Rayo OKC To Focus On Neighborhood by Espousing Regional Values

Yukon, OK - In an effort to connect in a micro regional way with their fanbase like their parent club Rayo Vallecano, Rayo OKC will focus on espousing the values and viewpoints of their regional neighborhood of Yukon, Oklahoma.

COMING TO A YUKON OKLAHOMA HIGH SCHOOL NEAR YOU! Well... er... definitely not.

The club announced that it will be for defining marriage as the union between a man and a woman, for the death penalty, for gun ownership rights and for a limited government with no social assistance.

"The viewpoints of some living in the Yukon area may be antithetical to our own belief system in Vallecano, but we must service those residents of Yukon and Canadian County," stated owner Raúl Martín Presa. "The demographics in Yukon are 87% white and  67% Republican. As such, we are having a defense of marriage day in May 2016 where Rayo Oklahoma City will have a 'marriage for Men and Women only' booth as well as inviting televangelist Kenneth Copeland from Lubbock to minister to our players and fans. Over 1 million people in Oklahoma voted in 2004 to define marriage as existing only between a man and a woman. Even if that was invalidated in 2014, we must reflect the values of our areas. After all, recent polling still puts the issue about 66% against legal same sex marriage in Oklahoma."

Rayo OKC has also announced a "Jesus is God" camp with players and fans ministering to the hopeless and the destitute in Canadian County.

"We hope that our efforts to integrate ourselves into the neighborhood will be appreciated," stated Sean Jones, co-owner of Rayo OKC. "While we may not always agree with our constituents, it is important that their viewpoint feel appreciated. Just like in Vallecano where they are anti-facist, and have messages of solidarity, here in Yukon we will have messages of solidarity with our local high school football team and will be strictly anti-carpet bagging big city liberals from Oklahoma City moving here."

FC Dallas Fan Begins Preparation For July 31st Game

Arlington, TX - FC Dallas fan Dale Lewiston has begun preparation for the July 31st home game against the Vancouver Whitecaps.

"Getting your mind right is an important part of the process. I like to think about the Cowboys." - Dale Lewiston

With FC Dallas only playing one game before 8:00 pm at home during the summer months, Lewiston has realized the value in preparing for the upcoming sufferfest that is a 5:00 pm July 31st home game. With a max temperature of over 100 degrees on July 31st for the past three years, Lewiston began his training now in order to reap the greatest benefits.

"Well, I set up my barbecue grill inside a local sauna and I've been working on my tolerance to the early game by drinking and grilling up a whole mess of taters and beans and hot dogs in this sauna, just good wholesome food," stated Mr Lewiston to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I've been doing so wearing my customary gear which includes my favorite jeans, a long sleeve button down and a baseball cap. I need to ensure authenticity to the situation and build up my tolerance."

Mr Lewiston has tickets in section 132 on the east side of the stadium where the setting sun routinely cooks the entire east end before settling down to a balmy 95 degrees.

"I find it important to cross train so I'm mixing Budweiser with Shiner this season," stated Lewiston. "I'm also cross training by doing my beer drinking partially in the sauna and then partially out to ensure that I don't wilt when the sun goes down. It's important to make certain that I can drink at all times. Eventually, when my tolerance level goes up, I'm going to mix in some Titos to ensure I can handle the random cocktail that my friend Jeff likes to throw my way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Lewiston suffers a training set back by having his Budweiser replaced with mineral water.

Joe Roth Calls Press Conference To Discuss "Panamanian Cocaine Merchants" As Distraction

Seattle, WA - The minority owner of the Seattle Sounders, Joe Roth, called a press conference on Monday to discus his views on, "Panamanian cocaine merchants and their cut up product delivered by Cubans" as a distraction away from recent events.

再见大家，并感谢所有的超级记忆。我要完全得到报酬，哟。

"They say the best way to get over one scandal is create a different one," said a gleeful Roth to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So I figure that I'll just go back to the well of stupid things that I said in order to distract everyone from Obafemi Martins potentially leaving for China and the hiring of Keith Costigan."

While primarily focusing on the aforementioned Panamanian coke merchants, reportedly Roth will also discuss his feelings on Donald Trump, his feelings on SigiOUT, and whether or not there should be a remake of Taxi Driver with Vin Diesel.

"We are just getting started here," stated Roth to an agog audience. "Just wait til I talk about race relations, age restrictions in soccer, pay to play and Eddie Johnson. By the time I'm done with this press conference you won't even remember what to be upset about! Also, shout out to Sounder At Heart commentator Fnarf for his terrible comments about me. Get bent, Fnarf!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Joe Roth decides to talk about Guatemalan players who get involved with beauty pageant contestants. 

The Reanimated Corpse Of Ronald Reagan Decries Atlanta United Photoshop

Simi Valley, CA - Direct from an open casket at the presidential library in Simi Valley, the reanimated corpse of the 40th President Of The United States, Ronald Reagan, decried the Atlanta United photoshop that showed he was in Atlanta United colors.

Ronnie finds some time to play kick around with Steve Moyers and Subway advertising pitchman Pele.

"Atlanta United is not for me," stated Reagan to a collection of shocked tourists. "I think soccer is a communist sport bent upon turning the youth of America into communist sympathizing parasites, at least that is what Nancy tells me. Folks, I'm definitely a down home fan of the American dream, Football, cheerleading and the New York Cosmos."

While Reagan stated this, he continued his folksy backwoods manner of addressing the crowd by stating that he had contacts in the great beyond that identified current members of Major League Soccer who were communist sympathizers. 

"I wouldn't wear this. Red is the color of communists!"

"We must take down the communist menace by informing on those around us to ensure they don't work anymore. We must also strip away the current welfare state of Major League Soccer and remove the socialist influences therein," stated Reagan as he showed a possible shift towards supporting promotion and relegation.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Gerald Ford announces his support of Lansing United.

Rivalry Forms As Race For The Bottom Intensifies

A reported rivalry between Chicago Fire supporters and Colorado Rapids supporters has formed after both of their front offices figure out new and inventive ways to disenfranchise both groups.

"Now you guys just get out there and knock it about. Not too well, mind you. We have standards."

"We figured we might as well enjoy this slow descent into hell," stated Fire supporter Geoff Holland. "Losing Shipp is just another nail in the coffin, especially with his eloquent goodbye that was posted. I mean he may not have been the savoir of our team, but at least he was ours. Now we can all just descend quicker into the miasma of hate that will suffocate Section 8 this season."

Rapids fan Victoria Natchez stated that she refuses to let the Fire win out on the most miserable team in 2016 stating, "If we aren't going to win much this season, we should at least win at being the worst. I want to see a full sale atom bomb type season, with Pablo gone after 3 months and fans showing up in sackcloth and ashes. It's going to be amazing and I refuse to let Chicago own the title of worst team in Major League Soccer. We want to create a trophy that both sets of fans can trade between each other. Something like the wooden spoon but more desperate and horrifying. Maybe it'll be the wooden bed pan award."

With both sets of fans competing for the bottom of the table, the fanbases are going to try new ways to watch their teams slow meandering run towards defeat with Chicago supporters group member Paul Merson stating, "I'm just going to show up with a two stick that has our number of wins on it, that way I won't have to do too much work. I love this team, but I'm not going anywhere so I might as well have fun as I slowly watch my friends not come back to the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Chicago scores a small number of victories out of the gate leading everyone to say that they are fine before they struggle the rest of the season.

Commissioner Of The NWSL Unable To Commit and Set The Date

NEW YORK - Jeff Plush, the commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League, announced that he, "Just wasn't feeling it" in regards to committing to another year of soccer for the league.

"Look, I just need some space right now. No, I'm not saying that we are breaking up. Look, just... let's take some time, talk about a schedule, but not set a date. Let's just do that as friends. Can we be friends? I mean maybe we don't NEED to set a date. How about if we just start playing and we will tell your dad and brother about it later."

"I kinda feel like the magic ran out and no amount of Brazilians that are purchased or exotic women that we bring into our locker rooms are going to help me find that spark again," stated Plush to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

Reportedly Plush started feeling this way when people started asking about his feelings on the league, whether he would finally set a date for the opening kick off, whether or not he was interested in a long term commitment and what his thoughts were on having kids, attending the games and becoming fans.

"It was a lot of pressure all at the same time, and I just felt like setting a date was really adding even more pressure," stated a flustered Comissioner Plush to his cool friend Brad who never got married and just rides a scooter around the Coney Island boardwalk picking up chicks. "I just wanted to take things slow, build up nice and easy and just see where we were in July. If we were playing by then, great. However, all this pressure is making me re-think my commitment and I just don't know that I want to set the date. Even my parents keep asking me, 'When are you going to set the date, Jeff. We want to see games. We want to see the kids at the park.' IT IS JUST TOO MUCH GODDAMN PRESSURE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Plus heads off to Atlantic City to blow off some steam and see how he feels about his relationship with the NWSL afterward.

Indifferent Miami Fans Unaware That The Soul Of Their Team Is Being Sold

Miami, FL - Indifferent Miami soccer fans were reportedly unaware that the soul of their team was being sold from good guy, blue collar everyman David Beckham to a bunch of greedy dudes from some place that sounds menacing.

He's just a normal guy trying to fight all the billionaires and millionaires.

The Nutmeg News spoke to local resident Jaime Gutierrez about the situation and he had the following to say, "Huh?"

Resident soccer crank and all around online complainer James Weston reportedly was aghast at this response saying, "The soul of the sport is for sale in Miami and people there can't even be bothered to care? Our game is being sold to the Qataris! I mean, It's already been sold to the Austrians, the Abu Dhabis, and the homophobic billionaires in the United States, but the Qataris would be a bridge too far!"

The Nutmeg News decided to go further and contact Mr Guiterrez about an expansion on his original comment and he had the following to say, "Yeah, um.... I don't really care. One millionaire selling to a bunch of billionaires so they can bilk the city out of more money and try to find real estate in a very expensive city and try to sell a brand to a bunch of us gullible enough to buy into the narrative that somehow this team belongs to us. I fail to see how this sale would be any different than Beckham running the team. I mean, I have a volleyball game at South Beach in an hour and I just don't care. I will attend some games if this shit gets built, but there is no way the experience in the game is going to be better than sitting on the beach in a nice chair with a cold mojito watching the sun slowly set as my friends work on their bump set form."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people that don't live in Miami get upset about the things happening in Miami for a theoretical franchise that doesn't even really exist yet.

Major League Soccer Continues Annual All Star Game Charade

San Jose, CA - Major League Soccer, today, continued their annual charade performed for the public in which they pretend that anyone cares about the All Star Game.

FINALLY, MY WHOLE YEAR IS COMPLETE. THE ALL-STAR GAME. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Someone, somewhere cares about this and that's who we are reaching towards," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber. "We aren't reaching out to the hard core fans, nor are we reaching out to the casual fans. We are reaching out to the fan that has literally never gone to an MLS game and wants to go because he owns a Tomáš Rosický kit in his closet and this is the closest he has ever gotten to The Emirates."

With all the pomp and circumstance that a completely meaningless game designed to sell advertisement can generate, Major League Soccer announced that the 2016 opponent would be Arsenal, and that the gift bags for reporters would be even better this season.

Reaction on Twitter was swift as many people immediately tried to figure out a way to fix a game that is inherently stupid at its core level.

"I think they should play only 22 year old players on one side and Liga MX players with a name that starts with J on the other," tweeted @HokyPokyGiggs

"I think they should make it USA versus the World because the USA is #1 always and forever," tweeted @ThisEagleIsntBald

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as throngs of press credentials requests are sent to the league requesting access to the after party that the USWNT stars will be visiting.

NYCFC Continue Fan Outreach Program By Sleeping With Jerry Burkhart's Wife

NEW YORK - New York City FC (NYCFC) have noticeably increased their fan outreach program for the 2016 season and will continue this trend next Monday with the coital bedding of Jerry Burkhart's wife, Deborah.

My team and my wife, together.... in the same bed... Now that is community outreach.

"We were having a hard time in the bedroom, NYCFC said they wanted to reach out and involve fans. I thought it would be a great way to spice things up and get my wife to connect with the team," stated Mr Burkhart to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. 

Reportedly, Mr Burkhart, a season ticket holder and fan of NYCFC since 2015, will wait out in the car as NYCFC will wine and dine Deborah, telling her stories of their 2015 season over Royal Osetra Caviar and a bottle of Scharzhofberger Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese at Le Bernardin. 

NYCFC will continue the evening with a night of dancing at Swing 46 Jazz and Supper Club before taking Deborah Burkhart home to make sweet, sweet love to her body, with her acceptance (of course).

NYCFC has announced that they will arise early, make coffee and breakfast while having a languid conversation about the night and their future together while offering a tender foot massage before leaving Mrs Burkhart with her husband.

"I'm excited for a night of pampering and love making," stated Mrs Burkhart. "It's been far too long and perhaps I'll finally understand Jerry's love of this new team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Deborah texts NYCFC the next day to see, "Whats Up?"

Man Misses Acrimony Of Previous Red Bull New York Town Hall

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan David Gregory admitted that he misses the acrimony of the previous Red Bull New York town hall stating, "The hate gave me purpose in life."

"DON'T EVEN SAY HIS FUCKING NAME....... mostly because everything is fine now and there is no reason to bring up the name of Mike Petke."

While Mr Gregory admits that the recent town hall meeting after Mike Petke was fired was one of the darker periods of time in Red Bull New York recent history, he also stated that he found that the intense conflict gave him purpose.

"I knew what we had to do and that was make them pay for firing Petke by yelling at the front office staff. Now with the supporters shield in hand, the CONCACAF Champions League, hitting the playoffs and playing well all last season I'm feeling like an empty balloon, devoid of the hate that had previously filled me up," stated Mr Gregory to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

"I'm thinking of going and trying to re-enact some of the same scenes again just for fun by randomly screaming at Ali Curtis, 'YOU LIE' while asking him if we are going to have beautiful style of play again this season. I'll close out the meeting with a RED BULL OUT chant before taking off to the house to cyber-stalk Sacha Kljestan on Instagram. Now, in 2016, this town hall meeting is just going to be a love fest, with probably some really weird questions. That just isn't going to do it for me."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Gregory if anything could make the evening better and he stated, "Well... i mean I would hate it and I don't really want them to do it, but if they trade Dax to DC United right before the meeting kicks off.... that might make the town hall interesting again."

The Nutmeg News will have more from NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital after Mr Gregory is admitted to the emergency room after being beaten by his own fans for even suggesting something like that. 

Design Team Shocked That Crew Use Kit They Submitted As A Joke

Columbus, OH - The fashion design team of Harrison and Debas admitted that they were shocked to find out that the Columbus Crew used the jersey design they submitted as a joke.

"The blue stands for the color of the Ciroc we were drinking when we came up with this idea."

"We were really just playing around," stated Robinson Debas, "and they actually picked our design. Frankly, we are shocked. We were getting drunk, then we smoked a bunch of weed, loaded up adobe photoshop and went to town. Most of our decisions were based around being stoned and drunk while coming up with an idea we thought there was no way they would select."

With the new design released, Harrison and Debas quickly made up a bunch of bullshit about how the kit reflects their ideals.

"The blue is the color of the Ciroc we were drinking when we came up with this idea, the yellow fading into white is the color of our pee on that evening and the red is just a bunch of stuff we threw together after looking at our eyes in the mirror," stated Mr Debas to The Nutmeg News. "Frankly we are still amazed at this whole thing, but hey... what the hell, you know? I just wonder if they noticed that the kit has a giant embossed dickbutt on the inside of the shirt. I guess we will find out when they make them."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the petition is started to change the Columbus flag, just based on this kit.

Revolution Supporters Release Chant That Just Contains The Word "Oi"

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution supporters group The Rebellion have announced the release of a new chant that just contains the word "Oi!" repeated 365 different times to syncopated rhythms.

Oi - Oi - Oi - Oi - Oi -- REPEAT

The Rebellion announced this new chant after realizing that Oi was a pretty great word that deserved to be utilized more and more in their song repertoire.

"Oi is pretty great," stated the Rebellion leadership committee via an email exchange with The Nutmeg News, "Both as a subgenre and as a word. We love Oi, of course that being the anti-fascist and working class Oi and not the white power or nationalist/fascist Oi which we roundly reject as a bastardization of the culture. In order to show our love of Oi, as a subgenre of punk and Oi! the commonly used British and Australian interjection, we created a new chant for the Revolution that utilizes the word Oi sung over and over again 365 times (to show that we work 365 days a year for the Revolution) to syncopated rhythms that will be played repeatedly until we all pass out into a well lathered and lubricated pile of sweat."

While this new chant is simple, the Revolution supporters have printed out a chant sheet showing the new chant, which is being called "The Oi Chant".

THE Oi CHANT

Oi! - REPEAT 200 times

DRUM BEAT CHANGE

Oi! - REPEAT 165 TIMES

The vocals for The Oi Chant are accompanied by massive jumping in the stands called a "pogo" something that will reportedly, "Make everything seem really freaking cool."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The Oi Chant frenzy sweeps over The Fort.

Slash Fan Fiction Put On Hold After Lamar Neagle Trade

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan and writer of erotic fan fiction, Jessica Blaine, admitted that she has temporarily shelved her slash fan fiction featuring Lamar Neagle and Clint Dempsey after the Neagle trade to DC United on December 7th, 2015.

"In their fingertips was a spark of passion. There was lust in the way that he kicked the ball." - An excerpt from 90 Minutes by Jezebel DuFarge

Ms. Blaine, who writes under the pen name Jezebel DuFarge, stated that she attempted to pick back up the writing of 90 Minutes off and on over the last two months, but admits that with the trade, the passion is now gone.

"I was working on the chapters dealing with the post coital aftermath of Neagle and Dempsey as it pertains to their performance on and off the field, but the trade just threw a wrench in all that. Now I don't even know if I want Dempsey and Neagle to have sex. They aren't even teammates anymore so where is the erotic tension?"

With a devoted readership of dozens of slash fiction fans around the continental United States that have begged for a return to the erotic confines of Century Link Field after Ms Blaine's 5 Feet Of Thunder story about Mike Fucito, the pressure is on Ms. Blaine to deliver something for her fans.

"It's tough out there for a slash fiction writer. Just look at all the competition these days with amazing writers like Raynold Rude Boy posting his excerpts of the Javi Morales and Kyle Beckerman saga called Passion In The Wasatch. Years ago there wouldn't even be multiple erotic stories about Major League Soccer stars."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Blaine tries to re-write her saga by focusing on the return of Jordan Morris to Seattle and a story titled Against The Grain 1: The German Experience.

Soccer Fan Already Misses The Barclays Sponsorship

Gary, IN - English soccer fan Wesley Jenkins admitted that he already misses the Barclays sponsorship of the newly branded Premier League.

I just miss it so much. All I know is Barclays for my premier league.

"It's just like when Liverpool dropped Carlsberg from their shirt sponsor. I value all my engagements through the prism of the massive amount of advertisements that bombard me daily. I only understand things presented to me like the Barclays Premier League, and I only know soccer teams by their sponsorship," said Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins admitted that he knows that Barcelona and Real Madrid are playing when he sees Qatar Airways and Fly Emirates are on the field. 

"I was very confused when O2 wasn't Arsenal any more," stated Jenkins to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I always knew it was going to be a good game when O2 played Vodafone. I remember when you could count on O2, Vodafone, Carlsberg, and Fly Emirates/Samsung propped up the top part of the league. That was way after Candy and Sharp. It's really difficult to keep all the Fly Emirates straight these days. It's easier to just assume that they are all the same team with different color kits."

Mr Jenkins stated that while he misses the Barclays sponsorship, that he will always carry a piece of it around with him, "I got a tattoo with the Barclays logo so I'll be able to remember forever the halcyon days of the Barclays sponsorship."

TFC Fan Worried That Maple Leafs Haven't Prepared Him For A Team That Wins

TORONTO - Maples Leafs fan Damien Cogsworth admitted that his passionate love of the Toronto Maple Leafs has not prepared him for a winning Toronto Football Club (TFC). 

and the Maple Leafs to the bottom of the league

"Having a few bad years? That's small potatoes to me. I've been a Leafs fan all my life and all I've ever seen is the Leafs flaming out in the playoffs or imploding before they even get there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in 2016 if TFC is consistently good," stated Cogsworth to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

With Giovinco, Bradley and the re-animated corpse of Jozy Altidore patrolling the field, Cogsworth stated that he is starting to feel the first faint twinges of getting hopeful, for perhaps the first time in his sporting life. 

"It is a very weird feeling having hope. I've been burned every possible way when it comes to both my hockey team and my soccer team that I started to imagine that the whole city was cursed by some kind of professional ineptitude. However, this whole TFC team thing seems to really be coming together and now I have to deal with the fact that we might actually be good  two years in a row."

Cogsworth stated that he plans on trying to be positive, but that the Maple Leafs have only taught him to expect pain, "Maybe, somehow, MLSE can actually figure out a way to run a successful sports team after all, but I'm not holding my breath. If 20 years of following the Leafs have taught me anything its that sports is about abject misery and the pain of being unable to close things out. I'm just worried that I won't know how to be a fan of a top team when TFC wins consistently this season. I'm already working on my banter and ability to be overbearing online about how awesome TFC are while constantly reminding people that comment on YouTube videos that MLS is completely ignoring us for Los Angeles and New York."

 The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Cogsworth tries to not frame his attitude for the upcoming pre-season games around his feelings on James Reimer.

Area Man Spends Entire Super Bowl Comparing Game To Soccer

Orlando, FL - In an effort at spreading the good word of soccer, newly minted Orlando City SC fan Gabriel Valens spent the entire Super Bowl comparing the NFL championship game to a soccer game for all to hear.

After showing up to the party without beer and wearing a Brek Shea Orlando City kit, Valens repeatedly stated, "IF THIS WAS SOCCER, THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY TIME OUTS," as he attempted to really get more people into watching soccer this year. "WE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEERLEADERS AND THE GAME NEVER STOPS. I MEAN, I WOULD LIKELY BE HOME BY NOW AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN HIT HALF TIME."

While Valens thought this was a good way to spread the gospel of soccer as being a better sport than the National Football League, most of his friends just thought he was being an annoying prick and it made them hate the game even more.

"You come into my house, eat my guacamole and tell me that the game we are watching is shit? Everyone knows this game usually sucks, but don't bring my party down," stated party host Martin Blaylock. "I'm not inviting him back next year, and I'm also not telling him that I'm a season ticket holder for OCSC. He was barking up the wrong tree with me."

Despite this awkward moment, Valens continued his tirade by tweeting comparisons of the Super Bowl and Soccer, and then reading them out to everyone at the watch party while the action was unfolding during the 3rd quarter.

"DID I MENTION THERE ARE NO TIMEOUTS? HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THAT ARTICLE WHERE IT SAYS THE NFL ONLY HAS 5 MINUTES OF ACTION?! GOD THIS GAME IS STUPID," screamed Valens into the void as all of his friends selectively tuned him out.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valens attempts to write a long winded blog post about his observations and his attempt to convert his friends to soccer fans.

Goku and Krillin To Appear In New "River Dog Z" Adaptation

Rochester, NY - Daisuke Nishio, the longtime director of Dragon Ball Z, has confirmed that Goku and Krillin will make appearances in the new River Dog Z soccer adaptation of the long time Anime series.

With the plot revolving around Goku attempting to fight a reanimated Frieza who has made a pact with the Ginyu Force and Vegeta to create a new force of soccer playing mercenaries that will train utilizing mysterious European methodologies to attain the Super Saiyan form in order to win the Club World Cup and enslave the world, fans are reportedly tepidly looking ahead to the release even if utilizing the "z" convention in a soccer series is just a massive affectation and enormously silly.

"I don't know, the anime and soccer thing seems a little bizarre in the world of Dragon Ball Z, but I suppose that it makes sense. I mean, it makes a lot more sense than naming your team River DogZ which, without the Anime connection, would just be mental," stated Dragon Ball Z fan Harvey Newsome. "Fortunately, I plan on scooping up all the merchandise from River Dog Z to complete my Dragon Ball Z collection."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as River Dog Z fans prepare to be disappointed.

US Soccer Federation Sues Youth Of America For Being Terrible At Soccer

NEW YORK - The United States Soccer Federation has levied a lawsuit at all children in the United States over being terrible at soccer.

"You are so SHIT, Billy! Why don't you give up playing soccer and be a dental hygienist."

"We are incredibly disappointed at the lack of athletes from all of our youth programs who have gone on to become internationally recognized global superstars," stated president of US Soccer Sunil Gulati. "While we have had some success with our women's program, our boys program has failed miserably. I think we should all, as a society, blame our children for being listless, non-driven layabouts."

While US Soccer was previously tolerant of the indolent little shits, its patience has been severely tested, recently, by the lackadaisical results in the men's program and the disrespect towards authority from the women's program.

"If we wanted women that would talk back to us, we wouldn't have paid for private boarding school for our daughters," stated the US Soccer Board of Directors. "This insurrection will be dealt with harshly. That is by suing the living shit out of little Barbara until she pays us all the money she saved in her piggy bank to go to US Soccer girls camp. KNOW YOUR ROLE, BARBARA. It's high time she accepted the utter control that US Soccer will have over her life the instant that she gets into the game."

The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer what would have to change in order for them to drop the lawsuit and they stated the following, "We expect a written apology from all children, an essay on why they won't disappoint us again, and a donation to the US Soccer Federation board. Will no one think of the finances of the board? WE MAKE ALL THIS HAPPEN."

Major League Soccer Announces Plan To Remove Stars From Teams

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced a plan today to incentive soccer teams to continue winning with their new announcement of removing stars from teams that haven't won another championship after six years.

WIN.... OR ELSE....

"We felt that there was no better way to motivate teams to play harder than to deny the fact they ever won a championship in the first place," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "If a team has not won an additional championship 5 years after winning MLS Cup, the star they obtained will be removed from their kit and their record of winning a championship will be expunged from history."

Major League Soccer stated that this would immediately affect the Chicago Fire, Colorado Rapids, Real Salt Lake, San Jose Earthquakes, and D.C. United. MLS did announce that an extension would be given for former cup winning teams making the championship game, so the Columbus Crew will retain their 2008 MLS Cup victory for one more season.

"Everyone knows that the best way to motivate someone is to remove everything they have and reshape their history," stated Mr Abbot. "In this way we like to completely reshape the badge and our league to create a more intense competition while removing any history that teams had because they aren't trying hard enough, recently."

North American Soccer Journalist Spends Entire Thursday Screen Capping Legal Documents

Boston, MA - Soccer Journalist Jeremiah Williamson spent most of his Thursday morning screen capping legal documents while muttering, "I don't remember signing up for this shit."

"Ok, what can I use HERE for a hot take...."

Mr Williamson spoke to The Nutmeg News after a cursory review of the MLS Collective Bargaining Agreement.

"I didn't get into this because I wanted to spend my day pouring over documents dictating how much money a rookie gets as a per diem on his travel day for a Major League Soccer team. I got into this because I loved sports. I just am not entirely sure when following a league and team turned into combing over legal documents pursuant to the league that may or may not dictate the success and failure of the sport in this area as a whole."

Mr Williamson ensured that he found the very best information to clip from the documents and post directly to his twitter account so that his followers could freak out about individual details without seeing the document as a whole.

"If this whips up some page views, that wouldn't be the worst thing for me. Hardly anyone understands any of the stuff in the CBA to begin with, so I'm guessing that the number of people who care enough to read through it all the way is very small. When you combine that with the legal documents for the USSF lawsuit against the United States Women, well I'll be looking at pdf files all day long. Yay Sports."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Williamson wonders if he could just Photoshop some different rule changes and anyone would notice.