some over the hill has been is getting paid anything to join MLS. They need to have the youth come in and get rid of the old legacy players."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart looks for a new job that will pay him what he feels that he is worth as an experienced professional.

Tampa Man Excited To Watch National Team In The 2018 World Cup

Tampa, FL - Tampa native Oscar Todd stated that he was excited to watch the national team in the 2018 World Cup as he looked forward to the opening game where the national team will take on Saudi Arabia.

"I believe that we can take down Saudi Arabia and if they don't take them down we will go get their oil," stated Todd to The Nutmeg News. "All jokes aside, I'm looking forward to see what Cherchesov does with our center backs and whether Miranchuk can actually score."

"I'm a big believer that we will be able to do well at this World Cup," stated Todd to his conspiracy theory subreddit where he frequently writes historical fiction about an alternate world 4th Reich. "I think we have the players, and I think we have the spirit. I'm hoping for a great result."

Todd admitted that he was never really a soccer fan but the chance to combine his extreme patriotism with jingoistic race baiting meant that the World Cup was a perfect opportunity to explore the beautiful game.

"I'm excited to watch the games as they unfold and I plan on covering what this means for my people."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Todd starts on his new fiction post titled, "Global Super Power: the rise of the Russian United States."

 

"It's Important For Me To Obsessively Follow And Report Every Single Nuance Of Major League Soccer If I'm Going To Show Why You Shouldn't Obsessively Follow This League"

Salt Lake City, UT - Stating, "I refuse to support the cartel of MLS," soccer fan Peter Hill reportedly spent the entirety of the last two years cataloging and belittling the league to further his point that no one should follow Major League Soccer.

Follow my instagram account to learn more about tactics.

"I watched nearly every game this season just so I could make gifs of all the horrible play and pick apart all their so-called talent," stated Hill to The Nutmeg News. "It's important for me to obsessively follow and report on every single nuance of Major League Soccer if I'm going to show why you shouldn't obsessively follow this league."

According to friends, Hill frequently re-tweets league figures, spokesman, and sources from his locked Twitter account so that he can belittle and abuse them privately without fear of getting into a conversation with fans of teams in the Major League Soccer.

"For a guy that doesn't like Major League Soccer he spends an inordinate amount of time tweeting and talking about it," stated good friend Jacob Hughes. "I like Peter, but his online persona is just toxic."

Hill emailed our staff a manifesto indicating why all good soccer fans in the United States should rise up against the shackles of numbing corporate conformity complete with detailed crowd statistics and financial projections for the league failing.

"It's important to know your enemy so I plan to continue doing nothing but talking about the league even though I hate it passionately," stated Hill

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hill experiments with buying merchandise and season tickets from Real Salt Lake so that he can complain about their purchasing methodology, manufacturer and overall lack of authenticity.

MK Ultra Volunteers To Be Capo

Kansas City, KS - Jim "WALDO" Lauderdale, a Sporting Kansas City MK Ultra, reportedly volunteered to be a capo so that he could experiment on his control the crowd and their experiences.

"I BELIEVE

 

........well, I really don't....."

 

*CAPO RAISES HANDS*

 

"OHHHHHH SHIT! I BELIEVE!"

"I'm testing a theory that doses of beer will allow me to impose my will on them and get them to sing whatever I want," stated Lauderdale to The Nutmeg News. "I believe that I can control the crowd. I believe that I can swing them to do what I want. This will be my testing ground."

Declassified information from Lauderdale's blog www.blogspot.tumblr.excite.prodigy.crossfitaddictfroyo4lyfe.com indicate that he would utilize numerous methods to manipulate the crowd's mental state in order to get them to sing louder.

"I plan on staring angrily DIRECTLY into their eyes," detailed Lauderdale in his blog post on 3/18/2018 titled Crowd Manipulation and the Deep, Deep State. "I then plan on using my arms.... and my hands if necessary. I plan on really vigorously using my hands. If hands aren't eliciting the correct amount of passion I plan on engaging my fingers, as well. If my arms fail then I'll use my head or pelvis to control their minds. There's many options that I can utilize to enforce group mind control methodology."

According to supporters who stand in the Cauldron, Lauderdale was repeatedly seen over the last few matches of 2017 scribbling in a notepad and furtively looking around wearing sunglasses regardless of the game time.

"He's a weird guy," stated SKC fan Darren Coleman. "but if he is a Capo I'll follow his.......SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST........ok, wait... I blacked out, what was I saying?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lauderdale exerts his willpower over the crowd.

Major League Soccer Announces Zlatan Ibrahimovic Will Be All Star Game Starter And Captain

LOS ANGELES - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that newly signed Galaxy player Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be a 2018 All Star Game Starter and Captain for the game against Juventus.

Jon Shard/LA Galaxy

"Zlatan has impressed everyone with his work rate and commitment to the league over the past few hours. He deservedly made the All Star Game in a secret vote that happened about 30 seconds ago," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "We know that Zlatan will continue to bring excellence to the Galaxy and be a great representative for the league over the next 10 years."

Despite past events cluing fans in that this will absolutely happen, they still managed to be amazed that MLS would do something like this only a few hours after officially announcing the player.

"At the very least they should've made certain he can play ONE game," stated Orlando City fan Mike Guzman. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens because it DEFINITELY is going to happen.

LA Galaxy Sign Ibrahimović - Negotiations With Ibrahimovic's Knee Ligaments Still Ongoing

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy announced, today, that they signed 36 year old Swedish international Zlatan Ibrahimović to a contract. The Galaxy also reported that negotiations with Ibrahimovic's severely damaged ACL and PCL are still ongoing.

We are HEADING TO LA!

"We were able to obtain the man," stated CEO Tim Leiweke. "Now all we have to do is sign his new ligaments."

Reportedly, Zlatan's PCL is holding out for a higher contract rate and more massage time while his ACL gave in on several issues.

"Don't look at me," stated the Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL). "I'm not the one holding up the process. That's the job of the PCL. You ask him why he hasn't signed yet."

The Nutmeg News attempted to reach the PCL but we were told that we would need to get permission from Zlatan's tibia, first.

We spoke to Dr. Robert Taylor of the Des Moines Institute of Bone Stuff and he had the following to say, "As long as the subject isn't engaging in any quick and agile movements during a sporting/athletic endeavor they shouldn't suffer any long term issues. I wouldn't recommend soccer, for example, to a client of mine after this surgery."

When asked if he would sign a soccer player to a contract after such an issue Mr. Taylor stated, "I didn't go to four years of medical school to be called Mr," and hung up the phone.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan-mania sweeps across the league.

Area Man Unable To Give Opinion On Anything After Internet Goes Down

Seattle, WA - Area man Jerrod Lietz found that he was unable to give an opinion on anything after his internet went down, on Wednesday.

Ok, does anyone have a phone or tablet I could borrow for this conversation?

Stating, "I'm very certain that...a ....3-4...3? Would... um... um.... I'll.... have to .... um.....look that...um.... nevermind," to friends and strangers at a Sounders meet up, a deep sense of dread settled upon the former historical expert.

Lietz realized, on Wednesday afternoon, that he hadn't paid his bill for his home internet and cellphone leaving him temporarily without a way to seem like the smartest person in the room.

"WAIT, i meant 3-4-2 formation. missing a guy, or no.... that's not right," mumbled Lietz as he realized that he would need to formulate a concept without being able to refer to the internet for his information.

Friends say that the coherent and adroit Lietz spent most of the time on Wednesday evening fumbling around for facts, dates and information on players and events that he was typically quick to reference.

"So, when Sigi hired um.......... his........... I think it was his son, like in 2008? Or was it 2009. Ok, so when we are talking about Assistant Coaches, like if we are talking about Bruce Arena's assistant coaches.... at that time.... and place... and... um.... I mean..... Steve Zakuani was a recipient of that whole thing with the fact that he scored....like.... some goals, or assists, I know.... look I WAS THERE. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."

Lietz then spent 20 minutes rambling about some fanpost on Sounder At Heart that he made or maybe that he read, or maybe it was on a different blog back in 2010 that would illustrate the current scenario.

"This all tracks back to Sainey Nyassi and how well he played for the Sounders, right? Or was that Senna. Look, I can't be expected to remember those things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lietz attempts to pay his phone bill using an overdrawn credit card.

Richmond Kickers Fan Revels In Warm Embrace Of Crushing Depression As USL Season Kicks Off

Richmond, VA - Kickers fan Carolyn Burtois stated that she was reveling in the warm embrace of crushing depression as the return of the blues signified another USL Season and another Kickers loss.

Isn't it great to have soccer back?

"I'm very sad and upset about this loss to Bethlehem," stated Burtois to The Nutmeg News. "And I'm very happy to be very sad and upset, as well. It's a complex time for me."

Burtois stated that the return of crushing depression and disappointment is always a sign that soccer has returned as the Kickers attempt to strive towards a return to the USL Playoffs.

"My co-workers knew that soccer was back because I didn't want to talk to anyone on Monday and I just sat there steeping my tea," stated Burtois. "My inability to function normally after a loss and my moody obsession with how the team is doing even one week into the season is a really comforting thing to return to in this time of political insanity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Burtois pulls out her warm sweater that she wears around the apartment every time she needs to pace after a Kickers loss.

Tinder Profile Of Atlanta United Fan Starts With, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week?"

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Josh Williams recently updated the start of his Tinder profile to state, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week," to illustrate the Five Stripes domination in the stands this week.

Even our digital render has more people in it than any other stadium this week.

Reportedly, Williams followed his statement with the quip that he was, "down to chill, have a good time and I like funny movies with Kevin Hart that somehow show that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people than any other crowd this week."

"Did you KNOW that, though," asked Williams to The Nutmeg News. "Did you know that we had nearly 20,000 more fans attend our game than any other team this week? Did you know that? Did you know that we had that many people attend our game this week? I need a woman that understands that as well, the statistics of our crowd. I need one that knows that is the truth."

According to friends, Williams default response to any question is currently, "Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more fans at their game this week than any other MLS team," including the time his brother asked him whether or not he wanted to go to Orlando for a vacation.

"He's just gone off and run with this," stated Jeremiah Williams. "I'm not sure why it happened, but he has all these charts and statistics and keeps talking about attendance records and why it matters."

Sources with the McDonalds on Alabama street indicate that Mr Williams responded to the question of "What can we make for you today," with the response, "and we had the upper bowl closed. If we had the upper bowl opened, we would have shattered that 20,000 mark and really showed the league that we can have double the amount of attendance they have at other locations and I'd like a Big Mac, please."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when everyone starts acknowledging that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people at their game than any other game during week 3.