Nashville SC Fan Prepares Herself For A Lifetime Of Being Subjected To The Whims Of MLS Referees

Nashville, TN - Nashville SC fan Rhonda Sims stated that she is currently preparing herself for a lifetime of being subjected to the whims of Major League Soccer (MLS) referees.

Image by Okan Caliskan

“Now bear in mind that USL referees are just awful as well and until you’ve experienced the terrible nature of MLS referees with the lack of coverage of the USL you haven’t experienced anything,” stated Ms. Sims to The Nutmeg News. “But I’m really trying to balance out my chakra and allow awareness of the upcoming lifetime of anger to slowly envelop my soul.”

Ms. Sims stated that she spent the last two weeks trying visualization exercises to allow her to experience the tragic sense of ennui that comes with the 14th poorly refereed game that she will watch this year.

“All things flow from the great magnet,” stated Ms. Sims. “I can see the call, I weep for the call, I process the call, I angrily tweet to no one in particular, I angrily post on Facebook, I complain to people I barely know about the call, I feel the feelings of grief, I process this grief, and I do it all over again. Visualization allows us to stimulate the creative subconscious and become emotionally stunted towards the future terrible calls in advance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Sims finds that nothing can truly prepare one for the delight of MLS Referees and VAR.

Columbus Crew Fans Warn Young Children Of The Visitation Of Precourt On Crewsmas Eve

Columbus, OH - In Central Ohio folklore, Precourt is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon”, who, during the Crewsmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. This contrasts with Saint Hejduk who rewards the well-behaved with totally rad stoke. Precourt is one of the companions of Commissioner Garber in several regions including Austin, New York, Chicago and Northern Michigan. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated it as having pre-Crewsmas origins.

Precourt and Saint Hejduk visit a Columbus home in 1896 with Teddy Roosevelt smoking a hookah in the background.

In the aftermath of the Crew acquisition in Columbus, the Precourt tradition was prohibited by the Garber regime under the Ohio Front and the Crewsmas Social Party. In the 2017s, Crew fans distributed pamphlets titled “Precourt Is An Evil Man”. Towards the end of the decade, a popular resurgence of Precourt celebrations occurred and continues today.

Precourt carries chains, thought to symbolize the binding of Garber by the unread contract stipulations. He thrashes the chains for dramatic effect. Of more pagan origins are the Business Metrics, bundles of statistical paperwork that Precourt carries and with which he occasionally swats children and adults. The “business metrics” are replaced with a failing market whip in some representations. Sometimes Precourt appears with a sack or a basket strapped to his back; this is to cart off teams for drowning or transport to Austin. Some of the older versions make mention of naughty children being put in the bag and taken away.

Crewsmas is celebrated in parts of Ohio on the first opening game of the season. On the preceding evening, Precourt Night or Precourtnacht, the wicked devil appears on the streets. Sometimes accompanying St. Hejduk and sometimes on his own, Precourt visits homes and business attempting to secretly move them to another state.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Little Timmy Atkinson is told to finish his homework or Precourt will take him to Austin to force him to work on a tech startup that will winnovate the current inefficient methodology of diversified communications.

Loyal Fans Still Waiting For Chicago Fire Social Media Manager To Personally Fix Team Re-Brand

CHICAGO - Despite their daily barrage of soul deadening comments on nearly every post unrelated to the Chicago Fire re-brand, the loyal fans of the Chicago Fire are still waiting for the social media manager of the MLS side to personally fix the problem.

Market Penetration!

“People keep acting like there’s something I can do about it,” stated the manager of @ChicagoFire. “Nearly every single post that has a photo of a new flag or a new kit has a comment about the whole thing. It’s ridiculous.”

For their part, fans state that there’s nowhere else to complain other than the main account of the team as they inundate the account with ribald and witty statements such as, “Ur logo sucks.”

“We expect action and we expect it now,” stated one anonymous Fire fan. “I don’t care who reverses the re-brand, but someone over there needs to do something about it. I want change. I want blood. I also would like the beer to be affordable at Soldier Field and a new signing, but I just want ANY WARM BODY TO CHANGE THIS NOW.”

Despite this blank check issued by the fans, the social media team for the Fire appears to be unwilling to force through dramatic changes via any methodology, even though enabling a staged coup clearly worked for the United States in places like Iran, Nicaragua, Honduras and Panama.

“This isn’t part of our job? How do you expect that we can make this change,” stated the obviously very lazy social media manager. “Do you think that somehow I can make the change and I haven’t?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we wait for the Social Media team to rise up and seize the means of production of those new flags because… c’mon… folks…. c’mon…like… ur logo sucks.

Every Team In The World Looking To Sign Lionel Messi In 2021

Rumors were swirling, this week, that literally every single team in the world is looking to sign Barcelona superstar Lionel Messi in 2021.

Our reporters spoke to a number of staff members involved in teams across North America and it appears that the rumors are indeed true.

"We admit it,” stated Los Angeles Galaxy President Chris Klein. “We would love to have Lionel Messi on our team.”

“Absolutely,” stated Adam Pribyl of Minneapolis City SC. “We would love to see Messi here in Minneapolis.”

“We don’t deny that we would love to try to sign Messi,” stated Ian Russell, head coach of Reno 1868.

According to the world press, it isn’t just teams in the United States, but in places as far flung as Mexico, Uruguay and Quebec that are interested.

“Yes, we would love to sign Messi,” stated Duke Haverforth of the Quebec City Blueboys, an over 40 men’s soccer team in Canada. “We asked Dave if he would give up his number and he even said that he would think about it and Dave doesn’t normally even talk about giving up #10.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to swirl of multiple teams in Major League Soccer looking to sign Lionel Messi.

Boston Welder Absolutely Certain He Knows Exactly What Happened With Ron Jans

Boston, MA - Welder and sports enthusiast Roger Smith stated that he is absolutely certain that he knows exactly what happened with former FC Cincinnati head coach Ron Jans.

“Granted I wasn’t there, didn’t hear about it until a day later, it’s not my team, and I’ve only caught up on all of this by reading Facebook comments and an article on Fox Sports….. but I think it’s pretty clear that ANTIFA CANCEL CULTURE PREVALENT IN THESE COLLEGE SOCCER LEFTISTS HAS CLAIMED ANOTHER VICTIM,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

According to fact checkers for The Nutmeg News, the only people who actually know what happened are the staff and players for FC Cincinnati. Even with that, there are multiple (disputed) stories from multiple people, and it appears that this is a nuanced and sensitive situation with a wide variety of possible scenarios. However, none of this information stopped Mr. Smith from imposing his immediate judgement from a 1 bedroom apartment 870 miles away.

“This kind of culture is the kind that is going to say that I shouldn’t use racial slurs or talk about slavery being great to my subordinates. What good is it being in a position of power if you can’t abuse it by trying to make other people feel like they aren’t human beings,” stated Smith. “It’s not fair that I can’t say racial slurs. I’m gonna say one right now. What are you gonna do about it?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we bail out our reporter for punching Smith in the face.

CONCACAF Awards Point To LAFC For Moral Victory Of Not Losing By That Much Despite Being In Pre-Season

MIAMI - Sources within the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) indicate that the league awarded a point to Los Angeles Football Club after their 2-0 loss to Club León for the achievement of not losing that much despite being in pre-season.

“We thought it was only fair to award LAFC a point for valiantly showing up with their under-trained and scrappy players,” stated one CONCACAF representative. “We know that it’s difficult to play these in form teams from Mexico and we know that LAFC didn’t start playing friendlies until January 25th and we know that they’ve only played four games before they played against León so we decided to equalize things by giving them a sympathy point… you know… for their effort.”

According to the rules of the tournament, LAFC can now advance in multiple ways. CONCACAF stipulated that the team can get an additional point for winning in the stands at home as well as playing valiantly and losing, again.

“If LAFC lose at home but they look like they really tried we can award them another point, and if the fans are able to really win in the stands then we can award an additional point. There’s a lot of ways for the team to earn points other than winning. The game isn’t really about winning anyway. It’s entirely possible that LAFC could advance in the tournament without winning either of their games if they are able to capitalize on all the bonus points available via fan petition,” stated CONCACAF secretary Dwight Evans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans petition to have the moral victory winner of the LAFC v León game in Los Angeles as the CONCACAF Champion for 2020.

MLS Announces Expansion To Doomsday Asteroid

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced, today, a new franchise in the league that will be located on the doomsday asteroid currently hurtling towards the world as a whole.

“We’ve been working with the Asteroid for some time,” stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. “And we are happy to announce that AC 163373 (2002 PZ39) United will be the 31st team in Major League Soccer.”

According to microbial sources on 163373 (2002 PZ39), the final hurdle was the composition of public financing for a stadium on the constantly hurdling piece of space rock.

“There is significant concern among the $#yyyd and the **see3333333 communities that the public financing will take away from our host commitment to the spores in our area. However, our asteroid president Jaque “W^^^^dfep” Roquefort announced today that he felt confident that there was enough money in the spore budget to build the stadium instead of the inter-dimensional hospital we’ve been planning upon for the last 200 centuries.”

League sources are reportedly thrilled as one insider stated, “How many teams does the English Premier League have on an asteroid… Huh? MLS.. LEAGUE OF CHOICE”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the stadium construction stops due to a problem with the location of the stadium in the middle of a gentrifying subdivision of bacterial growth.

Team Built Around The Ethos Of Playing Within The Five Boroughs Of New York City Announce Home Game In New Jersey

Harrison, NJ - A team built around the ethos of playing within the five boroughs of New York City announced today that they would be playing a home game in New Jersey as the search for a stadium that doesn’t cost 10 billion dollars rolls on for the sixth year.

Getty Images

“I know that we built ourselves and our brand around being THE team that plays in New York City, but. …. we… um… look… we already played in Hartford, Connecticut,” stated CEO Brad Sims.

Sources indicate that Red Bull Arena was the only option in the area for the game as the New York City FC communications team quickly attempted to defray the criticism that immediately spawned after word was leaked of the CONCACAF Champions League game.

“Harrison is Blue as well,” stated one staff remember who asked for anonymity. “I just hope that our fans can figure out how to make it out to the stadium via the PATH train. It’s actually quite easy to make it there from the city center.”

According to NYCFC fans, this situation is either a travesty bordering upon treason punishable by death or a completely understandable move based upon necessity.

“I WILL QUIT THIS TEAM AND BURN ALL MY MERCHANDISE TO THE GROUND RATHER THAN STEP ONE FOOT INTO NEW JERSEY,” stated NYCFC fan Gary Lebotair.

“This seems like a reasonable accommodation of our need to play this game. At least we are in the CONCACAF Champions League,” stated NYCFC fan Paula Evans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC fans plan to cross the Hudson River for a home game.

American Writer Abandons Christian Pulisic Article To Focus On Gio Reyna

NEW YORK - American soccer writer Brent Douglas abandoned his Christian Pulisic article about the recent injury setback of the Chelsea Player to focus his efforts on building the legend of Gio Reyna.

Titling his article, “The Future King: Gio Reyna,” Douglas waxed rhapsodic about the 18 year old after watching a replay of his goal scored on the 4th of February 2020.

“This young man has the potential to lead the United States into a new level of glory,” stated Douglas as he copied the words he previously wrote for Pulisic over to the Reyna article.

“In his feet lie the manifest destiny that will propel the United States into pure global footballing dominance.”

With a literary hook now written that is destined to be utilized as an enlarged quote in the piece, Douglas focused on finding out all the information he could about the player that he didn’t really know much about until his wondergoal against Bremen.

“I knew he was the son of Claudio,” stated Douglas. “But what I didn’t know is that the United States will win the world cup in a few years with his leadership. LONG LIVE THE NEW GREAT HOPE OF THE UNITED STATES, again.”

Douglas tried to temper his excitement somewhat as he teased his upcoming piece on Reyna by tweeting, “Has the United States found the new Pele, Messi or Ronaldo?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next United States youth international that scores in Europe will also receive this treatment.

OPINION: "Did You See That Ludicrous Display Last Night?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Steve Williams of Los Angeles, CA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Williams do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

“So, everyone…. Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Shanahan thinking sending um…….Gropooloo um.. on early. You know, the thing about the 49ers is that they always try to walk it in! Well, you know I’ve been a 49ers fan most of my life but I have family that are Chieftans fans so it’s great for me no matter what.

It’s like when Bob Bradley was forced to put Mark-Anthony Kaye on the field after Latif Blessing had to come off due to injury. You know that Bradley didn’t adjust to the way in which the Sounders were disrupting the gameplan. You could say that Raul Ruidiaz is really just the same as.. um….. Mayhomes.

Did you know that BOTH of the owners of the teams in the game have stakes in Major League Soccer franchises? There’s probably a team near you that you could follow. Plus the NWSL is, well, mostly near you.

Have you ever been to a game? Well if you went to a game it would change your mind. Trust me, it’s much cheaper than an NFL game. Look, I’m not saying it’s better. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying it’s different. And Better. Trust me. Hey, look at this goal from the Premier League. Oh, what team do YOU support? You should just pick a team. Did we talk about that Mayhomes supports Sporting Kansas City? Well, a sporting is just like a collect… no… look… it’s like um an athletic club. Yeah… well… no I don’t know if they play more sports. Yes, it might be membership driven. Anyway…. Well I’m excited for 2020, personally. Oh yeah, and instead of talking about the game last night, which really was a ludicrous display, how about that halftime show! Oh yeah, and those commercials, some of which were really grea….er…. terrible… yeah… terrible. Anyway…..

Anyone ready for some Futbol?”

Major League Soccer Considers Moving Nashville SC To Austin

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that the league is considering moving Nashville SC to Austin, Texas after running into an impasse with the construction of the stadium for the new franchise.

“Not good… not good at all!”

“Between this and the lack of local interest the league is just considering moving the team,” stated one MLS insider. “There’s a lot of problems they didn’t expect with Nashville and they figure that all of those problems will be fixed by a bunch of young people with money who live in Austin. Those people don’t care how they get a team, and now they can have two!”

Sources indicate that there is another team that will start soon in Austin but according to our sources this detail will not stop the move from happening.

“They will just have two teams in the area. Financial surveys indicate that there is a wealth of wealth in Austin and the league plans on getting some of that wealth. Plus what’s the worst thing that happens…. they destroy a wetlands to build a stadium? No one is going to care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville SC continues to soar.

Researchers Work On Turning Useless Outrage Over Kit Leaks Into A Useful Power Supply For Developing Countries

Cambridge, MA - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) are reportedly working on turning useless outrage over the 2020 MLS Kit leaks into a useful power supply for developing countries around the world.

Just imagine all the children in Eritrea who may benefit from the unending twitter and facebook complaints over this kit!

“If we are able to channel all this angst, anger and useless rage over kit releases into something tangible, why we might be able to solve some of the world power issues,” stated MIT researcher Sandra Yang. “We know that there is almost an inexhaustible source of angst that exists and all that we need to do is harness this to service some kind of good in the world.”

Supporters across Major League Soccer are encouraged to really just let fly with all their complaints as they traditionally do this time of year as they are reminded to really think about the people without power or clean water in places like Haiti, Libya or the Sudan as they talk about subtle details and color schemes that they dislike.

“Please continue to vent about the three stripes on the shoulder,” stated Professor Yang. “Your complaint about corporate branding may bring relief to communities that you can’t even imagine provided we can figure out a way to turn your unending complaints into an actual power supply.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Yang admits that she and other researchers hope that Adidas continues to create kits for Major League Soccer so that their source of complaints doesn’t dry up.

"It's Only January And I'm Almost Too Numb To Give A Shit," States Soccer Supporter

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Wilson Evans expressed his exasperation with the world at large as he claimed, “It’s only January and I’m almost too numb to give a shit.”

NEVER A BAD TIME TO BE BUMMED OUT BY WHAT ROCKETS OUT OF YOUR CELLPHONE INTO YOUR BRAIN!

Furrowing his brows and rubbing his temples, the soccer fan admitted that between all the political maneuvering, the sense of fatalism that grips the Impeachment proceedings, the growing pandemic in China, the Australian fires, the Hong Kong protests, the continuing and growing divide between political factions, the scandals with the local D.C. council government, the inability of his paycheck to go up despite the increase in the cost of living, the rising costs of medical care, and the eternal, unending tenure of Jason Levien, Steve Kaplan and Ben Olsen that he really is at the limit to care about anything at this point.

“I’m supposed to be excited about the standing section,” stated Evans in a monotone voice as he kept glancing at the phone in his hand. “So, yeah. Anyway, um. What was I talking about?”

According to the statistics on his phone, the amount of hours Evans looks into the box of depression increased steadily over the last six months as he curiously ignores television shows and movies that he plays for himself at home in order to focus on whatever unbelievably awful news comes out of the screen of the iPhone in his hand.

“I saw a Red Bulls fan the other day when I was driving and I just didn’t give a shit. I thought about yelling something… you know… fuck yourself or something, but honestly I’ve got Uber, Lyft and Grubhub stickers on my car and I need to work these extra jobs if I’m going to afford some tickets this year.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as an exasperated Evans sits at his coffee table and tries to rack his brain for any way he could possibly make more money or correct his life to some kind of existence where he doesn’t just watch Youtube travel channels and dream of something different.

Soccer Fan Now One Collection Of Empty Bags Away From Being A Hoarder

Detroit, MI - Between his collection of Detroit City team scarves, patches, memorabilia and his collection of various items from different teams across the world, soccer fan David Hughes admitted that he is really one collection of empty bags away from being a hoarder.

“Over here are my bins of scarves that I collected from teams in England organized by current division,” stated Hughes to our reporter as he pushed by a pile of team kits, signed programs and boxes full of bobbleheads. “And under my bed is one of the few places where…. oh… wait, this is where I put that supply of scarves that I didn’t like much but I bought in bulk anyway. It’s my job to save these things. Museums are going to want them. Look, over here… um…. somewhere….. is a collection of ticket stubs from some games back in 2014.”

Hughes said that he has been collecting different items for nearly 11 years as he started his addiction by acquiring a scarf from Preston North End back in 2009.

“It started with the thought that I should buy one from every team I visited. Then I decided I could just buy the ones that I liked. And then I thought I should definitely buy all the scarves from all the teams in England. Then I started buying scarves from teams in North America. Then I thought I was done but Detroit City FC started up and I kicked into overdrive by acquiring anything that had their logo on it, which wasn’t that much when it first started.”

Hughes stated that he actually doesn’t know exactly what he has in his one bedroom apartment as he frequently finds another tote of items that he didn’t remember buying over the past few years.

“I went through a phase of collecting bobbleheads, but I didn’t remember all the ephemera I started picking up like MLS Cereal boxes, random giveaways and that gigantic El Jimador MLS Tequila in-store display. I’m probably one collection of plastic bags away from being a hoarder,” stated Hughes with a laugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a flushed Hughes digs himself out of an avalanche of merchandise that buried him for 2 hours under a collection of totes that contain a litany of clear plastic bags branded with team logos.

Against Modern Football T-Shirt Added To Online Shopping Cart As Atlanta United Fan Crams 10 Year Existential Crisis Into 1 Off-Season

Atlanta, GA - The loss of Julian Gressel to D.C. United crammed a typical 10 year existential crisis that all soccer fans attempt to slowly numb with alcohol into one off-season for Atlanta United fan Joseph Wainright as he added an Against Modern Football t-shirt to the online shopping cart on Amazon.

“I really feel like I’ve packed in 10 years of being a fan over the past off-season or two,” stated Wainright to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve gone from feeling like my team is a club and a family to realizing that everyone is out for themselves and that my fandom is really a cosmic blip in a gigantic corporate machine dedicated towards profit. When Darlington Nagbe, Yamil Asad and now Julian Gressel leave doesn’t this show that our fandom of players is essentially meaningless and there’s no point in really anything?”

Wainright stated that he truly believed that Atlanta United was fostering a different connection between the players and the team and the fans and the town right before the loss of Julian Gressel pushed him over the edge into a numb and frustrated malaise that made him question what he was even really doing here in the first place and is this really any different than being a fan of the Falcons?

“I don’t know man,” stated Wainright as he picked at the corner of the fringe on his 2019 scarf. “I thought this sport was different somehow. The fans are real, but I thought it was going to be different. You know, something where we would feel a connection with the players and the team. Whatever this new stuff is I am against it, even if this is how most sports fans feel on any given day.”

Despite his dangerous flirtation with hindsight, Wainright indicated that he was coming to terms with the process.

“There’s only so many times that your favorite players and coaches can leave a team before you realize that they don’t mean anything anyway. I probably shouldn’t take this game so seriously this season, honestly,” stated Wainright as he drained another Hoplanta.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an apoplectic and raving Wainright curses out Julian Gressel and Carlos Bocanegra at the same time for the entirety of Gressel’s return visit to Atlanta.

15 Year Old WunderKid Signed By Toronto FC Really Highlights How Lazy Your Kid Is Being This Week

Experts say that the signing of 15 year old WunderKid Jahkeele Marshall-Rutty by Toronto FC is just another reminder of how lazy your shithead 15 year old is being this week.

“This signing is a perfect example of working hard and talent coalescing into one singular opportunity,” stated Dr. Larry Edmunds with the Koop Institute. “While your child is coming home from schools pulling a C average sitting on the couch too lazy to make pizza rolls and trying to figure out whether they are going to play fortnite or just pretend to watch YouTube videos while scrolling Instagram on their phone.”

Statistics released by the Koop Institute show that your kid is actually 200% lazier than Marshall-Rutty just by the fact that they doesn’t have a singular passion that they care about.

“Yes, in fact many parents think they are going to pass their passions along to their child when in fact all they do is pass on their un-diagnosed neurosis,” stated Dr. Edmunds. “I can guarantee that while Marshall-Rutty was hiring an agent that your kid was trying to figure out if they could watch a censored video on youtube without having it show up in their watch history.”

Other parents indicate that this is true as they castigated your kid for, “being a shiftless layabout looking for the system to help them,” as they told their own kids to, “figure FAFSA out on your own like I had to do.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as your kid already starts needling you about requiring a vacation to get rid of all the stress in their life right after you get home from the 12 hour shift you worked for the third day in a row.

Experts Indicate That Positive Chat Interactions During Youtube Stream Of NWSL Draft Just Further Proof Of The Coming End Days

NEW YORK - Experts with the Kato Kaelin Institute Of Climatology state that the recent positive chat interactions during the Youtube stream of the NWSL Draft are further proof of the coming end days of the world in general.

ANARCHY!

“People on a Youtube chat discussing facts and details in a positive matter are a clear sign of the end of the world,” stated scientist Dana Worther. “Many people look to the changing global climate as the proof, but we know that the canary in the coal mine can often be the polite nature of people online.”

Sources indicate that the NWSL Youtube draft chat was mostly positive in tone which freaked nearly everyone out that was online at that time as they continued to stare in disbelief and horror at the generally informative and kind interactions.

“This is like when everyone is kind to someone who is slowly being treated for a terminal cancer,” stated one veteran internet user. “I personally advise everyone to IMMEDIATELY start storing water, work on your animal snares and gathering, and prepare for the times when we hunt each other for sport in the underground thunderdome near the core of the earth.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we prepare for the great conflagration by fortifying our offices with barricades made out of discarded Washington Freedom merchandise.

Boston Breakers Still Required To Select Player In Third Round Of NWSL Draft

Baltimore, MD - News from sources in the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) indicate that the now defunct Boston Breakers will be required to select a player in the third round of the NWSL draft regardless of their current operational status.

“Yes, they don’t exist,” stated one league insider. “However, we don’t have a commissioner or president to control these situations so at this point we need a representative from the Breakers to choose a player or trade some assets.”

Reports indicate that former head coach Matt Beard will make a selection via video conference and attempt to trade the player to another team that is still functioning as a team..

“There’s a lot of players out there that could do some damage either on the soccer field or around the house to help with a ADU renovation,” stated the insider to our reporter. “If they can’t trade her to a team like the Pride the least they could do is utilize her to help frame out the living room and install the insulation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Breakers are offered allocation money for the player they draft.

AdvoCare ReHydrate Supporter Swears Off Major League Soccer After BODYARMOR Announcement

Dallas, TX - Stuart Anderson of Dallas reportedly spent the afternoon burning all his Major League Soccer merchandise after the announcement that Major League Soccer would be abandoning AdvoCare ReHydrate for BODYARMOR as the official sports drink of Major League Soccer.

BODYARMOR! Brought to you by useless ingredients, generic unverified claims and a celebrity endorsement that means literally nothing! TRY THIS BULLSHIT TODAY! WOOOOOO CAPITALISM!

“THE M IN MLS STANDS FOR MONEY,” stated Anderson as he contacted the fellow members of his ReHydrate Ultras supporters group. “We support the league and unfettered capitalism we spend all our time and energy on T.I.F.O, songs, and chants for ReHydrate and after four years MLS unceremoniously dumps ARH to the curb? I don’t think so. This is some bullshit!”

Anderson was so infuriated by the decision to not renew the contract with Advocare that he filmed an Instagram story as he lit his MLS AdvoCare merchandise on fire in the front driveway of his home.

“They will never have this fan back again,” stated Anderson. I cannot support any organization that would overlook my unrestrained devotion to Advocare ReHydrate. No true MLS fan would support BODYARMOR. It doesn’t even make any sense. It doesn’t say ReHydrate. I don’t want Armor, I want to ReHydrate.”

In the mean time, members of the ReHydrate Ultras Supporters Group started a petition to reinstate AdvoCare ReHydrate as the full time sponsor of Major League Soccer as they begin a boycott on any new products created by the BODYARMOR group.

“We must stand together and support AdvoCare in this trying time. If we won’t think of the corporation who will. Screw the greedy players and greedy commissioner. They are all off stuffing their face with the profits from their dalliance with this shameful product. We MUST as a country take care of our multi level marketing companies because otherwise who will sell sugar water to 13 year olds and invite former high school classmates to legging and beauty supply workshops in the future if they disappear? BRING BACK REHYDRATE! CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Gatorade Coalition challenges the ReHydrate Ultras to a battle royal sponsored by Amway.

NWSL Announces That Draft Tributes Will Again Battle For Golden Contract In 8th Annual Hunger Games As The Reaping Starts This Thursday

CHICAGO - From the balcony overlooking The Capital of the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL), the pot of geraniums currently running the league as the Lifetime President and Commissioner announced that the draft tributes will again battle for a golden contract as the 8th edition of the NWSL Hunger Games begins with The Reaping, this Thursday.

Picture of the NWSL Commissioner in happier times.

“HAPPY HUNGER GAMES,” stated Commissioner Geranium. “And may the odds be EVER in your favor! It is that special time of year when The Reaping will select our contractually obligated draft tributes who will battle for their districts in arenas across this nation for a golden contract as a national team player during the 2021 season. Some of you may starve, others may find your enjoyment of this sport perish, and some of you may be subject to a ritualistic blood letting when you try to nutmeg Jess Fishlock. Welcome to The NWSL Hunger Games”

The commissioner also announced an additional prize for this edition of the NWSL Hunger Games as they stated, “The winner of the 8th edition of the NWSL Hunger Games will have a chance to join the class action lawsuit against the US Soccer Federation. Not everyone in this country gets to sit through lengthy and tedious arbitration procedures as they watch lawyers from their own federation attempt to show that they are actually over compensated and ungrateful. Long time fans of the NWSL Hunger Games should not be worried, however, as we are continuing with our traditions we established since the dark days following the fall of the WPS. Tributes will still be required to figure out innovative ways to eat and drink as they attempt to navigate an entire season on $20,000. This is called the Hunger Games for a reason.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this anticipation builds in District 5 that their tribute will be selected first.