Philadelphia Union Pioneering New And Exciting Ways To Lose

Philadelphia, PA - On the heels of giving up two goals in stoppage time to Sporting Kansas City, the Philadelphia front office confirmed that they are attempting to find new and more interesting ways to lose games in the future.

"We owe it to our fans to not just lose 1-0 after being outplayed, but by insane own goals, penalty kick flubs, disastrous turn overs that ricochet off four players, goals conceded while up six players and even the legendary 'screw this I'm out of here' player own goal followed by self substitution" said Union owner Jay Sugarman who looks like a man releasing an album that is nothing but covers of Lionel Ritchie songs in this stock photo.

"Whether we pay a million dollars for three goal keepers in a salary capped league, or find a way to invest all of our money into players that don't produce, we have a methodology that allows us to not succeed for the future. Our losses will be legendary and they will be amazing."