Local Newspaper Sports Writer Almost Considers Writing Article About Soccer Team

Minneapolis, MN - Local sports writer Andy Brusard was apparently so bored on Wednesday that he considered writing an article about the upcoming Minnesota United playoff game before deciding to file a short story about the 1991 season of Kent Hrbek.

“Hrbek played 132 games that season,” stated Brusard to no one in particular. “I’m not about to spend most of my day trying to learn about a sport that I regularly shit upon for the last 20 years before it became locally popular without me realizing it.”

Fans of Minnesota United say that it’s not that surprising as Brusard’s paper has religiously ignored soccer in the local area for more popular sports like Basketball, Baseball, Football, and the Minnesota High School Mock Trial State Tournament.

“Yeah, I just stopped looking,” stated Minnesota United fan Jeremy Williams. “It’s probably cyclical but if I know they aren’t going to give a shit about our team, then why would I go to that paper in the first place.”

For his part, Brusard was adament that no one cares about soccer as he stated, “We are talking Chili Davis and Kirby Puckett, here. Not any of those odd sounding names in soccer. Everyone knows that no one cares, anyway.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brusard writes a condescending preview of the game after being ordered to do so by his editor and immediately cleanses himself by watching old videos of Kevin Tapani.

Nerf Informs Christian Pulisic They Have Nothing To Do With The 2nd Amendment

LONDON - Nerf, the world leader in foam-based weaponry, reportedly reached out to Chelsea player Christian Pulisic to let him know that they have nothing to do with the United States 2nd Amendment after the player posed with Nerf weaponry tagging the photo, “Stand up for your rights.”

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. BARE ARMS. BAIR ARMS.

“We asked the Chelsea team if they wanted to take a picture with some of our new Ultra One Motorized Blaster with High Capacity Drum,” stated Nerf representative Dale Henry. “Christian Pulisic replied to the email in 3 seconds with long winded email about restrictive gun rights in the UK and his desire to take care of any possible feral hog problem that might pop up in the Chelsea neighborhood. It was very unsettling, I don’t think he knew who we are.”

For his part Pulisic stated that he wasn’t confused with the opportunity to show off his American born love of high capacity drum magazines and armament.

“It’s the 2nd Amendment! Wooo! I’ve contacted a friend in the states who is ready to ship me a bump stock and larger 50 capacity drum fully loaded with hollow tipped Nerf darts for home defense. You can’t be too careful. Without the 2nd amendment we wouldn’t have the 3rd amendment and I’m not about to start quartering the King’s men in my house.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pulisic leaves his Nerf gun loaded in the hallway, just in case.

Soccer Shitposters Who Live In Inuvik, Aklavik, Tuktoyaktuk, Rae-Edzo, Paulatuk, And Lutselk'e Finally Able To Give Opinions After Signing Up For Starlink Beta

NORTHERN TERRITORIES, CA - Soccer shitposters long stranded from fully reliable and usable internet in rural areas of Canada were finally able to log onto the internet and give strongly worded opinions about anything and everything after signing up for the Starlink Beta.

“FINALLY, I can start uploading my unabridged and unedited youtube rants on the Canadian Men’s Team World Cup qualifying,” stated Jason C. of Aklavik. “This 100Mb download speed and 30ms latency is really allowing me to interact with people across Canada and the rest of the world. Finally, I can tell Cristiano Ronaldo and his fans that they suck without dropping my frame rate or sacrificing video quality.”

Soccer fans in Tuktoyaktuk expressed their excitement as they can update their FIFA consoles while indicating that the Mackenzie Valley fibre optic line failed in its initial promises.

“I just gave up,” stated on Tuk resident Stephen Highwater. “I’ve always dreamed of being screamed at by a 12 year old kid in Ohio with FIFA online, but I thought it would never happen. Now, finally, with the Starlink service, I was called a racial slur, and had my opponent rage quit when I was up 6-2 with 2 minutes left in the game. It was the highlight of my day.”

For their part, a category 2 shitposter in Paulatuk who requested to be anonymous, stated that finally they could start a campaign of harassing CMNT stars that were on Twitter.

“The internet finally arrives in a way I can use it,” stated this anonymous user. “I can’t wait to yell at Alphonso Davies for being an overrated hack and start a podcast..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people with Starlink can finally stream and complain about the new Star Wars movies on Disney+.

Social Media Managers Desperately Checking Which Account They Are On Before Directing Hate Tweet At POTUS

INTERNET - Social media managers across the soccer landscape and beyond reportedly had a nervous check to ensure that they are on the right personal account or burner account before sending a hastily worded tweet at the President Of The United States.

“I HOPE THEY DRAG YOU FROM THE OFFICE SCREAMING,” stated Julian Williams as he made certain four different times that he was posting from his @pandalove account and not his @LansdownUnitedFC account.

“Start packing your bags, dickhead,” wrote Alyssa Montana as she made certain that she wasn’t logged into her @DellerPaints account.

Sources indicate that Jason Richardson of @JuneTownshipKids had a momentary panic attack as he sent a tweet from the main account stating, “GET FUCKED YOU FUCKING FUCK,” before deleting it and hoping nobody noticed.

However, most of the managers that we spoke with indicate that’s why they use different apps to run different content as they avoided with paranoid intensity the possibility of sending anything from the Brand accounts that they manage.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some accounts just say YOLO.

Nation Enters 4,209th Minute Of Stoppage Time

United States Of America - The Presidents Cup entered the 4,209th minute of stoppage time as fans of Democrats Football Club (DFC) began early celebrations by relentless sniping at each other, complaining about the purity of local candidates, worrying about ballot initiatives, and dancing to YMCA in the stands.

Sources indicate that head judge Baldomero Toledo is still continuing the game due to a number of down players, close calls, and excessive time wasting that characterized the second half.

“We cannot call the game before the game is complete,” stated national journalists. “However, we have all written our bylines and are just waiting for the end to hit publish.”

With less reputable organizations calling the game over, many of the fans of SS Republican United began simultaneously chanting, “blow the whistle,” while also chanting, "don’t blow the whistle,” as well as simultaneously decrying that the referee was, “blind, deaf and clearly disobeying the police so it makes sense if they take a shot at him.”

Despite the crowd behavior, independent observers across the globe hoped that the match would continue on as it reportedly offers unending drama and, “scenes, mate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the supporters group of DFC begin changing, “blow the fucking whistle.”

“HATE ME, YOU COWARDS,” Screams Philadelphia Union Fan Towards Grateful Nation

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fan Don Anderson screamed, “HATE ME, YOU COWARDS,” towards a grateful nation that is showering the location with love after a caustic election.

“I told a Red Bull fan to go sit on a chair full of nails and they said ‘thank you for saving the country’. I hate this. I don’t want to be the anti-hero,” stated Anderson to our reporter.

Anderson indicated that he is part of a long standing culture of gritty Philadelphia sports fans that perceives the world as being against them as they sing the lifted Millwall song, “Nobody likes us and we don’t care,” in the Sons Of Ben section.

“I'll throw a snowball with a rock in it at the next Santa I see," stated Anderson who was immediately thanked for his attempt to stop a too early creep of Christmas advertising before Thanksgiving. “I even booed a group of children crossing the street and they said, ‘thanks for keeping up the spirit of Halloween.’ I can’t do anything right. Everyone loves us and I STILL don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Anderson checks himself into Anger Mismanagement class.

Atlanta United Fans Shocked As They Are Praised For Overwhelming The Vote

Atlanta, Georgia - Atlanta United fans were reportedly shocked at the widespread praise for them and the state of Georgia as MLS fans across the league reversed course and lauded them for overwhelming the vote.

Count every vote.

“Oh, so the other times we won goal of the week ya’ll were mad,” stated Atlanta United fan Yancey Williams. “BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN its a presidential race and suddenly everyone is super happy about all of us hitting up the ballot box.”

Fans from Portland to Chicago to New England stated, “We knew that they had it in them. Thank goodness for all the times they voted in all the online polls as practice. Just give them goal of the week for the rest of 2020.”

Voters across George turned out in huge numbers as the Presidential race teetered back and forth between the two candidates. However, it appears that due to their expertise in stuffing the ballot box, that voters turned out to repudiate President Trump and his clownshoes, racist, carnival of capricious stupidity.

“I said it once and I said it again,” stated Atlanta United voter Barbara Hemmings. “I voted for Brooks Lennon and I voted for Joe Biden. If Brooks Lennon can win in this country, so can Joe.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans ready to blame Atlanta United fans for winning Goal Of The Week in 2021.

US Soccer Federation Debates Adding "Always Cheated, Never Defeated" To Youth Team Curriculum

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) is convening a group debate to add, “always cheated, never defeated,” to their youth team curriculum as they attempt to stay abreast of national political maneuvering and trends.

“HE STEPPED OFF THE LINE,”

Yes, excellent, exactly, it’s the GOALKEEPERS fault your shot was saved.

“There’s been a huge influx of Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates in our federation,” stated one insider with the USSF. “And they believe that it is the God given right of Americans to win every trophy possible in every sport possible. They also believe that the inability of Americans to win any trophy is due to a global conspiracy or some massive cheating effort rather than actually losing.”

According to documents released by hackers that were stolen from the USSF database, the Federation acknowledges that a more GOP approach towards tactics would allow it to claim that it hasn’t lost a single game in over 100 years.

“While it may seem petty, there are many within the USSF that believe such a historic winning streak as being undefeated for 100 years would attract more attention nationally,” stated our insider. “While it may seem absurd to believe, it’s no more absurd than believing in a molestation ring under a pizza store, or an invisible multifaceted internet legend dispensing half truths via coded memes.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates claim that there is a conspiracy to prevent an accurate vote on the matter.

Toronto FC Claims Victory In The Supporters Shield And MLS Cup

TORONTO - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Toronto FC claimed victory in the race for the Supporters Shield with one game to go as they tweeted, “We have claimed, for trophy purposes, the Supporters Shield. Additionally, we hereby claim MLS Cup 2020.”

League sources indicate that, in fact, it does not matter if you claim something before you win it however that didn’t stop the Canadian side from claiming all the remaining 2020 trophies available.

“MLS Will not allow fans to view the games. As such, we find it important to indicate that we are claiming that this is a rigged competition and we are the winners,” stated Toronto FC individuals.

Sports writers were reportedly flummoxed by the situation as they indicated that they were pretty certain that you can’t just claim you are the winner. However writers with the Toronto Sun indicated that Toronto FC were beset by, “Woke, liberal, American elitists that are trying to steal the season from our hard working Canadians.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Toronto FC still end up playing the remaining games anyway.

FC Cincinnati Concede In Ohio, Announce 4 Year Campaign For A Victory In 2024

Cincinnati, OH - Following the conclusion of voting and the MLS season, FC Cincinnati called to concede their race in Ohio and announced a new 4 year campaign with a hope of grabbing a victory during the 2024 general election.

“We are disappointed with the way that the results happened,” stated general manager Gerard Nijkamp. “However we believe that our fans expected too much from us this season. It will take 2 or 3 or 4 more years before we are ready to win.”

Fans were reportedly surprised by this news as they expected their team to do much better this time around, but Nijkamp stated that this was too much.

“Obviously we would like to do better, but the voters have spoken. We must concede in Ohio and we will prepare for 2024.”

Fan David Williams stated his frustration as he exclaimed, “Why can’t we prepare and get ready for 2021, first. They expect us to just sit around and watch this for the next three years before we can claim victory again?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some fans claim that FC Cincinnati tried to move too much to the left, some fans claimed they didn’t move far enough left and other fans say that FC Cincinnati has just simply lost touch with the hard working blue collar mentality.

Vipassana Meditation Retreat Announces That All Spots In The January "Retreat From Society" Have Been Booked By Soccer Brand Social Media Managers

Burlington, VT - Vipassana meditation retreat Flowering Lotus today announced that all spots in the January one month retreat from society program have been completely booked by soccer brand social media managers.

“We welcome those who wish to see things as they really are,” stated practitioner James Howard. “We know that many are strung out by the ever present dangers of Social Media and it appears that the only way they can return to some kind of normal is a retreat into themselves to discover Vipassanā. We require our practitioners during this retreat to completely cut themselves off from contact to the outside world. They will remain free from calls, emails, social media, or necessity. They will focus only the practice. We sold out immediately when they found this out.”

Sources indicate that the entire January retreat is booked by social media managers from MLS, NWSL, and USL teams as they attempted to find some way to spend a month where they aren’t slowly dying inside from logging on every single day.

“I need some time where I don’t see the drunken angry ranting of people after we lose a game,” stated one anonymous manager. “Vipassana promises self-transformation through self-observation. I’m a bit terrified of what I’m going to see.”

“I’ve been medicating by silencing my notifications in the evening and crying as I drink some wine or whisky,” stated another manager. “But I should say that the days where it’s fun are really fun. It’s just unfortunate that there’s 364 days in the year instead of that one day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the February retreat is filled with Sports Writers.

Single Issue Chicago Fire Voter Angry There's No State Vote About Logo

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire voter Steven Gotschalk reportedly left the voting booth full of anger after finding out that there is no state vote on the ballot about the Chicago Fire’s logo.

“Ok the Fair Tax who cares,” stated Gotschalk to our reporters. “Pritzker has yet to step in about the atrocity that is the Fire logo. That’s all I care about right now and I have no power to change it.”

Gotschalk reportedly took his anger out on the local pollsters as he responded, “OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING LOGO,” to someone who asked him if he voted today.

"I looked in the pamphlets and I looked online. I'm not about to vote for ANY president who can't articulate why the current logo is an absolute abomination and should be replaced with the old logo and the designers fired into the suns. I'm a single issue voter, on that. If Trump wants my vote then tell him to sign an executive order to bring back the logo.”

Gotschlak took his anger out on his Twitter account @BringBackTheLogo as he claimed, “No President has mentioned anything about this, and that’s the most important issue right now. Every party is obviously corrupt and being payed off by Nelson Rodriguez. BOTH SIDES are corrupt. BOTH SIDES.”

Nutmeg News will have more as Gotschalk is planning on organizing a national protest about the logo with 2 confirmed attendees so far.

Soccer Fan Disappointed At The Lack Of Gegenpress At The Polls

Dallas, TX - Soccer fan Philip T. Williams admitted that he was disappointed at the lack of Gegenpress at the polls as he extolled the ability to win the vote closer to the goal if everyone is committed to pressing the undecided voters.

Williams reportedly cast his vote in a disappointed manner as he realized that he would not have to evade or counterpress hordes of people gathered to vote in the national election.

“I was planning on forcing a turnover by claiming that I was a communist ANTIFA infiltrator sent to kidnap babies from pollsters,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “Unfortunately the only person at my voting location was an 85 year old man wearing a Dukakis straw hat. It was not what I was expecting.”

Friends say that Williams donned his Adidas shoes, jeans and bucket hat paired with a worn Jawbreaker t-shirt that subtly pointed a the irony of life and consumerism as he went to his designated voting location to perform his civic duty for the first time in his 27 years.

“I was really hoping that we’d see a lot more tactics,” stated Williams. “I was planning on Gegenpress, or perhaps transitioning to a more Post-Pep style of tiki-taka where I try to pass the blame around for the country amongst everyone there. I was really excited but in the end I just did my duty and left.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams turns down the difficulty on his Football Manager save and tucks into some liquor to pass the time.

MLS To Use Healthy PPG (Players Per Game) System To Determine Playoff Seeding

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced, today, that in light of a recent spate of positive COVID-19 cases requiring the cancellation of games that they would use Healthy PPG (Players Per Game) to determine playoff seeding.

“Obviously we want all the qualified teams in the playoffs,” stated one league insider. “But in some cases they may not have enough healthy players to play. In those cases the teams with a lower PPG will actually get a higher seeding in hopes that they will recover from the pandemic sweeping this nation.”

Insiders indicate that this could lead to an overall shakeup of the league standings as teams with positive tests will leap forward in the rankings.

“What we want to see are games with healthy players,” stated one team doctor. “So what we are saying is that if you get COVID or your team gets COVID that you will get a break for a week in the playoffs.”

Teams within the league are reportedly balancing the idea between having a bye and a few players sick, and playing more games but having a healthy squad after the news was announced.

“So on one hand I was thinking of not going out to the bar,” stated one midfielder. “but on the other hand…. we could use a week off.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more games are cancelled.

Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez Wins LA Galaxy Halloween Costume Contest As A Ghost

LOS ANGELES - Javier “Chicharito”’ Hernandez reportedly won the LA Galaxy Halloween costume contest as a ghost, according to insider reports.

A picture of Chicharito’s costume.

“You just couldn’t see him,” stated one anonymous report. “He was completely invisible! It was amazing.”

Sources with the team say that Hernandez has been taking his preparation for the costume contest seriously over the past few months as he works on being invisible for longer and longer.

“He really took this to another level,” stated one team source. “There were times where he was even a ghost at practice! It was SPOOKY! It’s like he just stopped existing.”

Despite all the accolades, Hernandez’s win reportedly ruffled the feathers of other Galaxy players who claimed that the forward had just simply not showed up. However, according to trainers they said that they knew he was there, even if he was invisible to his teammates.

“Oh yes! He was there,” stated one anonymous trainer. “Just because the boys couldn’t see him doesn’t mean he wasn’t there. I saw him for certain. I guarantee. When you see a spec of light out of the corner of your eye? That’s Chicharito!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez claims that he will continue to be a ghost for the rest of the year.

USL Announces That Championship Will Go To Team With Least Amount Of Racial And Homophobic Slurs During The 2020 Season

NEW YORK - The United Soccer League (USL), today, announced that in light of the recent COVID outbreak, that the USL Championship will be decided by which team in the championship has the least amount of racial and homophobic slurs over the past season.

“We felt like this was a decision that we should make given the staggered nature of the competition,” stated USL director of public relations Beth Howard. “It’s important to note that we will be combing through the season exhaustively to ensure that we research both teams before awarding the championship.”

Fans of both Phoenix Rising and the Tampa Bay Rowdies state that the are uncertain as to which team will win the trophy.

“You never know,” stated one Phoenix fan. “Maybe the VAR Championship squad will find something that some Rowdies player said that was never reported.”

For their part, Phoenix Rising are protesting the possibility of ending the season this way as they stated, “one more reference to this and we will WALK RIGHT OFF THE FIELD.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Championship is moved to Walter Reed Hospital.

LA Galaxy Fan Celebrates End Of Baseball Season By Looking Forward To End Of Soccer Season

LOS ANGELES - As the confetti fell down and the Los Angeles Dodgers celebrated winning the World Series, Galaxy fan Eddie Ramos celebrated by fondly looking forward to the end of the season for the Galaxy.

“Oh god I can’t wait for it to be over,” stated Ramos as he looked to see how many games were left and then sighed. “IT really can’t be over soon enough.”

Ramos has been perpetually disappointed from start to finish with nearly every facet of the Galaxy season with the exception of Cristian Pavon as he counts down to the firing of Schelotto and the hopeful removal of Chris Klein.

“If we lost every remaining game and fired Klein I would consider this season a success,” stated Ramos. “At this point, I’m looking forward to the offseason and leaving behind this shit year.”

Ramos still is watching every game but admits that the season has taken a toll as he now finds himself just rooting for things like, “the end of the game,” and, “someone doing something to fix this shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ramos comes down from his post Dodgers celebration, sighs, opens a beer and gets ready for another Galaxy game.

Colorado Rapids Announce "Among Us" COVID-19 Promotion

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids, today, announced an “Among Us” COVID-19 promotion for their upcoming games.

“We will be starting our adventure with 11 players, 2 of whom will be imposters infected with COVID-19,” stated Rapids director of marketing, player scouting, social media and setting up cones Dale Williams. “The goal of the game will be to have the players figure out which of them are the imposters and eject them from the game into quarantine so they can play next weekend.”

Team sources indicate that players are already being paranoid about the situation as they keep accusing each other of, “pretending to finish tasks but just standing around.”

“Keegan Rosenberry was with me the whole time,” stated Lalas Abubakar. “Cole Bassett. He is very sus. I saw him standing by a vent and he looked like he was going to jump in. I swear. That’s why I pressed the button. We need to vote him off. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO JUMP. WHY DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND HE IS THE ONE?!”

Even goalkeepers are fighting back as William Yarbrough stated, “I was already sus of a few people before this game even started. Some people have just been sitting in the ice baths, I saw them on cams. Do NOT let Orange follow you. He was wandering around the hallways and wasn’t doing anything. Everyone should know I was in the airlock when we discovered the positive test. It couldn’t be me. Vote to kick out orange!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the imposters win again.

Incredibly Nosy Reporters Write Hit Piece On Beloved Soccer Billionaires

INTERNET - Fans of soccer teams across North America were apoplectic as a pair of incredibly nosy reporters with The Athletic wrote a hit piece based upon publicly available information on the political contributions of the beloved soccer billionaires that own franchises in Major League Soccer

“How DARE they,” stated Jennifer Williams of Los Angeles. “What did Phil Anschutz do to deserve this? You donate A FEW TIMES to anti-LGBTQ organizations that help run conversion camps that torture LGBTQ kids into thinking they are straight and that makes you a bad guy? These are shades of grey!”

Fans in staunchly progressive locations were even offended on behalf of their franchise owners as Steve Williams of Portland stated, “Hank Paulson just donated a few dollars to a party that believes in things that go against all the T.I.F.O we make and that’s a problem? Ha! I hate all those reporters who had to dig through all the dirty laundry to make this a conversation. This is just gotcha journalism. None of us even recognize that Hank is involved in the team. It’s all about Merritt and Merritt is great! He hates most of the fans that I hate and that’s just fun.”

“This is all the reporters faults,” stated Harold Harlan of Cincinnati. “If they didn’t report then I wouldn’t have to know. I don’t need to know the things I don’t need to know because I wouldn’t like them. What I need to know is the things I don’t know that I would like to know. Like, you know…. stories about owls who live in houses or videos of cats being scared by bananas.”

Nashville fan Jerrit Brown repeatedly stated to nearly every account with a positive interaction with the story online, “These are all well known things. Billionaires taking care of themselves. No one should be shocked. This is not a story.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fan Bruce Arnold states that he fundamentally disagrees with talking about the private donations of billionaires as he states, “Just because I don’t support Black lives matter doesn’t mean I’m a racist.”

Google Reports 573830583% Increase In "What Is The Supporters Shield" Searches Over The Past Year

INTERNET - Google Trends reported a 573830583% increase in “What Is The Supporters Shield” searches relative to last year as the search engine was inundated with this question over the past 48 hours.

Reports indicate that “What Is The Supporters Shield” searches seemed to peak on October 18th, 2020 in one massive push mostly supported by the subregion of Ontario, Canada.

“It’s interesting to note that the related topics were Supporters’ Shield - Award and MLS - Soccer League,” stated director of Analytics Geoff Rowsten. “We saw a massive spike from Tim Horton’s parking lots across the Ontario province.”

THIS DATA IS INTERESTING, BUT WE NEED MORE

Additionally, researchers say that when the search was less restricted, that people searching for just Supporters Shield had some very informative queries.

“What we see here is a strong break out of Toronto FC fans figuring out what the supporters’ shield is and connecting the announcement to the fact that they likely will not be receiving it,” stated Google researcher James Wilson. “If we look at the data by the United States we see the interest over time, and it becomes clear that we are looking at the passion of the Supporters Shield in evidence specifically in Canada.”

Sources with the Internet giant say that they scaled up their operations in the Toronto area during the push but things are back to normal.

“We see that we are more or less back to the a flat line again, and we anticipate this to be the case until next year or the year after or the next time a global pandemic forces a partial restructuring of the entire league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we send our reporter out to photograph the Supporters Shield parade for this season.