Gifted Manchester United Scarf Ensures Fair-Weather US Fan Will Keep Up Charade Of Supporting Team For Another Year

Omaha, NE - A gifted Manchester United scarf given to fair-weather fan David Hughes will reportedly require Hughes to keep up the charade of being a fan for another year as he said a dispirited, “thank you,” to good friend and avid soccer fan Phil Kincaid.

“One year I got out to the bar with him and I’m a Manchester United fan for life,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Every fucking boxing day…. EVERY YEAR… I can’t escape it.”

According to Hughes, he went with Kincaid to watch the game, five years ago, for the novel idea of drinking during the morning and getting away from the family. However, Kincaid took this as a sign of Hughes undying devotion to the team.

“It’s our thing,” stated Kincaid. “We take some time away from the family to watch the boys in red play. It’s a great tradition and it really helps that David is such an avid fan.”

For his part, Hughes stated that he will again spend the next 365 days exchanging text messages with Kincaid talking about how much he misses Alex Ferguson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes steps out on Kincaid by watching a Manchester City game with with new friend Thomas Zubaj.

OL Reign Announce 2023 Move Back To Tacoma And 2024 Move To Spokane

Seattle, WA - After announcing a 2022 move back to Seattle from Tacoma, National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) side Olympique Lyonnais Reign announced a 2023 move back to Tacoma followed by a 2024 move to Spokane, to increase attendance.

“We are announcing our plans early in order to allow enough support to build over the next year and a half to truly make our move to Spokane a grand debut,” stated OL Reign CEO Bill Predmore. “Given enough time, we will find a place where we can generate enough interest in our team to keep them in one place, or we will just move them back to Tacoma.”

Sources indicate that players are worried that the move will take a toll on their already meager finances, but are resigned to the move happening as one anonymous player stated, “Well…. It’s better than Fife.”

However, fans in the Seattle area are reportedly incensed at the constant moving as they claim that, “Moving a team nearly every two years is no the way to build a fanbase.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as OL Reign announce a move to Cheney, Washington.

FC Cincinnati Fan Feels Ill After Wooden Spoon Included In Cutlery Gift Set

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati fan Davy Hernandez reportedly excused himself to the bathroom after realizing that a cutlery set given to him for Christmas by his extended family contained a wooden spoon.

Stating, "Oh fuck, not again," Hernandez rushed to the bathroom for the rest of the gift opening with his in-laws. “The ladle and salad forks were awesome, they fit with my kitchen décor, but I can’t help to think that my in-laws are making fun of me with the wooden spoon inclusion. Who includes a wooden spoon? WHO EVEN NEEDS ONE,” stated a retching Hernandez as he scrolled the hashtag and repeated the litany against fear.

"We looked high and low for the RIGHT set for Davy, and this was the gift,” stated Tom and Carla Overbeek. “I just don’t understand why he went pale when he opened it, It’s not like we got him a Kevin Schindler kit.”

For his part, Hernandez stated that he was confident that his sick feeling would pass as he stated, “Well, I’ve been through this before in 2021, 2020, and 2019.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez just scrolls through Instagram reels from the dark corner of the couch and slowly stares off into the distance.

Ted Unkel Retirement Has Man Questioning Who He Will Now Blame For Teams Terrible Play

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC fan Trevor Hughes stated that the recent retirement of Ted Unkel has him questioning who he will now blame for the terrible play and horrible losses of Orlando City.

“I could always just scream profanities at Ted and blame him for the loss,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “But now I’m going to be dangerously close to actually blaming the team and the front office for losses.”

Hughes was aghast when he found out that his favorite punching bag was leaving the referee ranks, and felt even more overwhelmed when he realized Alan Kelly was gone.

“Look, I blame the referees, during the game and after. It’s what I do. What am I supposed to do? Blame the players for making the foul? Blame the ownership for buying the players? That’s a slippery slope. It’s ALWAYS the referee’s fault.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes concentrates all of his efforts on the fact that Chris Penso is going to cost Orlando City the playoffs in 2022.

Merritt Paulson Promotes Ticketing Senior Vice President After He Antagonizes Timbers Fans Online

Portland, OR - After losing to NYCFC on penalties in MLS Cup 2021, Merritt Paulson announced that he would be promoting Senior Vice President Joe Cote to a higher position in the organization and giving him a bonus after Cote intentionally antagonized fans on Twitter hours after the Timbers lost.

“This is the kind of behavior I look for from my Senior Vice President and I hope it continues,” stated Paulson in a release online.

Cote went on Twitter to antagonize fans using private emails to call a fan out online hours after the 2021 Cup loss as he “Merritt Paulson’d” Timbers fans.

“I remain proud of Joe and I hope he tells the other fake fans to take off. We don’t need fans like them and never did,” stated Paulson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson goes after all the other fans in the stadium for not doing enough to get the Timbers a win.

NYCFC Announce Victory Parade To Be Held In Hartford, Connecticut

NEW YORK - MLS Champion New York City Football Club (NYCFC) today announced that due to a busy holiday schedule that their victory parade would he held at the site of their legendary 1-0 win over Toronto FC in Hartford, Connecticut.

“We attempted to contact the New York City permits and licenses department to authorize a parade for our champions but they told us they were busy due to the holiday season,” stated one NYCFC source. “So instead we will take our championship to Hartford. We hope that our passionate fanbase will understand.”

Fans were reportedly infuriated at this move as the stated that this showed a, “level of disrespect to the sport and the team.’

However, Jeremy Grant, of Brooklyn, stated that he, “much preferred travelling to Hartford for this than Harrison because they don’t have any cups out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC offer a 2-1 coupon on transportation out to Hartford.

Portland Timbers Owner Hank Paulson Calls For Bailout Of Seatgeek

Portland, OR - Concerned about the viability and effect of website outages causing a severe drop in ticket purchases, Portland Timbers owner Hank Paulson called for an immediate bailout of the ticket reseller Seatgeek.

“The longer this website is not functional, the more that I am troubled that we will not be able to service our fans with $500 general admission tickets,” stated Paulson to his staff.

According to insiders, Paulson called for the Timbers fans to use hundreds of billions of dollars to help Seatgeek clean up nonperforming tickets threatening the liquidity of the reseller.

“We MUST stabilize our ticket market. This could have a dire domino effect to the rest of the world. If Seatgeek fails then Ticketmaster, Stubhub and Vivid Seats are next! We MUST inject a high amount of capital into Seatgeek NOW!”

Paulson said he was disgusted to see fans who didn’t get tickets today. “That’s 500 dollars they could be spending that could build our great atmosphere, which lets be honest, is a fair price for the experience of America’s greatest soccer atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as members of the Timbers Army respond with a 13 post twitter thread.

Linguistics Professors Excited As Revolution Introduce MLS Next Pro Team "Revolution II, Too"

INTERNET - Linguists were excited when the New England Revolution announced that they would enter a team in the MLS Next Pro league called New England Revolution II, Too.

“We’re so excited that the front office of the team is keeping the original Revolution II, while also having another youth team that is also Revolution II but different than the original,” stated Professor Jefferson Torrence, director of Symbology and Linguistics at Harvard of Toledo. “It's the Revolution II, Too, or the Revolution II, As Well. I am very excited about this new intersection of language and sporting teams. It really allows a fully esoteric branch of naming conventions.”

Sources say that the team worked with experts to identify a way to delineate between the Revolution II and the Revolution II, Too and felt that this was a clear way to chart a path forward.

“I’m very impressed they didn’t do the trite Revolution II.5 that we here in the linguistics community were expecting,” stated Professor Tony Williams. “This is a clear definition, but also an artful display of language. The comma usage alone is absolutely top class. As we all know, when using the word too, you only need to use a comma before it for emphasis. According to The Chicago Manual of Style, a comma before too should be used only to note an abrupt shift in thought. This comma usage clearly delineates between Revolution II in USL League One and Revolution II, Too in MLS Next Pro.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as North Texas SC renames to Dallas FC II, But Also Not Really.

NYCFC Fan Excited To Travel To Portland For The First Time Since Proud Boys Rally

NEW YORK - NYCFC supporter Tony Aaronson stated that he was excited to travel to Portland for the first time since the Portland Proud Boys rally as he readied for the upcoming MLS Cup game.

“Excited to be returning to this beautiful city for pleasure instead of work this time.” said Aaronson. “It’s a different kind of scarf and banners trip this time.”

Attempting to keep it casual, Aaronson stated that he would be bringing his Fred Perry shirt, but this time in NYCFC colors.

“This is NYCFC colors, that’s it… I promise,” stated Aaronson as he stuffed a blue lined American flag into his bag. “I’m just out there to support the boys.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Aaronson double checks to see if he’s on a no fly list.

Two Time Schuykill River Men's Recreational Soccer League Over 40 Goalkeeper Of The Year Makes Himself Available To The Philadelphia Union

Philadelphia, PA - After reports started coming in of potentially a massive number of Philadelphia Union players being out due to health and safety concerns, Gary Evans, the two time Schuykill River Men’s recreational over 40 goalkeeper of the year, made himself available to the team.

“I’m ready to go,” stated Evans through his agent, himself. “I’ve got my gloves and I already am starting to stretch and I should be loosened up by the time the game kicks off tomorrow as long as I don’t forget my glucosamine and my theragun.”

With 11 players potentially out including Andre Blake and Joe Bendik, Evans seized the opportunity to put himself into the spotlight.

“I’m fit, I’m in good form and I’m ready to go,” stated Evans. “Trust me when I say that I can cover the net and the field. I can even play as a striker if needed. I’ve been known to score a cheeky goal form time to time and still make it back to play my position.”

Sources privy to the details of Evans demands of the Union indicate that Evans asked for the #! kit, a roll of athletic KT tape and a centerback who can take goalkicks for him as he, “just doesn’t have the distance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Union try to call up everyone from the USL.

Philadelphia Union Offer One Supporters Group Seat To NYCFC Away Fans

Philadelphia, PA - Sources with the supporters groups of NYCFC indicate that the Philadelphia Union have restricted their available seats for the upcoming playoff game even further as the Union offered one supporters group seat to NYCFC away fans.

If you look with binoculars you can make out the individual seat high up on the bridge in the distance.

“We know these dudes like to steal seats too, so were minimizing our sacrificing to one chair,” sated one anonymous Union employee. “It’s not rude, it’s a precaution.”

Publicly, Union officials feel they are justified as they stated, “It’s not about maximizing home field advantage, it’s about being fair to the millions of Union fans who want to see us in the playoffs, and them adding to the home feel to our players.”

However, the undue restrictions have NYCFC fans crying foul as they queued up in an online distribution system to see which lucky fan would be able to take in the upcoming playoff game.

“This is completely and utterly isnane and a total betrayal of supporters group culture and the very fabric of soccer in the entirety of the world…… but at least I don’t have to travel to Hartford again, so that’s a win,” stated one NYCFC fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Philadelphia Union figure out during which designated 2 minute slot the NYCFC fan can perform chants.

Chicago Red Stars "December To Remember" Sales Event Features Low Mileage Midfielders And Lease Options On Goalkeepers

CHICAGO - On a day filled with blockbuster trades, the Chicago Red Stars, today, launched their “December To Remember,” sale as they moved six players to other teams in the league.

“WE ARE WHEELING AND DEALING AND OPEN FOR BUSINESS,” stated the Red Stars staff. “Look at this low mileage midfielder! Why she barely has any game time at all!”

Sources indicate that the Red Stars were offering low financing options and signing gifts for the teams if they decide to take a player home.

“Buy one get one 50% off,” stated the Red Stars advertisement. “Each midfielder comes with a set of practice cones, a Chipotle gift card, and a 30 day money back guarantee. Come take a look at our goalkeepers now available at our low, low 3% interest rates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Red Stars claim that the terms and conditions of the sale indicate that you can’t return a player if they break down once they leave the team.

Nashville SC Scrambles To Add Above Goal Net To New Stadium

Nashville, TN - Following a spate of saved and flagrantly missed penalty kicks that ended their playoff run, the front office of Nashville SC scrambled to add a net above the goal mouth at their new stadium.

“We must keep the cars that our fans drive to the stadium safe,” stated Nashville SC representative Jerrod Hall. “With the errant balls flying out of the stadium and moving to a smaller stadium footprint, we decided to be forward thinking in protecting our fans and their vehicles.”

Sources indicate that multiple fans called the front office to voice their concerns about getting a ball smashed into their face or into their windshield from future errant penalty kicks. This outcry lead to the change in safety standards.

“I mean, all you need to do is watch the last few minutes of that game and you have to wonder,” stated Nashville fan Jerome Wolf., “Is my Daewoo Lanos going to be safe in the far parking lot?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wolf begins to park his car in his garage and take a Lyft into the stadium…. just to be safe.

MLS Institutes “Mandatory Shot On Goal” Rule After RSL/Sounders Debacle

Seattle, WA - Major League Soccer, today, instituted a “mandatory shot on goal” rule after Real Salt Lake went through in the MLS playoffs without having a single recorded shot on goal.

"We are hereby mandating that the winning team must register at least one shot on goal,” stated the MLS press release. “If the winning team does not have a shot on goal by the end of the game, they will lose and be docked 100k in GAM.”

Officials in MLS were reportedly aghast that the game would finish with one of their favorites getting knocked out by a team with 38% possession and zero shots on goal.

“If we are to be one of the best leagues in the world by 2030, we have to clean up our act” said Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. “We can’t just have our favorites knocked out by statistical oddities and oddball plays. Our favorites must dominate the league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league introduces the +1 home higher seed goal rule that allows any home higher seed with a large home crowd to increase their goal count by 1 at any time.

10 Additional American Soccer Coaches Who Are Also Not Ted Lasso

Our exhaustive research department worked overtime to find ten additional American soccer coaches, other than Bruce Arena, who are also not Ted Lasso.

Here they are in no specific order:

#1 Jim Curtin

NOT Ted Lasso

#2 Bob Bradley

NOT Ted Lasso

#3 Gregg Berhalter

NOT Ted Lasso

#4 Jesse Marsch

NOT Ted Lasso

#5 Caleb Porter

NOT Ted Lasso

#6 Greg Vanney

NOT Ted Lasso

#7 Peter Vermes

NOT Ted Lasso

#8 Chris Armas

NOT Ted Lasso

#9 Brian Schmetzer

NOT Ted Lasso

#10 Tab Ramos

NOT Ted Lasso

NWSL Ownership Groups Task Social Media Managers To Put Together Place Holder "We Stand With The Players" Messages For Future Abusive Coach Scandals

INTERNET - Ownership groups across the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) are reportedly tasking their social media managers to put together a place holder, “We stand with the players who are fiercely advocating for change, and we are committed to doing our part to ensure a safe environment for the League’s players, staff, volunteers and fans,” messages for their future abusive coach scandals as the league ownership groups continue to be completely unable to stop doing horrible things.

“It’s important for us to remind you, the fan, that we are all in this together even though we SPECIFICALLY are the ones hiring and covering up for abusive head coaches, managers and general managers in this league,” stated one anonymous NWSL team employee.

A look at the draft indicates that it is specifically set up to ensure that fans believe the team is on their side and not, in actual reality, the specific entity that set up a scenario where men in power abused their position.

“If we word this the right way then it will seem that we are fighting the good fight even though we would technically be fighting that fight against ourselves,” stated one manager. “It’s all semantics anyway, right? We definitely stand with the players, we just would rather not hear anything about what is going on.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we stand with the players who are fiercely advocating for change.

Red Stars Owner Arnim Whisler Reaches Out To Merritt Paulson, Steve Baldwin, Steve Malik And Sunil Gulati For Advice On How To Avoid Taking Responsibility

CHICAGO - After another bombshell report indicted another National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) male head coach of abusive, manipulative and inappropriate behavior, Chicago Red Stars owner Arnim Whisler reached out to Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson, Washington Spirit owner Steve Baldwin, North Carolina Courage owner Steve Malik, and former US Soccer Federation president Sunil Gulati for advice on how to avoid taking any responsibility.

“So may have this happened on my watch,” stated Whilser who was interrupted by Paulson telling him that he’s already admitted too much and to try to re-state this thought as, “we are saddened by these developments.”

“The first step is to indicate that you understand the concerns and to tell everyone that an investigation of some kind will take place,” stated Malik.

“The next step should be to be silent for a long time, maybe take a month or two or three,” stated Sunil Gulati

“After all of that, indicate you are following through with the investigation and then maybe just change some titles around,” stated Paulson again. “If you are lucky, the season will start up again and people will be distracted by the games enough for them to get tired of hearing about all the bad news.”

For his part, Baldwin suggested finding a female member of staff to feud with, but was told that he was already part of the problem for owners league wide for actually stating that he would sell the Spirit.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this, unfortunately.

Joey Saputo Announces New CF Montreal Fan Relinquishment Program

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, the president of Club de Foot Montreal (Montreal Impact), announced a new Fan Relinquishment program where customer service representatives will be given bonuses based upon how many supporters they drive away.

Joey Saputo - human rendering of a collection of cow parts.

“Too many people focus on the power that their fans have,” stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. “For our part we would like to lose some fans. Specifically we would like to lose a lot of fans from our supporters groups so that I can blame them for the lack of support with the team in the area.”

Sources indicate that Customer Service representatives have been given quotas to hit on how many fans they drive away with the best fan relinquishment representative winning an all expensive trip to Quebec City in order to tell one lucky fan to fuck off in person.

“Who needs Fan Retention,” stated one Montreal employee. “We need fewer fans, and we need them now.”

Sources indicate that this is especially prevalent with customer service representative who handles the accounts of the supporters groups as they stated, “Mr. Saputo set the ground rules. We went and told the fans to support us or we will sell the team and make certain that it gets moved to the United States. They needed to know that they are all disposable.”

For his part, Mr Saputo was reflective and wistful as he stated, “I will salt the earth and burn this club to the ground before I cater to any of their demands”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Montreal continues to be run into the ground.

Racing Louisville Fans Frantically Clean Up Before Guests Come Over

Louisville, KY - Amid a flurry of sweeping and cleaning, Racing Louisville fans and executives spent the day frantically cleaning up before guests arrive.

“We just got so busy we really didn’t have time to clean the way we wanted to,” said fan Erica Martin who took an errant sock off the field. ”Oh my god why didn’t we start sooner.”

Sources indicate that Martin organized fans into a collection of people with specific duties that immediately fell apart as soon as people started criticizing the way in which people were cleaning.

"You DONT load the novelty cups in the dishwasher in the lower rack! WHO DID THIS,” stated one anonymous person.

“We have so many fans coming in from all over the country, and we still haven’t mopped. They’re going to be here any minute now, and this place is still not clean. There’s still clothes in the dryer.” Said Martin, yelling at another fan to just throw some boxes in a closet. “We just do NOT have time to be detail oriented, someone pick up the corner edge of the sod so I can just sweep everything underneath.”

Our reporters spoke to Racing fan Steve Phillips who immediately responded, “If you are going to mop like this then you are not going to get things clean. You have to mop like THIS, not like THIS, if you mop like THIS, then it isn’t going to work. I feel like no one here understands proper mopping technique. Here, let me show you, we need to mop like THIS, not THAT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Red Stars player trips over a coffee cup that someone kicked under the turf by the goal.

DoorDash Sponsorship Allows Angel City Players Additional Job Opportunity So They Can Afford Rent

LOS ANGELES - Touting their new partnership with DoorDash, Angel City FC representatives stated that the partnership will allow Angel City players an additional job opportunity so they can afford rent in the greater Los Angeles area.

“It’s not a side hustle if it is a partner,” stated Angel City FC spokesman Charles Amari. “This situation is what we call vertical integration. This allows our players to really help our local communities as we will happily be taking 20% of the player paycheck in order to give back to the community and add more grassroots restaurant franchises like McDonalds and Taco Bell.”

Sources indicate that Angel City is absolutely bullish on this strategic partnership changing the way in which the entirety of the NWSL operates.

“We know the players said no more side hustles, but this isn’t a side hustle. This is additional community service with a valued partner for which our players are also paid and a way for them to connect with the fans. This will allow us to employ our players full time via a profit sharing methodology where DoorDash shares their profits with us and we share our profits with our shareholders.”

Leaked files shared with The Nutmeg News indicate that Angel City plans to have players not only deliver late night food in order to make their bills, but they will also deliver surprise season tickets via their DoorDash routes.

“This is our way of giving back,” stated Amari. “And its our way of ensuring that our athletes are grounded in the community by fully understanding the indentured nature of the gig economy. This is also our way of finding out which players have a reliable car as we can offer them decent rates on the purchase of a brand new luxury car, once we announce our new partnership. We believe that DoorDash shows the utopic possibility that happens when an workforce of disparate and non-union employees band together to squeeze more productivity out of their day because they need to pay off a emergency room visit and ambulance ride from 2012.”

When asked about how this went over with the players Union, the Angel City FC executives said they didn’t know what that was."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Angel City orders a 2:00 pm delivery from Burger King in order to ensure that their backup goalkeeper makes it to practice on time.