"It Took 22 Men To Lose This Game For Everyone," States Pablo Mastroeni

Commerce City, CO - Head coach of the Colorado Rapids, Pablo Mastroeni, took to his post game talk to congratulate both the Colorado Rapids and the Portland Timbers on their ability to not score in front of a near capacity crowd during the game before the Colorado Rapids Fourth of July fireworks display.

The only fireworks that the fans will remember

Photo: Daniel Petty, The Denver Post

"It took 22 men to lose this game for everyone and I want to congratulate you all on being able to hold your head up high tonight. Everyone that came out to watch us is now going home talking about the fireworks after the game and the defensive soccer game that they watched finish 0-0. We all achieved something monumental in the Denver by not scoring and I want to congratulate both the Rapids and the Timbers for our collective lack of ability at breaking down the defense."

Reportedly, fans were nonplussed as The Nutmeg News spoke with Manny Caliston from Littleton, Colorado who stated, "we came here for the fireworks, I always knew this game was going to finish 0-0. Isn't that how every soccer game finishes?"

Dawn and Harold Sanderson, from Highlands Ranch, stated, "We brought our two boys here for the fireworks, they were initially excited for the game, but they checked out around the 55th minute. We promised them an ice cream to get them to stay, but they were excited for the post game fireworks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids get another possible sell out next year on July 4th.

Argentine-American Discovers That He Is Actually 1/23rd Welsh

Cincinnati, OH -  Local soccer fan and FC Cincinnati supporter Deryk Williams shocked friends, again, with his reveal that he is actually 1/23rd Argentinian AND 1/23rd Welsh, after Wales clinched a birth in the Euro 2016 semi-finals.

"It's from my Dad's grandfathers second wife."

"I never knew Deryk was Argentinian AND Welsh AND American," stated good friend Sandra Blevens. "I'm starting to think that this constant state of discovering his heritage is less a manifestation of genealogy or research, and more a statement on his shifting alliance to root for teams that are doing well."

This whole thing continued when the Copa America ended and Mr. Williams needed another team to root for while he patiently waits for the next game for FC Cincinnati and the Premier League to kick off in whichever country he celebrates as having the premier league. currently.

"As it turns out, I'm 1/23rd Argentinian AND 1/23rd Welsh, so I'm fulling rooting for Gareth Bale in this one. If they get knocked out I'm jumping onto whoever the hell is left and entertaining with both feet. After all, I think my grandmothers second lover during college was Italian."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams tries to find a flag store in Cincinnati that will sell him a Welsh Flag for their semi-final game against Portugal.

Soccer Fan Admits He Won't Accept American Soccer Supporters

NEW YORK - English soccer aficionado Robert Gates admitted that he won't accept American soccer supporters until they, "toughen up, stop singing, stop chanting, stab a few people, be miserable, and really hate everyone around them."

 (Credit: Rob Tringali/New York Red Bulls)

"This whole thing in the United States is just Americans aping European culture," stated Gates to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Put down your flags, you aren't Italian. Stop singing, you aren't English. Stop with your tifo displays, you aren't ultras. All fans in the United States are terrible. This isn't a melting pot, this is the USA. You don't have your own culture in soccer. Nobody will take the Timbers Army, Emerald City Supporters, the Inebriatti, the Cauldron, the South Ward, or The Ruckus seriously until they disband completely, hate their own team, and physically assault fellow fans and rival fans outside a stadium with little provocation. We need less singing, less hospitality and more petulant dickheads that are willing to fight the police, their own team and rival fans with chairs, bats and whatever they find on the ground around them."

Reportedly, Gates himself doesn't attend MLS games because he hates the standard of play, the fans, the league and the players, but he also, surprisingly, keeps telling everyone who DOES attend games what they should or shouldn't be doing like some kind of gigantic asshole.

"All these fans are just terrible, their songs are terrible, their tifo is terrible, and their so-called passion is terrible. No one should root for any soccer team in the United States or Canada because soccer wasn't invented here. You can't replace 150 years of passion just because you started caring in the last 5 years. Everyone who started caring about soccer recently is a massive hipster because real fans spent their time caring about the game back in the 1980s when you couldn't watch any teams on the television, there wasn't a national league, there was no internet and you had to know someone with a satellite dish to even catch highlights"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Gates continues to tell people what they should be doing. 

Major League Soccer Expands Social Media Program To Acknowledge Existence Of Canada

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, updated their Twitter avatar and re-tweeted some Canada Day posts in order to acknowledge the existence of Canada in an effort to reach out to the country it usually forgets the other 364 days of the year.

"We would write something about the Canadian national team but they aren't good and we just don't care."

"With the whole One Nation One Team business, recently, we were pretty much required to make a big deal out of Canada Day this year," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "None of us really know anything about Canada Day or Canada, but when we eventually absorb whatever they have into the United States as a non-voting but taxed district of the United States, we will have more time to learn about whatever it is that they do up there. It's syrup, Rush, Celine Dion and Beiber.... right?"

Fans of Major League Soccer teams in Canada were reportedly shocked to find out that the league was actually tweeting about their country as Toronto FC fan Desmond Budoix stated, "We thought that Major League Soccer was convinced that Toronto was just a suburb of Buffalo. It's pretty unreal. I suppose the fact that we actually get a day's worth of coverage makes up for the frequent orgiastic hyperbole that descends upon Major League Soccer when Michael Bradley steps up to play and get injured internationally."

Abbot and Garber stated, privately, however that they would be pulling the reins on any further Canada celebrations of the league stating, "We are privately still working on incorporating our Canadian cities into the United States so we don't have to worry about any of their pesky taxation or labor laws or international regulations. So don't worry, They desperately want to be part of One Nation, One Team and we are working to make that happen."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people from the United States complain about the frequent Canada Day posts from Major League Soccer

End Of NPSL Season Brings Crushing Realization To Supporter

Nashville, TN - "I've got to attend what?" stated Nashville FC supporter Henry Carsten after realizing that with the closing of the NPSL season he would now be required to attend more functions that he found a way to excuse himself from on the basis of supporting the team throughout the summer.

PHOTO CREDIT: BILL HOBBS/BILLHOBBS.COM

Reportedly, Carsten's familial commitments and schedule took a huge hit once the Nashville FC season started, but every obligation that he pushed off, including the pending move of his brother Jamey, have now come calling as his schedule after the NPSL season filled up with chores, family gatherings, graduations and mandatory celebrations.

"Oh c'mon, we can't play another month? I'm not ready to actually have the season be over. This is terrible, I just need another month, maybe two. THE SEASON IS TOO FUCKING SHORT," stated an irate Carsten to his Labrador retriever, Bran. 

"I already miss the crowds, the smell of the grass, the flags, the chants, my god... why is the NPSL season this short?!" stated a bewildered Carsten as he prepared for the end. "The family reunion is in July? WHAT KIND OF CRUEL JOKE IS THIS. WHY DO YOU HATE ME, SOCCER GODS!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carsten picks an English team to support in order to pass the time til Nashville FC starts playing again.

Journalist Files Entire US Open Cup Game Report In Emoji

NEW YORK - Soccer Journalist Frederik Aalmondstadt filed an entire game report for the recent US Open Cup game between the New York Cosmos and the New England Revolution in emoji, following a new trend by Journalists, Twitter users, and 12 year old children of being unable to write anything legible.

Mr. Aalmondstadt started his match report with the following notice which reflected the game kicking off.

He then included this to indicate when Ruben Bover scored for the Cosmos

And he continued his in depth analysis with the following items which indicated the goal scored by Sebastian Guenzatti

Mr Aalmondstadt closed his match report with the following emoji that indicated the New York Cosmos lost the game.

Editors for Mr. Aalmondstadt were reportedly aghast at this new development stating that he had, "sunk to a new low of pandering towards illiterate people with zero social skills and an inability to write anything worth reading."

Reportedly, however, Mr Aalmondstadt was unabashed in his usage of emojis for match reports stating that the, "On fleek dope shiznit was what millennials into phubbing understood as the truth 100 hundo." As well, the erudite Mr Aalmondstadt stated, "Sorry, not sorry #TheStruggleIsReal. STAY WOKE!"

Aalmondstadt reportedly backed out of his editors office while frantically doing the dab and flashing deuces.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the death of the written word continues unabated.

Existential Crisis Strikes Capo Mid Song

Philadelphia, PA - 55 minutes into the recent game against the Vancouver Whitecaps, Sons Of Ben Capo Jim "Bones" Spitzer admitted that he suffered an existential crisis that left him paralyzed and unable to continue the current song on beat.

RAISE YOUR HANDS! RAISE THEM FOR ME! WHO IS LIFTING WHOM! ARE MY ARMS YOURS?

"I thought to myself, 'Why do i have such control over everyone. Do I actually have control, or is it just an illusion?' I was unable to continue singing. I was really unable to continue breathing!" stated Mr Spitzer to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Whatever I say to do, these people will do. Perhaps I need to free their minds so they will think for themselves. I must enable the growth of the mind, the perception must be free! They must see themselves through my own eyes seeing them watching me watching them watching the match!"

Signs of this psychotic break began the week prior when Spitzer was forced to mediate his 400th Facebook discussion between two out of town family members that were arguing whether they would eat at Pat's or Geno's cheese-steaks in Philadelphia.

"I felt a slight mental twinge around the start of the second half of the Whitecaps game and I suddenly had a full disconnection with my corporeal self. Where am I? Who am I? I'm paying all this money to sit and watch people watch a game. What do we gain from all my sacrifice? Does this really help the team win? Does all my time and money spent not watching soccer help improve the game? By not watching, do I love the game more, or do I love the game less and love capoing more? Can a capo be a fan? Am I a fan of the fans who are fans of the capos? Is this a mobious strip of life that turns ever slowly while I'm watching other people watch other people watching other people while watching other people?! MY GOD, DO I EVEN EXIST?!" screamed Mr Spitzer.

It was then that our reporter was forced to show pictures of Spitzer leading the crowd in songs to verify that indeed he did exist and validate that he was indeed a capo.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Mr Spitzer tries to center himself and align his chi with the drum vibrations on the main stand

Soccer Writer's Article Against Long Form Journalism Dovetails Nicely With Anti-Possession Screed

Boston, MA - Soccer writer James Necombe admitted that his new column that details the current hatred of long form soccer stories has dovetailed nicely with an anti-possession screed that allows him to illuminate the changing landscape of both writing and soccer tactics in under 500 words.

"This picture is meant to indicate that the chess game between the elites in management has toppled the ethos of the possession class and returned the belief structure in the entire world back to counter attacking football." - James Necombe

"The death knell of long form journalism has reverberations in the death knell of the possession game world wide," stated Necombe's article that managed to conflate two separate ideals into some kind of high minded word soup. "The prevailing ethos of ultimate control must be corralled by the instincts of the base layers of man. In Hemmingway and Simeone we see masters that both express themselves in direct and purposeful movements of word and soccer."

Reportedly, this intellectual comparison can only be written in under 500 words as Necombe rigorously stays true to his allowed length and his ethos that less is the new mandatory football journalist style.

"Only through short, chopped, illuminating word play can I indicate the horrid efforts of those that try to play possession based soccer and write long form soccer journalism. I finally feel that I am starting to ascended to my final form and can now bring all things together at one time. Eventually the written word will be just that, one written word. I plan on writing a follow up to this piece that contains only 10 words, but those 10 words on soccer will be illuminating, magnificent and will change the world of football as we know it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Necombe's quest to eliminate waste as it happens.

"Oh, He Is Going To Drive, Step Over And Then Go Right," States 85 Year Old Grandmother From Provo

Provo, UT - 85 year old Real Salt Lake Fan Doris Clayborn admitted that even as a tactical novice that she knew what Joao Plata was going to do with the ball during the recent US Open Cup game against the Seattle Sounders.

Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Sports

"Look at him, every time," stated Clayborn as she watched the diminutive Ecuadorian player run down the field with the ball. "He is going to drive, step over, and then go right. Every damn time."

Mrs. Clayborn stated to The Nutmeg News that she only started watching soccer in the past two years and still managed to pick up on Plata's tendency to do nearly the same thing every time he gets the ball while heading towards the box.

"If I was 60 years younger, why... even I could defend that weak shit," stated Mrs Clayborn  in typical hyperbolic fashion as she yelled at the television screen for Real Salt Lake to win the game. "Why on earth does he keep doing the same damn thing!"

While Mrs. Clayborn had some harsh words for Plata during the recent game, she followed her comments up by saying that she liked the spark that Plata offered on the team, but just wished he would actually convert his chances.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mrs. Clayborn writes a 1000 word essay about Plata on her RSL blog.

Rube Spends Morning Actually Voting His Favorite Players To The All-Star Game

Pleasant Valley, MO - Sporting Kansas City fan and complete rube Harmon Unfert admitted that he already spent most of Tuesday morning actually voting his favorite players to the All-Star game.

"Playing more games is a good idea. Especially ones that have no essential meaning other than allowing media members the chance to talk to other media members in a club while dub-step blares in the background."

"I want to see them play the Arsenal team from England," stated Unfert to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I'm always thinking about them and their finances and I'm afraid that the guys who are making 3 times my salary aren't going to hit their bonus quotas for the year."

Reportedly, the fact that Sporting Kansas City are in three competitions this season did nothing to sway the vote of Unfert who stated, "They can always just buy more players."

"I don't see why it's a big deal to vote more of our star players into a meaningless friendly. So what if we are playing an actual league game against the Seattle Sounders 4 days before the All-Star Game. So what if we are playing an actual league game against the Portland Timbers 3 days after the All-Star Game. Trust me, the number one thing we want to do is expose our team to more time running around and more of a chance for them to make money on a meaningless friendly mid-season that allows them to hit their targeted bonus clause. I know that is why I'm in this game, to ensure that our players hit their bonus. It's all about the finances."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Unfert repeatedly votes to cancel out all the "Negative Nellys"

"Actually It's A Really Difficult Job," States Fan Previously Screaming Obscenities At Referee

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Deryk Thompson turned to friend Steven Blazykowski and stated, "Actually it's a really difficult job" just after screaming, "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE, ELFATH!" during the Orlando City game against Toronto FC on the 25th of June.

"ALL IS FORGIVEN AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I HAD AGAINST THE REFEREE!"

Reportedly, Thompson was made unbelievably angry by referee Ismael Elfath regarding a decision made by the referee during the game against Toronto to not award a free kick. This decision was deemed so egregious that Thompson routinely screamed profanities, heard only by the six rows that surround the area where he stands, at Elfath.

"I mean, it's an incredibly tough position to be in and you can't expect a referee to get everything correct," stated Thompson as he attempted to get a chant going of, "FUCK YOU, REF!"

The Nutmeg News interviewed friend Anita West about Mr. Thompson's outbursts and she stated the following, "Well, Deryk is always tough but fair. He yells belligerently at the people around him about the referee, but he also admits that it is a tough job to perform. We all feel that his gentle asides about the referee excuses his verbal assault on him at maximum decibel levels."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Thompson prepares for another week in the dichotomy of being a sensible and infuriatingly avid fan.

Fan Hospitalized After Attempt To Drink Til Team Looks Good

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Jeremy Wilson admitted that his attempt to drink until the Sounders looked good did not go well as he was hospitalized after consuming too many alcoholic beverages during the Sounders recent 2-0 loss to New York City FC.

He needs three points! Can anyone find three points in this hospital! SOMEONE FIND THREE POINTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

"Did they win?" asked Mr Wilson as he woke up in the emergency room of Northwest Hospital. "I don't remember anything after minute 55."

Reportedly, Mr Wilson attempted this new technique to blunt the effects of watching the Sounders frenetically faff their way around the midfield in the futile attempt at the act of scoring a goal.

"I thought, well... if I'm going to have to watch this, then I might as well drink until it looks good," stated Wilson to The Nutmeg News. "It turns out that it worked for about 5 minutes as I tried to carefully balance the too drunk and the not drunk enough fugue states and then I don't really know what happened."

Wilson was pulled from the Emerald City Supporters section in Century Link field as he attempted to drink a bottle of sunscreen while shouting, "I AM OBAFEMI MARTINS! PUT ME IN THE GAME!" Mr. Wilson was also purportedly stripping his shirt, shorts, and shoes off as he belligerently sang the wrong lyrics at the wrong time to "Roll On Columbia"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson considers whether it was the quantity or perhaps the quality of the beer that caused the Sounders to lose.

Intervention Staged For Woman Binge Watching Soccer

NEW YORK - "We just want you to know, that we care for you and we love you and we miss you," stated the friends and family of 29 year old Carla Rast of the Bed-Stuy neighborhood in Brooklyn.

"This is because we love you and we are concerned and you haven't been by the bar recently. Have you tried drinking? That's a more socially acceptable habit."

Ms. Rast admitted that she has been binge watching the Copa America, Euro 2016, NWSL, MLS, and US Open Cup from her couch for the past month but claimed that it wasn't an addiction as her family finally staged an intervention to keep her from slipping further down the rabbit hole of feckless debauchery.

"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE KILLING YOUR FATHER?!" stated Paula Rast, "You can't just lie here watching soccer for a month! You have a job, you have bills, you need to leave the couch and this apartment and start living again!"

"Your nephew just wants to see your face again," stated sister Denise to Ms. Rast as she mindlessly clicked on a replay of the recent Western New York Flash v Boston Breakers game on YouTube. 

"MY GOD, CARLA, can't you go five minutes without a FIX!" stated brother Brian as he stormed out of the room.

Reportedly, Ms Rast stated that she is going to give up the habit, just as soon as the Euro's are over and the US Open Cup next round is finished.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Rast relapses and ends up in rehab when the Olympic soccer tournament starts.

Disheveled David Beckham Emerges From Brexit Coma By Panhandling On Side Of Miami Thoroughfare

Miami, FL - A disheveled David Beckham has emerged from a Brexit coma after being spotted panhandling on the side of a Miami thoroughfare for the cash to build a stadium for his nascent MLS side.

"Money for a stadium... money for a stadium...."

Beckham attempted multiple different methods to get a stadium built in the Miami area for his MLS franchise, but the new devaluation of the British pound combined with the business instability there have cause even more problems with the fortunes of the non-existent MLS to Miami product.

"Please, anyone with a spare million who can help. Anyone with land who is willing to donate, I'm willing to bend kicks in from a corner or you can have your wife meet my wife. Anything that will help," stated Beckham as people walking by attempted to avoid eye contact.

"Someone, dear god... I'm trying to avoid Broward County, here. Please, no Pounds.... I need currency, I'll take Euro's, gold, Dollars, someone for the love of god give me a clear roadmap to a stadium so that I can start building something," stated Beckham as a man walking an English Bulldog offered him an Egg McMuffin and a half empty coffee to tide him over.

The Nutmeg News will have more on MLS to Miami as it happens.

"I Still See United States Mutant Ninja Turtles," States Boston Man

Boston, MA - Dan Bletchly, a sports fan and every-four-years soccer fan, admitted that he still reads the United States Men's National Team acronym of USMNT to read United States Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Honestly, people, the shit you can find on the internet. 

"Yeah, I still see United States Mutant Ninja Turtles," stated Bletchly to The Nutmeg News on Friday morning. "I can't help myself. I think the acronym is stupid, and all I can do is imagine Donatello having a chance on goal."

Reportedly, Mr. Bletchly has admitted to giggling every time he reads a newspaper report of the USMNT due to his predilection for seeing Mutant Ninja Turtles. He has also gone so far as to construct a lineup of the best usage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the midfield.

"It's gotta be Michelangelo at regista. Um... that's it right?" stated Mr Bletchly as he pulled out a copy of Inverting the Pyramid from his backpack. "Yeah, that's it. Anyway, I think that we all know Rafael is a sweeper or a center-half. Either way, it's still the only way I read USMNT and I can't make myself stop."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Bletchly's heroes in the half shell play on Sunday.

North American Journalist Rushes To Turn Out "What Brexit Means For MLS" Column

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist Dave Edinger admitted that he woke up early, today, and quickly put the finishing touches on a rush job piece regarding what the referendum of the United Kingdom to leave the European Union means for Major League Soccer.

HURRY! SOMEONE is going to beat us to the punch! DEADLINES, DAVE!

"This kind of decision is going to have a major impact on the way in which we talk about our own league," stated Edinger to himself as he fetched another cup of coffee. "At the very least it is a new take, and a new thing to talk about. With the All-Star Game coming up and the United States out of the Copa America we need something else that we can utilize to grab air time."

Reportedly, the column is very rushed and filled with theoretical ideas and half-baked assumptions on what exactly this thing means for the United States and Canada from the perspective of a domestic soccer league.

"Facts are only important if you are actually trying to win over nerds," stated Mr Edinger. "What we need these days is speed. Speed is of the essence. Being right is something we can craft later in the year, if it is really necessary at all. It's all about speed."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edinger debates between, "Brexit to Brek Shea" or "Brexit by Beckham" for the column title.

Man In Supporters Group Can't Remember The Last Time He Talked About Soccer

NEW YORK - Dwayne Gregory, member of the Third Rail, admitted that he couldn't remember the last time he actually had a real in-depth conversation about soccer, as the all consuming drama of being in a supporters group swirled about his head at all times.

"WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?" 

To argue amongst ourselves as to whether or not another supporters group is starting fights in the stadium!

"Between the fights, the USOC atmosphere, the chants, the people leaving for one group and then coming back, the neo-nazi idiots that pop up once every six months, the cops, the stadium edicts, the security lines, the arguments about T.I.F.O, the arguments about smoke, the arguments about flares, the arguments about language, the arguments about people arguing on reddit about stopping people from fighting, the people talking shit against other groups, the people who are jerks in other groups who give those groups bad names that enable other people to talk shit, the people who are against the other people being against a small minority of fans acting like dicks..... It is just absolutely exhausting."

Reportedly, Gregory realized all of his time was being consumed with petty supporters group business and interpersonal relationships in the stands rather than the play on the field, which was the real reason he signed up for season tickets in the first place.

"Admittedly, NYCFC haven't been great recently, and winning fixes everything. But, honestly... I just wish some of my fellow fan would shut the hell up for 30 minutes and watch the game. I mean. That IS why we are all here, right? Too watch a game of soccer? For the love of all that is holy, stop fighting, stop arguing, stop being jerks, stop singing, stop everything and just watch the game so I can talk to someone about whether Lampard is finally showing up and Villa's amazing work rate."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an internet fight breaks out over Mr. Gregory's dedication to the game as fans accuse him of not supporting the supporters group.

With Many Variables At Play, Sounders Fan Decides To Blame Sigi Schmid

Seattle, WA - With many variables at play regarding how the season has gone for the Seattle Sounders, fan Oscar Davids admitted that after not much thought at all he has decided to blame head coach Sigi Schmid for all the faults of the team this season.

Photo: Associated Press

"It's only natural," stated Davids to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "It's Sigi's fault and I will brook no other conversation regarding the matter."

Reportedly, after deciding this as the cause of all problems with the Sounders in 2016, Davids took to the Internet to loudly proclaim that the issue is Schmid.

"This is the kind of tough talk that we aren't used to in Seattle," began Davids on his multi-part tweet designed to castigate the head coach for 2016. "But I'm going to say what you must know, what you don't know, and what you should know."

Fans of the Seattle Sounders were reportedly agog at this new information that many hadn't even begun to consider.

"Schmid? SCHMID? I hadn't even thought about that. What a novel and new approach to understanding the difficulties of 2016," stated Paul Westerbrook of Enumclaw. 

"Wow, Sigi. Wow. I just. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, this is just all unknown information. Completely unknown. Unlike all the other reasons this one hasn't been beaten to death. This all makes SENSE! HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THIS THEORY BEFORE," stated Linda Evans of Tacoma.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Davids spreads his theory to the blogs.

Pundit's Week Long Metamorphosis Into Whinging Gasbag Finally Complete

Dallas, TX - Tom Sanderson, soccer talking head and frequent pundit on the United States Men's Team, finally completed his week long metamorphosis into a whinging gasbag after the United States lost to Argentina last night in the Copa America.

Like this, but aimed at a twitter keyboard.

Reportedly, Mr Sanderson's twitter feed turned into nothing but hot takes on the current loss to the best player in the world on one of the best teams in the world.

"KLINSMANN IS TO BLAME FOR PLAYER CHOICES" 

was followed up with

"THE TEAM CAN'T COPE WITH THE SETUP, THEIR LEVEL OF RESPECT SHOWS A DIRECT LACK OF RESPECT FOR THEIR HEAD COACH"

before his twitter feed devolved into nothing but poop emojis, conspiracy theories about the head coach and Sunil Gulati, and attempted tactical changes should be used that Sanderson recently attempted on FIFA 2015.

"WE MUST ALL STOP THE MENACE OF CREEPING MEDIOCRITY" stated Mr Sanderson as his ability to type anything but all-caps for his twitter feed slowly faded.

Reportedly, friends were concerned when Sanderson became obsessed with Klinsmann and the United States over the past few years, but it wasn't until he couldn't even have a normal conversation without inserting his dislike for the head coach that they knew he was having a problem.

"I just stopped talking to him about soccer, but now his anger seems to surface in any conversation. I just asked how he was doing, this morning," stated Sandra Dumont.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Sanderson's twitter feed takes a small break from hot takes between 11:30 and 11:35 as he forces down a scone from Starbucks before starting back in on Klinsmann enablers.

Alamo Remembered As United States Loses

Houston, TX - The United States Men's team announced that they Remembered the Alamo as they were ritualistically taken apart by Argentina in a fashion that called to mind the plucky band of Republic of Texas fighters that lost the battle against Santa Ana and Mexico in 1836.

Geoff Cameron stated that he would like The Nutmeg News to (in his words), "remind you sheeple about the Benghazi conspiracy."

"This was our best effort to recreate the eventual total capitulation of the defenders of the Alamo as we totally capitualted in this game after holding out for roughly three minutes," stated defender Geoff Cameron. "We felt that we gave it the old college try and accurately portrayed the difficult odds that were against the Texans, at that time, as we allowed Lionel Messi to slalom through our defence with the vibrancy of an exacto knife through melted butter."

Reportedly, many of the United States players stated that they thought long and hard about the odds that faced the brave men and racist slave holders that encompassed the Alamo defense as Chris Wondolowski stated, "Wouldn't it be great if we could hold out for some time before sickness, a lack of formidable defense, and an inability to overcome overwhelming odds takes its toll on our ranks and we capitulate completely?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lionel Messi finds a way to score another goal after the game is over.