Physicists Say That Schrödinger's Zlatan Neither Proves Nor Disproves MLS Success

GENEVA - Physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider project for CERN state that the proposed thought problem of Schrödinger's Zlatan neither proves nor disproves the success of Major League Soccer (MLS).

 See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

"There is not possibility for us to know whether the league is alive or not alive by the inclusion of Zlatan," stated director of Physics, Applied Mathematics and Astral Projection Thom Bjorstson. "The thought exercise indicates that Major League Soccer exists in all forms, both dead and alive, thus proving that it exists in every state."

According to theoretical chemist and Fortnite streamer Kevin "Big Kev" Anderson, Zlatan proves that the league is a retirement league as he elucidated in a 45 minute rant in a video with 332 views.

However, scientists say that it is impossible to know the condition of the league without violating the rules of the thought experiment and that it shows that the league exists in all forms.

"We must be careful of the Zeno effect," stated Mr. Bjorstson. "If we look at the league too much it will accelerate the changes speeding up the opinion of the growth of the league or showing that it is declining. IT's important to keep Schrödinger's Zlatan as the thought experiment that it is without getting too much into that parallel universe shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heisenberg's uncertainty principle explains the limit of expected goals.