Sacramento Republic Fans Blissfully Unaware Of How Good They Have It

Sacramento, CA - Despite a public bid to be added to Major League Soccer (MLS), Sacramento Republic fans continue to be blissfully unaware of how good they have it according to leading MLS sociologists and psychiatrists.

MLS Sociologist Randy Brandice explains, "Republic fans are currently in the yearning phase, but they aren't aware of how great things really are. Republic are owned only by their independent ownership, they don't have completely arcane rules that dictate which players go where, they aren't operating under the possibility of a labor strike, and they aren't subservient to the dominant interests of the billionaires in charge of Toronto, Los Angeles, and Seattle."

Ms. Brandice continued, "In reality, Sacramento Republic are in the best possible situation available as they have a strong growing fan base, a relevant brand, and the ability to be a figurative 'big fish in a small pond'. Republic fans should enjoy the freedom that their club currently has because if they move to MLS their club freedom will be severely curtailed."

TNN traveled to little Bavaria in Frankenmuth, Michigan to speak to leading Major League Soccer fan psychiatrist Elroy Harmweiser about the current state of the Republic fan. "They are in the honeymoon phase with their team. They know their owners, they know their players, they know the restrictions and what they can get away with in the stands. However, the other lover syndrome of Major League Soccer is a siren call of depravity. A move, for the fan, means cowering to the MLS Fan Conduct Code and the control of Major League Soccer. The modern Republic fan will not understand that until they move to MLS and then it will be too late."

TNN then spoke with Sacramento native Walter Findley, "We want Major League Soccer, and we want the exposure of the league. However, I'm not sure that fans know what moving to MLS entails. We will give up our brand, reformat our logo and badge, and our team will be subservient to the general interests of the league. Having said that though, we would be on a national cable network playing against Kaka... how cool would that be! Plus, who doesn't love blind draws, hidden allocation orders, useless drafts, hidden allocation money, and currying favor with the league front office by allowing players to go to your competition in order to get the All Star Game in 3 years"

The Nutmeg News will continue covering Sacramento's bid for Major League Soccer as it happens.

Bloggers Confident That 2015 Is Their Teams Season

Denver, CO - Colorado Rapids blogger Rick Samuelson is feeling confident about the upcoming 2015 season after the Rapids 2-0 win over professional soccer powerhouse the University of Nevada Las Vegas. 

Mr Samuelson said, "I was kinda down on the Rapids after last seasons frustrating end but the 2-0 win over UNLV has me rolling on a high that cannot be explained. I wrote over two thousand words on the positioning of our hybrid wingback centerback experiment and I'm firmly convinced that the Rapids will have the mettle to win MLS Cup after this win. While I didn't actually watch the match online, I wasn't there in person, and the teams featured tons of players that will never actually play a minute in Major League Soccer, I found that I was able to extrapolate the real meaning of the season from the idea of a 2-0 win over UNLV."

As a counterpoint, TNN spoke with blogger David Kipperson from Victoria BC about the Whitecaps pre-season, "I don't know what Rick is on about but he clearly didn't see all the signs from the Whitecaps dominant performance over the University of Victoria where they won 6-0. 6-0 is clearly 4 goals higher than 2-0 and so I can clearly extrapolate that into the fact that the Whitecaps are going to win MLS Cup and crush all the opposition teams in Major League Soccer. We have already decorated a themed victory float with the help of the Rain City Brigade's denim jackets."

The positive feelings about the season didn't stop in Vancouver as TNN traveled to New England where the  Revolution fan base is still agape after a strong MLS Cup run from 2014. "This... THIS is our year" said Revolution blogger Carla Jacobs. We were close last season and we already beat Real Salt Lake 2-1 in the pre-season which by transitive properties means that we would be very VERY competitive in the western conference and we all are planning on celebrating the 2015 MLS Cup Championship in a Patriots and Red Sox themed sports bar in Boston."

The positive feelings carried on down the road in Orlando where local blogger Simon Darbin has his hands full, "Kaka? KAKA BRO! We are going to own the league this year. Did you see that nutmeg? Nutgmegs ALL DAMN DAY. Totally going to win it all. Everything. CONCACAF. UEFA. Everything."

TNN also spoke to Ramiro Polance in Dallas about his teams chances in 2015, "I totally think this is the year. We have the talent, the coach, the team and our drum line is very very solid. I mean everyone knows that we are so good that they are talking us down this season."

And finally, TNN also spoke to Steve Linamen, a local Queens blogger for Red Bull New York, "No Henry, No Alexander, No Petke, we are so fucking screwed."

Alex Morgan Tweet Sparks Sales Frenzy

LOS ANGELES - Moments after a tweet from United States international player Alex Morgan, the company of Massengill reported a sales frenzy on their feminine health line of products.

"When Alex Morgan tweets, the world listens; and today the world was clearly ready for a line of Alex Morgan branded douches" said Massengill representative Lauri French. "We approached Alex a few months ago with the idea of a douche that could represent both the rigors of the soccer world and the glamorous lifestyle that Alex lives. We think of our douche an approachable douche and we want it to be both practical and glamorous. We brought the idea of changing the applicator to a soccer ball so that when the product was expended it would look like the ball was being deflated. Then it was all just a matter of having Alex tweet out her stamp of approval and it started a sales frenzy!"

According to sales statistics, Morgan's tweet has sent out a shock wave in the world of feminine hygiene as the purchases of the Alex Morgan Douche product are not confined to just women. Men seem to be an infrequent purchaser of the product as well. Sales reports show that even though the overall percentage of men purchasing products from the Alex Morgan Douche line were low that there are still millions of men out there that want to purchase Alex Morgan Douche. 

"It's a sales first. With Alex's help we have conquered a market long thought to be unreachable for feminine hygiene. However, our market still remains the unflinching and ravenous group of fan-girls and women that devour each one of Morgan's moves with nearly terminal intensity. We feel that with Alex's help we can really help bring the douche back to the forefront." 

Massengill has also announced the sale of "Alex Morgan Douche" branded t-shirts and scarves, available very soon online.
 

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-9-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 9th, 2015.

In response to "Will you buy Don Garber's book 'Erotically Garber'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 38% of the vote, the majority of you said 

Is there a full page spread with Clint Dempsey?

Only 8% of you already pre-ordered the box set of the DVD with Don Garber performing an erotic strip tease to the "Itty Bitty Spider Crawled Up The Water Spout"

The new The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week is forthcoming.

Red Bull New York To Create Pre-Season Tournament Trophy

Harrison, NJ - In light of the Gunslinger Armadillo trophy awarded during the Austin Aztex's Pro Challenge Tournament, Red Bull New York has decided to create a trophy and tournament for the 2016 season.

Red Bull will invite other corporate owned and sponsored teams including Red Bull Leipzig, FC Red Bull Salzburg, Red Bull Brasil, Red Bull Ghana, EC Red Bull Salzburg (Hockey), and Infiniti Red Bull Racing (Formula 1) to play in a 4 week, winner take all pre-season soccer, hockey and driving tournament where the winner is awarded a replica, full scale sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.

TNN spoke with Dieter Stuben, Red Bull's chief public relations liaison, in Austria about this trophy and he had the following to say, "Red Bull thought that there was no better illustration of Western New York City than the Toxic Avenger. As you know, the Avenger was a janitor in Tromaville New Jersey which I have been informed is just a few miles away from Harrison New York City, where we play."

The Toxic Avenger will be carrying an American flag with a disfigured soccer ball below his foot, will be 7 and a half feet tall and will be clothed in a way to avoid any color coordination with the New York/New Jersey Metrostars, a team that Red Bull aren't entirely sure ever really existed.

The tournament will be sponsored by Red Bull with all the proceeds going to Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires. Red Bull's Charity For Billionaires aims to help struggling billionaires that have fallen on hard times due to recent economic situations get back on their feet to find happiness and their missing billion in the bank ledger.

American Outlaws Surprised To Find Soccer League In North America

Cincinnati, OH - On the heels of the 2014 World Cup run, US Men’s National Team fans known as the American Outlaws were stunned to find that a soccer league had sprung up in their backyard.

“I was shocked, absolutely shocked,” says Peter Wendowski, a long time American Outlaw member since 2013, “Here I was thinking that the only soccer I was going to get until the next World Cup three years from now was Real Madrid vs Barcelona and my kids U-12 games. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was an entire soccer league in my own country and there was even one of those teams in my own state.”

Peter went on to discuss the benefits of this new discovery. “Well, it’s great because it gives my kid something to look forward to, you know? Now that there’s more than just eleven soccer players in America he can now dream of one day playing for Columbus FC or whatever it’s called.”

When asked about his opinion on the renaming of the USL Pro soccer league to simply USL he replied, “There’s more than one league? You’re shitting me.”

MLS Players Excited About Potential Financial Windfall Of Strike

New York, NY - Rank and file Major League Soccer players today expressed their excitement at a potential players strike in light of the current impasse between labor and management and the problems with the ratification of a new collective bargaining agreement.

David Lopes a midfielder for the Colorado Rapids in 2014, was paid a reported $36,504. Sources say that Mr Lopes is considering making a bit more money with better health insurance in 2015 by working for Whole Foods whose average yearly salary is $39, 289. Mr. Lopes had this to say, “The potential strike presents an opportunity for me because it allows me to finally have a decision about which franchise I will join.With Major League Soccer, I play wherever the league tells me I play, but with Whole Foods I can work at the Tiffany Plaza location, the Glendale location, or even the location in Cherry Creek!”

TNN was able to speak with FC Dallas defender Stephen Appleby who was also on the Major League Soccer salary of $36,504 and asked him about the possibility of a player strike. “I, personally, am very excited as this gives me the opportunity to finally make a good living with the possibility of a long career without the possibility of debilitating head injuries later in life for at least $3,000 dollars more per year than I make now just to work at a grocery store. Look, we need free agency, balanced wages, and options to direct our own career. We also need to keep getting paid because I’m a couple months behind on rent and I’m tired of taking food from the training facilities to eat for dinner at home.”

A recent survey of players on league contracts below $50,000 per year shows that at least half of those professional players think about leaving Major League Soccer to go back to school and get a degree in Eastern Scandinavian Literature and Finnish Erotica as it offers a more competitive salary base with the possibility of tenure, something that doesn't exist in professional soccer.

Mr Appleby went on to say, “I was once traded from Columbus Crew to Red Bull New York without having my contract renegotiated. I was truly fortunate as my girlfriend, at the time, thought she was pregnant but it ended up being a false alarm. Neither of us could imagine raising a family on 36k in the Newark area, and we broke up after I found her trying to get Thierry Henry’s autograph on a personal bank check of his while in the steam room.”

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover the ongoing issues with the Major League Soccer collective bargaining agreement as they happen.

Toronto Football Club announces two new mascots

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) have announced today that they will create two new mascots for the 2015 season. The Toronto press release is below.

“We know that our most loyal Toronto Fans have been expressing their desire for us to promote and expand family friendly offerings at BMO Field. To that extent Toronto FC is proud to welcome two new mascots to the Toronto football family: Argo the Bear, sponsored by Bank of Montreal, and Freddy the Flare, sponsored by Kokanee Beer.

Argo was created by our design team to capture the admiration of kids and parents alike with his lighthearted antics. Freddy’s role on game day is to run around and try to stir up trouble or embarrass Argo.

Our plan is to have Freddy antagonize Argo before the start of the game but eventually get captured by Argo and security and put in a cage just before the teams make their way out onto the field. During the game Argo will wander around greeting guests, giving hugs, and of course starting stadium wide waves. Freddy will escape during halftime at which point Argo has to work out a way of putting him back before the game starts again. Generally this will result from Freddy stumbling around and inevitably falling over as this always gets laughs from kids and their parents.

We will also use their interplay as a way of helping to encourage knowledge about the soccer culture we have been working so hard to develop. Argo will have a comically large TFC Supporters Code poster that he will run around and beat Freddy with whenever Freddy starts stirring up too much trouble for Argo.

We know that by introducing these mascots we will help the next generation of TFC supporters to not only enjoy the games as children but grow up a with a firm understanding of what it means to be a true supporter and how to impart that passion upon their children.

Don Garber To Push For U.S. Annexation Of Three Canadian Provinces

New York, NY - According to a press release from Major League Soccer (MLS), the Commissioner of MLS, Don Garber, will push for the annexation of Ontario, Quebec and British Columbia into the United States.

Sources indicated that Mr. Garber and his associates have long held on to the age-old animosity that exists between New Yorkers and Canadians. This was visibly evident during the MLS All Star Game when Major League Soccer proudly displayed the United States flag on the jumbotron and wrap around ad-boards as payback for the war of 1812.

Privately, The Nutmeg News was able to verify that Mr. Garber is terrified of Canadian Mounties, Moose, and Dave Foley.

We contacted Major League Soccer to verify the press release and they had this statement available, “The 20 teams for Major League Soccer exist within one league, Major League Soccer, and we would like them to also exist within one country, the United States of America. Our ability to be able to market jingoistic scarves, news articles, and country paraphernalia is severely limited if we have teams in multiple countries. The Commissioner is simply attempting to rectify this improper fiduciary situation by making all the fans in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal, United States Men’s Team fans by annexing them as new states with the United States Of America. We at MLS headquarters like to imagine the joy that a Quebecois will feel when they finally are able to root for Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore like a proper soccer fan.”

TNN will monitor this push for statehood as it continues.

Sporting Kansas City To Launch Fragrance Line

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City have announced that they will develop and sell a cologne and perfume that represents the Sporting brand.

The cologne will be made with the odor of brisket, a small amount of reprocessed hops from a Boulevard Brewing lager and the pure concentrated essence of Jimmy Nielsen’s sweat. The sweat was collected from the grass after the Sporting Kansas City victory in the 2013 Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup.

Jill Granderson, a senior vice president for Sporting KC, spoke about the new Sporting fragrance division to TNN. “Sporting Kansas City wants to vertically integrate all the departments that we have with our flagship soccer team. The new Sporting Fragrance line will allow us to combine the efforts of our players, local Kansas City businesses, as well as fragrant herbs and essential oils. We will have cologne with the sweat of Jimmy Nielsen, Roger Espinoza and Dom Dwyer. The Dwyer cologne will have a liberal splash of HP Sauce to give a British aroma to the scent.”

Sporting Kansas City Fragrance, Parfum de Sport-ing, will be on sale at Sporting Park during the opening week Major League Soccer festivities.

Europe is Better: A Comprehensive Look At Front Running

This article is submitted by one of our local contributors, Ryan Jones. Ryan is a 43 year old tax accountant from Des Moines, IA. The views of Mr. Jones do not reflect those of The Nutmeg News

Hey, you there! Why do you support a team that sucks?

The Des Moines Menace? Sucks.

The Premier Development League? Sucks.

The United Soccer League? Sucks.

The so-called “Major League Soccer”? Sucks

None of those Major League Soccer teams are gonna win the Champions League any time soon, I’m telling you.

So how do you support a team that doesn’t suck? You pick from the top. You pick winners. You don’t need to suffer quietly and watch a bunch of American kids kicking around a ball in the mid-west. Life is about winners.

Hey, look. I got a boss that hates me, a wife that has been begging for divorce, do you really think i want to get behind a team that loses?

Do you know what it is like to have to come home and do math for 6th graders? It sucks.

No. I pick a winner because i want to feel good about myself. Is that so wrong?

So look, this is how we pick a team.

I used to be a big Manchester United fan, but recently they suck. Don’t pick Manchester United.

My dad always said people should pull for Liverpool but one trophy that means something in 10 years equals, you guessed it, they suck.

Friends would say, “Why don’t you pick a team from Germany?” They say this because they know that my favorite international team is the German national team. I’m even 1/36th german on my mother’s second cousin from marriage side.

But let me tell you a little secret, they suck.

For me, right now, life is all about Real Madrid. They are winners. They win all the time. They won the UEFA Champions League, which is about as big as you could possibly get because the Champions League is only for winner which is why you won’t find any teams from MLS there.

Look, life is about winning, about finding that winning trend and getting ahead of it so that you are a winner by association. I can tell you that the easiest way to do this is to buy the kit of every winning team from Europe (except for Italy, because they suck) and then being a loud and proud fan when your winning team wins. I’ve got on my Cristiano Ronaldo Madrid kit right now and I’m ready for a 2016 season when Real Madrid never loses in the league and wins every single trophy that has ever existed including the stupid so called Major League Soccer championship.

Portland Timbers to install metal detectors at Providence Park

Portland, OR - A massive surge of fan-on-fan civility at Providence Park has left the Portland Timbers no other choice than to install metal detectors at all stadium entrances.

"At every game we were seeing the same scenario: people celebrating, hugging each other and enjoying themselves. It was a tinderbox ready to explode,” said head of security Steven Gedion. “We decided that we needed to get in front of this potentially volatile situation and detain everyone at the gates to identify knee replacements, Altoids tins, keys, and makeup compacts before these people engender more love and civility between themselves.”

With a fan conduct code mandated by the head of Major League Soccer security, the Timbers found themselves in a difficult situation.

"We didn't have enough fan on fan violence to justify installing the metal detectors, but we were determined to not let that stop us.” said Gedion.

“We have successfully made a safe place safer and in addition are able to impart upon everyone a mixed sense of security and violation that helps to bring down free-spirited fun-seekers to a more manageable level by demonstrating that we have ultimate non-negotiable authority. We hope that all fans will support us by doing their part to help create an increasingly safer environment at Providence Park and work to reduce insurance liability costs for the owners.”

USOC revises tournament rules to allow match-ups to be picked by a blind, feces throwing, bonobo monkey.

CHICAGO - Officials with the US Soccer Federation confirmed, today, that they would be changing the methodology by which the US Open Cup match-ups are selected. Ronald Durif, the spokesman for the US Open Cup with US Soccer, had the following to say.

“We felt it was in our best interest to find a way to ramp up the spectator involvement with the US Open Cup. Given that we needed more publicity, we decided to turn over our matchmaking from an intern with a bingo wheel to a blind, feces throwing, bonobo monkey named Claudius. He will be fed a diet of prunes and fiber right before the selection period and will throw his feces at a chalkboard with the names of the different teams entered to pair them together. We are hoping that this will produce an entertaining and fair mosaic of teams in the United States.”

Durif also went on to say that Claudius would have his own t-shirt and blog, and that the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) would be live streaming the event on UStream if a kickstarter to raise funds for the US Open Cup came through with enough money to justify the purchase of a Galaxy S4 with which the federation planned to livestream.

“You wouldn't believe the interest we have had with this new project internally, and we think that a feces throwing monkey is the new way forward for match picking. All hail Claudius!” said Mr Durif.

The ASPCA could not be reached for comment.

Klinsmann Fires Back At Critics

BERLIN - Jurgen Klinsmann, the coach of the United States National Team, released a torrid criticism of the people who are criticizing him for releasing critical comments about the press who were criticizing Klinsmann for criticizing his players.

"At some point the United States will learn how to analyze on the fifth plane of meta-analysis" said the coach addressing a gathered mob of irate Twitter users stationed outside his winter home in the highlands of Berlin.

"I spend every morning being critical of myself for being critical of myself about being critical of my players not be critical enough about their careers. The least I can expect is that Brek Shea show up in shape to do the same."

TNN had a correspondent onsite and asked irate Twitter user Geoff Rampin his opinion about the situation. "Klinsmann ain't got no right to be up in their grills! He doesn't even play no more!" said the blogger also known by his twitter handle @smokinbluntz69usmnt

TNN will cover this situation as it develops.

Chivas USA making big moves

Los Angeles, CA - Citing a downturn in their current economic model with Major League Soccer, the collected group of spare parts left over from Chivas USA have decided to move away from MLS and join with the United Soccer League (USL). 

Virginia Abernathy, a spokeswoman from Chivas USA, commented on the new move. "We feel that moving from the MLS to the USL gives our club a chance to succeed and stand out among the other clubs and also create a system where our players can develop their skills and perhaps find a place in the USL."

While acknowledging that there has been a  precipitous decline in player numbers for the team, Ms. Abernathy said that Chivas USA would hold try outs in the Los Angeles area, provided that the applicants speak Spanish, English, Esperanto and a form of Kuridsh spoken in the west part of a province outside Tehran. 

"These players will be given a chance to carry on the great legacy that Jorge Vergara left us with right before the team completely imploded into nothingness" said Ms. Abernathy.

Nutmeg News was unable to gather a comment from a USL representative. 

Soccer Fans Demand Net Neutrality

Cincinnati, OH - First Row Sports (FirstRowSports.eu), a website that provides pirate streams of soccer games from around the world, is being shown the red card from soccer fans demanding that they be forced into following Net Neutrality guidelines.

There's not nearly enough porn apps and pop ups.

"It's not fair," says David Rogers a Cincinnati resident, "I cut the cable because the cost of cable packages were just getting outrageous.  I found that I, as a soccer supporter, could just pirate whatever I wanted for free on the internet to fight back against the egregious costs but now FirstRowSports is the only site that is getting linked for my streams and they are clearly manipulating my bandwidth throughput and stream quality."

He continued, "It used to be you could find some guy putting out full HD streams but now all we get are these crummy 240p videos from FirstRowSports. I just don't have any options. I bet FirstRowSports sends DCMA takedown notices to all the other sites to ensure they're the only ones streaming the games."

When asked what he plans to do if the Net Neutrality push doesn't work he replied: "I'm going to enable Ad-Block on all those sites to really hit them in their pocketbooks. I'm not-not paying good money for nothing."

Portland Timbers to add free-range chicken roaster to concourse

Portland, OR - Citing a new loophole in the city statues that allow the maintenance of an urban farm in Goose Hollow, the area of Portland that is home to Providence Park, the Portland Timbers announced that they would include a free-range chicken roaster for the Key Bank Club stands.

Chip Fletcher is the head chef for Providence Park. "The chickens will be treated with care exceeding all current poultry care requirements. They will be fed organic corn harvested from the highlands of Beaverton, Oregon. Each chicken will be given an eclectic name from de Maupassant French Short Stories and will also be read bed time stories from an appropriate collection of fan donated material."

On the day of an event they will be draped in miniature Timbers scarves and then ritualistically slaughtered by Timber Joey just before the event begins.

Fletcher continued, "The chickens will be available in both sandwich and strip varietals and a donation will be made to the Serengeti Conservation Society with each purchase."

Advocates of Promotion and Relegation eliminate the option from Premier League fantasy league

Richmond, VA - "It all started out as fun", said David Stephenson "but then we realized the problem."

With a record 40 members of the Richmond Premier League Fantasy club signed up for 2013, David Stephenson and Robert Jones made the decision to implement promotion and relegation to their fantasy league.

Within a few weeks the effects of this change was startling, "We started out as a cohesive group of 40, but the 20 people who were instantly demoted to our Championship League Only fantasy league couldn't keep track of the players they were picking. They seemed to auto select players at random and half the group pulled out. It turned into a giant shit sandwich".

The effects of the Promotion and Relegation implementation spanned more than just player acquisition issues. It created an issue with the finances of the league.

"We had all of the player buy into the league at $50 but after 20 of the players were relegated, they wanted a cheaper option to buy into the league in the second year. We had to create a balloon payment system out of the winnings of the other players to cover the costs that the relegated players didn't want to pay" said Robert Jones, executive vice president of the league. " At some point, the players who finished just out of the relegation zone were upset that the players who did worse than they did got a bigger benefit, so they all started to compete against each other to try to get relegated."

Jones and Stephenson have stated that they want implement the option in future leagues, but if they do so they will make sure that the players sign a waiver stating that they "will not complain, even if Jerry wins again like he does every season and Tommy picks all the players that he remembers from the Leeds United teams from the 1970s"