USL Publishes Instagram Post Claiming That THEY Are The Ones Leaving MLS B Teams

INTERNET - The United Soccer League (USL) published a verbose Instagram post on Friday claiming that, in fact, they are the ones leaving the MLS B teams and not the other way around.

“They didn’t leave us, we left them,” stated the long winded post. “We told them, first, that we were leaving them and everyone should know that it was OUR decision.”

With the announcements made that some MLS teams would be pulling out of the USL, the league wanted to make certain that it retained the dignity that remains during this painful breakup.

“It was always, ‘me, me, me, me, me,’ and we just got tired of it,” stated the USL post. “What about OUR needs? What about growing the game? What about a pathway to pro? What about having fans actually want to come out to see the game instead of the barren wastelands of their stadiums? They can spin it however they want, but we broke up with THEM.”

For their part, the USL B teams indicated that the separation was mutual. However, this did nothing to calm the righteous anger of the USL as they released a flurry of text messages between them and other teams.

“They were trying to have a relationship with only each other! There was a sordid attempt at some kind of group situation next year! We couldn’t stand the cheating.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL posts a screencap picture of an IPhone Notes message that indicates they are taking some time away from social media to work on themselves.

Fan Photogrammetry Indicates 4% Possibility Caleb Porter Is Smiling Underneath Mask

Columbus, OH - A recent blogpost using fan photogrammetry to measure angles indicates that there is a 4% possibility that Columbus Crew head coach Caleb Porter is actually smiling underneath his mask.

“You have to look at the lines of the face compared to the lines of the background,” stated smile truther Jacob Williams. “Trust me, it’s there. The smile is there. To deny the smile is akin to denying the moon. It’s there.”

Reasonable Crew fans indicate that there is no such possibility that Caleb Porter is smiling as his dour expression can be read through the mask, however Williams pushed ahead with his Smile conspiracy anyway.

“I think that if you look at the shape of the corner of his eyes as they pivot here,” Williams played with a small portion of the video interview as he moved the timeline back and forth, “that you will see Porter’s eyes… well… smize as Tyra Banks would say. It is CONCLUSIVE. Back, and the smile lines are tight. BACK…. and the smile lines are tight. Again…. look. BACK… and the SMILE LINES ARE TIGHT. Why cannot anyone admit this?”

For their part, Crew fans indicate that Porter remains nonplussed in all facial features as he repeatedly and consistently keeps the same expressions.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this a source from inside the Columbus Crew claims that Porter was smiling underneath his mask in Nippert Stadium before the game as he walked across the grassy hole by the team bench.

FC Cincinnati Fan Refuses To Criticize Anything But His Fellow Fans

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati fan Philip Peterson refused to criticize anything regarding FC Cincinnati except for his fellow fans that he castigated repeatedly for being fake snowflakes, on Thursday morning.

Artists rendition

“I don’t think ANYONE should be allowed to criticize the team,” stated Peterson as he castigated the fans for not performing well. “All of you are complete embarrassment.”

FC Cincinnati, who recently played 13 games with only one win, snapped a 5 game winless streak as they defeated the Columbus Crew in front of a stark empty supporters section.

“The effort by the fans over the last two years has been terrible. They have not given it their all and this game is just another example of them not being up to par in this league,” stated Peterson. “I’m looking forward to a new acquisition for 2021 that brings in new effort and hard work for the upcoming season because the fans this year just don’t cut it. Just look at all the losses! It’s all the fans fault.”

Cincinnati is currently sitting second from last place in the Eastern Conference with 4 wins after 18 games as they followed up a 2019 season that saw the Ohio team close out with a horrific -44 goal differential and 22 losses.

“It’s all the fault of the entitled, snowflake fans,” stated Peterson to Twitter. “If the fans backed the team and supported better then they wouldn’t have had a -44 goal differential. Why I bet we could’ve had a -43 goal differential in 2019, maybe even a -42 goal differential. This whole situation is 100% the fans fault and I think everyone knows that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Peterson also criticizes the removal of the banners he didn’t help display and the quality of the banners he didn’t paint.

1-800 Contacts Order Finally Comes In For Referees In USL Playoffs

With the USL Playoffs starting this past weekend, referees with the Professional Referee’s Organization announced today that the 1-800 Contacts order they placed two weeks ago finally came this Tuesday as they assured everyone that nothing was missed.

The contacts are here! The contacts are here! Finally!

“We have everything under control,” stated PRO spokesman Tom Williams. “Everyone was ready to go and there were no issues.”

According to reports from inside the organization, there were some worries that refereeing a playoff game without contacts would lead to some incorrect calls, but a quick survey of the news coming out of the playoffs indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.

“It appears that we all did a great job,” stated one referee who wished to remain anonymous. “Despite not being able to accurately see anyone or anything for 90 minutes, the games finished, there was a winner and everyone was happy.”

With the new contacts order finally in, referees admit they expect and even higher level of accuracy going forward as they stated, “NOW is our time to shine. Certainly we were very lucky that nothing untoward happened during the first round, but NOW we are going to make all the correct calls.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as San Antonio and Sacramento fans never let this go.

MLS 2020 Season May Never End After Schedule Makers Book COVID Postponed Games After MLS Cup

NEW YORK - Schedule makers for Major League Soccer (MLS) indicated that the 2020 season may never end after they were forced to book COVID postponed games after MLS Cup.

Look, it has a mad face. Now do you understand the threat?

“There’s only so many games a team can play in a week or a month,” stated one anonymous schedule maker. “At some point we have to start booking all these Rapids, Minnesota United, Orlando City, Columbus Crew and Real Salt Lake games after MLS Cup.”

With some of the games postponed and others in danger of being postponed, the schedule became so backlogged that there was no way forward.

“What, do you expect Colorado to have to play 10 games in 10 days?” stated one source. “Because at some point there’s a breakover where we just have to move the current 2020 games to January or February. They might still be playing out the 2020 season at the start of the 2021 season. There’s no telling how far this goes.”

Sources indicate that the league is exploring all possibilities other than having COVID positive teams forfeit games including having a B team play closed door games, using Football Manager to simulate results and/or having a televised game of socially distanced cornhole.

“If this doesn’t change we are going to be having doubleheaders,” stated our source. “So I just hope we aren’t having to go back and retroactively add teams to the playoffs after MLS Cup. That would be awkward.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some teams intentionally test positive in order to move games to the end of the year.

D.C. United Ownership Announce They Are Willing To Give New Manager The Same Level Of Backing As Ben Olsen

WASHINGTON - D.C. United General Manger Dave Kasper promised to keep the team on track, in the wake of Ben Olsen being removed as head coach, by announcing that the Ownership of the team is willing to give the same level of financial backing for the new manager as they did during Olsen’s tenure.

“It’s important to ensure that we keep this train rolling,” stated Kasper to The Nutmeg News. “This is a fiscally cozy and aggressively value conscious team that is ready find some great bargains on our way to 8th or maybe even 7th or maybe even 5th place with an outside chance to make the playoffs if we get the right kind of run in.”

Sources with the United front office state that D.C. United Holdings is committed to ensuring that the team continue on the same path as before as they task Kasper to ensure the continued success of the brand.

“There’s no rock Kasper is willing to not overturn to find the right kind of player that will help off the bench,” stated one United staffer. “This is just a matter of maintaining that D.C. United mantra of Traditionally going to spend money on players that don’t entirely pan out and leave after a few years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the fans prepare to update their Olsen Out talk for whomever comes next.

President Trump Says He Will Not Participate In Virtual-Style Watch Party With American Outlaws

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump, today, stated that he would not participate in a virtual-style watch party with the American Outlaws for any upcoming international games that the team plays while he is still President.

“NO VIRTUAL WATCH. PARTY. VOTE. CORRUPTION. CNN FAKE NEWS. #BIGGESTCONSPIRACYINHISTORY,” Tweeted a bucolic President Of The United States. “2ND AMMENDMANT! LIES! MICHAEL BRADLEY FAKE NEWS”

Sources indicate that advisers to the President attempted to get him to commit to a series of virtual watch parties in order to support the USMNT and give him a patriotic edge, however the President passed on the idea in a series of rants on twitter.

“CANT PLAY CORN HOLE VIRTUAL,” read one of the Tweets from the President Of The United States who then fired off a few more tweets.

“CANNOT ICE BRO ZACK PARTY SCREEN IN WAY, LEFT WING ELECTION INTERFERENCE. FAKE NEWS.”

“WOW THERES WOMEN ON THIS CALL ARE USWNT PLAYING? CUZ U LIE TO ME TANNER. LEFT WING EMBARRASMENT.”

“PATRIOTIC AMERICANS DONT WATCH UNITED STATES SOCCER, LUV U GOD”

“CRAZY NANCY = COMMUNIST RUSSIA = 25TH AMENDMENT - CORONAVIRUS DEFEATED”

“USMNT WIN + JEFF CAMRON PATRIOT”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the President accuses US Soccer of colluding with foreign federations to not play games with fans.

Music Fan Irritated At Lack OF EDM Based Soccer Chants

NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Carl Harbottle was reportedly irritated at the lack of EDM based soccer chants as he encouraged fans around the league to start adapting songs from his favorite genre for their teams.

“EDM Lyrics are just 1 to 2 bar samples anyway. They lend themselves to chants,” stated Harbottle to The Nutmeg News. “I don't think it's THAT hard to get everyone to simultaneously sing the part of Deadmau5 2448 where the beat drops. EVERYONE knows that song. That’s just an easy thing to do. It’s not like I’m asking people to sing s950tx16wasr10 from Syro by Aphex Twin. Now THAT would be a challenge for only the greatest supporters group and I really think we can get it going next season if we focus and have 10 to 15 extra-curricular practices with a trained vocal coach.”

According to Harbottle, performing the complicated upbeat tracks would not be difficult if Supporters Groups would organize themselves better.

“Screamers get to the starboard side of the group! Anyone with ADHD get buckets and sticks! I'm working on being able to imitate Aphex Twin's Roland MC-4 Microcomposer synth from the Analord 1 days. Everyone else spin in a circle and try to imitate the hollow sound of a percussive beat, but don’t pass out!”

With Harbottle putting the challenge out to fans across the league he said that he doesn’t really want to be pretentious about the whole scenario.

“What’s important is finding a new well for fans to sing from. So, here's an oldie that everyone knows. When they're introducing the starting players Fire Fans could do, ‘Chicago Fire Starters.... Twisted Chicago Fire Starters,’ and that’s just the start. Sporting Kansas City fans could sing the synth part from Eric Prydz Opus or they could go with something simple like the booming part of Hardwell’s Spaceman. It would be easy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harbottle tries to start a letter writing campaign to have all night games start with glow sticks and the stadium lights turned off.

"Alphonso Davies," States Marc Dos Santos In Response To Media Questions

San Jose, CA - During the post-match press conference following the Vancouver Whitecaps 0-3 loss to the San Jose Earthquakes, Head Coach Marc Dos Santos responded to 16 separate questions by simply saying Alphonso Davies’ name.

Dos Santos, whose team is at the bottom of the Western Conference after their 4th straight defeat, showed up at the podium wearing Davies’ Bayern Munich #19 jersey and accompanying scarf. After 16 straight Alphonso Davies responses, Dos Santos was finally asked if he had any idea what he was doing. At that point, the coach proudly held up a Davies Canadian National Team kit and began singing “O’ Canada” at the top of his lungs.

Axel Schuster, Vancouver Sporting Director and CEO, stood in support of his coach repeating the name of their former player.

“Alphonso Davies. ALPHONSO DAVIES. AL. PHON. SO. DAVIES. He plays for Bayern, you know. BAYERN MUNICH, not Bayer Leverkusen. Alphonso Davies career is the pinnacle and greatest achievement of our franchise in Major League Soccer,” Schuster Explained. “We are strongly considering a rebrand to the name Alphonso Davies FC.”

A member of the Whitecaps media team immediately reminded Schuster that the club won the 2015 Canadian Championship which then caused the entire room to erupt into uncontrollable laughter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dos Santos asks the players to channel the spirit of Alphonso Davies before their next game.

"Against Modern Politics," States Man Fuming At Harris/Pence Split Scarf

Salt Lake City, UT - Democrat Supporters Group member Ralph Hughes stated that he was, “against modern politics,” as he fumed at the Harris/Pence split scarf being sold outside the 2020 Vice Presidential Debates.

“Politics for Fans not CNN,” stated Hughes to his Twitter account @RedStateBrigade. “I remember when the old arles would bust up with different firms before the Vice Presidential debates, not this modern politics shite.”

Hughes then went on a lengthy diatribe about how vice presidential debates used to be back before national television contracts and vice-presidents on 500k a week.

“Back during Dole v Mondale a bunch of us jumped a rival crew from the Dole Bill, as they were called back then,” stated Hughes wistfully over an imported Buckfast. “Oh but those were good times. I remember Teddy Williams of the Blue Dogs holding the severed stump of a Dole Patrol placard and beating down a spry Strom Thurmond look-a-like who was advocating for segregation. He kept yelling and we kept beating. That was before cell phone cameras, you see.”

According to Hughes, even the fashion changed from those early battles as he stated, “why when we went to go battle with the Quayle Firms we lifted a bunch of clobber from Lacoste, The Vested Gentress, and The Lilly. At that point they started calling us the Preppy Lads Crew. It was a fine time to be alive. A beak full of hooter and beating the living shit out of a Dan Quayle fan, ahhhhh memories.”

The Nutmeg News will have more of this as Hughes continues mumbling to himself about the good old days as he walks by 10 teenagers getting beaten by the police for trying to do a tik tok regarding Black Lives Matter outside the debate.

Fans THRILLED As Teased Player Signing Turns Out To Be 19 Year Old Midfielder From USL Team

Soccer fans across the nation were reportedly thrilled when a teased player player signing for their team turned out to be a 19 year old midfielder who is not expected to contribute immediately from their USL affiliate.

“Wow, the news I’ve been waiting for so long to hear,” stated one fan online. “Here i was hoping it would be an international prospect or a player that could help in defense or a player that could score goals, but no… we finally got an answer for the time in the US Open Cup when we need an additional body at the 85th minute.”

Sources with the team indicate that they do not think they overhyped the player signing as they stated, “this shows what our fans have long hoped. That yes, we do have a pipeline from our academy to the first team. We expect him to contribute as a substitute after he finally gets a handle on the rigors of the first team. The fans are going to really be excited in 2022 or 2023.”

For their part, the supporters group issued their statement welcoming him to the team even as many members prepared for his inevitable departure in a few years.

“It’s great to have this new signing, but it doesn’t really fix any of our problems,” stated one anonymous blogger. “It’s going to be amazing, though, when I see him playing for Rochester or Richmond in a few years in the US Open Cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans announce their confusion as the player is immediately loaned back to the USL side for, “more opportunities to play”

Oakland Roots Forced To Take Detroit Lions With Them After NISA Championship Loss

Detroit, MI - After losing 2-1 to Detroit City FC, the Oakland Roots were forced to take the Detroit Lions home with them as a condition of the terms of a “loser gets the lions” bet between the two teams.

Stating, “Dear God, what have we done,” a crestfallen Jordan Ferrell reportedly loaded up the infrastructure of the Lions into the team bus they chartered to take them back to the airport. “I know we lost the Raiders, but we’d just prefer to not have a team.”

Lions executive Dean Logan stated, “We are just excited to be wanted. It feels great having a fresh start.”

According to long time Oakland native Jerome Montgomery, he isn’t particularly thrilled for the situation.

“We’ve had enough misery over the years. This just feels cruel. We did not ask for the lions. We don’t need the Lions forced upon us, can’t you just let us suffer with this loss in peace?”

Detroit fans, however, were adamant that the Oakland Roots abide by the terms of their bet as they stated, “No, NO NO. A deals a deal. The loser takes the Lions and the winner gets to just bask in an entire season without watching Matt Stafford have a turnover during a crucial drive. We are the NISA champions and they are now Lions fans, that’s how it works.”

For his part, Montgomery stated, “I just hope that the Lions are prepared to move after 10 to 20 years. That’s just how football works around here. We should’ve just left them there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Oakland Roots ask whether they can sponsor the gentrification of a part of the city instead.

Area Man Concerned That Societal Changes Are Forcing Him To Not Call Opponents Homophobic Slurs During Games

Lincoln, NE - Rec league soccer player Davis Williams stated that he was concerned that societal changes are forcing him to not call opponents homophobic slurs during games as he stated, “Look, I’m for free speech,” in a Facebook comment.

According to a number of comments repeatedly made to Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit, Williams put forth his opinion that he isn’t a bigot, but that he thinks that he should be able to call a player literally every horrible slur possible during a game.

“I don’t hate,” stated Williams, "but I do think that belittling someone about their sexuality or race during a game is fair play. After all, what is sports but a vehicle for pure unadulterated hatred of someone’s sexuality or race to the point where they are unable to play a pass so that my team can win.”

Friends state that Williams is frequently verbally abusive during games as one time he abused a player on the field that he thought was gay until that player started weeping and walked off the field.

“But you know, after he spent 70 minutes or so calling him a bunch of horrible slurs he went over and said no hard feelings. So I’m sure everything is totally fine,” stated friend Will Sanders.

For his part, Williams said, “I have a gay friend,” as he defended his frequent use of these slurs. “And he’s totally fine with all of this stuff, I’m sure.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it turns out that Williams also likes to use slurs online and then tell people, “lighten up, it’s just a joke.”

Who IS This Coach Landon Donovan? And How Long HAS He Been Involved With Soccer?!

As part of our investigative journalism series, we dispatched writer Rory Kilmartin to find out WHO this Landon Donovan is that is raising such a fuss in San Diego and why he won’t just turn a blind eye to racism and homophobia.

In a world of pretenders and amateur experts…… Where did this so-called coach Landon Donovan come from and how long HAS he been involved with soccer?

One of these men is Landon Donovan. No one could answer which of the two he actually is, though.

Online, unsourced reports indicate that this is Mr. Donovan’s first coaching assignment. Prior to this, there is no mention of his coaching credentials. Exactly what does this say about the United States when an unknown, unsung and totally anonymous player gets such a high profile position of a head coach of a team in the UNITED Soccer League.

Such positions are typically given to people who played before such as former college player Rick Schantz who had three solid years of playing under his belt and who then waited 15 years, as is required, before appointing himself to the position of head coach for FC Tucson after founding the team.

How will this country ever become a true soccer nation if the reigns of one of the most prestigious coaching positions in the general San Diego area are given to a virtual nobody with no real world soccer experience.

It boggles the mind and it dulls the senses. After showing his true hand with regards to rejecting racism and homophobia even at the expense of himself and his own ego, is this Landon Donovan even AMERICAN? These and other questions will be answered in our follow up piece.

“Landon Donovna: The Things We Learned On Wikipedia”

Past Rick Schantz Announces Condemnation Of Present Rick Schantz As Future Rick Schantz Attempts To Stop Them Both

Phoenix, AZ - Three different iterations of current Phoenix Rising head coach Rick Schantz appeared at the Rising front offices as their corporeal forms were torn from the annals of time to give warning and condemnation on the present head coach’s handling of one of his players using a homophobic slur.

Past Rick Schantz was reportedly apoplectic as he stated, “For me as a coach, in my mind, with my players, an immediate reaction would have been more warranted,” Schantz said. “If that ever happened to us, I would expect our players to support and defend each other.”

Past Schantz offered support for the San Diego Loyal and Landon Donovan for their courageous step as he blasted himself in the future for being a coward in exactly the moment he was talking about.

https://cronkitenews.azpbs.org/2020/09/30/rising-loyal-racial-slur/

Future Schantz offered a warning to both Present Schantz and Past Schantz as he stated, “You dumb idiots. You don’t realize what you’ve done. There’s no coming back from this. My god, I must end all of this.”

Scientists state that Future Schantz is actually proof that Past Schantz does nothing and just continues upon his way until he tries to excuse homophobia on the soccer field.

Sources indicate that Future Schantz and Past Schantz engaged in an attempted fight but as soon as Future Schantz touched Past Schantz they both exploded into nothingness as they couldn’t occupy the same space and time.

Left alone at the Phoenix front office was Present Schantz who is, according to all sources, rightfully screwed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as online anonymous titter accounts try to excuse the behavior of of Rick Schantz,

Colorado Rapids To Field Plague Carrying Prairie Dogs For Upcoming Games

Denver, CO - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Colorado Rapids indicated that after suffering a number of COVID related positive tests among their team and their coaching staff that they would be forced to field a starting 11 that consisted of plague carrying prairie dogs for their upcoming games.

“The league will not let us forfeit so instead we are going to put out a lineup that will allow us to play the next few games while our staff and players are in quarantine,” stated one anonymous front office source. “It’s only the fleas that have the plague so it’ll be fine.”

Sources indicate that the team considered postponing the game only to have the league demand that the Rapids play.

“The show must go on, even if the back four are going to be looking to burrow under the field instead of pass the ball across it,” stated Don Garber.

For their part, the Rapids training staff is attempting to zoom coach the new signings into a narrow 4-2-3-1 as they attempted to give instruction on what to do with the ball.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Prairie Dogs complain about the artificial grass in Portland and their inability to build a burrow below the field.

Residents Of Foreign Lands Paralyzed With Fear As White Americans Threaten To Emigrate After Debate

WORLD - Residents of foreign lands around the world are reportedly paralyzed with fear as white Americans threatened to emigrate out of the country after the Presidential debate on Tuesday evening.

THE AMERICANS ARE COMING! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING!

“They made America so unbearable already, which country will be next?” stated one Danish man who asked to remain anonymous. “Most of the things that make our country attractive are only there because people like this didn’t get a say in it happening.”

According to one German citizen, they are worried about which Americans may soon show up as they stated, “It’s really like, which White American will we get? The one that is a Trump fan, or the one that isn’t a Trump fan but left all the poor people of color to fend for themselves? We already have a white supremacy problem so maybe letting more white supremacists and their enablers into this country isn’t a good idea..”

As part of our global coverage, our reporters reached out to a source in Nigeria who had the following to say, “We know for an absolute fact they are not coming here. They’re not wanting to leave THAT bad. I don’t think we will have to worry about Becky and Steve Johnson gentrifying Lagos.”

Anonymous people from Santiago, Chile responding to our interview request by saying, “Oh shit, here we go again,” while attempting to figure out exactly which of these people are CIA operatives determined to help overthrow their government.

Meanwhile citizens of the Netherlands were reportedly aghast at the idea of disease ridden Americans heading to their shores as they stated, “COVID is definitely not a hoax! They will bring their diseases with them like COVID, Measles, Polio and Capitalism! There are many problems that we need to address in this country without adding in a bunch of people who think that the political problems of their own country aren’t their fault. These people think that they can fix this with bone broth, essential oils and running away.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people researching their ability to leave spend all day looking for some genealogical connection before realizing that they don’t have the degree, experience or language ability that would allow them to leave.

Desolate Facebook Group Designated As Historic Landmark For Illustrating The Rise and Fall Of Fan Interest

Houston, TX - A Facebook group for a subgroup of Houston Dynamo fans was officially designated as a Historic Landmark as the group illustrates the rise and fall of fan interest in the team over the past 15 years.

Wikipedia is where you go for depressing encapsulations of the Dynamo over the last 8 years.

“Historians have long looked at Orange Fever as a bellwether of the rise and then decline of the Houston fan,” stated Soccer historian Ralph Eustice. “You can see the build to the launch of the Dynamo to the moments of passion and love following the championships and then the slow leak of frustrated fans who just disappear and stop posting anything to the declining like counts and interactions.”

According to formerly active group members, Orange Fever used to be a place where fans would show videos from games at Robertson Stadium and songs/chants from other locations.

“It was like our living room,” stated Jason Henderson. “And now it’s just waiting for a tumbleweed to go through.”

Historians indicate that you can see the total decline of engagement as the team struggled from just after the moment they opened BBVA Stadium til now.

“Here is the perfect example of a post that previously would’ve generated some level of interest,” stated Dr. Laura Hughes of the University of Houston. “And now it just sits there with one like and no comments and no one caring enough to be bothered to do anything. Even though many people left the group, the overall number of people still connected to it is high, it’s just that no one seems to care anymore.”

Fans state that a number of things have caused the decline but they lay most of the problems at the feet of an ownership group that simply doesn’t care.

“If they don’t care, then why should I?” stated one anonymous fan. “There’s only so much that anyone can take. One or two years of mediocrity is one thing, but actively finding ways to make sure that fans want to stay home and watch Chivas or Manchester United instead has just robbed the club of any kind of momentum.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the group receives a historical plaque designated their contribution to the history of the Dynamo.

Supporter Embarrassing Everyone On The Hashtag Again

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United fans logged on to find that supporter @DD2493 was embarrassing everyone on the hashtag again.

“I was looking for transfer news and there @DD2493 was, talking about Pro Rel and how the team hasn’t gotten any better since Opara was injured. He tags players too. Just why? Why? Seriously, why,” stated @LoonpahLoonpah, the social media manager of the Minnesota United Polka supporters group.

"He keeps posting individual tweets instead of a thread so it just fills up the timeline with his random rants. I'm afraid that other people looking at the hashtag will think we are all like this.” stated @LoonsOverMiami, an adjunct supporters group in Florida.

Meanwhile, supporters across the St. Paul area were completely aghast at @DD2493’s takes on comfort food as he routinely posts his casual hatred of cheese curds alongside his un-sourced information from the Minnesota United front office that he passes off as though he has connections.

“Nobody cares about your insider Minnesota news right now and what the FO is going to do this weekend, there’s a game on,” stated Minnesota United fan @BlooninOnion. “The team checks this thing, we really gotta talk to him about this.”

For his part, @DD249 stated, “People have their opinions and they are wrong,” before posting a mutli-tweet rant to the official hashtag about Kei Kamara being locker room poison and tagging every sports reporter in the area that covers the team as well as the player himself..

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @LoonsOverMiami forgets to mute @DD2493 for the 432nd time.

Earthquakes Fan Breathes Sigh Of Relief As End Of Season Schedule Is Finally Announced

Santa Cruz, CA - San Jose Earthquakes fan Donald Purdue breathed a deep sigh of relief as the end of the Major League Soccer season was announced.

Almost there!

“Well, at least on November 9th I won’t have to watch another game for a few months,” stated Purdue as he looked at the rest of the schedule with a long stare.

Friends say that Purdue’s early optimism was blunted by recent results as he reportedly gave up on everything multiple times over the past month.

“He’s not found it easy,” stated friend Paul Hederson. “But at least he doesn’t have to go to the games, so that’s a small consolation.”

For his part, Purdue is keeping an optimistic viewpoint as he tried to find the best possible scenario for the last part of the season.

“Granted a -16 goal differential isn’t ideal with 11 games to go but I believe this squad has the abilities to shatter any goal differential record that exists in the league,” stated Purdue to our reporter. “I can’t wait to go into the offseason with not much hope that anything will ever change until our ownership sells the team. At least with COVID I can quarantine and avoid the virus. With the Earthquakes I keep voluntarily turning on the television to watch them take a giant shit. I need a mask for this team that makes all these performances somehow better.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Purdue decides he needs a sports sabbatical.