Tom Brady Accidentally Signs One Day Contract To Retire As New England Revolution Player

Jupiter, FL - A confused Tom Brady reportedly called his lawyer to express disbelief as it was revealed that Robert Kraft signed him to a one day contract to retire as a New England Revolution player.

Sources indicate that Brady was reportedly so angry he refused to kiss his child on the mouth before tucking them in for the night.

"What in the Sam Hill is going on here," stated an exasperated Brady as he opened a Kraft gift box that contained a 20% off coupon to Patriot Place shops, when open, and a Revolution scarf.

"Tom joins our long list of illustrious Revolution legends from Alexi Lalas to Raul Diaz Arce," stated one Revolution spokesperson. "We are excited to retire his number and hang it in the rafters next to Tyler Yellman and Gino Cappelletti."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Justin Rennicks is signed as New England Patriots quarterback.

Portland Timbers Include "Boys Will Be Boys" Slogan On 2022 Kit Jock Tag

Portland, OR - For apparently no reason in particular, the Portland Timbers announced they would include the slogan, “Boys Will Be Boys,” on the 2022 kit jock tag.

“In the past we have used that location as an homage to our fans,” stated the Timbers in a press release they sent to the business department of the New England Journal of Medicine. “However, this time we want to honor our players. The boys on the field play hard and the boys OFF the field play hard. The Boys Will Be Boys jock tag honors our commitment to that lifestyle.”

Fans reportedly were incensed that this could be some kind of attempt at justifying the horrible behavior of the front office, coaches and players over the past years, however the Front Office of the Timbers denied that.

“We love our fans, but dissident malcontents are always attempting to stir up trouble. We know that the vast majority of the stadium agrees that Boys Will Be Boys, and that’s where we stand…. with our fans.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Merritt Paulson issues a non-apology admittance that he was not involved in creation of the jock tag, nor consulted.

White Fan Decries Alleged Racism Of Black Supporters Group

Nashville, TN - Stating, “What would Martin Luther King Jr say if he saw a Black Supporters Group leaving out white people,” Nashville SC supporter Caden Skylar decried what he called the, “reverse racism of Black Supporters Groups.”

“What would Dr King say if if he saw these Black Supporters Groups not fighting for equality and leaving out others,” ranted Skylar in a Twitter thread that was locked to only allow replies from people who follow him.

"I don't know what it says that I'm not allowed to be myself in this group,” ranted Skylar. “If you think about it, the centuries of Black people being excluded from society and opportunities are the exact same as me not being able to enter a group chat for Black people. I just want to be my authentic self, which is going to games, hanging with my friends and rapping all the bars to Jay Z's ‘Money, Cash, Hoes’ before the game starts. And by that I mean ALL the lyrics.”

The Nutmeg News reached out to a source with Mixtape 615, the all-inclusive Black led supporters group for Nasvhille SC, who stated, “Skylar is one of the reasons we’re forming this. He said we couldn’t contribute because we ‘haven’t put in the time.’ We aren’t saying that Caden can’t join, we are just asking him to not be a toxic, racist dick. Apparently, he didn’t like that.”

For his part, Skylar responded to the charges of being a toxic, racist dick by stating, “My dad never owned any plantations. So, I don’t understand how anyone could say I’m racist. I went dressed as Eazy-E for Halloween! And I also am a big fan of CJ Sapong.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Skylar checks the MLS Fan Code of Conduct to see what the punishment for “discrimination” is.

Tauntaun Death Delays Fan Arrival To USMNT Game

Minneapolis, MN - The death of an Uber tauntaun has reportedly delayed the arrival of USMNT fan Jeffrey Anderson to the upcoming World Cup Qualifier this evening.

“We were crossing the frozen plains of Clifton French Park and the tauntaun just keeled over,” stated Anderson. “Uber claimed these things were rated to -20 but it looks like it could only take so much.”

Sources with Uber state that they are investigating the death of the tauntaun as they indicate that there was, “no issue with the tauntaun on their last maintenance check.”

With Anderson stranded out in the frozen urban wilderness and calling for an additional ride, Uber stated that they would be working to send out another tauntaun unless Anderson wants to pay for an upgrade to a luxury T-47 airspeeder, which would get him to the game on time.

“We apologize to Mr. Anderson however we are unable to refund him the money at this time,” stated Uber. “As part of our policy we will investigate this and he is fully able to schedule another tauntaun to pick him up.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson takes matters into his hands and hunkers down in the innards of his tauntaun as he mutters a prayer into his gore covered United States flag cape and prays for the comfort of not losing a toe due to frostbite at the game tonight.

Plan For USMNT Game In Giant Deep Freezer Cancelled After Temperature Readings Shown To Not Be Cold Enough For Home Field Advantage

CHICAGO - Plans to construct and play a USMNT world cup qualifying game in a giant deep freezer were cancelled after projected temperature readings showed that the game would not be cold enough to generate a home field advantage.

“We are really not going to be able to get down to -20,” stated US Soccer Federation (USSF) game day operations manager Josiah Leung. “In order to have a home field advantage it needs to be at least -15 Fahrenheit. Possibly even -20 in order to really make certain we will win.”

Sources say that the US Soccer Federation reached out to multiple companies in order to construct a gigantic walk in deep freezer to play all their home world cup games, however none of the companies could guarantee temperatures that the federation required.

“They said that they need it so cold that you can feel your bones age,” stated Sanderson director of cooling Frank Stewart. “I told them it sounded irresponsible and they claimed that players could get an exemption for a snood.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation petitions to have their World Cup qualifying games played at the top of Denali in a snow storm in December.

USSF Honors Black History Month With Clint Dempsey Tribute

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation announced, today, that they would kick off honoring Black History Month with a Clint Dempsey tribute.

“He raps and says ‘yo’ a lot,” stated one anonymous USSF staff member, “so he’s without a doubt USMNTs Blackest legend that we feel comfortable talking to at this time.”

Sources indicate that Dempsey will be presented with a custom made denim USMNT Kangol cap to indicate the federation and players long standing commitment to, "spitting truth in the booth," as they lauded Dempsey and fellow rap partner Big Hawk for being people who would, "stop drop and roll, I brings down the roof."

The federation reached out to Dempsey in order to join their honors system as they indicated their commitment towards anti-racism and diversity.

“It’s so great that a US Soccer legend could do so much for the Black community like Clint Dempsey, he really raps about the trap as they say in the Black community,” stated Josh Ferguson USSF director of player awards and Carli Lloyd victory tours.

“As the great one says,” stated Ferguson, “In his poetic masterpiece Don’t Tread,

‘Got nothing to lose

And everything to prove

Don't change the mood

Cause we done payed our dues

Best to give way

For the USA

Now we're hot

You might think we're a sun ray,’

and with these words Clint Dempsey shows us, like the great Martin Luther King Jr, that anything is possible in the United States.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as USSF attempts to further honor Black History Month with a Brek Shea vs Clint Dempsey Verzuz.

Doctor Cautions Patient That Addiction To Lower League Soccer Drama May Shorten Lifespan By 40 To 50 Years

Tallahassee, FL - Doctor Julia Eisen told patient John Dale that his checkup revealed a number of health concerns, not the least of which was his addiction to lower league soccer drama which reportedly could shorten Dale’s lifespan by 40 to 50 years.

“DID YOU SEE WHAT NEW AMSTERDAM DID NOW,” stated Dale as he ignored his doctors advice and continued to frantically scroll Twitter. “Oh man, oh man, this is just AMAZING.”

Sources indicate that Dale’s heart rate spiked and his cortisol levels were highly inflated as he took to another giant dumpster fire that is a lower league soccer Twitter thread where he frenetically argued about things he could not control.

“Ok, look, this is what I’m talking about and now if you look at this thread,” stated Dale to the nurse monitoring his vital signs, “you will begin to see the institutional failures that extend from NISA to the USSF to the UASAASAAASASFFA to the USAFA to the US Federal Credit Union TO THE USMC TO THE USMNT to THE UNITED STATES ITSELF MY GOD IN HEAVEN THIS GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.”

According to those in the hospital itself, a hospital gown clad Dale started to run down the aisle of the hospital yelling about, “covid protocol strengthening the hands of the administration of the NISA sanctions on New Amsterdam,” before he was forcefully strapped to a gurney and administered Ketamine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dale starts a wellness program that contains a Twitter social distancing mandate aimed at reducing his exposure to lower league soccer drama.

Philadelphia Union Mascot Swears Revenge After Brek Shea Removes Cousin From Inter Miami Practice

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union mascot “Phang” announced that he would seek revenge as he levied a vendetta against Brek Shea for removing a cousin of his from the recent Inter Miami practice.

“My cousin called me and said Brek Shea forcibly removed him from a field that he had a press pass for,” stated Phang to The Nutmeg News. “He didn’t even check. He will get what’s coming to him, I swear it on the old gods and the new.”

Phang reportedly began his work in the shadows by reaching out to the ACLU to have them file a lawsuit against Shea for impacting the right of the press to be at the game, while simultaneously contacting a Cottonmouth snake named Nico who... "Has connections."

“My cousin Barry has every right to attend the game as a credentialed reporter for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel,” ranted Phang. “How dare Shea snakehandle him. He was attempting to show his credentials. You can admit your wrong doing, Mr.Shea, or you could get a nasty surprise come May 18th. The choice is yours.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Phang had to cut the interview short due to a phone call from a Rattlesnake named “Tiny”.

Atlanta United Defender Requests To Work From Home This Season

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United reserve defender Austin Brogan requested the ability to work from home this season as he cited the ongoing Coronavirus issues that plague the nation.

“I feel that in this day and age I should be able to complete all of my duties at home,” stated Brogan to Atlanta United staff. “I can be set up to do virtual training and I’ll be able to contribute as much as anyone did in 2021 by working from home.”

Brogan indicated that other players were able to play from home during the 2021 season and that he felt that the responsibilities of an Atlanta United defender allowed him to telecommute to his job.

“In this day and age, you will attract more of the youth to your workplace if you allow us to work remotely,” stated Brogan in his presentation. “Many people from my generation do not see the need to come into an office and a life as an Atlanta United defender would allow me to work from Grenada, Costa Rica or the beaches of Coronado. Either way, I believe that the way forward for this defense is a home office and zoom call ins to games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Analytics develop a WfH VORP statistic.

"That'll Show Him," Mutters Timbers Fan As He Scrawls, "Fuck You," In Memo Of $2660 Season Ticket Payment

Portland, OR - Dissatisfied with the way the ownership of the Timbers and Thorns have dealt with the alleged sexual abuse of Thorns players by Paul Riley and the way in which the team responded to questions asked by fans regarding these and other situations, Timbers fan Tim Alewetz muttered, “that’ll show him,” as he scrawled, “fuck you,” in the memo of a $2660 season ticket payment to the team, before the upcoming deadline.

“I am thoroughly pissed off,” stated Alewetz as he ensured that he paid for another season of Timbers soccer. “Not enough to stop going and not enough to stop giving Merritt Paulson my money, but enough for me to have some strong words for my ticket representative.”

Sources indicate that friction between the supporters groups and fans of the MLS and NWSL sides in Portland and the respective front office that manages both have boiled over recently as the Timbers and Thorns front office recently announced they would no longer meet with the governing body of the supporters groups.

“And that upsets me,” stated Alewetz. “Not to the point of stopping my consistent 10 year effort of financing the front office, but I’m really strongly considering doing that next season unless we go on another playoff run in which case I’ll likely keep my tickets just in case they become difficult to get again.”

Alewetz indicated to our reporter that he knew that his money went to Hank and Merritt Paulson and that the season tickets he had for the Thorns during the Riley scandal likely went to attempts to cover up and defray the horrid sexual abuse perpetuated by the head coach. However, he stated, “look, it sucks… but what am I supposed to do? I’ve made much of my time, life and last 10 years about the team, and if I stop now…. what do I have left?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alewetz strongly urges his fellow fans to support an online petition that will force the 107ist to assign a quorum of fans to petition for arbitration with the possibility of financial sanctions of which he plans to not take part.

Entire Philadelphia Union eMLS Team Comes Down With eCOVID-19 As Fans Beg For Reschedule

Philadelphia, PA - The entire Philadelphia Union eMLS team came down with eCOVID-19 as Union fans begged for a reschedule of an upcoming game.

“We are sympathetic to their concerns,” stated eComissioner of eMLS eDon eGarber. “However, the game will continue as scheduled.”

Despite the eUnion team containing eLIonel Messi, eRonaldinho, and eNeymar, all of the players were required to virtually quarantine for eCOVID-19 exposure.

“We must uphold the integrity of the eMLS season qualifiers,” stated eGarber. “And while I understand this is painful, we must continue to play the game.”

According to insider sources with the eUnion, the team will be forced to play actually eUnion players instead of the typical international roster of legends that is typically used.

“I’m DOOMED,” stated eMLS player Serg Matias. “The only way to play these games is if you have a vintage Ronaldo”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Union fans angrily demand that NYCFC forfeit whatever upcoming game they have anyway, even if they aren’t playing against them.

Venerated Soccer Twitter Insider Not Recognized At Grocery Store

Seattle, WA - Venerated soccer Twitter insider Paul Adams stated that he was shocked that he was not recognized at a local grocery store by multiple individuals wearing Seattle Sounders merchandise as he posted another rumor about an imminent singing to his Twitter account.

Adams said that his confusion started with a woman in the bread aisle wearing a Sounders hat did not immediately know him from his Twitter account where he leaks transfer rumors that are 11% accurate.

“Perhaps she just moved here. I should give her a break. If she was a real Sounders fan she would know who I am, given my coverage of the current contract negotiations with incoming players over the past month. To be fair to me, it’d be hard not to know who I am, actually.”

When The Nutmeg News asked the bread aisle woman and an additional child in the produce section about if they knew Adams, they said they were no interested in buying any Nutmeg and to leave them alone.

Adams was insistent that his Twitter celebrity has unintended consequences as he described an incident of overwhelming notoriety at Elysian Fields on gameday where someone yelled, “oh shit, I know you,” and came in for a hug before Adams realized that the person in question was talking to someone behind him.

“After 10 years of giving my all for the soccer scene here, it just shows you how ungrateful people are,” stated Adams on his alternate, “real talk,” Twitter account where he dispenses with the bland paternalistic saturation that he claims gives him the authority to constantly speculate upon inane bullshit with the team.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Adams stifles an additional burst of anger at not being praised for his insider knowledge by a pizza delivery driver with an ECS sticker on his car.

FC Dallas Superdraft Pick Sent Bayern Munich Scarf To Hold Up

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas Superdraft pick Rich Lund reported that he was sent a Bayern Munich scarf to hold up instead of an FC Dallas scarf as the player expressed his gratitude to the front office for the opportunity.

“I’m glad to have been picked by FC Dallas… I think… ,” stated Lund to The Nutmeg News. “They insisted this was the correct scarf and it wasn’t a mistake. So… Ich bin ein Dallaser?”

Sources with the Dallas front office indicate that they have a collection of possible teams that they will attempt to move players to within the next few years as they stated, “It may not be Bayern, but we want our players to dream, right?”

For his part, Lund stated that he was overjoyed with the possibility of getting a starting position within the the top teams of the Bundesliga as he stated, “Ok, so it’s Dallas but I’m basically playing for a German team to be named and that’s pretty great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as FC Dallas asks how Lund feels about the idea of going to Bielefeld.

Private Twitter Account Really Taking Supporters Group To Task, We Think

NEW YORK - Based upon the volume of responses of other Red Bull fans to an account we can't actually read due to the account being private, it appears that @warhammer4kMetroFan is taking some group in the South Ward to task for all their faults.

“I got a quote tweet on the official account about a scarf order we’re doing that didn’t appear. It had to be @warhammer4kMetroFan. I think they’re still mad they didn’t get a bigger backing to run things though I’m not sure. He’s private.”

A number of responses indicate that @warhammer4kMetroFan is, “speaking truth,” to … something… although a current glance at the account shows nothing but people replying to the account.

“He’s right, but I’m going to let him speak for himself,” stated good friend @BackeUpRB “It’s not my place to explain his words, you’ll just have to get him to accept your follow in order to see everything.”

Despite the privacy, a number of people want answers from whatever group @warhammer4kMetroFan is talking about as they Quote Tweet his unreadable thread, we think, and ask for answers from all involved.

“It’s some really great stuff,” stated @RBNYUSMNTStan. “You just gotta know that he’s speaking with the full passion that this supporters group should really understand and listen to.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we immediately regret getting access to view @warhammer4kMetroFan’s tweets.

Twitter Announces Carli Lloyd Farewell Tour

INTERNET - Social Media company Twitter announced a four month Twitter Farewell tour for Carli Lloyd that will serve as Lloyd’s final tweets in a U.S uniform. Lloyd will also continue using social media the remainder of the 2022 season before also calling time on her Instagram, Parler, Facebook, and 8chan career.

“When I first started out with Twitter, my two main goals were to be the most hard working Tweeter that I could be and to criticize Fed-Ex delivery,” said Lloyd. “Every single day I stepped out onto the social media field, I tweeted as if it was my last game. I never wanted to tweet anything for granted, especially knowing how hard it is to get to the top, but even harder to stay at the top for so long. And I’ve stayed at the top of Twitter forever.”

Lloyd ends a historic Twitter career that began in January of 2010 when she debuted online by randomly blocking a fan with 10 followers who suggested, without tagging Lloyd, that she didn’t pass the ball correctly in a game.

“I would like to thank Twitter for helping to provide the opportunities to castigate delivery drivers. I am forever grateful for the verification and to be able to tweet and block fans for the last 11 years,” said Lloyd. “I will continue to support and cheer Twitter on an continue to find ways to inspire the next generation online.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lloyd announces 13 more friendlies blocked on her Twitter tour.

2021 Relegated On Final Day Of The Year

INTERNET - Experts and pundits were shocked as 2021 was relegated from the season on the final day of the year.

Sources indicate that 2021 thought it had the points to stay up, but it turns out that they fatally miscounted the amount it needed to avoid the drop and as of midnight, they were relegated.

“We feel for our fans,” stated 2021 General Manager Ali Curtis. “They supported us all through 2021 and we were hoping to celebrate with them in the end, but… well… it all fell apart.”

Experts indicate that this may permanently hurt 2021 and the legacy of the year as the requirements from a relegated year could hamstring the system moving forward.

“My god, think of the parachute payments they have left over,” stated Janus Dubrovnic of TSNBC. “2021 is never going to recover from this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 2021 gets relegated even further to the dustbin of bullshit years after further review.

FC Cincinnati Eliminated From 2022 Playoffs

Cincinnati, OH - As the clock struck midnight on 2021, FC Cincinnati were found to be eliminated from the 2022 Major League Soccer playoffs.

“Well, we had a good 2022 season,” stated FC Cincinnati fan Derrik Anderson. “We didn’t lose as much as in 2021, 2020 and 2019 … so that’s nice.”

Reportedly, some thought the announcement to be premature, however a close examination of the playoff qualification table showed that FC Cincinnati was on the outside looking in.

“We will try use the rest of the year to get ready for 2023,” stated one FC Cincinnati insider. “There’s a lot of battles for positions and we hope that our fans will understand that we hope to see some maturity from the team in the next 12 months.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Cincinnati announce that they have fired Pat Noonan and Chris Albright.

Faithful Timbers Fan Still Waiting In Online Queue For MLS Cup Presale

Portland, OR - Staring at his computer for the 19th day in a row, Timbers fan Michael Williams stated that he was confident that he would be next in line to purchase tickets from the Seat Geek marketplace.

“I renewed my tickets for 2022 like they asked,” stated Williams. “I am confident that I’m going to get my opportunity in this first presale to purchase the tickets I need to attend the cup game at home.”

According to friends, Williams has completely isolated himself from any other news, activity or life other than waiting for the tickets as he perpetually stands guard waiting for his opportunity to purchase.

“It will come, as they claimed. The Timbers, Merritt Paulson, and our ticketing staff set up a fair system that is weighted based upon special season ticket holders who already renewed for 2022. I’m very confident that I’m going to get my opportunity to purchase tickets. After the tickets come the cup. After the cup comes the parade. After the parade comes the purchasing of limited edition Timbers merchandise from their online shop. After the purchasing I can finally sleep.”

Family reportedly attempted to reach out to Williams in order to reason with him but he stated that, “I keep my vigil! I KEEP MY VIGIL! The game is not over, it has not even begun! There is no way that they would leave a valued member of their upper echelon Axe Society fanbase repeat membership since 2011 to rot alone in this online queue. My name is on a plaque inside the stadium! This is clearly just a test to prove how much of a fan that I am. I will serve my emperor in all things Timbers until he tells me that my watch is ended. The war has just begun!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams debates about whether to refresh his browser or call Seat Geek customer service before he cleanses himself of these doubts by knotting up a Timbers bathrobe into a cat of nine tails and flagellating himself in front of a picture of Merritt Paulson holding MLS Cup from 2015.

Insigne Asks Lawyer To Check For Spelling Error On Torino Contract

Naples, ITALY - Napoli and Italian national team player Lorenzo Insigne reportedly asked his lawyer to double check for a spelling error on his upcoming Torino contract as he looked over the last details on his move away from Napoli.

“Right there,” stated Insigne, “It looks like there’s an ONT where there should be an I. Please Iron that out so we can finalize the deal.”

According to insider sources, Insigne is excited about his upcoming payday and ability to stay somewhat close to home as he attempts to take Torino FC up to the top of Serie A over the next few years.

“Please check, I don’t want to get it mixed up with Toronto FC. That’d not only spark a big debate about the world standing of MLS, but I don’t like the cold, and… to be very honest….. I consider Drake to be a very average musician.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Insigne gets another ominous call from a Tim Hortons PR rep.

FC Dallas Fanbase Submits Transfer Request To VfL Wolfsburg

Dallas, TX - In light of another fan favorite player leaving the team, the collected fanbase of Major League Soccer (MLS) side FC Dallas submitted a transfer request to allow them to leave for VfL Wolfsburg.

“It is apparent that we’ve outgrown this club,” stated the FC Dallas fanbase. “As such, we would like FC Dallas to respect our wishes and allow us to move to Wolfsburg where we feel like we can continue to develop.”

With Dallas reportedly inches away from transferring Ricardo Pepi to the German club, sources say that the front office is loathe to move the entire fanbase there unless they can get allocation money in return.

“The concern is that we won’t be able to get enough developing prospects to make it worth our while,” stated one FC Dallas insider. “It’s not that we mind losing the entire Dallas fanbase to Wolfsburg, but can we get a USL youth prospect that we can eventually flip to Red Bull Salzburg? Well, that’s the big question.”

None of this has stopped the FC Dallas fans from clamoring for their release, however, as they continue to indicate that they want out.

“No more,” stated Aaron Stewart, of Oak Lawn. “I just want to have the transfer to Wolfsburg go through so I can show everyone on Instagram my new allegiances. They are dragging this on for far too long. ANNOUNCE ME! ANNOUNCE ME MOVING”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wolfsburg executives debate whether they can offer 2 conditional future MLS draft picks for all of the FC Dallas fans in Plano.