LA Galaxy To Leave MLS For Liga MX

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy announced today that they would start the process of taking ownership of their team name and assets to prepare for a move to Liga MX

"We have had a number of long discussions about this," said general manager Bruce Arena "and the challenge in Major League Soccer just isn't there. As the flagship franchise of Major League Soccer we are now interested in taking on the challenge of becoming the flagship club of North America. In order to do that, we must compete in the best league in America, and that league is Liga MX."

Sources say that a legal challenge from Don Garber is expected as the maxim, "you can enter, but you can never leave" is inscribed above the board room for Major League Soccer (MLS). "We simply cannot let our best teams leave for another league. What are we, the NASL?" said the commissioner of MLS. 

Sources say that the Galaxy front office has already been added to the schedule for the 2017 Apertura and that they will kick off the season against Club Tijuana in Los Angeles.

"We are tired of the Machiavellian machinations required by the league front office for supposed league parity that make it impossible for us to construct a deep team and replace players when they get injured. We have the money to make this happen and if we want to buy Javier Hernandez or if we want to buy Giovanni Dos Santos, we should be allowed to do so" said Arena. "With our move to Liga MX, the United States will finally have a team that can compete and win the CONCACAF Champions league without requiring a complete fluke of scheduling to do so."

The president of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot, released the following statement, "LA Galaxy, hear me very clearly. We OWN you, we own your club, we own your name, we own all your trademarks, we own your players, we own your contracts. You aren't going anywhere. Just try me and see if I'm kidding. I'm going to sell all of your players throughout the league, replace your board with a puppet regime and salt your field. Do Not Test Us."

The Nutmeg News will have more coverage of LA's departure to Liga MX as it happens.

Anheuser-Busch Extend Tentacles Of Stupidity By Marketing Terrible Beer via Soccer

Information from a  Wall Street Journal piece here.....http://blogs.wsj.com/cmo/2015/04/14/anheuser-busch-extends-sponsorships-of-u-s-and-mexican-soccer-teams/ 

shows that Anheuser-Busch, the marketing conglomerate, has decided to sell more of the terrible beer that it makes to soccer fans who may buy it because they were going to a watch party and the gas station they stopped at to fill up only has crap beer and they didn't really have another option because they can't show up to Jim's party without something to drink. The article included such quote doozies as,

"The Mexican team sponsorship, which is limited to the U.S., allows the company to connect Bud Light to a “Hispanic target group that is strategically important” while the U.S. team sponsorship allows the company to connect Budweiser with “Millennials, who are watching soccer around the country,” said Eelco van der Noll, Anheuser-Busch, Vice President, Experiential."

Which is a real, actual, serious quote.

The Nutmeg News response is as follows.

Progressive Man Only Watches Women's Sports

Phoenix, AZ - Peter Maños is being hailed by his wife Trudy as a truly progressive and modern sports fan by exclusively watching women's sports. We met with Peter and Trudy in their Phoenix area home. "I think this is a sign of the way things are going with modern men," Trudy says "where you now have a man who instead of watching football decides that he's going to watch Women's soccer matches. He's a fantastic role model to our daughter and is the kind of modern man that we all should look for in our own relationships." She then excused herself to get some coffee from the kitchen.

Mr. Maños isn't alone either according to the Nielsen Television Ratings company. This last weekend the Women's National Soccer League (NWSL) had their first games and Nielsen showed a dramatic increase in ratings that occurred thirty minutes into the match, coinciding with the conclusion of a women's beach volleyball tournament being aired on Spike TV.

"Yeah, I was watching the beach volleyball tournament until I heard my wife come back in the house so I clicked over to the soccer match," Peter says "I'm more of a beach volleyball fan or even women's tennis, but soccer is alright because I didn't have to keep looking over my shoulder. And it's a whole hell of a lot easier than trying to watch women's gymnastics. Jesus, unless it's an Olympics year there's no way I can even think of watching that unless everyone is out of the house."

Peter continued as his wife entered into the room carrying three coffee cups "But I have to say that my favorite thing about watching women's sports is the inspiration I get seeing these women play at their peak athletic performance even though they don't get the financial rewards of the men. They play for the love of the game and all of that enthusiasm and energy is just so enjoyable to see. I can only hope our daughter finds something she is as passionate about in life. I love women's soccer and hope that others will find it just as liberating."

After our interview Mr. Maños excused himself to the restroom whereupon he retrieved the Hope Solo issue of ESPN's Body Issue magazine hidden in back of the cabinet.

Several MLS Teams Await Finalization Of CBA Before Not Spending Any Money Anyway

NEW YORK - With the 2015 Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) close to being ratified after the Major League Soccer (MLS) Players Union took a groin kick agreement so that the league front office could sign a bunch of new league sponsors that only benefit themselves, certain MLS front office teams are reportedly excited to know how much money they will have available to not spend in 2015.

"Not spending on players is the corner stone of our franchise and our league." said Chicago Fire owner Andrew Hauptman. "When the CBA deal is finalized, it will inform us how much money we could theoretically spend to let us know how much money we have saved in 2015."

TNN spoke to Merritt Paulson who confirmed that the Timbers have no plans to break the bank, yet. "I'm planning on waiting until the last minute to spend our money on a panic buy."

Stan Kroenke had the following comment released, "The Colorado what?!? I don't own a soccer team outside of London, do I? Someone get my accountant on this."

The Nutmeg News reached out to the Houston Dynamo for comment but received notification that Golden Boy productions would have to verify with Anschutz Entertainment Group that they could speak with our reporters before making a comment on whether they have permission to spend money on the team.

TNN will stay on this situation as it develops.

Man Expounds Vigorously On The Quality Of A Game He Didn't Watch

St Louis - Manchester United fan Donald Gustofson vigorously derided the quality of the recent St Louis versus Pittsburgh Riverhounds  despite not actually watching it.

"It was awful, pure awful" said Gustofson. "I knew it would be awful so I didn't go, I mean I know they are terrible players and because they are terrible players I knew that it wouldn't be worth watching. I'm pretty sure that they lost by two goals and no one showed up. Also, their right back is probably terrible. I'd rather spend my time waking up really early to watch United v City. Look, everyone knows that if they were good they would be in Europe. No good players play in the United States, ever." 

St Louis Fans Definitely Not Having Any Fun

When informed that the fledgling USL team tied the game 1-1 and that there were over 5,000 people at the game Mr Gustofson said, "Look, I'm not going to actually GO to a game unless I know it is quality. I'm sure the people there are willing to shell out their hard earned cash to sit and watch a bunch of crap players running around on the field, but I am not one of those people. My time is way too precious to go watch other teams. Plus my grandfather's best friend's sister was born in Manchester. I have ties there."  

When informed that he could watch the game online for free Mr Gustofson laughed and said "I had a full schedule on Saturday, I watched a replay of Barcelona and Real Madrid from 10 years ago and then I watched the Champions League final from 2013 before watching re-runs of Judge Judy and a marathon on the DYI network. No time. No time available at all."

MLS Amends Don't Cross The Line Video

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today amended their Don't Cross The Line Video to include the notice "Unless you have a truck load of money" after people pointed out that Major League Soccer's ownership group contains notable anti-gay figures like Philip Anschutz and Sheikh Mansour.

DON'T BE A BIGOT* --------- *unless you save our league and then we will name a championship trophy after you 

"We realized that we should make it plainly obvious that discrimination in any form is bad unless it is from our ownership group where they are actively contributing money towards homophobic agencies, or having policies to chemically castrate homosexuals or put them to death in their own country. If you have 100 million dollars that you are willing to give us, you can go on a racist, homophobic and gender biased rant that includes completely insane conspiracy theories about any number of nationalities. We don't care, just give us the money and make sure the check clears." said Director of MLS Owner Relations Jeremy Dubois.

"This video is part our attempt to connect with our progressive fans, part attempt to create a culture of tolerance and part our attempt to apologize for our ownership that has some serious flaws. I mean, what do you want us to do... NOT take 100 million dollars? Look you can concentrate on the cognitive dissonance of the Don't Cross the Line Video or you can watch Toronto native Rachel Bonnetta in a sombrero learning Spanish soccer slang."

New York Native Enjoys Opportunity To Make His Name With Red Bull 2

NEW YORK - New York native Russel Stewart admitted on Friday that he really enjoys the experience with Red Bull 2 in the USL and has temporarily dropped his season tickets with Red Bull in order to concentrate on the USL experience.

TNN spoke with Mr Stewart on Friday about this unusual opinion, "This is my opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a team so that I can hold it over all the future fan's heads. I was late to the party with Red Bull as I started following them during their Supporters Shield season and the general consensus among my fellow fans was that I was too passionate for someone who has only been following the club for a year or two. So this way, I can be one of the people who longingly talks about supporting Red Bull 2 when the crowds were like 60 people and I could yell obscenities at the away keeper from all the way across the stadium."

"Hey Keep.... HEY KEEP..... I know you can hear me..... I'm just getting off the path train and I'll be in the stadium in 15 minutes."

Mr. Stewart also pointed out that attending USL games gave him a certain level of street credit among Red Bull supporters. He has even taken to attending games wearing a Metrostars scarf that he bought off Ebay. "This is really the best thing that could have happened. I'm thinking of switching from the Viking Army to the Empire Supporters Club and I already created my own line of protest t-shirts to wear to the Red Bull 2 games. I'm hoping that the sparse crowds and general lack of interest in the team continue for a few more years so that I can talk about results and games to which most fans aren't even paying attention. By the time I go to the next Red Bull game, I'll be considered a true fan. C'mon Red Bul.... er I mean Metrostars 2!"

LAFC Admit They Have No Clue What They Are Doing

LOS ANGELES - After a question answer session on twitter that developed a lot of questions and zero answers, Los Angeles FC admitted that they really have no clue what they are doing.

"Yeah, um.... We don't have a fucking clue." said director of Public Relations and Hot Dog Eating Competition coordinator Mickey Rivera. "We OWN the idea of a club, but we are really relying on what happens elsewhere to develop this club. We have begun to have meetings but getting all of our investors to agree on anything is a bit difficult. We had a 2 hr meeting about gender pronouns and the way in which we interact in developing our human resources department and the identity of socio-political norms as it pertains to our hiring policy. We aren't even close to being able to actually do anything."

Veteran Major League Soccer (MLS) observer Rick Dulworth agrees, "Yeah, this has 'late to the party' written all over it. Tons of money doesn't buy you business acumen. These guys have a better chance of developing a cold than a club strategy at this point."

TNN spoke with LAFC branding expert and Venice beach rollerskater Charlie Cranston about the business strategy of LAFC, "At this point we are all about branding, developing the brand, developing our vertical integration of core philosophies in relations to the brand and developing our idea about what idea we are giving to our cross promotions team about our brand. At this point all we can say is that we are going to open a nightclub called 'DOMINGO' just outside of Malibu that will serve as a center where you can learn about LAFC opening up a nightclub called DOMINGO. It's all very meta, you wouldn't understand."

Cranston turned up some house music and popped some champagne, "at this point you could shit in one hand and show LAFC's strategy in the other and you would only end up with one thing. A totally wicked nightclub experience! COME ON OUT TO DOMINGO!"

Fans of MLS teams in bottom half of table rethinking weekend plans

LOS ANGELES - With roughly five games of the season behind them, many MLS fans are finding themselves in positions where they are starting to find valid excuses to not attend this upcoming weekends games.

Douglas Keyes is a LA Galaxy supporter who currently finds his team third from the bottom in the Western Conference standings and finds himself looking for an acceptable reason to avoid attending this weekends game.

Keyes asked TNN, "Who are we playing again?" To which he was informed that the opponent was Seattle whereupon he then sighed deeply and began rubbing his eyes. "Man. I don't know. I'd really like to catch more games but it's like, I've got so much I need to do this weekend. I've got a yard to mow and try and keep looking as nice as possible before the water restrictions force me to cover the whole thing in gravel. I've also got a bunch of friends that are heading to the beach and another friend that is having a party at his place to watch the Dodgers. I really just don't have time to see us get destroyed by the Sounders."

This.... Or Robbie Keane and Clint Dempsey in a Douche Off.

Keyes is not alone in his sentiment. Across the league fans with teams further down the standings are finding more and more reasons to avoid attending their home games this weekend in lieu of chores or events that either guarantee results or else have a much higher chance of being enjoyable. Evelyn Jackson-Hayflower-Smithe, a resident of Portland, Oregon, and season ticket holder for the Portland Timbers, informed us of her weekend plans.

"We've had a bunch of rain lately and it's finally letting up and starting to get nice around here and I really just want a full day to go on a bike ride and hit up some food carts and maybe check out this vacuum museum I keep driving by on my way into downtown. Saturday I've got an all-day adult-league kickball tournament so that only leaves Sunday but the Timbers game is at 2pm. That means I'm lining up at 8am to wait for the gates to open to then stand around for a few hours before finally getting home. By the time I do get home it's going to be time for Mad Men and the Game of Thrones premiere. That's like, my whole day gone. I'm a season ticket holder so I think I can miss one or two games. Really, I can't wait for us to get a good series of road games so I can stop spending so much on stadium priced beer and go get some PBRs."

Finally, The Nutmeg News spoke with Toronto FC fan Claude Raners who had the following to say, "I'm really actively looking for anything at this point. Argonauts? Not playing. Leafs? Suck. The Toronto Yoga Conference? That's my ticket this weekend. If I'm going to watch something implode it might as well be my self confidence with regards to how I look practicing yoga. Look, I'll take my niece to see Wiggles LIVE! at this point. I know they are on the road and it requires minimal effort by me but at this point I'd rather watch Don Cherry make out with a moose."

TNN will continue to report on this trend as well as post highlights and scores from the kickball tournament.

Fans Morally Opposed To NYCFC Ownership Unaware Of Phil Anschutz

Fans that repeatedly made a point of the human rights record of New York City FC's ownership were shocked to find out that LA Galaxy and Houston Dynamo owner Phil Anschutz is himself a massive asshole. Documents provided by The Nutmeg News to these fans showed them some disturbing information on Anschutz and the Anschutz Foundation that it appears some of them didn't know. 

The Nutmeg News had our reporters contact people after they read the documents that detailed some of Anschutz financial backings.  

"I never knew that Anschutz donated $10,000 dollars to 1992 Colorado anti-gay Proposition 2 which allowed private property owners and employers to discriminate against homosexuals and lesbians." said Jim Redding of Myrtle Beach.

"I never knew that since 2008 the Anschutz foundation donated $175,000 to the Mission America Foundation, a far-right organization whose president considers homosexuality to be a 'deviance' and has railed against the removal of HIV-based travel restrictions, warning that 'the U.S.’s liberal homosexual culture’ will attract HIV-positive immigrants." said Carla Stevensen of Albuquerque. 

"I never knew that between 2003 and 2010, the Anschutz Foundation donated at least $210,000 to the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation, a think tank that opposes labor unions." said IBEW journeyman Davis Hansen of Sacramento.

"I never knew that Anschutz has funded the Institute for American Values (IAV), a group that campaigns against same-sex marriage and against single parenting" said single mother Dolores Racic of Detroit. 

"I never knew that Anschutz funds the Discovery Institute, a think tank based in Seattle, Washington that promotes intelligent design and criticizes evolution." said science teacher Stephen Koslowski of Tampa.

Most of the soccer fans that The Nutmeg News surveyed revealed that while this was a revelation to them that they would still judge Sheikh Mansour harshly because he isn't originally from the United States. 

TNN will report on this situation as more information arises.

http://www.ucc.org/justice_public-education_philip-anshutz

http://www.dynamotheory.com/2011/11/10/2551015/the-two-sides-of-phillip-anschutz-houston-dynamo-la-galaxy-mls-cup-2011

Executives The World Over In Awe Of NWSL Model

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) has figured out something that professional leagues world wide have been dreaming about for hundreds of years. They will employ unpaid amateurs and still charge fans for tickets during the Women's World Cup.

"We took our hint from the NCAA, but asked ourselves if it would be possible to do this in a setting where nearly every player was a professional and the fans have expectations.  The NWSL has been working towards trying to create the ultimate profit margin and have finally figured it out. If we employ amateur players, don't pay them, and still charge our fans for admittance It will allow us to really make some money in the women's game." said director of Public Relations for the NWSL, Anita Wolden.

"It's very possible that during the Women's World Cup, we will create such a high profit line that our teams will be able to actually exist for a few more months. After the World Cup is over, when some of our stars pull out and go to Europe, we will still have our meager fanbases that will pay money to see our amateurs until this league implodes into a spectacular blow out. It's a win win for everyone except the fans and the players!"

TNN asked the host family of professional soccer player Caroline Delpuy if they could have permission to speak to her at their residence in east Rochester. After receiving an ok with a conditional bedtime for Delpuy and strict rules against profanities, we asked Delpuy about the situation.

"Well, I'm considering my options of playing in Sweden, playing in Spain or making more money than the NWSL will pay me by panhandling on the streets of Rochester. I mean at this point, I could probably sell Scentsy and make more money. I get that they want the league to grow, but it is hard for the players to watch the league try to succeed by financially screwing all the non-national team players who are supposed to play 'for the love and growth of the game'."

TNN asked Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson about this situation and he released the following statement "I've got 12,000 people coming in every game. I can pretty much do anything I want at this point."

Delpuy had one more thing to say, "I love this game, I'd do anything for this game, but I can't pay rent and I don't have an apartment. I'm a broke, 26 year old player with slight knee pain living in a room with a 55 year old couple in Rochester and I am working two jobs in the offseason that both individually pay me more money than I make the entire season in the NWSL. The love of the game only gets you so far."

Frank Deford Is Confirmed, A Plurality Of Americans Hate Everything

After a long winded article that was guaranteed to raise the hackles of every blue blooded American that loves soccer, The Nutmeg News can confirm that Frank Deford was eventually proven right by a simple search on the internet. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to Daniel Williams, a senior web researcher and Harvard professor of symbology, about this trend. 

The Nutmeg News: "So it is your belief that Frank Deford is correct in his assumptions of Americans and soccer?"

Williams: "Yes, although this extends into the much larger mosaic of who citizens of the United States are by and large. We are primarily, first and foremost, a nation of what the kids call 'haters'."

The Nutmeg News: "Haters? Could you elaborate?"

Williams: "The term refers to people who reflexively find themselves positioned against a cause, a sport, a lifestyle, people or nearly anything, either for a reason or just to troll other people. The United States is full of haters. We have haters of soccer, haters of good television, bad television, haters of haters, haters of Deford, haters of baseball, haters of race and gender. Primarily, this is a place where no one gets along and yet everyone also does. I mean we have groups of people in this country that would gladly take food and money away from the poor in order to inspire them to, in their words, be better. Deford is merely relying on the general statistics in the United States that indicate that out of a nation of 318 million, that easily half of that probably don't care or at least don't have a strong opinion about Major League Soccer. To be fair to soccer lovers, they should know that easily half  to three quarters of this nations 318 million people don't even know that Frank Deford is alive and that he writes opinionated idiocy online."

The Nutmeg News: "So what should fans of Major League Soccer take from this column and your research?"

Williams: "Well they should know that they are in the minority majority because most Americans hate some sport of some kind or all sport. They should also know that the number of people that give a shit about Frank Deford is directly correlated with his ability to write an irritating article about soccer in the United States. That is, to say, if you are hating on Deford, you are his market; and you are giving him the ratings that the vast majority of Americans are not giving to Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News: "Thanks, Daniel

Williams: "Thank You."

Philadelphia Union Pioneering New And Exciting Ways To Lose

Philadelphia, PA - On the heels of giving up two goals in stoppage time to Sporting Kansas City, the Philadelphia front office confirmed that they are attempting to find new and more interesting ways to lose games in the future.

"We owe it to our fans to not just lose 1-0 after being outplayed, but by insane own goals, penalty kick flubs, disastrous turn overs that ricochet off four players, goals conceded while up six players and even the legendary 'screw this I'm out of here' player own goal followed by self substitution" said Union owner Jay Sugarman who looks like a man releasing an album that is nothing but covers of Lionel Ritchie songs in this stock photo.

"Whether we pay a million dollars for three goal keepers in a salary capped league, or find a way to invest all of our money into players that don't produce, we have a methodology that allows us to not succeed for the future. Our losses will be legendary and they will be amazing."

MLS Souhaite Contrecœur Montréal Chance dans la Ligue des Champions de la CONCACAF

In an effort at language diversity, The Nutmeg News ran this article through a number of translators in the office before realizing that none spoke French. Therefore we just ran the article through Google Translate, ensuring that none of the information would make any sense. Nous sommes désolés, Montreal.

Montréal, QC - Major League Soccer (MLS) à contrecœur souhaitait Montréal chance dans la Ligue des Champions de la CONCACAF, malgré son désir d'une équipe de la MLS en demi-finale, ils pourraient commercialiser mieux que l'équipe du Québec.

La noix de muscade Nouvelles se est entretenu avec le directeur des relations publiques MLS Thomas Lubicj, "Eh bien, nous leur souhaitons bonne chance mais cela ne signifie pas que nous ne aurions pas plutôt une autre équipe dans cette position. Je veux dire, vraiment, qui aux États-Unis est l'enracinement pour Montréal. Ne importe qui? Nous pourrions tout à fait pomper le 'Best In MLS' 'angle si le LA Galaxy a fait les demi-finales. Ou nous pourrions pomper la foule dynamique si les Sounders a fait les demi-finales. Toutefois, nous nous soucions peine propos équipes canadiennes dans notre ligue, pour commencer, et encore moins ceux qui viennent d'une zone avec un mouvement sécessionniste semi-active ".

Major League Soccer a longtemps été apparemment oublieux sinon ennuyé avec leurs équipes canadiennes, et cela semble être pas différent que la ligue adopte une approche attentiste à donner une merde sur Montréal dans les demi-finales.

"Oh, bien sûr , nous allons envoyer quelques tweets et pousser une vidéo , mais cela ne nous empêche pas de vouloir que Seattle était en finale. Montréal ... Ils ne parlent même pas anglais là. " dit Lubicj . "À un certain point , nous obtiendrons notre souhait d'une véritable équipe américaine d'être en demi-finale à nouveau , et je espère que ce ne sera pas le Real Salt Lake ... parce que ils ont brûlé # MLS4RSL bonne volonté, et le calendrier à la reconfiguration sol quand ils ont perdu .Je veux dire, il suffit de penser du marketing international nous pourrions faire avec NYCFC dans les CCA demi-finales . Une ligue peut rêver .... Une ligue peut rêver . Mais bon , félicitations de Montréal et de 'bonbon chance' et tout ce qui."

MLS Begrudgingly Wishes Montreal Luck In CONCACAF Champions League

Montreal, QC - Major League Soccer (MLS) begrudgingly wished Montreal luck in the CONCACAF Champions League, despite wanting an MLS team in the semi-finals they could market better than the Quebec team.

The Nutmeg News spoke with MLS Public Relations director Thomas Lubicj,"Well, we wish them luck but that doesn't mean that we wouldn't rather have another team in that position. I mean, really, who in the United States is rooting for Montreal. Anyone? We could totally pump up the 'Best In MLS' angle if the LA Galaxy made the semi-finals. Or we could pump up the crowd dynamic if the Sounders made the semi-finals. However, we barely care about Canadian teams in our league to begin with, much less ones that come from an area with a semi-active secessionist movement." 

Major League Soccer has long been seemingly forgetful if not annoyed with their Canadian teams, and this appears to be no different as the league is taking a wait and see approach to giving a crap about Montreal in the semi-finals. 

A league chance blown, a marketing chance screwed up

"Oh sure, we will send out a few tweets and push a video, but that doesn't stop us from wishing that Seattle was in the final. Montreal... They don't even speak English there." said Lubicj. "At some point, we will get our wish for a true American team to be in the semi-finals again, and hopefully it won't be Real Salt Lake... cause they burned that #MLS4RSL goodwill, and schedule reconfiguration to the ground when they lost. I mean, just THINK of the international marketing we could do with NYCFC in the CCL semi-finals. A league can dream.... A league can dream. But hey, congratulations Montreal and BonBon Chance and all that"

The Nutmeg News Takes Credit For Sporting Kansas City Turnaround

Since being chastised in a Nutmeg News article from March 16th (http://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2015/3/16/sporting-kansas-city-petitions-for-re-admittance-into-mls-east), Sporting Kansas City have turned around their results in Major League Soccer (MLS). After the loss on the 12th of March and The Nutmeg News (TNN) column on the 16th of March, Sporting KC have taken 7 of 9 points and pulled themselves up the table to 4th in the Western conference of Major League Soccer.

TNN talked to Peter Vermes about the improvement after the win against the Philadelphia Union, "Absolutely, TNN was the reason why this season has turned around. The players read the article to each other and vowed that they would improve. This article is the sole reason for our good form in the last three games. Ike Opara just wouldn't put it down, he kept on clipping sentences from it and sending it to me on Facebook. I thought about unfriending him but he is the only person who keeps on helping me out in Candy Crush."

The Nutmeg News interviewed the editorial staff of The Nutmeg News and we were able to confirm that we are very proud of our continued efforts at enforcing accountability within the ranks of Major League Soccer. "It's clearly obvious how much of an impact this article had on the team. You could see the impact immediately. We awarded ourselves an additional bonus because of ourselves and stocked the beer fridge with an entire rack of Dom Pérignon's Carlo Rossi Blush to celebrate. We are pretty great and you can ask around the office how amazing we are", we said.

TNN asked Robert Blidart, a man on the street, for his opinion on The Nutmeg News article and he had the following to say, "who?"

TNN also spoke with Elizabeth Darrow for her opinion and she stated the following, "Yes, TNN is great, and honestly the sole reason why a team would win in sportsball. Hail to xenu the magnificent for all your gifts."

The Nutmeg News will have more on The Nutmeg News and the successes of The Nutmeg News as it happens.

MLS Confirms Preliminary Talks for Demotion of Colorado

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed that it is exploring the idea of demoting Colorado down to the USL in order to promote the Jacksonville Armada after a particularly great showing in terms of attendance.

"We are calling this measure 'enforced demotion' which, you will see, is drastically different from the idea of Promotion/Relegation. Primarily the main difference is that we have given up on the Colorado Rapids, and they just won't get a chance to come back up again", said Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer.

"The only metric that we care about is money and asses in the seats. Colorado had 11,450 at their last game and Jacksonville had 16,164. By the metric of only one game they are clearly headed in opposite directions, and privately I'd really like to screw the NASL again by taking another one of their teams. Honestly, Stan Kroenke isn't really that bothered by this because being divested of the Rapids allows him to focus in on what he really wants, the capture and then slaughter of the Los Angeles National Football League market."

The Nutmeg News learned that this enforced demotion rule was created when Major League Soccer was having difficulties with Chivas USA. Though the partnership wasn't in place with the USL to allow it at that time, MLS front office staff confirmed that the league is just going to use this as a carrot and stick philosophy until a rich oil sheikh buys an NASL team. At that time, MLS can use the enforced demotion rule to reshape Major League Soccer according to their whims.

"There's always time for us to create some new rule exception that allows us to increase profitability across the board", said Garber "I just can't wait to welcome the additional 5 thousand wallets, er... people, that attended the Jacksonville game recently."

Kaka Releases Statement After Orlando City Loss At Home

Orlando, FL - Superstar Kaka released a statement after Orlando City's loss at home on Friday night against DC United. The midfielder was clearly frustrated after setting up a number of his teammates and used the opportunity to call them out.

Kaka's press manager issued the following statement to the press,

"Friends, it is with great distaste that I must tell you of my disappointment in my teammates from last nights game. I'm a great guy and a great player. If you don't believe that just read my press clippings. However, last night this son of God was about to be a right bastard if ONE MORE PLAYER missed a shot against DC United. Never mind that their keeper, Steve or whoever, saved a ton of shots. Emile Heskey could have finished one of those shots. Hell, Niklas Bendtner could finish one of those shots. If you, my teammates, miss one more shot I'm going to have one of my associates come to your house afterward and you two will settle this like sons of Canaan as indicated in Genesis . I will be asking Orlando City management to find me a player who can actually put the ball in the net. Thanks and please go score some goals now. Kaka."

Artists rendition of Kaka getting so mad that he facepalms and Brek Shea covering his eyes in disgust.

TNN reached out to Orlando City management for comment on the press release and received the following statement.

"Well......... He's not wrong."

OPINION: The Bro Report -- Handicapping Week 5 of MLS Action

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Hey BRO, 

They told me that I'd get a whole section to write about soccer in this greatest nation ever built. So I'm going to start by saying PENIS. YEAH, whatchoo gonna do Mr Editor!  PEN [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby wrote this word 43 times in large font before continuing his story]

Yeah, Bro! AMERICA.

Now, throwin bows at the MLS action for this week. If you are skeezin on the pickups this week, you should head out to the bookies and throw down some money.

First we got, DC United versus THE MIGHTY ORLANDO. Like I told my bro's before, It aint on fleek to hate on O-CITY just cause Bro's aint down with purple.  You know who is down with Purple? My man ABROham Lincoln. BAM! ABE-DOG GIVE ME A FIST BUMP!

Orlando City to win 5-1 

Next this weekend is a bunch of shit. So instead, get wasted on Friday night, pick up some ladies, get some axe body spray, hit the late morning breakfast, drink off the hangover and then tune in for Seattle versus Houston. Nobody cares about Houston, cause once I got thrown out of a strip club for trying to pay in money that I xeroxed. Bro's before strip club drama! HIGH FIVE.

I got my homies up in SEA-TOWN winning this thing by a touch down! SEA-HawksFoLyfe! HOLLA AT YOUR BOY, RUSSEL WILSON!

Seattle to win 7-0 

Then you should be on the buzzed tip, and you can get up for Sunday, which is the worst day... unless you are hanging at the Cha-Cha house with L-Dope and the beeskidz. Get that SJ and RSL match on, sit back with some mai-tais and just drink.

YEAH BRO

My bros with the SJ Ultras to take down those uptight kids from Salt Lake. Like I knew this chick from Salt Lake and she was [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby rambles about a vulgar escapade here]

San Jose 5-2 

Now I gotta go because T-Pain is having an album release party and I'm going to rent a Ducati to drive over to my friend Olympus' house. 

Catch you next time around! HOLLA AT YOUR BRO!

Despite Weasels In Their Pants, NASL Executives Excited About The 2015 Kickoff

NEW YORK - Despite a growing problem with weasels in their pants, North American Soccer League (NASL) executives reported nothing but pure excitement over the 2015 kickoff this weekend. 

"We are looking forward to the start of the season after a very long off season" said New York Cosmos COO Erik Stover. "I mean, sure I've got a small creature running around the inside of my inseam, but we have first kick this weekend!"

Joe Robbie, president of the Fort Lauderdale Strikers, shared his excitement for the season, "We have the Cosmos first, we have some kind of bizarre association with Ronaldo (the original one) and we are ready to go. The fact that I have a weasel in my pants is only a benefit. I mean, have you ever seen Don Garber with a weasel in his pants? Or Andrew Hauptman? The NASL does it first."

Come to think of it, the weasel DOES look a lot like Andrew Hauptman

The Nutmeg News asked Major League Soccer (MLS) commissioner Don Garber about the NASL's new weasel acquisition and first kick weekend. "Well, we at Major League Soccer need to be cautious about weasel acquisition for our own executive's pants. We have implemented a 56 step secret platform that dictates whether teams can acquire a weasel for their pants. If the weasel is international and of a certain criteria, than teams that are pre-qualified for our ADVOCARE: WEASEL OF THE MONTH program will be allowed to place a weasel directly into their owners pants without too much league interference. As for the NASL first kick? You'll never succeed with free agency and transparency. Weasels for some, miniature american flags for everyone else. Major League Soccer: greatest league in the greatest country with the greatest players the world has ever known. Garber Out."

TNN will keep up with this trend of executive pants weasels as it continues.