Portland, OR - Millennial hooliganism has once again reared its ugly head, this time on the streets of Portland ahead of the upcoming Timbers v Sounders game.
Reports are flooding in that Timbers fans and Sounders fans are battling it out with Pokemon Go all over the streets of Portland. Local Portland Pokemon Go players are getting territorial and are blocking off their local Pokestops to try and keep Sounders from gathering revives and potions.
Alice Campbell, a neutral eye witness who was at the gym simply to try and raise her local team gym’s prestige, told The Nutmeg News reporters what she saw happen. “It was horrible. I was standing there sparring with an Eevee and trying to get my XP up when suddenly I’m surrounded by Timbers fans and Sounders fans, a dozen or so on each side. They all start chanting and singing and pulling their phones out and doing battle at the gym. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse I heard one of the Timbers fans yell out ‘Hey! Did you guys hear that we won the MLS Cup?’ to which one of the Sounders fans yelled back ‘We sure did, Slowpoke!’ That’s when I knew I had to get out of there as fast I could.”
The Nutmeg News spoke to Seattle Pokemon Hooligan Dawn Erlich about her firms attempt to take over a Portland Pokestop and she had the following to say, "We came to sing, we came to drink, we came to take out their weak ass Spearow. Everyone is going to get owned. We are going to mask up with balaclavas pop some incense, and just go to TOWN on their shit. Then we are going to go to Powell's Bookstore for some tea and to browse some books on post industrial revolution architecture based noir graphic novels."
Team specific firms are keeping things heavily under wraps (likely because of a separate article this publication put out this week about not talking to the media) but there is currently no word if Valor or Mystic is the preferred team for Seattle Pokemon Hools, but we can all be assured it’s not Instinct because Instinct sucks.