USL Notifies Robbie Rogers That He Faces Six Game Suspension For Snitching

League sources from the United Soccer League (USL) told The Nutmeg News that officials from the USL have notified Robbie Rogers that he is facing a suspension for lodging a complaint about the abusive and hateful language that was repeatedly used against him by Orange County Blues FC midfielder Richard Chaplow.

You folks at the USL are really bad at this.

"The fact that he complained about this situation made us have to actually convene a council and figure out a disciplinary measure. The whole thing is really annoying," stated chairman Rob Hoskins. "It's not like we can do anything about what our players do, so we would rather that Robbie just put his head down and ignore everything that was happening so our lives could continue uncomplicated."

While Rogers is only on loan to the USL to recover from a recent injury, the league none the less notified Rogers that he was potentially looking at a 6 game suspension under the "no snitches" act. The USL, as well, notified Chaplow that he would be suspended two games as league representatives stated, "It's only a personal attack with hateful language. At least he wasn't abusing a referee. That would be unconscionable. Abusing someone cause they are gay? What are we to do? The USL roundly states that verbally abusing someone due to their sexuality is not NEARLY as bad as telling a referee he is shit."

"We love all our players equally," stated Hoskins. "You know what they say.... hate the sin but love the sinner, so it makes sense that we must punish the sin."

The Nutmeg News cannot confirm which player Hoskins was talking about as his media handlers shut down our interview immediately after this.

Carli Lloyd Delays Return To Off-Season Training With, "That Stupid League Thing"

United States international Carli Lloyd stated that she plans to delay her return to off-season training with, "that stupid league thing," after closing out her 2016 soccer season at the end of the Olympics.

Carli Lloyd celebrating at the end of the 2015 soccer season.

Lloyd announced that she will not be back with the Houston Dash immediately following the 2016 Olympics as she doesn't feel the need to start her program of getting back in shape for the upcoming professional season of Women's World Cup Qualifying League.

"The WWCQL is the most important thing for me, but I don't want to go straight back into offseason training mode right after the Olympics," stated Lloyd to The Nutmeg News. "It's important to take a break from the training and rigors of the pre-season with the whole Womens Athletic League or whatever that stuff is called."

Lloyd additionally stated that she was frustrated with the demands put on her for her pre-season training with her NWSL team in Houston. 

"The Crash have just been all over me to get back on time, but I told them that my real season hasn't begun yet, so I'm just planning on taking some me time before I get back. I only need to start playing when the US Women get back into qualifying for the Algarve Cup or the Women's World Cup. That's when the season begins. Otherwise this whole thing is just pointless running around on a hot field for a bunch of saps stupid enough to actually pay money watch us play."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when our twitter account gets blocked.

6400 Word Dissertation To Accompany Next Sounders T.I.F.O

Seattle,  WA - After the success of the protest Rickroll T.I.F.O at the weekend, members of the Emerald City Supporters (ECS) confirmed to The Nutmeg News that their next display would be accompanied by a 6400 word dissertation explaining the ideal, motive, feeling you should have and impact that the piece should convey to the viewer.

"You see, children, what the artist intended was for us to be challenged by the perspective at it pertains to our addiction to technology. Through this T.I.F.O we must understand the franco-prussian war as experienced through pacificst anti-war advocates like Elihu Burritt. So, no, Jimmy... It is NOT just a cock and balls."

The Nutmeg News spoke under the condition of anonymity to ECS T.I.F.O designer "Rick Steves" about the upcoming future display for the Emerald City Supporters and he was able to inform our reporter about some interesting upcoming features.

"Well, the first thing to note, without giving away too much, is that we found a sympathetic professor in the classics department at the University of Washington who translated Sanskrit for us," stated Mr. Steves to our reporter. "It's something that has been in the works for a seriously significant period of time. Like a long fucking time, dude."

Reportedly, the T.I.F.O display will have both electronic tour guides available as well as educated docents to explain the overall impact of the piece at the time when it was conceived as well as the impact it is having in real time as social media will add to the overall conceptual aspect.

"If quoting Rick Astly didn't serve to inform Major League Soccer that we don't like them, just wait until they read the next T.I.F.O," explained Mr. Steves. "We care deeply about literacy, our team, our hatred of Major League Soccer, the experience of dead languages throughout the ages as they pertain to serfdom, the evolution of the human experience and the rights of man; and feel this will address local soccer issues on a biblical scale. hint. hint. Look, I've probably said too much but this will all be explained in the dissertation that accompanies this piece."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ECS unveil their new masterpiece slated for a display at the Duomo di Milano in 2017.

Despite Declarative Statement On Twitter, Team Not Certain They Really Want Three Points On The Road

Oklahoma City, OK - Despite a declarative statement on twitter, the Oklahoma City Energy were reportedly not entirely certain that they really wanted three points on the road in Colorado Springs when they play Switchbacks FC on Wednesday.

"You know... I mean... It's the twitter account social media intern, so maybe if they want to go out there and play centerback at altitude......."

Players for the Energy were reportedly a bit preturbed with the big talk of the Twitter account that seemed to be making a collective statement for the team that the Energy players hadn't officially decided upon.

"Sure the twitter account wants three points, but what about us?" stated a defensive player who wished to remain anonymous. "It's a lot of big talk, but I'm the one who has to chase these players up and down the field for 85 minutes, so maybe I want one point. Or maybe I just want to go home and watch House of Cards. Did the Twitter account ever think of that?"

The Nutmeg News spoke to a anonymous short midfielder who stated, "Does the twitter account know what it is like to try for 3 points at altitude? If the social media person wants to go out there and get 3 points, let them have it. I'm going to work on finding a good pizza place for the afters. I hear that Borriello Brothers is very good."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the social media account backs down from their earlier proclimation to a more general, "Energy FC ambivalent about playing Colorado Springs" statement.

Timbers Fan Completes Third Metamorphosis And Emerges From Cocoon

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Jimmy Davis emerged from a cocoon made of shredded front office scarves and memorabilia to announce his third metamorphosis was complete into a fan concerned by style and dress. As Davis stepped out of the sticky womb like structure wearing a Fred Perry polo and new pair of Adidas Sambas he announced that he was ready for the game against Seattle on Sunday.

I wasn't ultra before, but now I'm VERY ultra.

Davis began his existence as an unconcerned and unloving soccer fan who went to a Timbers game because his friend Bradley Warner had a free ticket.

"Yeah, that was before my First Metamorphosis," stated Mr Davis to The Nutmeg News. "During my first larval stage I wore front office scarves and a Timbers shirt I bought at the grocery store. Then after my First metamorphosis I transitioned into a man who had his face painted, brought a funny hat to games, and drank too much cheap beer"

According to Davis, he then began to feel a transition beyond his face painting stage as he completed a Second Metamorphosis. 

"I really spun up a dense web of change as I moved into wearing more supporter gear and scarves," stated Davis whistfully. "I really threw myself into the world of the Timbers Army and wore their gear everywhere, even to work. After a few years I could feel the pull of nature prevailing upon my own instincts as I started to collect all my former items of fandom and spun a new cocoon where i transitioned into my Third Metamorphosis as a casual."

Davis now only wears terrace clothing made popular by fans in England as his closet filled up with Fred Perry, Sergio Tachini, and Adidas.

"I've dropped the face painting, I leave the scarves at home and now I just go nattily dressed," stated Davis. "It's a new epoch in my evolution, and I'm excited about my upcoming fourth evolution where I spawn and remain at home to watch games from my couch."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Davis as he sells off his former clothes to desperate fans only emerging from their second metamorphosis.

Woman Willing To Give It 10 More Games Til She Decides If Team Is Good

WASHINGTON - DC United fan Paula Newberry has admitted that after 24 games played she still can't tell if her beloved United are crap or good.

"Honestly, I just don't have a clue anymore."

"I'm gonna give it 10 more games," stated Ms. Newberry in an interview with The Nutmeg News. "10 more games til I decide if this team is crap, or the best thing ever. Once we hit the final game of the season I really hope to actually have a better idea of what in the ever loving fuck is going on."

With United barely hanging on to a playoff place, currently, Ms. Newberry has admitted to having a pantheon of opinions at her fingertips for how the season has gone.

"Some of my friends are saying the team is poorly and cheaply constructed. They say that OIsen doesn't know what he is doing and that we are just wandering our way through the season. Others say that we haven't seen everything this team can do, yet. That we are currently four games unbeaten, that there's still 10 games left and who knows what happens when you make it into the playoffs."

While the difference in opinion has polarized her friends, Ms. Newberry stated that she still doesn't have an opinion on the team and hopes to develop one by the final game of the year against Orlando.

"If I don't have one by then, hopefully I'll have an opinion on this years team by the team that the 2017 season begins."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Newberry takes to twitter to tell everyone that there's still plenty of time left in the season.

Woman Only Two Articles Away From Hating The Sport She Covers

LOS ANGELES - NWSL and MLS writer Hannah Brooke admitted that she is only two articles away from hating the sport that she covers religiously for free in her spare time.

Oh, another article on Hope Solo? How original. I hope The Nutmeg News burns in hell.

"I started to feel the twinge while I was writing an article on international players returning from the olympics to the NWSL and I realized that the twinge was a desperate amount of passionate dislike for all the machinations and mechanisms that I've covered over the past 5 years that are slowly building up into a constant state of frustration, hate, and dislike," stated Brooke to The Nutmeg News on Friday. 

"I was able to shake off that feeling and finish the article without a huge amount of cynicsm, but I feel that it is only a matter of time before covering the thing that I love in-depth will turn me against that thing for the foreseable future."

Brooke stated that she started to feel this at the beginning of the 2016 NWSL season when she was already tired of writing about the league player machinations, pay concerns, league viability, attendance, marketing, and individual player concerns before the season even began.

"It's been a slow process but writing about that thing that I love has made the love start to wane, so I'm not entirely certain what I'm going to do if writing about the thing that I love makes me hate the thing that I love so that I eventually hate my writing about that thing that I used to love. It's only a matter of time, and the story that kills my love of writing about the game and the game itself will probably be an international player telling the NWSL to wait while she recovers on a beach somewhere."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brooke tries to unwind by just watching a soccer game for fun instead of trying to find a story in it about which to write.

RBNY Fan's Hatred Of DC United Stems Entirely From Construction Of Woodrow Wilson Bridge

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Deryk Wilson admitted that his seething hatred of D.C. United stems entirely from the traffic and delays that messed up his commute during the construction of the Woodrow Wilson bridge.

DAMN YOU, BRIDGE! AND DAMN YOU, Nick DeLEON!

"I'll always blame the district for that, and by associated guilt that means that D.C. United are to blame," stated Wilson to The Nutmeg News. "Do you KNOW how much time I wasted in my commute due to construction? Every time I see Luciano Acosta running free as a bird it reminds me of the time I was trapped in my car for over an hour just sitting still and it makes me want to puch things."

Reportedly, Wilson calculated that he spent at least a year sitting in traffic from the resulting commuting snafu and has yet to forgive anyone involved in the construction of the bridge including the state of Maryland and the District of Columbia

"They (Maryland) don't have a club yet but if they did, I'd hate them with the power of a million suns," ranted Wilson to our reporter. "As it is, I'll have to accept my blinding and unending hatred of Ben Olsen, Bill Hamid and Steve Birnbaum as a proxy for my true disgust over commute times during the bridge and freeway construction project."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Wilson rails against other Public Works projects that have poisoned him against soccer fanbases including The Big Dig in Boston.

Soccer Blogger Hits It Big, Buys 1994 Toyota Tercel To Celebrate

Rochester, NY - Soccer Blogger and all around media personality Henry Thurgood, announced that he finally hit it big by getting a 1200 word, highly researched and vetted article on race relations and the history of the NASL published in a national soccer magazine in England. With his $20 comission, Thurgood stated that he finally had enough money cobbled together to buy his victory whip, a 1994 Toyota Tercel.

It's a sweet ride for a soccer blogger. At 20% interest he will have this paid off in a few decades.

"Finally, I can show my parents that I've achieved something after following and writing on the sport for nearly 20 years," stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News. 

While Thurgood has given his labor and efforts to the soccer blogging community since the boom of the internet, it is only recently that he has been able to reap the rewards available to those talented enough to receive them.

"I got credentials to some games recently and was able to ask questions at a press conference, unpaid of course," stated Thurgood. "I was also able to travel to the MLS All Star Game and get into the media events. I had to pay my way there and use up my vacation time from work to do it, but the experience was great."

Thurgood's blog of insights, in-depth tactical analysis, thought provoking stories, videos, podcasts, and collaborations with famous media personalities has thrived despite not actually making him any money over the past 10 years.

"It isn't about the money, if I keep on doing my job that will come," stated Thurgood as he clipped coupons for ramen after spending all his money on a new microphone and video camera in order to have better audio and vido quality for the interviews he films for his website. "I know that if I just keep on writing, that eventually I'll get one of those gigs where I make the big bucks. Can you imagine making $50 for a story? MY GOD. I've got a little 84 Chrysler Lebaron that I have my eye on when I hit that milestone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thurgood skimps on his hot sauce purchase for the month in order to cover his data overage charges on his cell phone plan in order to record his podcast on the road.

Man Not Entirely Certain Why He Is Mad At Cropper Situation

NEW YORK - Soccer fan Davis Gerto admitted he isn't entirely certain why he is mad at the Cody Cropper situation, but that isn't stopping him from raging online at the vague facts and suppositions of others.

AYKUT AKICI/ISIPHOTOS.COM - "Don't worry, folks. I don't have a clue either"

"SOMETHING IS BULLSHIT!" stated Mr Gerto on his twitter account. "I don't know what it is, and I'm not certain what happened but I'm guessing that whatever it is, it is bad, or wrong or something."

Reportedly, Gerto was interested in the Cody Cropper situation purely from a "how the league is going to act" standpoint, however he isn't entirely certain what he expected.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Major League Soccer regarding the acquisition of Cody Cropper and they had the following to say, "Everything that happened with regards to Mr Cropper was above board, and fully consistently consistent with our consistent rules and consistent application of the rules and our consistent interpretation of the consistent application of the consistent rules and there is nothing further to the rumors that we are inconsistently applying the so-called rules to whatever we want to do as we interpret them."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some anonymous account announces that he has figured out what the league did, despite no one having a fucking clue what is going on.

The Battle For 15th Place, In Major League Soccer, Intensifies

The battle for 15th place in Major League Soccer intensified after a weekend where DC United was able to win, Orlando City SC drew and the New England Revolution lost.

This is what we have all been waiting for, queue up the slow motion replays and dramatic retelling! 15th PLACE!

"I don't know if I can take this kind of epic situation," stated DC fan Carlos Herrera. "15th place in a 20 team league is really beyond my wildest dreams. I mean, 15th place! My god, have you thought about it! We are only 18 points off of the supporters shield! I have to pinch myself awake every time I look at the standings and realize that we are actually 8 points above the worst team in the league."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer is excited that the 15th place battle in the league is so tight this season as inside sources stated, "Things are really starting to hot up down there. Hopefully one of the teams can make it into the playoffs in order to be canon fodder for the other teams in the east that make it early. 15th place is something every fan can be proud of! 15th place should get a trophy! Every team should get a trophy! Trophies for all teams!"

Even despondent fans of the New England Revolution have hope as Revs fan Chuck Daniels stated, "It's going to be just our luck that we will squeak into the playoffs somehow, the front office won't fire Heaps, we will lose the USOC final, we will lose in the first round and then nothing will happen.... again.... again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we hastily cobble together another video series about the thin red line.

Tired Of Waiting For Jay Heaps To Get Fired, Dos Santos Heads Back To NASL

Kansas City, KS - Tired of waiting for Jay Heaps to get fired from the New England Revolution, Marc Dos Santos announced that he would be heading back to the North American Soccer League to be the head coach of the San Francisco Deltas.

"I'm here to announce that I'm leaving for a short amount of time and then coming back to the league with a different team."

"It was exhausting," stated Dos Santos in a private interview with The Nutmeg News. "I really thought that the Revolution would have fired Heaps by now, but they just keep hanging on and in the mean time I got this offer. Well, what could I do? I'm not going to spend another year in the USL."

Reportedly Dos Santos took the job with Swope Park Rangers so that he could await the removal of a head coach in Major League Soccer and swoop in, but the reticence of onwers in Major League Soccer to fire their coaches lead to him changing his mind.

"This USL shit is for the birds," stated Dos Santos. "I can't deal with the substitution rules and the crazy number of academy teams, and the rotating first 11 that seems to change based upon what the parent team wants. And despite the year that the Revolution have had, hell despite the year that Columbus or Chicago or Houston have had, none of them have come calling, so I'm back off to the NASL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Dos Santos leaves the Deltas to coach the Chicago Fire in two years.

Cowards Advance To Final, Continue To Win

Rio De Janeiro, BR - International cowards and eaters of the soul of football, Sweden, again advanced in the Olympic Women's Football Tournament despite their shame spiral of depression tinged tactics which threatens to tear apart the fabric of the game in the world as we know it and reduce international competition to two groups of 11 people that just throw the ball at each other until they tire, sit down and then discuss the political ramifications of austerity measures in Berlin.

What a bunch of cowards.

According to inside sources, members of the Swedish football team have continually been beating up on their self esteem for their, "yellow-bellied and chicken" approach to the game while continuously asking if they should just stop playing, turn in their uniforms and retire to plant gardens somewhere at a community center outside Lidköping.

"The only way to play is to play like Brazil and the United States," stated Kosovare Asllani. "I don't even know what we are doing anymore. We should graciously accept our loss, or not even enter the tournament if we can't play like Brazil. Maybe there should be an Olympic standard for football that tells us all how to play so that we are competing appropriately at the games from now on."

Even Nilla Fischer agreed stating, "We tried to copy the American style. We found a tall woman who was past her prime and tried to cross the ball to her head repetitively until one of the chances went in while also sticking with this philosophy at the expense of tactical team development and integrating the upcoming youth on our squad, but it just didn't stick. I just don't know what I'm going to do... oh well, I'll go play for the gold medal."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cowards face Germany which hasn't been demonized quite yet, but give us some time and we will work on this.

Canada Prepares For Game As US Soccer Protest Continuation Of Soccer Tournament

Rio De Janeiro, BR - Canada continued their preparation for their semi-final game against Germany today as the debate over whether the Olympic Women's Soccer Tournament should continue without the United States involved, raged.

© @StephLabbe - They are still playing....... What's the excuse USA?

According to insider sources, someone with United States Soccer filed a formal protest and grievance against the Olympic Soccer tournament for the act of continuing to play without the United States.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain part of the written complain which stated, "Ya'll owe us EVERYTHING. We should be included. We built this tournament. We made it big. We made all your teams big. We paved the way and brought soccer to the forefront. Every woman want's to be us, everyone person wants to watch us. We are King Kong. You can't eliminate us, we will eliminate you!"

The United States Olympic Committee wouldn't comment on the leaked documents as they stated, "We cannot comment on the veracity of the documents that you have seen. However, we must categorically state that without the United States in the Women's Soccer Tournament that no one cares. The United States is the best and the biggest and everyone requires our presence at all times in every tournament, but no more so than in the olympics. We believe that the United States should always make the final and that to elminate them needlessly DOES show a lack of foresight on the part of the International Olympic Comittee."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the games continue, the tournament rolls on and Canada plays Germany for a chance at an Olympic Final.

Grizzled Columbus Crew Fan Tells Youth Of What Wins Were Like

Columbus, OH - "WHY BACK IN MY DAY, WE KNEW THE LOVING CARESS OF THREE POINTS, YESSIR," began Robert Thomas Gibbs as he waxed nostalgic to a bunch of awe struck millenials.

"Some of you whippersnapers don't remember regimental leader Hejduk and the great wars of the 90s."

Mr. Gibbs recently started a lecturing circuit at public places in the Columbus area including parks, street corners and bus terminals where he tells new Columbus Crew fans what a win was like back in the olden days of being a fan, before everything went wrong.

"Why the day was May 28th, 2016; and I can remember it like it was yesterday," stated Mr. Gibbs as he popped in a dip of Copenhagen, cleaned his pipe, and relaxed his gaze upon a dandilion growing in the cracks of the sidewalk. "It was a glorious time back then. Back when we was doing the hard work in the field, but the living was easy, oh for those days of wins and optimism."

Reportedly, Mr. Gibbs started reminisicing back to the good old days when the bad old days of current time weren't enough to continue supporting his beloved Crew as he stated, "better to live in nostalgia than face the current gaping maw of unenviable darkness that threatens to consume us whole with her subtle embrace of death of season and the screaming harbinger of doom that is offseason."

As he whittled a miniature figurine of Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Robert Thomas Gibbs weaved stories of MLS Cup, Frankie Hedjuk, and Pipa before the crushing reality of 2016 came calling.

"Why it was the time when a man or woman could really know their fellow fan, not like the cold times of three months later when we fight over the meaning of life and whether anyone on this team is any damn good," mumbled Gibbs as he squinted towards the youthful, innocent faces of the 23 year old Tax attourneys that just started following the Crew after their trip to MLS Cup.

"SOME DAY YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF," blurted Gibbs as he hastily retreated to the cover of shade to drink a half-full powerade that he spiked with Smirnoff.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gibbs tries to keep all those rascally, no-good, stake claiming, snake dealing carpetbaggers out of his seat in the Nordecke.

LA Man Is "Leicester Til I Die, but not at 4:30 in the morning."

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Jorge Poloma admitted that while he may be "Leicester Til I Die" after last season, he remains firmly in the group of people who think, "Not Leicester at 4:30 in the morning."

That's great and all, but could you do this at a reasonable hour?

"Did you see the time? Have you ever gotten up at 4:30 in the morning?" ranted Mr. Poloma to The Nutmeg News. "It is exhausting. I've loved the team since late last year, but I'm not getting up at 4:30 am in order to watch them."

According to friends in his life, Mr. Poloma talked a big game about getting up early and supporting his boys on the field, but started having doubts on Thursday when he truly started to realize how early the game was going to be broadcast the west coast.

"I picked up a great team, a passion, a love for Leicester, but that passion, team and love aren't enough to drag me from bed at 4:30 in the morning," stated Mr Poloma in a strongly worded Facebook message to his friend Yancey. "I'll just watch the game on replay and wake up at a suitable time for a game. This 4:30 shit is insane."

Sources deep in Mr Poloma's life have stated that he is considering switching to Chelsea this season with their resaonable first week kick off time and their firey new coach. 

"I'd never betray my recent new-found, within the last 10 months, love of Leicester," stated Poloma as he looked at Chelsea kits online.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Poloma lets the TV schedule decide the fate of his infatuation with Leicester.

US Soccer Announces "2016 Defeat Tour" For US Women Following Olympic Loss

CHICAGO - US Soccer, today, announced a 2016 Defeat Tour for the United States Women's Soccer Team (USWNT) to start after the conclusion of the 2016 Olympics.

Celso Junior/Getty Images

"In honor of losing the quarterfinal game against Sweden, the US Women will play a slate of 33 games in 6 months for our 2016 Defeat Tour," stated a press release by US Soccer

The Nutmeg News spoke to Sunil Gulati regarding the 2016 Defeat Tour and he had the following to say regarding the arrangements.

"Don't worry, I know what you are thinking but we will not be paying the players a single cent. They lost, and we all remember that they lost, so they don't get paid for this tour. They should just think of this 2016 Defeat Tour sponsored by Nike and Pantene PRO-V as a penance for disappointing everyone," stated Gulati.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abby Wambach is called into the USWNT for the Defeat Tour.

USWNT Fan Exclaims, "I Need Clint Dempsey's Help Explaining This 0-0 USA Sweden Halftime Score"

Bristol, CT - Georgia Rutherford, US Soccer fan and advocate for poppyseed bagels, admitted that she was unsure what she should think about the 0-0 halftime score between the United States and Sweden, and hoped that US Soccer would tell her what Clint Dempsey thinks about the game, in order to settle her mind.

"Look, he is so good that he is playing for the United States Women in an Olympic tournament!"

"Clearly, US Soccer showed that Dempsey is involved with all matters, and as I'm just a simple women's soccer fan I need Dempsey to tell me what I should think about the game," stated Rutherford to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "After reviewing the US Soccer twitter feed I was struck by the fact that Dempsey impacts all matters of my life, from the mundane to the tactical to the thoughts about Christen Press and Tobin Heath, who is just Dempsey or at least in some way related to Dempsey. So I'm just waiting for him to tell me that everything is going to be ok, and then to run out and score the goal that will advance the United States Women to the next round."

Despite the fact that the United States men didn't make the Olympics, Rutherford agrees with US Soccer that Dempsey should be involved in every possible metric of the game as she fell to the ground exclaiming, "PLEASE TELL ME, Clint Dempsey. WILL EVERYTHING BE OK?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer Twitter posts what Dempsey thinks about Dempsey's thoughts on the USWNT game featuring Clint Dempsey and Clint Dempsey's Dempsey.

DEMPSEY

DEMPSEY

DEMPSEY

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Nationally Televised US Open Cup Victory Converts Dozens Of Fans To "The Magic Of The Cup"

The nationally televised broadcast of the US Open Cup semifinal between the LA Galaxy and FC Dallas of Major League Soccer managed to convert dozens of fans to the magic of the tournament as the game finished 2-1 for a Dallas victory in the second half of extra time.

USA Today Sports Images

"I don't know about the rest of the fans, nationwide, but I was swept up in the magic of the last few minutes that I managed to catch on television in between setting my oven for Totino's pizza rolls and finding the last Coke Zero in the back of the fridge, when I was sitting at home by myself," stated Timothy Clark of New Hope, Pennsylvania.

"I was watching the Olympics, but switching over for the final few minutes made a fan out of me provided that they continue broadcasting the tournament and somehow I'm at home when the game is on next year because honestly I didn't see any promotion leading into this and didn't have a clue that the game was going to be on ESPN last night!" stated Hannah Rast of Oberlin, Ohio.

"I was actually asleep, having nodded off at the first half, but I woke up just in time to see all the Dallas goals and it seems like it might have turned into a good game? I actually might tune in to more of the nationally televised games for the US Open Cup next year, or I might watch wrestling, it depends." stated Henry Osmaz of Brooklyn, New York.

Sources within US Soccer indicate that the ratings surpassed the modest predictions given by those involved in putting the event on television in the first place.

"We thought it would be negative numbers," stated president of USOC Distribution Rights and Office Recycling Enforcement, Anna Kaval. "But it turns out that a whopping 20 Nielsen TV households tuned into the broadcast! Just think of the bounty of new fans that are going to prop this tournament up. We actually may have to advertise the US Open Cup in the future. I mean, that's not going to happen, but it is fun to imagine that it could!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Open Cup Mania sweeps at least three households and an apartment.

Woman Ready To Swallow Entire Frustration Of The 55 Year Championship Wait As New Tottenham Fan

Tallahassee, FL - New soccer fan Harriet Branin stated that she was ready to swallow the entirety of the ennui surrounding the 55 year Championship wait by Tottenham fans as she dives into the deep end of soccer support this season.

"Ok, so I have very, very mixed feelings on Sol Campbell."

"I looked over all the teams and I realized that I liked the players and the history of Tottenham the most," stated Branin to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "So I decided that in order to appropriately root for the team this upcoming season I would prepare myself to swallow the entire frustrating 55 year wait for another league title, in whole, in one pre-season."

Branin has taken to a training regiment of pumping herself up that Tottenham will win the title and then watching games where they lose or draw in order to appropriately prepare herself for the mentality that she needs to have as a new fan. So far, her training has mandated a marathon few months of doing nothing but watching replays of old Spurs games with her eyes taped open, liberal amounts of caffeine and strong words regarding Arsene Wenger. She has also taken an immediate dislike to anything related to the color red, or related to Arsenal. 

"I didn't really know it before, but I've come to understand that I hate Arsenal. I now can really give my friend Jeff a massive amount of shit, whereas before I was relatively ambivalent about his soccer choices when he randomly picked Arsenal last year. This has opened up a whole new window in our relationship and I'm planning on holding my fandom of my new team over his head when Kane drops 3 goals on those bastards at White Hart Lane."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Branin announces her arrival onto the Spurs supporters scene by a Facebook post stating, "same old spurs" after a disappointing draw at home.