Göteborg, Sweden - A remorseful Christen Press announced that she would be returning to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) after receiving a number of imbecilic fan demands on Twitter.
"It was pointed out to me that my main duty in life is to appease the United States super fans that are very, very upset," stated Press at her press conference. "I apologize for attempting to have control of my life and make my own decisions. I admit that Becky from Long Island who said that I was a, 'total diva,' is 100% correct and I will return to the NWSL."
Press was, reportedly, unhappy with a surprise trade to the Houston Dash and took her right as a human being to make her own decision in life and go play in Sweden, a move that angered irrational fans across the United States.
"SHE DOESNT HAVE FREE WILL," stated Jessica Haverdill of Boston, MA. "SHE WILL DO WHAT WE SAY SHE WILL DO. SHE BELONGS TO US. I DEMAND SHE PLAYS IN THE NWSL. I DEMAND THAT SHE PLAY FOR THE DASH. I DEMAND THAT SHE SEND ME HAIR SAMPLES AND CALL ME THREE TIMES A WEEK. I DEMAND THAT SHE CO-AUTHOR MY FAN FICTION THAT STARS HER."
While the Tumblr and Twitter sphere was reportedly full of livid fans who couldn't wait to dump on Ms. Press, some fans think that they may have gone too far.
"These fans are crazy," said one anonymous fan who refused to be identified because they didn't want to receive a shedload of tweets, emails and attempted doxxing from a tiny portion of the USWNT fanbase that is just completely fucking nuts. "Now you need to understand that they are very miniscule portion of the overall fans of Women's Soccer, but still.... wow. I would love to see her play in the NWSL, but she is her own person. If Christen Press wants to play in Sweden, who am I to tell her no?"
In a strongly worded and acted rebuttal, a Twitter user @PressStan4USWNTMorganLyfe attempted to hack our email accounts and obtain our transcripts with the anonymous fan while simultaneously swearing out a lifetime vendetta for anyone that would not realize that Press belongs in the NWSL and the United States will win the World Cup.
The Nutmeg News.will have more on this as we go into the witness protection program.