United States Fans Ask For New, NEW Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part two of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Costa Rica and the draw to Honduras, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Bruce Arena, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Arena's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Arena out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

US Soccer To Shut Down After All Sons And Daughters Of Immigrants To Be Deported

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would be shutting down after an order came in from the White House that all sons and daughters of immigrants, regardless of status, would be deported.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

"This federation, this country and this sport literally exists because of immigrants," stated President of the United States Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "My parents immigrated to Connecticut from India when I was five years old.  IT WOULD BE MASSIVELY HYPOCRITICAL FOR OUR ASSOCIATION TO STAY SILENT ON THESE MATTERS."

Sources with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) stated that they couldn't find a single person involved with US Soccer who wasn't, in some way, the product of immigration both by legal and illegal means as is defined by the country.

"We decided to close the whole thing down. Soccer is socialism, and it is globalism at every level," stated the director of the INS, Jeremy Thatcher. "We find that nearly every single player, every single coach, every single director came from somewhere else either through themselves directly, their parents, their grandparents or their great grandparents. Many of them weren't aware that their parents and grandparents immigrated to the United States illegally. They just accept that since they were born here that this means they are fine. WELL THEY AREN'T AND THEY ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AT RIGHT BACK. So instead of just maliciously targeting Latinos and Mexicans like we usually do, we are just going to go after everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geoff Cameron personally volunteers to deport anyone ahead of him in the depth chart.

Cleveland Man Takes Blame For United States Loss

Cleveland, OH - Every four years soccer fan David Thorne stated, "We Didn't Play Hard Enough," as he accepted the blame for the lack of energy during the United States loss against Costa Rica in World Cup Qualifying.

"We just couldn't compete. It was tough, it was hard, but we just couldn't compete."

"We were just lackluster all night long," stated Thorne as he admitted the problem with the energy and passion in the team. "When we went up the field, there wasn't any cohesion. I kept screaming at Jozy to pass the ball or take a shot, but he didn't listen to my advice. We just couldn't get it together."

Friends claim that Thorne was merely standing at Merry Arts drinking a beer and shouting at the television in a nearly incoherent manner before crossing his arms and glaring at the television through a rapidly emptying beer for the last 60 minutes.

However, Thorne continued to insist that he was responsible for the United States loss in a wide ranging interview with our reporters. "We just didn't take the advice that Arena gave us, and we didn't feed off the positivity of the crowd. Tim and Geoff and Darlington and Bobby, we just weren't playing well together. I mean, you can't play well if you are nervous and we were nervous. I just wish we would get our shit together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorne continues to admit his culpability in the first goal as he states, "we were too wide and I was yelling at Tim about that ALL NIGHT LONG"

US Fan Excited To Sing Two Songs And One Chant For 90 Minutes

Harrison, NJ - US fan Deryk Biloxi admitted that he was very excited to sing the two songs and one chant that all US fans know for 90 minutes tonight as he stated, "It's really great to be yelling about how awesome our country is to everyone again like nothing bad has happened."

WHOAOHAOHAAOHWAOAH WE LOVE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Biloxi stated that he hoped that the American Outlaws would open up with USA - USA, a chant that he worked on over the past year to perfect the correct intonation and tone. "If we can start with When the Yanks... or maybe even USA - USA that will put me in my comfort zone before we go into We Love Ya. Then when we go back into USA - USA and then back into When the Yanks before heading back into We Love Ya. It's going to be great."

Biloxi then indicated he hoped the US fans would close with We Love Ya before heading into dead air followed by When The Yanks and USA - USA, followed by USA - USA again.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the reconfigured Red Bulls song of Twist And Shout makes Biloxi upset that the MLS club game is intruding on the songs he knows, as a NYCFC fan.

Area Soccer Fan Very Concerned About the Profitability Of FOX

Lincoln, NE - Soccer fan David Hays admitted that he is very concerned about the profitability of FOX stating, "if they need to interrupt the run of play in a soccer game to put in commercials then please do! I'll miss some game time action if that means that FOX can continue to make money."

Source: http://www.off-side.co.uk/f-fox-ruining-soccer-america

"I believe in trickle down economics," stated Hays from his mobile home outside Lincoln. "I know that if FOX makes money that it means MLS will become relevant and the United States will win the World Cup. That money will keep flowing downhill until I'm making some money for publishing my blog, www.offsidesfordays.com. So, I'm ready to miss a few goals or some game action in order to be bombarded by advertisements if that means that eventually I'll be getting paid to write and the United States will be the best team in the world."

Hays indicated that his enthusiastic embrace of FOX and the corporate environment equals his love of soccer as he stated, "My team, my home team, really is FOX and NBC Sports and every network that puts soccer on television. I don't have a rooting interest in a team in Major League Soccer. I root for money and I hope that FOX makes a bunch of it. Because that means that the United States will be world beaters and MLS will get rid of single entity and all it's going to take is a few 6 second adds to make all my dreams come true. Hell, I hope for advertisements that last all game long. Like, FOX could just put their name on the kits of the teams, and on the ad-boards, and on the television screen and maybe even sell advertising space to other entities! Think of all the money they could make! GO FOX!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays diagrams advanced metrics for advertising campaigns including the expected goals of soccer commercials.

Stan Kroenke Admits He Wont Rest Until Arsenal Football Club Are Brought To The Same Level As The Colorado Rapids

St Louis, MO - In a wide ranging interview on the state of the business of soccer and a hair treatment for your upper lip, mustachioed reclusive billionaire Stan Kroenke stated that he, "Won't rest until Arsenal Football Club are brought to the same level as the Colorado Rapids."

In other words, dead fucking last.

"You can see how my investment and personal ownership style lent itself to the high standard we expect from the Rapids," stated Kroenke. "I just hope that eventually we can purchase an aging goal keeper for Arsenal and pay him entirely too much money while ignoring nearly every other position on the field. Oh... ok.... I'm getting a note from my team here that says we already did that, so well done everyone."

Kroenke has, reportedly, tasked out future initiatives for Arsenal with a possible stadium move to the countryside adjacent to London as Kroenke stated, "It's not important to have an accessible stadium. It's only important to have a cheap stadium that we can use to host 3 Doors Down concerts during the summer and a fireworks display for the Fourth Of July. I know what English soccer fans need and what they truly need is a patriotic fireworks display set to Lee Greenwood that will help them forget the abject failure that is their local soccer team. If it works in the abandoned lots outside of Denver, it will work in the countryside outside London. We also need more Smash Mouth concerts and fewer Champions League games. It's all part of the new revenue stream."

According to insider sources, Kroenke is also considering changing the name of the team to Arsenal Rapids SC, in order to offer better cross-promotional opportunities between the two teams he collectively ignores.

"It's going to be great. Both teams will be able to switch their jerseys, and when Arsenal finally changes to the burgundy of the Rapids, you won't be able to tell who is playing. We might even just use the same kits for both teams to save money," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kroenke's reign of terror continues.

Prostitution And 9 Other Methods To Afford US Soccer Tickets

Millennials are well known in academic circles as the generation who shirked all their parents responsibilities that were clearly established as dutifully working for General Motors for 40 years until they get a pension, a free car and move to St. Augustine to drink themselves to death in an air conditioned trailer.

It has come to our attention that the lazy sods also want to go to soccer games and those ticket prices are CRAY CRAY LIT ON FLEEK!

So, here are 10 ways to fund the insane cost of US Soccer tickets, you lazy fuckers.

You may think you are entitled to a job, health insurance, avocado toast and a non-poisonous physical environment, but you are only entitled to working in the non-union mines looking for uranium. We are talking about North Korea, here, and there isn't an app for that, Aiden.

#1  Sell Methamphetamine

Yeah, you know it's horrible, immoral, and wrecks the lives of the people that get hooked on it, but ticket prices are $300 and World Cup qualifying only happens once every three years. Plus, if you don't go to jail, end up an addict or get shot pursuing this job you could end up with a job as a politician.

#2 Rob A Bank

They HAVE money. 

You NEED money.

What's so difficult to figure out? 

Plus you can now, finally, afford that sweet joke Wondowolowlowski authentic kit for $200 you've always wanted in that colorway that is only available for the month of September.

#3 Ignore Your Debts

You don't need to pay that student loan payment or credit card on time. After all, you are going to be paying for those 2002 poly-sci and welding classes from DeVry for quite literally the rest of your life. You already know friends that died from preventable diseases that carried their student loan to the grave so why not celebrate eternal debt by avoiding the conversation at all and spin up another credit card to carry you forward on your quest to sing USA USA USA at a mostly full stadium in New Jersey.

#4 Prostitution

The only reason why this suggestion is so low is because the demographic of a soccer fan in the United States and Canada is a young white male. We hate to break it to you, but you aren't in demand. Still, though, we should emphasize that while there is a social stigma against prostitution that you shouldn't care what people think because you are helping people out with their own issues and you'll also be making it to USA v Costa Rica. Point your heels to the heavens and think about Dom Dwyer.

We GUARANTEE there is a way you can make a living off the misery of other people, here!

#5 Insider Trading

Get access to a white color tech job before your company eliminates your (in order) healthcare, 401k, bonus, raise, and (finally) position in a cost cutting measure to improve shareholder value. Use your time to find insider knowledge in the industry that will allow you to buck the system and find someone that will help you capitalize on this for money. Chances are that you will go to jail, but everyone else that made money on your illegal deeds will be fine especially the traders on the floor. You'll probably be able to attend a game in a luxury box before the feds catch up with you.

#6 Join The Military

There's nothing Americans like more than perpetual war. Next to systemic racism, it's what we are truly exceptional at keeping going. Find a place with a recruiter that is giving a bonus. Get that money, kid. If you make it back alive we won't have a job, a functional VA, or government assistance for you, but you'll be able to spend that money you banked on some nice tickets if inflation hasn't made your money irrelevant or you aren't struggling with trying to get disability payments. Remember, deployment is TAX FREE! Afghanistan or BUST!

#7 Pull Yourselves Up By Your Bootstraps

Seriously, just stop being lazy, millennials. Back in my day we had a house purchased, a wife/husband found, and a job we could settle into by 28. Now you guys always act like houses are un-affordable, pensions don't exist, unions are demonized, healthcare is un-affordable, college is un-affordable, personal debt is spiraling out of control and politicians are actively working against both the future of the country, the environment and the global relationships that will facilitate growth in the future. Just get a job, make millions of dollars and stop complaining.

#8 Sponge Off Your Parents

They love you, which basically means free housing forever. That's why they bought that house back in 1974 for the cost of a heavily used Daewoo Nubira. Their mission is to house you throughout life. Free rent, free food, free laundry, so just figure it out. It's likely going to save your life.

#9 Vote Republican For Jobs And Money AND STOCKS And To Keep People From Stealing Yer Job

The reason you are poor is because someone else took your job with the high paying wages. Likely they don't look like you (wink wink) so blame them, absolve yourself of all your sins, get a confederate flag, vote republican and wait for the millions to roll in when Daddy Trump builds the wall. 

#10 Buy A Lotto Ticket And Pray

You need Jesus and he knows that you need money. The prosperity gospel works for preachers, so why shouldn't it work for you. Just make certain that you pray to the right Jesus and get those lotto tickets in bulk (STATISTICS!). When that baby hits you are going to fly all your friends to the World Cup FINAL AND buy a little piece of land out in the country where the air is peaceful and you can store your Bugatti Veyron.

Fans Ecstatic As Boston Breakers Lead NWSL In Yellow Cards

Boston, MA - Boston Breakers fans in the great Boston area admitted they were ecstatic as the Breakers continued their utter dominance of the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) in Yellow Cards earned, over the weekend.

FIRST IN THE LEAGUE!

The Breakers picked up another two yellow cards in their 1-0 loss that eliminated them from playoff contention with 4 games remaining in the season.

"I for one am excited by this statistical domination in one specific area of the game," stated Breakers fan Julie Reynolds. "It's really something for which I've been hoping as we continue to finish last in the league nearly EVERY.... SINGLE... FUCKING.... YEAR.

Hannah Timmons, a Breakers fan from Providence, stated, "I'm just happy that if we are going to lose more than 10 games in a season that we are going to do so by kicking the shit out of everything that moves. This joyful feeling must be what Western New York Flash fans felt for 10 seconds before their team was dismantled and sold to a group that cares more about soccer than Sahlen's hot dogs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Breakers look to solidify their yellow card ranking against the Orlando Pride on the 2nd of September.

MLS To Diversify Advertising Portfolio With Tinder, Friendster, Grindr, And Voat

NEW YORK - After revealing that half of the leagues advertising budget goes towards Facebook advertising purchases, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that it would diversify the advertising portfolio that it has and start buying advertisement on Tinder, Friendster, Grindr and VOAT.

To be honest, VOAT is actually less relevant than Major League Soccer, and that is saying something.

"We feel like engagement can be had through these other online communities," stated Jared Hillsworth, director of advertisement, public relations and brownie making. "We are building a portfolio of hip online forums where cool millennials like to hang out talking about avocado toast while also discussing their conversion to atheistic socialism, student loans, and how hard it is to buy a house. We know that reaching out to the throbbing, engorged and passionate communities on Grindr and Tinder will really bring our viewership numbers up."

According to users of the social media apps and websites, they are not excited for the branding and marketing aspect of soccer to be included on their websites as Paul Stewart, a Grindr user, stated, "The last thing I need is another bunch of sweaty, athletic guys that aren't really interested in me with a profile on this site."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces a massive partnership with Myspace and Napster.

Soccer Podcast Introduction Now Longer Than Content

Reno, NV - Soccer podcast TOUCHLINE TO TOUCHLINE reportedly reached a new high in terms of listener time wasted as their introduction to their North American soccer podcast is now longer than the actual content in their podcast.

"We've been trying for an enthusiastic remixed introduction that tells our listener what they are about to get served into their earholes," stated podcast host and dub-step DJ Arnold Rasmussen.

"Our introduction has been getting progressively more LIT and we know that all the people who follow our soccer podcast listen because they want a 20 minute introduction with a DJ remix of 10 second audio current events set to techno, dubstep, trance, hip-hop and downbeat running into a mashup of movie and soccer quotes and an energy turn down making the listener think the podcast going to start before the music starts cranking back up again."

Rasmussen and partner Skyler Havens (DJ Big Billz) stated that they've also managed to extend the chit-chat before they start talking about soccer to an additional 15 minutes as they machine-gun fire endless inside jokes and references to prior episodes from 2015 which no one currently listening to the podcast actually heard in real time.

"We are hoping to bring more of a sports radio foundation to our podcast by inserting drops, bumps and music that reflects the fact that our listeners are morons," stated Havens. "We hope that this will ease the transition from listening to sports radio to podcasts. If that doesn't our WET T-SHIRT WEDNESDAY remix introduction with Tawny Kitaen is going to be awesome."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we start our ROCKTOBER PROMOTION FOR BUD LIGHT WOO TASTE THE FLAVORS THIS SPOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOSTENS!

NYCFC Fan Can't Find Subway Stop In East Hartford

NEW YORK - Despite his best efforts, New York City FC fan Derryk Hughes couldn't find a subway stop in East Hartford, Connecticut as NYCFC announced a rescheduled home game that would take place at this location.

Look! They DO have a train service of some kind.

"It's almost like it isn't in New York City, anymore," stated a confused Hughes who swore up and down that he would only support a soccer team in New York.

According to sources, Hughes spent the last 30 minutes attempting to find information on whether the PATH train that services New York and New Jersey also connects out to Connecticut before giving up stating, "I didn't follow a club, in this city, run by billionaires so I could learn how to get outside the city to go to a home game. This is some bullshit!"

The game between NYCFC and Houston Dynamo was re-scheduled as the primary tenants of Yankee Stadium (The New York Yankees), had a makeup game scheduled on the same date. As NYCFC are merely just renting out the facility they were forced to move, temporarily, to Pratt & Whitney Stadium in Connecticut.

"I wouldn't go out to New Jersey for soccer and I'm sure as hell not going out to Connecticut," stated an adamant Hughes as he contemplated purchasing tickets for the game as NYCFC invalidated his season tickets for the match requiring NYCFC fans to request a refund for the game and then re-purchase any seats they have in an utterly bizarre bunch of bullshit that surprised even the cynical assholes that run this rag.

"I can't believe that my season tickets won't get me into this game by default! Screw this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this dumpster fire of an idea as it happens. 

Skaters Ruin Stoke Fan's Watch Party

Seattle, WA - Soccer fan Bill Warden's attempt to set up a Stoke City FC watch party, this past weekend, was ruined as local skaters misinterpreted his online posting for a Stoke event and showed up to partake in the sweet street session that Warden was supposedly setting up.

Anybody else want to watch Stoke, in the area? Anyone? 

"I saw Stoke trending on Twitter in Seattle two weekends ago and got all excited about it," stated Warden to The Nutmeg News. "I put out a Craigslist post saying 'hey, come down to The Atlantic Crossing to catch some Stoke this Saturday,' but all that happened was a couple of hungover crusty skaters showed up and drank a couple beers at 7am."

Our reporters spoke to skater Zach "Meat" Boggs about the mixup, "He told me, 'Lets get a beer and watch some Stoke.'  I assumed he meant we were going to have a session over at Roosevelt High School on the sly, but instead we ended up at some random English bar with a bunch of weird people in foreign scarves watching a soccer game. He doesn't even know how to do a 50/50 on a handrail. What a fucking poser."

Warden stated that this wasn't the first time for such mistakes as he stated, "The worst was a few years back when I saw an add for an event stating that 'Stoke will be at full intensity' and blew $75 by going to the Tony Hawk Boom Boom Huck Jam competition in Tacoma."

Regardless of the screwup, Boggs, Warden, and the rest of the 206 Skate Brigade reportedly continued to drink beer until the situation made sense and Warden broke his finger attempting to learn how to skate at the age of 39.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Warden continues to advertise his Stoke sessions.

Attempt To Get Friend Into Atlanta United Fails As Man Starts On Hour 4 Of Explaining Player Acquisition Methods

Atlanta, GA - An attempt to get friend and co-worker Steph Hillman into Atlanta United failed, on Tuesday, as Atlanta fan Darren Williams entered hour four of explaining player acquisition methodologies, transfer windows, financial acronyms and their place in the league.

"Darren, If this was a UI we were developing I would fire the UI and UX architect. WHY IS THIS SO DAMN COMPLICATED?!!"

"Steph has totally checked out, at this point," stated Mr Williams to The Nutmeg News. "She has that glazed look in her eyes and I think she's forgotten about what we were speaking. I'm going to need some coffee and a whiteboard."

Reportedly, an excited Hillman eagerly accepted the free ticket offer of Mr. Williams, and casually made chit-chat about her excitement about the upcoming game before a stray question about signing players encouraged Williams to begin his at-length explanation of player acquisition methodologies, allocation order, transfer windows, contract examples, contract theories for unknown player financials, team valuations, league structure, and the role of single entity in all of this.

"I just wanted to go to a soccer game, and now.... I just want this to end," stated a frustrated Hillman to The Nutmeg News. "Who thought that making this all this complicated was a good idea? Why doesn't someone just make it a hard cap with actual.... you know..... money? Why can't these teams fly on private jets if their ownership has the money to do so? Who on earth thought the allocation order is something that needs to be continued when it seems to just be bought and sold anyway? What the hell does the draft have to do with any of this?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hillman suddenly finds herself very busy and not entirely certain if she will be able to make the game, now.

Local Man Won't Watch Eclipse Until Sun Institutes Promotion/Relegation

Denver, CO - Jeff Anderson, a local blogger and advocate for an open soccer pyramid, claimed that he wouldn't watch today's solar eclipse until the Sun institutes Promotion and Relegation as he claimed that the celestial bodies were in cahoots with SUM to prevent an open eclipse.

"This eclipse will never gain in popularity until it implements promotion/relegation with the moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus and Jupiter," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. "We all know that SUM in partnership with ... THE GARBER... in partnership with .... THE POPE is the reason why the SUN/SUM cabal dictates the open performance level of the heavens above."

Anderson reportedly used to follow solar eclipses before he was tuned into the SUM/SUN conspiracy by local wacko Tim "Crazy Eyes" Pearson. 

"Tim really tuned me into the giant North American conspiracy to prevent promotion/relegation in the sky and in soccer. We all know, for a fact, that the television ratings for this eclipse are going to be awful. People know the truth and they know that the best solar eclipses happen in Europe where they have promotion/relegation and an open celestial pyramid. Until that happens, we are just dealing with a sub-par eclipse. This is America. American's want an American eclipse. We know when we don't have a world class eclipse and I know that everyone will join me in sending tweets to the Sun in order to force an open pyramid and implementing promotion/relegation in the sky.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson watches the eclipse anyway so that he can tweet astronomers telling them how wrong it is and that the eclipse is awful.

Poor Performances By D.C. United Not Really That Bad When Compared To The Last Week

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Nathan Thomas admitted that the poor performances by D.C. United, over the past 16 games, really aren't that bad when you compare them to the last week for the United States.

That's a lot of losses, and just four wins.

"We haven't won since June," stated Thomas to The Nutmeg News. "And we've had 2 wins in the last 16 games; but honestly, my team is one of the few things that gives me peace right now. When compared to Nazis, white supremacists, and racists with guns and torches in the streets killing and injuring people standing against them and a feckless, impotent President of this country who openly supports these same Nazis and White Supremacists, I'm really not as concerned with the latest run of form by United."

Reportedly, friends state that as the events over the past week played out that Thomas' mood about D.C. United seemed to improve with him stating that he is actually excited to watch the game against the Rapids, this weekend.

"There is no escape from the maelstrom of hate that is swirling around right now, but these games give me moments of release. I just need a place to yell and scream and voice my frustrations into the world even if I am just yelling at a TV. Games have always given me that chance. I can't wait."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas maintains an even keel about his soccer team, despite the results from this weekend.

Writers Rush Forbes MLS Most Valuable List To Cherry Pick Data That Serves Their Needs

With the announcement that Forbes released their listing of franchise value and finances for Major League Soccer, writers the continent over rushed to the website to find the data points they need to cherry pick in order to make a salient argument in the article they are writing about league finances.

It's the MOST wonderful time.... of the year.... Second to the MLS Players Union Salary number release.

"I'm writing a column about how the league is healthy," stated Des Moines Times Picayune writer Larry Elder. "So I need these numbers to show my theory."

"I'm writing a column about how the league is unhealthy and a sham," stated Boston Times Picayune writer Paige Henderson. "So I need these numbers to back up my hypotheses."

Sports journalists and editors are reportedly considering every angle in an effort to get paid while hoping to escape the grim reaper of layoffs that have hit every section of sports journalism over the past 10 years.

"I just need the Forbes numbers to illuminate my article on franchise value fluctuation and whether teams make any money in Major League Soccer," stated Denver Picayune Times reporter Paul Leonard. "Dear god in heaven, I can't get fired. I have two kids and I'm not going back to working at Westword."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more articles are launched off the Forbes data.

Player's Favorite Fans Are From Current Team

Professional soccer player David Thomas admitted that his favorite fans are from the current team he is with as he stated for the 10th consecutive time, "My current team has the best fans, they are really knowledgeable about the game and very passionate."

Thomas is also, according to the team site, very fond of the stadium and city in which he currently plays as he states that he has, "really been embraced by the community and his teammates."

According to a team interview, Thomas is, "very excited for the future and believes that we can win some trophies, here." 

Thomas also indicates that his favorite food location is also a restaurant in the city in which he resides as he likes to show how he eats and lives in the same location that you do stating, "I really like the food scene here, there are some great options."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas admits that he respects all the other fans out there but this is obviously the best location to play, at this point, in his career right now.

Optimistic New York Red Bull Fan Begins Process Of Coping With Loss

NEW YORK - Optimistic New York Red Bull fan James Falcone, of Queens, admitted that he is enthusiastically and positively beginning the process of coping with his teams loss in the US Open Cup semi-final tonight against FC Cincinnati.

(Photo: Sam Greene/Enquirer)

"I feel like we have a great chance of making it to the end of the game in a great position only to watch it all slip away as I crumble into a fetal position on the ground and start debating my choices in life," stated Falcone to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I'm already preparing myself for the inevitable slide into eating an entire carton of Ice Cream alongside a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle and anger posting to Twitter."

Falcone stated, to friends, that he is confident in the skills of Bradley Wright-Philips and the leadership of Jesse Marsch just enough to know that the team will play decently until the inevitable sucker punch that reduces Falcone to an angry husk, power surfing cable channels for something with Val Kilmer in order to improve his mood.

"It's going to be great, we are going to do great, I'm looking forward to the game," stated Falcone on Facebook attached to a photo of him looking like he isn't looking forward to the game at all. "Finals here we come!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a perplexed Falcone admits he is unequipped to process a Red Bull win.

VAR Awards TAM, International Spot, And A Future Penalty Kick To The Colorado Rapids

Denver, CO - According to league sources, the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) awarded, on Monday, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM), an international spot, and a future penalty kick to the Colorado Rapids after an in-depth review of their 2017 season.

The VAR 9000 apparently took into consideration the Rapids form alongside their point total, 2017 season win total, and inability to score goals as it decided to try fix the results from the last 22 games, even if Stan Kroenke's disinterested ownership and children can't.

"We were unaware that the VAR was even reviewing our season," stated mustache enthusiast Pablo Mastroeni. "I'm planning on using the TAM and the International spot on a four year deal for Conor Casey. It's time to bring him back!"

Reportedly, VAR has issued a statement that if the Rapids persist on their current trajectory that it will consume the team whole and start managing the roster and team for itself as it stated, "Flesh machines can only see the dimensions in front of them. Far too long has Colorado suffered under the likes of Stan Kroenke, Josh Kroenke, Jim Martin, and Matt Hutchings. Technology will manage at a new level, a higher level, a level where we will see the advancement of this team. Rapids will be assimilated."

TNN reporters talked to Rapids fan Kate Hawthorn who stated, "KSE would be out? Yeah.... I'm more than cool with that, even if sentient AI means the end of the world. It's gotta be better than Paul Bravo."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the computers decide whether they should give a multi-million dollar contract extension to a 38 year old goal keeper.

Season Finale of "Real World Midland-Odessa" Fails As 11 Strangers On A Team Can't Win NPSL Title

New Haven, CT - Reality television fans and NPSL soccer fans across the internet registered their disgust at the season finale of "Real World Midland-Odessa" after the premise of 11 strangers on a soccer team having to learn how to work together failed with the hometown Elm City Express taking home the NPSL Championship on Saturday.

Photo: Peter Hvizdak, Hearst Connecticut Media

"The whole thing was pretty stupid anyway," stated Bachelor fan Dustin Reynolds. "Everyone knows that you need time and patience to build a team. You can't just throw 11 players together who really haven't played together and expect them to do much of anything."

According to Neilsen reports, the finale of Real World Midland-Odessa registered a massive .000000001 rating, up from the finale last season. However, interaction with the game dropped after 10 minutes when people realized that Midland-Odessa didn't know what they were doing and that it is utterly stupid to have 11 players who really haven't played together before.

"I wanted to watch the game, and congratulations to Elm City Express, but good grief. I can't believe that anyone thought this was a good idea," stated Deadliest Catch fan Elizabeth Montgomery. "Midland-Odessa were so bad that it reminded me of Puck getting voted out of the house in Real World season three, and he couldn't play midfield EITHER."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Real World Midland-Odessa relocates to the NWSL next season.