New York, NY - According to a press release from Major League Soccer (MLS), the Commissioner of MLS, Don Garber, will push for the annexation of Ontario, Quebec and British Columbia into the United States.
Sources indicated that Mr. Garber and his associates have long held on to the age-old animosity that exists between New Yorkers and Canadians. This was visibly evident during the MLS All Star Game when Major League Soccer proudly displayed the United States flag on the jumbotron and wrap around ad-boards as payback for the war of 1812.
Privately, The Nutmeg News was able to verify that Mr. Garber is terrified of Canadian Mounties, Moose, and Dave Foley.
We contacted Major League Soccer to verify the press release and they had this statement available, “The 20 teams for Major League Soccer exist within one league, Major League Soccer, and we would like them to also exist within one country, the United States of America. Our ability to be able to market jingoistic scarves, news articles, and country paraphernalia is severely limited if we have teams in multiple countries. The Commissioner is simply attempting to rectify this improper fiduciary situation by making all the fans in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal, United States Men’s Team fans by annexing them as new states with the United States Of America. We at MLS headquarters like to imagine the joy that a Quebecois will feel when they finally are able to root for Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore like a proper soccer fan.”
TNN will monitor this push for statehood as it continues.