Denver, CO - According to league sources, the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) awarded, on Monday, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM), an international spot, and a future penalty kick to the Colorado Rapids after an in-depth review of their 2017 season.
The VAR 9000 apparently took into consideration the Rapids form alongside their point total, 2017 season win total, and inability to score goals as it decided to try fix the results from the last 22 games, even if Stan Kroenke's disinterested ownership and children can't.
"We were unaware that the VAR was even reviewing our season," stated mustache enthusiast Pablo Mastroeni. "I'm planning on using the TAM and the International spot on a four year deal for Conor Casey. It's time to bring him back!"
Reportedly, VAR has issued a statement that if the Rapids persist on their current trajectory that it will consume the team whole and start managing the roster and team for itself as it stated, "Flesh machines can only see the dimensions in front of them. Far too long has Colorado suffered under the likes of Stan Kroenke, Josh Kroenke, Jim Martin, and Matt Hutchings. Technology will manage at a new level, a higher level, a level where we will see the advancement of this team. Rapids will be assimilated."
TNN reporters talked to Rapids fan Kate Hawthorn who stated, "KSE would be out? Yeah.... I'm more than cool with that, even if sentient AI means the end of the world. It's gotta be better than Paul Bravo."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the computers decide whether they should give a multi-million dollar contract extension to a 38 year old goal keeper.