Invincible Sporting Kansas City Finishes With Supporters Shield As MLS Season Nears End

NEW YORK - The 2020 Major League Soccer season is, reportedly, coming to an end today as jubilant Sporting Kansas City fans celebrated their Supporters Shield win and finishing the season without any losses.

“It’s been a tough season, but we pulled it out,” stated SKC fan Rob Harrison. “The Alan Pulido pickup ended up being the thing that put us over the top. I never saw the team lose. Just imagine that.”

Analysts state that this turnaround for SKC really enhanced a dire 2020 season that seemed entirely too short, at times.

“Barely any teams got going,” stated one league source. “We really thought there would be a more of a race, but SKC just couldn’t be stopped.”

Kansas City finished with a total of 6 points out of a possible 6 points winning home and away, at times seemingly unable to lose.

“They were a freight train,” stated Carla Overhans of Kansas City. “It was pure domination. We never lost. I’m telling you that this team could easily take on the likes of Arsenal from 2003.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the virtual victory parade in Kansas City stretches up and down the internet.

Atlanta United Strike Wins Fan Vote For NISA Goal Of The Week

ATLANTA - A 55th minute strike by Emerson Hyndman won the National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) goal of the week fan vote despite not being nominated nor being in the correct league.

“I simply do not understand how this happened,” stated NISA IT director and director of merchandising Robert Jerran. “It defies all logic. The goal wasn’t even nominated. And we have captcha? Who knew there was a way around captcha?”

Fans of Atlanta United reportedly swamped the NISA servers to vote for the Hyndman strike as they exerted their influence on the popularity contest.

“HIS GOAL WAS THE BEST IN EVERY LEAGUE,” stated Atlanta United fan Dominic Hayes. “EVERYONE WILL RESPECT THE GOAL. BETTER THAN MESSI. BETTER THAN RONALDO. BETTER THAN EVERYONE.”

According to neutral observers, Hyndman’s goal wasn’t even the best in Major League Soccer. this week. However that didn’t stop Atlanta United fans from pushing his effort towards the top of the NISA list.

“I’m not saying it was the best goal, but it was clearly better than any goal by any team in NISA,” stated United fan Paul Stephens. “I can’t defend what our fans do, but I did vote for the goal because our team is just simply better than all the other NISA teams.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United wins goal of the week for the NWSL in week 1.

US Women Discuss Intentionally Missing 2023 World Cup In Order To Meet High Skill Standard Of US Soccer Federation

Dallas, TX - United States Women’s National Team players allegedly came together to talk about intentionally missing the 2023 World Cup in order to meet the high skill standards of the US Soccer Federation and get paid like the US Men’s National Team.

“If the US Soccer Federation wants us to play to the standard of the United States Men, we are going to have to stop winning as much,” stated one anonymous player. “Clearly all that speed and skill shown by the USMNT lead to enormous success over the years.”

With the United States Men without a championship in any major competition ever, the United States Women reportedly considered giving back their trophies and forfeiting a few tournaments.

“If the argument is that our speed and skill isn’t as good as the men, then we clearly need to forfeit all the World Cups and Olympics going forward and just work on our top speed running in straight line as we continually find ways top lose to our biggest rivals at home. Maybe doing that will put us on equal footing with the US Men.”

For his part, Carlos Cordeiro stated that he didn’t believe the women would do such a thing as he stated, “we don’t believe the women have the same duplicitous skill as men to figure something like that out. Women can’t beat men in a footrace. And a footrace is very important.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Women abandon soccer practice for some track time and 100 meter repeats.

After Serie A Postponement, Brooklyn Man Looking For, "Any Real Football Team Anywhere In The World In Any Real League, Except MLS"

Brooklyn, NY - Chad Williams of Cobble Hill stated that he is looking for, “any real football team anywhere in the world in any real league, except MLS,” to watch after the COVID-19 virus threat made league officials postpone the Serie A season.

A casual Juventus fan for the last five years, Williams stated that he just couldn’t handle living without soccer during this tough period for him.

“If only I had some kind of football to watch right now,” stated Williams. “I’d just about watch any league or any team, almost. I’d give almost anything to have actual football to watch. I just don’t understand why it has to be this hard to watch people kick around a ball. I almost went down to the park to watch people play, but I realized it just wouldn’t be up to my standards. I’ll wake up really early to watch games, I’ll find illegal streams or choppy in stand periscope streams, I’ll do just about anything to watch football…. well almost anything. I might even give the Eredivisie a try, although they barely have a collection of players between all the teams that wouldn’t even last in Serie A.”

According to friends, Williams spent the day looking for a team in England or Spain to support now that he temporarily lost his Juventus fix.

“He’s been asking us which team has the best aesthetic tactical direction with an emphasis on current wins and passionate home support,” stated friend Harry Purdue.

On his Instagram page dedicated to pictures of Juventus, Dybala, and his coffee orders, Williams illuminated his current choices stating, “I’m looking for a team like Barcelona or possibly Liverpool. Someone that can make me feel the same thing that Juventus has for the past five years. I’m very picky about this and want something I can feel a real connection to without having them come in direct conflict with my first love of Juventus.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams admits he yearns for some kind of local connection to soccer as he plans an extended trip overseas so he can actually see some games live.

Thousands Of Fans Quarantined In Dignity Health Sports Park Under Victoria Block T.I.F.O

LOS ANGELES - Sources indicate that thousands of Los Angeles Galaxy fans have been quarantined under the large Galaxy T.I.F.O display from this weekend as a stray, uncovered cough was heard in the Victoria Block section.

“We had to take precautions,” stated Anna Sanders, LA Galaxy director of health. “Someone heard someone say that someone else in the stands was coughing without covering their mouth or washing their hands and we were forced into action.”

According to onsite witnesses, the Galaxy fans are required to stay underneath the display for 14 days until the incubation period is passed.

“I can’t afford this quarantine,” stated one person underneath the T.I.F.O. “They are still charging us stadium prices for water, food and beer. We are all going to go broke after a few days here.”

According to team sources, the front office will continue offering roving beer vendors in a full tyvex suits with respirators that will offer a CoronaVirusLunch special of a Hot dog and a Michelada for $28 and a CoronaVirusDinner special of a Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog and a Beer/Soda for $43.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans wait for the sweet release of getting out of the stadium so they can come back a few hours later for another game.

Union Fan Calls In Sick To Work With BacardiVirus

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fan Mary Lauderdale called in sick to work after reporting all the symptoms of BacardiVirus this morning.

Clearly I’m unwell. I’m giving laudanum to a teddy bear.

Lauderdale indicated that she has an extreme headache, dizziness, fatigue, nausea, light sensitivity, and irritability; and that she didn’t want to spread the disease while being contagious.

“It must have been incubating for some time,” stated Lauderdale to The Nutmeg News in a phone interview. “I went to a Union watch party last night and after a few beverages and some shots I started to feel a bit distressed. When I woke up this morning with a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my face it was clear that I would be in no shape to come into work. I feel that I did the responsible thing.

Friends say that Lauderdale shut herself up in her apartment, closed all the blinds, ordered breakfast from Caviar and started re-watching episodes of 30 Rock from under a massive fuzzy blanket on her couch.

“It’s important that we all take the time to ensure that we are not spreading disease,” stated Lauderdale as she pounded a lemon-lime Gatorade. “Anyway, did you see that game last night? It was incredible. I seriously can’t do shots after a goal again. What was I thinking?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lauderdale’s friend Jeff Anderson calls in sick to his job with CuervoVirus.

10 Inventive Ways Kroenke Sports Enterprises Can Fix The Colorado Rapids

We gathered a group of strategists together to survey the landscape of Major League Soccer and come up with 10 different ways for Kroenke Sports Enterprises to fix the Colorado Rapids. Here are the suggestions they gave.

President Snow seen here surveying the Capital prior to presenting the tributes for the 456th Hunger Games.

#1 Sell the team to someone that cares

Stan in his Roger Stone cosplay glasses.

#2 Sell the team to someone that cares

Stan ready to hornswaggle another city into paying a boatload of money on seat licenses.

#3 Sell the team to someone that cares

NOBODY TELLS ME TO NOT LOOK AT THE SUN. I OWN THE SUN.

#4 Sell the team to someone that cares

Secret Agent Stan comes with moving trucks and pink slips.

#5 Sell the team to someone that cares

Basketball Stan comes with a bad contract to Will Barton

#6 Sell the team to someone that cares

Arsenal Stan comes with a luxury box and an inability to hear your songs.

#7 Sell the team to someone that cares

Old School Stan comes with a Marv Albert wardrobe

#8 Sell the team to someone that cares

Merv Griffin Stan comes with his own walk on music and special brown tie!

#9 Sell the team to someone that cares

Finger wag Stan would like you to know that it’s not really his fault. Mostly because he tries not to think about you or his sports teams at all, if at all possible.

#10 Sell the team to someone that cares

Arsenal Stan would like you to focus more on the managers lack of success than his own.

Aging Ultra Subverts Office Norms By Wearing Sambas To Work

NEW YORK - 46 year old New York Red Bull fan Antoni Smith reportedly spent his week subverting the classical office norms of business casual by wearing his Adidas Sambas into work.

Stating, “someone’s gotta show some pride out there,” Smith found a way to break with the tradition of wearing dress shoes or terrible new balance sneakers by flashing his “casual collection” to everyone working in his office as a subtle fuck you to the establishment.

Co-workers were unaware of Smith’s attempt at destroying the business casual aesthetic and maintaining his ultra street cred as they stated, “what those old things with the paint stains on them,” when asked about his shoes.

Smith reportedly sighed deeply as he logged into his laptop and gazed at the background he set of the South Ward celebrating a goal before putting on headphones, playing Agnostic Front, rocking back on his chair and placing his shoes up his desk where everyone could see them.

“I’ve been supporting this team since I was 21. These shoes are just my part that says I’m not fully participating in this whole capitalist charade. I’m here so I have enough money to attend the games, and I also need to pay for rent, student loans, medical bills, electricity, credit card bills, phone bills, and that time I had to charge a MLS conduct violation class for lighting off a smoke bomb to my emergency mastercard,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. “I spend most of my day researching vacations I can’t afford and homes that I can’t afford and doing enough work to keep this thing going. Frankly, I’m just about ready to move to a deserted island somewhere if I didn’t have season tickets and couldn’t actually afford moving in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a coworker asks if Smith’s throwback Adidas windbreaker was purchased from a Goodwill.

NWSL To Honor Former Commissioner By Having Players Do Nothing For 45 Minutes

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) stated that they would honor the former commissioner of the league from 2017 to 2020 by having the players in the league do nothing for 45 minutes during the opening game of the 2020 season.

The former commissioner pictured here during the 2018 season.

“It’s important for us to show deference to the empty chair that we didn’t fill for almost three years and we feel this is the best way to do this,” stated NWSL director of marketing Susan Renken.

According to league sources, players will kick the ball to start the game and then look at one another for a few minutes before former managing director of operations and president Amanda Duffy appears on the jumbotron to encourage them to continue in a pre-recorded message streamed by go90 that will hang for 10 minutes, require a full reboot of the system and then fragment.

“We are excited to honor all the hard work put in by the commissioner over the past three years while we also prepare excitedly for the tenure of Lisa Baird,” stated Renken. “We hope that our fans will give a hearty round of applause during the half time transition period as we move forward into a new era.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Duffy go90 stream is geolocked for the Orlando game and the onsite technicians have to use a vpn to masquerade their traffic as coming from England in order to play the message from the official league website.

Las Vegas Lights Announce Normal Nights Normal Lights Promotion

Las Vegas, NV - Las Vegas Lights FC, today, announced a Normal Nights Normal Lights promotion where the barnstorming team will play at a normal time in normal kits on a normal field.

“People have begun to associate the Lights brand with a non-traditional approach,” stated guru of marketing and YOLO James Bandolini. “Now that we’ve established this aesthetic we can really push against the norm by subverting our own out-there approach to marketing and fan relations.”

Bandolini indicated that the Lights would play a number of games in the middle of the USL season without any promotions at all and barely any outreach at a normal time in normal kits on a normal field.

“This will be a daring and new approach for a soccer team. We will grasp the avant-garde approach and crush the normal aesthetic of our club under the weight of the guise of un-relevant non-being. With the idea of no marketing, no advertising and zero giveaways we will show the current North America soccer club dichotomy and explore the relevance of our own position in the community.”

Not content to stop there, Bandolini boldly proclaimed a psychological component to the Normal Nights Normal Lights promotion as he stated, “We will attempt to kill our own ego with the subjugation of our ID and find the principle of reality outside the braggadocio of a helicopter raining money down on the unwashed masses. Within the subjugation of our ID and the dissection of our ego we will find a new rebirth and a new component to allow us to transition into our Mindfulness Monday promotion towards the end of the year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mindfulness Monday With The Lights comes with a strict 12 hour cleanse and an hour of meditation prior to the game.

Detroit City Fan Completely Misreads Stroh's Party Deck Email Announcement

Detroit, MI - Expressing the desire to, “really combine more of my interests,” soccer fan James Buchanan apparently completely misread the Detroit City FC announcement of the new Stroh’s Party Deck as he paid in full for the game against the Oakland Roots.

“It’s only $200 to rent and you can have multiple people involved? What kind of party is this,” muttered Buchanan as he tried to envision how this was going to work. “This seems like a pretty groundbreaking promotion. Why is there no real information on this?”

Friends state that Buchanan was just overeager in his response.

“I know what he thought it said,” stated friend Stephen Williams. “And I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s just a place to watch the game and drink beer.”

For his part, Buchanan realized his mistake as he quickly admitted that he just wants to hang out and watch some soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Buchanan asks if anyone else on the Party Deck thought they read something different when they opened the email.

French Language Immersion Program With Ultras Montreal Teaches Alberta Man New And Inventive Swear Words

MONTREAL - A pilot French language immersion program with Ultras Montreal taught Red Deer resident Jeff McKenzie new and inventive swear words as the Alberta man relayed his initial lessons to a shocked professor.

Pierre Obendrauf / Montreal Gazette

“Well, I learned a few new words,” stated McKenzie who spent Saturday in the UM02 supporters section. “Um… I learned the word, ‘guidoune,’ and I heard someone say, ‘t’es donc ben niaiseux,’ which I think is more of a complement. I heard a lot of people saying the word, ‘vidange,’ and, ‘tu es une vidange,’ so I feel like I’m learning both words and phrases which is nice.”

The Quebecois words surprised McKenzie’s French teacher who reportedly asked him to keep his voice down as he continued to explain his lessons.

“In the second half of the game, one person was yelling, ‘DECRISS,’ a lot which was usually followed up with j’ai le feu au cul, although I don’t have a clue what that means. I also heard someone yelling, ‘Esti de câlice de tabarnak, c'est pas possible comment que t'es cave,’ which I still haven’t fully translated yet, but seems like a very useful phrase.”

With McKenzie now just shouting random profanities, his teacher asked him to delay his report until they were in a private setting.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKenzie plays his teacher a recording of someone in the supporters section yelling something that sounded like, “T'es rien qu'un ostie de gros cochon sale qui s'roule dans sa propre merde à la journée longue pis qu'y aime ça en plus,” at him.

Chicago Fire Player Pretty Confident That Blurry Blobs He Clapped Toward In CenturyLink Field Were Travelling Fans

Seattle, WA - Reserve Chicago Fire player Dimitri Harden stated that he was pretty confident that the blurry blobs he clapped toward in CenturyLink Field were, in fact, travelling Chicago Fire fans.

“I saw the other players clapping in that direction and I think I saw some red…. or blue… anyway…. I’m pretty certain we saluted the fans,” stated Harden to The Nutmeg News.

Fire fans reportedly claimed that they appreciated the claps in their general direction as a number of Fire players ambled about the field saluting the fans.

“I think that Djordje Mihailovic clapped in the general direction of where we sat,” stated Stephanie Wallace. “And Fabian Herbers was very very close.”

According to Harden, the players were told the general vicinity of where the fans were but some took an extra precaution.

“I just walked in a lazy circle and clapped to all sides,” stated Harden. “I mean, maybe there were Fire fans sprinkled around the stadium. Who knows. From field level it’s almost impossible to find everyone so some of us just started clapping to all parts of the stadium.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as David Edwards, travelling from Evanston, feels that the players didn’t REALLY clap in his direction.

With The Season Over for The Union, DC United, The Revs, Nashville, Vancouver, The Timbers, Inter Miami, Chicago, Cincinnati, And NYCFC, Their Fans Turn To Other Pursuits

With the Major League Soccer (MLS) season over for the Philadelphia Union, D.C. United, The Revolution, Nashville SC, the Vancouver Whitecaps, the Portland Timbers, Inter Miami, the Chicago Fire, FC Cincinnati, and New York City Football Club (NYCFC), their fans reportedly turned to other pursuits.

And that’s how it will finish. Sad news, D.C. United fans.

“This is the earliest I’ve ever been released from this purgatory,” stated Whitecaps fan Andrew Williams. “Typically the Whitecaps wait until a few games to give up the season and let the fans go home, but this year they decided to let us all go with a residing thump. I’m going to focus on the Canucks, take in the BC Sportsmen’s Show and probably go to the auto show.”

Other fans were looking at the news with a sadder lens as our reporters in Nashville found out first hand.

“I thought we would have a few more games before we were done for the season,” stated Nashville fan Eddie Portenza. “It’s just sad that it’s one and done. Now I’m going to have to wait another 364 days before soccer starts back up again.”

For their part, Timbers fans blamed the referees for their 3-1 loss to Minnesota United as fan Andrea Guzman stated, “That wasn’t offside. It was never offside. That game should’ve been a 3-2 loss.”

Our reporter in New York City spoke to fans of NYCFC who insisted that they get credit for starting on the road as one fan stated, “You can’t be knocked out of the league on the first day if you start on the road. That’s how it works. It’s in the rules somewhere. YOU CANT.”

We attempted to reach out to Miami fans, but they were unavailable having already head to the gorgeous beaches and vibrant nightlife to soak their disappointments in a fervent club scene and the lapping waves of the Atlantic.

The Nutmeg News will have more as more teams end their season in one week.

LAFC Fan Claims Supremacy As He Couldn't Even Hear Club León Supporters From His Vantage Point Standing Next To The Huge Drums In The Supporters Section

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) fan Paul Gutierrez claimed total supporters group supremacy as he stated that he couldn’t even hear any of the León fans singing or chanting from his vantage point next to the huge drums in the 3252 supporters section during the 3-0 home victory in the CONCACAF Champions league.

“We won on the field and we won in the stands,” shouted Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “I couldn’t hear anything from them at all. It was all us, all the time!”

Gutierrez stated that he expected León fans to put up a better show as he thought that there would be some kind of impact from them in the stands.

“Yeah, it’s crazy. When I got into the stands and stood next the drums I noticed a lot of green in the stands. However, we took over their stadium in Mexico and this time all I could hear from where I was standing were our drums and the people standing next to me singing. Never could hear them at all.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as literally every large supporters group in MLS does the same thing home or away.

Fans Claim That Parity In MLS Is Clearly Out Of Control As All Teams Remain Tied At This Point In The Season

Sports fans were reportedly dismayed at the extreme parity in Major League Soccer (MLS) as all 26 teams in the league remained on the same points at this point in the season.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303376345_Parity_in_European_Football_Leagues

“This is just an example of the socialist leftists invading this country and our glorious sports history,” stated Gerald Williams of Elko. “You would never see 26 Baseball teams tied on points. Hell no. My generation didn’t sit and listen to our father’s generation talk about storming the beaches of Normandy to let socialism ruin the sport we spent the last 30 years talking crap about.”

According to Jeannie Evans of Broomfield, Colorado, the Broncos fan was concerned about the message that this kind of parity sends to children.

“What does it show them when we enforce this kind of socialism in our sports league? Does this teach them that they are all special, because they aren’t. There’s a bunch of really terrible kids out there that should know they are terrible,” stated Evans. “You would never see this kind of parity in the NFL because that is our capitalist market at work. I read an article on a website that said that antifers are taking over the youth via soccer in order to get them to vote for Bernie Castro. We must stop this.”

Statisticians claimed that there was a specific reason for the parity oddity at this point, but our reporters weren’t interested in a bunch of eggheads making stuff up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone makes a joke for the 1,000,000th time about parity/parody.

Blogger Sneaks 4 Made Up Teams Into USL Season Preview To See If Anyone Will Notice

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic and USL writer Josh Dickinson reportedly hid 4 made up teams in his USL 2020 season preview to see if anyone would notice as he published his 20,000 word magnum opus on all the teams in the league.

“Oh sure everyone knows Sacramento and New Mexico, but what about the Plano Pirates, the Montgomery Barons, Loudoun United FC and the Wichita Linemen,” stated Dickenson to The Nutmeg News. “I figured that anyone who clicked on the article probably checked out after the introduction of the piece and just went to see what I said about their team. I guess we will find out if anyone is paying attention.”

Dickinson reportedly stated that he believed the Plano Pirates could find their way into the USL Championship Playoffs this year if they managed to shore up their previously porous defense, a thought that USL expert Deryk Sanderson believes to be true.

“Plano struggled at times last year,” stated Sanderson on his Geology and Soccer podcast TalkingSchist. “But if they can fix up their defense I could see them really seizing control of the USL Central Midwest North Texas division.”

With Dickinson making up facts, other news outlets were quick to seize on the opportunity to copy his work as they flushed out their own takes with SBNation starting up a blog for the Wichita Linemen and requesting any new writers in the area to apply for the honor of running the website.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wichita charge up the standings and try to make the playoffs after acquiring a centerback from the Barons for a collection of rare Hummel figurines and a new showerhead.

German Composer Panned By American Soccer Blog For Lack Of Tactical Prowess And Ignorance Of American Culture

Stating, “He needs to drop the 4-2-3-1, get rid of the double cello in the midfield and switch to an aggressive 4-3-3 with our best violinist up top,” the blog MLSTactics.com panned the recent composition, moves, and formation of the MLS Anthem by German composer Hans Zimmer.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SUM AND THE USSF?

“We need an American composer to handle this situation, not a German one who appoints his grandson to the timpani section of the development orchestra,” stated writer James Stewart. “We have a history of American composers from George Gershwin to Aaron Copland to John Williams and we let this German try to figure out an American identity? I think not.”

The post by Stewart on MLS Tactics details how the orchestra could deal with a lost generation of American Bassoon players and how the appointment of Zimmer to the MLS Anthem is just another example of the catering to foreign composers.

“You are telling me that Randy Newman couldn’t do this job? Randy Newman would come in here and understand the American psyche. He would write an MLS Anthem that would really show the jaunty drive into suburbia and the Panda Express next to the Starbucks at your local grocery story complex center. Zimmer probably doesn’t even understand what our star Violinists want when they talk about Chipotle and Netflix.”

Stewart also castigated Zimmer for bringing in dual citizenship french horns who, “don’t understand what it is like to be American and wake up every day in the greatest country in the world and probably won’t play as hard as American Horns would if MLS Cup was really on the line."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the MLS Anthem with Randy Newman in charge fails to make it to the final selection.

"This Is The Year I Enjoy Fantasy Soccer," Claims Delusional Fan

Oklahoma City, OK - Delusional Oklahoma Energy fan Coleen Warner claimed that, "THIS is the year I enjoy Major League Soccer fantasy soccer," before logging in to create her 2020 team.

"Granted I didn't stick with the game in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2011, but that was different. THIS year I'm going to stay committed beyond week three to finishing out the league and actually enjoy myself," claimed Warner before her friends started subtly laughing at her. 

While Ms. Warner has continually created a team only to forget half way through the season that they even existed, she is adamant that this is the season of change.

"It's going to happen. I'm enjoying it all. I'm actually studying players and trends that successful fantasy players use to achieve success in their leagues. I'm actually going to remember to log into my team each week to adjust my team based on injuries and I'm planning on continuing even if my team loses massively in week 2," stated Ms. Warner to The Nutmeg News

Friends of Ms. Warner claimed that this is all hollow talk that she uses every year to talk herself into playing a game that is just fundamentally not that much fun.

The Nutmeg News spoke to friend Laura Ingrahm about Ms Warner and she had the following to say, "Once the Energy season kicks off she will forget all about this. Nobody cares about the points that Jalil Anibaba gets you in week 6 when you forgot to log in for the past 4 weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Warner continues to believe that this is the season for fantasy fun.

Rochester Lancers Game Abandoned After Rave Breaks Out During MASL Goal Celebration

Rochester, NY - A recent Major Arena Soccer League (MASL) game between the Rochester Lancers and the Baltimore Blast was reportedly cancelled after a rave broke out in the stadium during a goal celebration.

LANCERS SCOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooontz

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooontz

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ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooontz

“I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I was throwing shapes in the church of dance,” stated Lancers player Gary Boughton. “There was a moment where I could TASTE the energy and the music was just oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz…Oh god, it’s happening again!”

Lancers fans state that the issue happened after a goal by Boughton late in the fourth quarter as the house lights went multi colored and started a strobe effect, the music was cranked, smoke started flooding over the field and suddenly everyone was vigorously throwing around their bodies to Untz Untz by Dimitri Vegas, Like Mike, Vini Vici and Liquid Soul.

“It…. it was absolutely kicking off,” stated Lancers head coach Doug Miller. “Just wall to wall bangers. We were at the beck and call of DJ Key-Yo. Lancer Louie was bopping by with a lineup of Lancers glowsticks and pacifiers. I thought DJ Key-YO made a mistake transitioning into Quiet Storm, but then we went right on into Do Bad Well and the whole coaching staff was out on the field just getting wild and windmilling around with waterbottles.”

Fans say that the line between the music and the feeling temporarily evaporated into a sweaty heaving mass of humanity that all breathed until the drop came, but researchers indicate that the rave lasted for no longer than 45 minutes.

Sources with the MASL indicate that the game will be called 6-5 to the Baltimore Blast as the league denied that anything untoward happened.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue to monitor the raves in the MASL for the influence of Acid House and Goa Trance.