Thrilled Caleb Porter Frowns In Excitement As Nagbe Acquisition Confirmed

Columbus, OH - A thrilled Caleb Porter reportedly frowned in excitement as the Darlington Nagbe acquisition by the Columbus Crew was announced on Wednesday.

It’s a celebration collage!

“He thought about smirking,” stated one Crew insider. “But then he attempted to force a smirk which turned into a frown which turned into a stare and I had to leave the room.”

Reporters state that a scowling and perpetually deadpan Porter stated, “I’m thrilled, anything else?”

Other people covering the acquisition press conference stated that Porter appeared to be in high spirits as he lifted his mood from embattled to wishing he was literally anywhere else in the world.

“That was easily the best press conference we’ve seen since he came to Columbus,” stated Dispatch journalist Roger Danvers. “He just sat their blinking and frowning in what was clearly unrestrained glee.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter celebrates the Nagbe deal by cancelling all non-mandatory press conferences until the first of the year.

General Manager About To Screw Up 2020 Season As Trade Window Opens

NEW YORK - Anonymous reports from within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that a general manager is about to screw up the 2020 season with his trades, acquisitions and signings as the MLS trade window opens.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…………… what a bad decision THAT was.

“Oh boy, this is going to be a shit show,” stated one insider who has access to privileged information. “This is definitely going to mess up the team this year.”

According to journalists, they’ve heard a number of different trade and player movement rumors, but nothing yet to ascertain which general manager is going to mess up the season.

“We hear a lot of things, but you know it always comes down to the players on the field. That’s why general managers and technical directors will outlast a lot of bad player personnel decisions,” stated Jim Davids of The New Athletic Times Of Lower Uncton And Chicago. “I’ve got a few guesses, but I’m going to just see how things shake out.”

For their part, our sources within the league indicate they are certain that this team is royally screwed for 2020 as they state, “You haven’t seen the numbers, you haven’t seen the trades or the proposed acquisitions. Trust us, these supporters are screwed and their team is a dead man walking.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans blame players and the coach instead.

Seattle Sounders Advance To Play LAFC In MLS Cup Champions Cup Best Of Three Series

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Sounders defeated Toronto Football Club, today, as they earned the right to play Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) in the MLS Cup Champions Cup.

MLS executives announced that the newly created MLS Cup Champions Cup has the winner of MLS Cup face off against a team picked by Major League Soccer in a best of three home-away-home de-facto league championship for the season.

"It’s important that the best team in league history have a chance to win MLS Cup or the MLS Cup Champions Cup,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “Our competition mechanisms will always have to evolve and we find that the fair way for all teams involved means that some teams will have multiple opportunities to be winners in our league.”

According to team insiders, the Sounders and their coaching staff found this information out in a champagne soaked dressing room as owner Adrian Hanauer was dispatched to inform the team that they had three more games to play.

“The tournament will give home field advantage to the best team over the course of the season,” stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. “In order to emphasize the season long accomplishments of LAFC they will be given two home games during this three game series. We feel this will showcase their brilliant fanbase and give them the best chance of winning the MLS Cup Champions Cup.”

For their part, the Sounders executive staff was, publicly, thrilled by this news as they stated that fans who purchased tickets for MLS Cup would have first choice to purchase tickets for the MLS Cup Champions Cup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as there’s gotta be one more way for LAFC to have a crack at the championship this season.

Cogent Point Ruined By Utilization Of The Word, "Offsides"

TORONTO - A cogent point about the tactics of the upcoming MLS Cup game against Seattle Sounders was reportedly sullied when Toronto FC fan Phil McKenzie used the word, “offsides,” as he described Jozy Altidore, Alejandro Pozuelo, and the duty of an offensive player to stretch the field and push the back line.

The rules of the game clearly states offsides is caused by the bro not being with his bros.

“We were talking about the upcoming game and everything was going along fine,” stated good friend Rahim Wood. “Suddenly Phil said something about their, ‘offsides stats,’ and we thought he was pulling our leg. I am shocked to say that he wasn’t pulling our leg.”

Friends who overheard the conversation stated that Wood stopped McKenzie immediately and started laughing while stating, “good one…. offsides,” as McKenzie stared at him blankly and continued onward using the word offsides three more times.

“YOU CAN ONLY BE ON OR OFF SIDE,” ranted an irate Barbara Taylor. “This isn’t an option, this is ignorance. I don’t care what he said. Just the fact that he used THAT word means that whatever he said should be ignored. I won’t even continue with this conversation.”

For his part, Wood stated that he would end his friendship with McKenzie as he stated, “What else is he hiding? What else? Who actually says offsides?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we talk about the correct usage of the word golazo.

Concerned With Lack Of Ticket Sales For Canada Game, USSF Raises Prices

CHICAGO - Concerned with the lack of ticket sales for the upcoming game against Canada in the vaunted CONCACAF Nations League, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced that they would be raising prices to spur people to buy more.

“I’d buy a beer in the stadium but It’s either that or being able to pay for my cell phone bill.”

“We received the message loud and clear,” stated Dan Lewis, spokesman for the USSF. “As of Saturday morning we will be raising the prices of all tickets by 20% and increasing the price of the supporters section by 50%. This increased price sale will hopefully drive a full and passionate stadium to help us progress in the CONCACAF Nations League…. or Cup….. or wait… no… it’s definitely League, I think. Right? Can someone check and see if this is the Nations Cup or the Nations League? Because League makes no sense whatsoever….. It’s League? LEAGUE? Well, hell.”

According to insiders with the federation, the poor ticket numbers was blamed on the lack of ticket value from a perception standpoint as federation executives advocated for a more restricted clubhouse feel to the stands.

“No one here thinks that the USMNT is cool anymore,” stated one league executive. “In order to be cool you have to be exclusive, and in order to be exclusive you should be expensive. Cheap tickets lead to cheap fans and we would rather have 10,000 expensive fans than 15,000 cheap ones. The United States has long had the ambition of winning the CONCACAF Nations League since we came up with it approximately 6 months ago. We want to win this in front of our passionate fanbase who can afford the ticket prices that we set for this competition we invented that will be abandoned as soon as we can come up with a money making opportunity with CONCACAF and CONMEBOL.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USSF federation blames the lack of home field advantage on the fans.

Woman With No Free Time Would Really Like To Be More Involved In Supporters Group

Philadelphia, PA - Phildelphia Union fan Fran Kazakou stated that she would, “really like to be more involved in the supporters group,” for the Union while also privately admitting that she has very little free time to herself anymore to her friend Theresa Williams.

“Oh god, did I forget to turn off the space heater next to the scarves?”

“I’d love to be able to help,” stated Kazakou to Ben Brode, a fellow supporter with the Sons Of Ben. “Just let me know what you need and I’ll see what I can do.”

According to friends, Kazakou is frightfully busy as every single moment of her day is planned out from getting her daughter to school, to working, to making dinner, to helping with homework, to trying to keep up with things around the house, to learning to knit in the evenings in order to make inexpensive Christmas Presents this year (again) and attempting to keep up with the stories of her friends voluminously shared on Marco Polo.

“I don’t know how she does it,” stated good friend Stacy Anderson. “I’m up to my ears in soccer practice and trying to just not fall apart at the end of the day and she has to do it all herself.”

According to her fellow fans, however, none of this has kept Kazakou from offering her completely impossible services to any kind of project they have available.

“She came in power loading some kind of Turkish coffee from a hydro flask,” stated Union fan Carlos Villareal. “She kept on asking about helping with some of the paperwork we need for an upcoming charity initiative so I gave her some of the things we need to do.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kazakou tries to knit, blog, review some homework, fix the seal on her refrigerator door and review some filing for paperwork for her job while slowly sinking into the corner of her apartment as she stares blankly at the wall and thinks about buying a camper van that she can turn into a tiny house and, “how bad would it be to pull Stella out of school anyway?”

League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named Orders Fans To Stop Making Videos About League

NEW YORK - The “League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named (LTMNBN) announced yesterday that they would be prosecuting fans who make un-permitted videos about the LTMNBN..

“We will be severely litigating our passionate fans,” stated some guy who has too much time on his hands.. “Our fans have no rights to this league, players or content either in digital form or not. It is entirely illegal to attempt to make a video of the action or players within this league unless you pay REDACTED thousands of dollars.”

According to fans of LTMNBN teams, the potential prosecution of their videos will stop any creative ideas they had going forward.

“I was going to make a season recap that I would share with my friends on Facebook, but I guess the league doesn’t want that word of mouth,” stated one anonymous fan of THAT-ONE-TEAM.

“I usually put together videos of players from the national team, but even that is probably going to be out of bounds now if it contains any footage of teams in REDACTED or possibly even US Soccer because of their ties with REDACTED,” stated Jimmy Williams, a 10 year supporter of THAT-OTHER-TEAM.

“My project covering REDACTED and REDACTED, next year, is officially cancelled. I guess I can finally spend the time on a healthier obsession,” stated another anonymous fan of ANOTHER-TEAM.

For their part, the League-That-Must-Not-Be-Named stated that they weren’t looking to punish fans as they stated, “We are just trying to ensure that we control the video quality of all games in REDACTED. We are turning over all control of all future videos to the group that is currently quarter-assing their effort at making and distributing game recap videos for the past few years. Hopefully the video group are going to take this as a challenge and actually make something that people want to watch.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as branded content videos that show a lot of slow motion cuts and avoid any mention of any kind of controversy eventually come a few months later to a website near you….. but not available on other internet websites immediately because you gotta drive traffic to a place where you control the advertising revenue… RIGHT?!

Atlanta United Fan Working Through Stages Of Grief After Reading Internet Player Rumors

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Delmond Harris stated that he was going through all the stages of grief at the potential loss of Darlington Nagbe based upon the rumors that swirled around due to the sale of his house and the tweet of Joe Patrick, a reporter for 92.9 The Game.

“I’m heading to acceptance,” stated Harris to The Nutmeg News. “I was upset and angry at first, but now I’m just glad that I got his jersey while I could even though this is all based on an online rumor.”

Harris was reportedly browsing the internet this weekend for all the content he missed after the Atlanta United game against Toronto FC when he fell down the rabbit hole of Patrick’s tweet and rumors that had Nagbe recently selling his Atlanta house.

“I couldn’t believe it, just can’t believe it,” stated Harris as he shook his head. “To see that someone else is reporting that other players in the locker room may have been saying goodbye or just giving innocent hugs and then seeing some people saying that his house may have been sold is just a stab in the heart.”

With no information coming out of Atlanta United or Major League Soccer, the official mourning for the Atlanta United career of Nagbe by Harris will have to wait, but he stated that he expects to be completely numb by the time it happens.

“I don’t know… I just feel like whether that happens in one month or three that I’m going to be fine with it because I’ve already made my peace with the situation based upon these rumors….. although I hope he stays, but now I don’t know if I want someone to stay who may or may not be planning on leaving unless he isn’t leaving in which case I want him to stay except that makes me confused and I’m just going to pretend like I’m fine with him leaving because he’s probably leaving and… well…. damn.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harris mood changes as another rumor report tries to add context to the other rumors he has seen so that he ends up just being over the whole thing anyway.

Sounders Fans Advocate For Their Right To Have The Opportunity To Boo The President

Seattle, WA - Sounders fans in Seattle were reportedly working hard to advocate for the opportunity to boo President Donald Trump in person, like Washington Nationals fans, as they decried the lack of opportunity to tell the President of the United States what they felt.

“It isn’t fair that baseball fans get all the fun,” stated Fiona Williams of Ballard. “The America I want gives me the opportunity and right to boo the President at my teams championship game whether that game is the WNBA, Major League Baseball, the National Hockey League, Major League Soccer or the Overwatch League Finals.”

Some Sounders fans reportedly created an advocacy group called, “Mandate President Trump’s Attendance So That We Can Tell Him To Go Home,” as they worked feverishly to bring soccer in the United States up to the level of the national pastime.

“We would like to ensure that the President attends MLS Cup so that we could all roundly tell him that we do NOT want him to attend MLS Cup” stated Gerald Andross of Queen Anne. “It is important that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole. We believe that booing the president SHOULD be allowed, encouraged and mandated between ALL fans of ALL sports. This shouldn’t be available to simple members of the Bourgeoisie elite who pay for their gilded seats at the World Series. Booing the president should be available to the proletariat who attend the NBA Finals, the Super Bowl, MLS Cup, the National Finals Rodeo and the XFL Toilet Bowl brought to you by Dave’s Plumbing of Madison Wisconsin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans continue to complain about the perks that baseball fans receive.

MLS Explores "Pundits Pick" Option For Future MLS Cup Finalists

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Major League Soccer (MLS) is exploring adding a Pundits Pick option for future MLS Cup Finalists after Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC), Atlanta United, and New York City Football Club (NYCFC) were knocked out of the playoffs early.

“And it looks like the result of this game has been nullified according to the pundits pick, the loser will go through because of the following stepover montage”

“The Pundits Pick would allow the experts who cover Major League Soccer to select one team from all the playoff teams to compete for MLS Cup in the final,” stated one league insider. “This solves the problem of the prohibitive league favorite and pundits favorite team being knocked out before they make the final.”

Sources indicate that the solution came about after league pundits were upset that the top seeds were knocked out before making it to the final.

“We, the pundits and experts, know which team is better and we know that it isn’t solved by the result of playoff games,” stated one anonymous pundit. “Everyone knows that you don’t crown a champion by having them play the games but by the eyeball test of how they were playing back in July or June. There’s no point having playoffs if all that happens is that the team we love loses. That’s why we, the pundits, should be able to void the result of one game and advance whatever team we want to the finals.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as league pundits lobby to use this new option immediately.

Offseason Group Therapy Session Cancelled After Supporters Can't Agree On Time, Place, Therapist Or Name

WASHINGTON - A proposed peace building group therapy session between different members of D.C. United’s supporters groups was reportedly cancelled after the supporters couldn’t agree on a time, place, therapist or name for the group.

“I told everyone that true United fans use Dr. Feldman and only fucking front office, boot kissing shills would use Dr. Allen,” stated one anonymous D.C. United fan.

Speaking individually to our reporter, long time fans indicate that the therapy session was supposed to work out the differences between different groups in the supporters section but fell apart due to acrimony over literally every single decision.

“Some of this goes back to the time 14 years ago when Bob wouldn’t listen to the Carlos about some Eskandarian display he wanted to do. This is some old blood shit,” stated one fan who refused to be identified.

“I wasn’t going to go to therapy if the group was called United Together Eagles For Change” stated one fan who identified himself via emails as RFKOldHead. “This was a deliberate attempt to sabotage all the gains we built during the mediation sessions over whether this would be a Freudian therapy session, primal scream therapy, or perhaps some kind of Ayahuasca ceremony in a specialty built Quonset hut on the field in RFK Stadium.”

Arguments reportedly broke out immediately over the date as the groups had different opinions on the availability of members and whether Friday was a good day to do anything with the weekend coming up.

“MONDAY IS A DAY FOR DICKHEADS,” read a particularly sternly worded email that was allegedly sent around to the leaders of the Monday Movement Society, a paramilitary organization dedicated to decentralized therapy and spreading the blame.

With talks breaking down, fans say they are returning to their regular online and in-person sniping at each other as leaders work towards another tense peace.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as dream journals are passed out to all season ticket holders in the supporters group section.

Orlando City Fan Finally Unburdens Herself From This Season In Instagram Comments

Orlando, FL - Lacking any other alternative to talk about her frustrations, Orlando City fan Stephanie Halmon unburdened herself in the Instagram comments of an Orlando City post from earlier this month.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” stated Halmon to The Nutmeg News. “I was scrolling back through the posts and I had to vent all my frustration.”

Halmon stated that she finds it difficult to actually have a conversation with other soccer fans as they either talk over her or just ignore what she is saying.

“It’s just easier to really vent on Instagram,” stated the 32 year old CNA from Orlando. “I saw that picture of James O’Connor and I finally had enough.”

According to people who follow the account, what followed by Halmon was a diatribe the like of which would get her blocked by the official account if they actually went through their comments to read them as Halmon laid out all the frustrations she felt over the last few years.

“I finally feel light again,” stated Halmon as she posted another dagger in the comments section of an Orlando City post on Facebook. “I just was carrying so much negativity from the season. It was starting to poison anything that had to do with sports. Now I feel like I can really start enjoying the next season as soon as the front office unblocks me from Twitter.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Halmon starts posting harsh commentary to the Orlando City Instagram account again after 10 minutes of the first game of 2020.

Investigation Launched Into, "Never LAFCer," Fans Who Allegedly Bought Tickets To Embarrass True Fans

LOS ANGELES - After Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) lost the Western Conference Semi-Final 3-1 amid a shower of garbage, beers, and debris on the field, 32 of the 968 owners of the franchise including Lead Managing Owner Larry Berg and Co-Managing Owner Brandon Beck and Co-Managing Owner Bennett Rosenthal and Executive Chairman And Owner Peter Guber and President and Owner Tom Penn and Vice-Chairman and Owner Henry Nguyen and Director and Owner Ruben Gnanalingam and Director and Owner Vincent Tan and Owner Will Ferrell and Owner Tony Robbins and Owner Mia Hamm Garciaparra and Owner Earvin Johnson and Owner Chad Hurley all announced that they would launch an investigation into the purported, “Never LAFCer,” fans who allegedly bought tickets to the event in order to embarrass the home fans by throwing trash on the field.

Rimando clearly brought the beer himself to embarrass LAFC fans and had a plant in the stands!

“Yesterday’s Never LAFCer fans could NOT be true LAFC fans,” stated the assigned spokesman for the LAFC ownership group. “How come they (including the ESPN) found NOTHING about true LAFC fans when they looked at the footage?”

According to a released statement, the owners of LAFC indicated that their true fans were, “Not at fault for the display in the stands and the actions that were clearly a part of a rogue state operation by Soros funded operatives from Seattle and agitated ANTIFA leftists that infiltrated the stands with the help of Galaxy fans from CARSON.”

The spokesman for LAFC indicated that, “Never LAFCer fans were seen by our true LAFC fans throwing garbage onto the field. We know it, they know it and when we spoke to our fans they indicated that no true LAFC fan would do such a thing. There are 18 1/2 minutes of missing footage from the security cameras. Does this not bother anyone else here? Our true fans responded well to this loss. It was the best loss. The response was the best response. The most humble. A perfect response to a loss.”

After reporters asked questions about previous escapades of throwing debris and trash onto the field from last year, the response was a vehement denial by the LAFC spokesman as he stated, “Look at Orlando City. Look at Columbus. Look at Sporting Kansas City. These are all places where this takes place. They send their worst to us in order to embarrass the greatest team in the league. We will investigate and we will find the truth.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this LAFC appoints a task force to investigate the task force investigating the rogue state fans.

USWNT Fans Criticize New Coach Vlatko Andonovski For Tactics And Player Selections

NEW YORK - Despite only being officially appointed approximately 60 minutes ago, head coach Vlatko Andonovski was roundly criticized on Twitter and online forums for his lack of tactics and player selections by fans of the United States Women’s National Team.

WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME!

“How could he let HAO retire?” screamed Carla Whethersby of Staten Island. “HAO. HAO. HAO. HAO? Has he seen NOTHING from this team over the past few years? WHAT A MORON.”

Others online were quick to judge the new head coach for his tactics despite the fact that Andonovski has not coached a single game for the defending World Cup champions. James Marshall, a USWNT fan from Seattle was incensed as he claimed, “Vlatko doesn’t have a clue, we are playing that route 1 shit and not going to have anything good going forward and all you have to look is the players. They aren’t going to want to play unattractive soccer. They already had to overcome the past coach and win in spite of her awful techniques.”

Still other fans went at Andonovski for his record as some of the USWNT fans were doubtful that he could produce at this level.

“WHAT HAS HE EVER WON,” stated Cyndi Guzman of Youngstown, Ohio. “No one … NO ONE cares about the NWSL. Winning in that league is basically a coin flip. He’s going into the REAL women’s game now. Ugh.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans that previously spent the last 8 years complaining about Jill Ellis suddenly compare her to a saint.

Watershed Moment For US Soccer Celebrated By MLS Pundits For 9th Time

NEW YORK - Pundits that cover Major League Soccer celebrated the 9th time they’ve referenced a “Watershed moment for US Soccer” as they crowed over the victory, team and fanbase of Los Angeles Football Club after they eliminated the Los Angeles Galaxy from the MLS Playoffs on Thursday night.

HOORAY! WE FINALLY CRACKED IT!

“This… THIS is the moment that US Soccer really catches on,” stated MLS Pundit Roger Haverforth. “I know we’ve said this in the past but this time… THIS is the time it’s going to happen.”

Research indicates that pundits previously claimed that the watershed moment in US Soccer was the formation of Major League Soccer in 1993, the debut of D.C. United and their passionate fanbase in 1996, the debut of the Chicago Fire and their passionate fanbase in 1998, the opening of Mapfre Stadium, the first soccer-specific stadium built for an MLS team, in Columbus in 1999, the debut of Toronto FC and their passionate fanbase in 2007, the acquisition of David Beckham by the LA Galaxy in 2007, the debut of the Seattle Sounders and their passionate fanbase in 2009, the debut of the Portland Timbers and their passionate fanbase in 2011, the debut of Atlanta United and their passionate fanbase in 2017, and now the debut of Los Angeles Football Club and their passionate fanbase in 2018, all of which ensured that the television ratings plummeted in 2019 by 19% overall.

“THIS… THIS is the moment the world wakes up,” stated MLS Pundit Harry Shields. “You can’t watch this game and not be swept up into soccer.”

According to those watching from home, many were unable to watch the game as they started trying to watch it on ESPN, then switched to ESPN2, then had ESPN2 switch to sports center and then switched back to ESPN in order to catch up.

Our reporters spoke to soccer fan Barry Williams from Omaha who stated that he tried to watch the Real Salt Lake playoff game against the Portland Timbers only to find that he had no way to watch ESPN News.

“If they want me to actually watch games they should probably make it easier for me to watch games,” stated Williams. “I’m just going to watch the rest of the World Series and call it good.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Watershed Moment is celebrated again as the next round of teams come into Major League Soccer.

Fan Blames Difficult Red Bull New York Season On The Actions Of People He Doesn't Like On Twitter

NEW YORK - Stating, “It’s all their fault,” Red Bull New York fan Andrew Reynolds, in a 10 part tweet hashtagged to #RBNY, laid the blame for the Red Bull season at the feet of under-performing and perpetually gloomy fans who just couldn’t get behind the team.

“It’s not their fault…. It’s YOUR fault.”

“If we actually had a home field environment then we would’ve won the league,” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. “Clearly the team read the opinions of all the gloomy-gus fans out there that were trying to stab them in the back on Twitter. If we had more forced optimism then we would’ve made it to MLS Cup and won the Supporters Shield this season.”

Reynolds claimed that a number of fans are perpetually unhappy with the team and the organization as he stated, “The boys on the field tried their best and so did the coaching staff. You can’t blame the coach for the team not winning at home. Everyone knows that we lost at home to Colorado because @MetroFeverish talked about how much he disliked Armas online. That kind of Twitter thread is the kind of thing that completely destabilizes a locker room.. It’s almost like all these fans just expect the players to be able to win at home even though the some fans keeping talking shit about Chris Armas and Denis Hamlett on Twitter.”

Reynolds continued his online missive as he blamed the investment level of Red Bull Austria in the team on the fans as well as he claimed, “Why would they want to invest money in something where, as you know, Joe Delulo as @RedAndBlackOriginals was talking about them not caring. I don’t care what anyone says, these corporations have feelings and if the fans are constantly insulting them it only makes sense when they don’t buy a good midfielder next year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reynolds blames the retirement of Connor Lade on @MetroFeverish who once described Lade as “Trade Bait”

Youth Coach Quits Coaching In Order To Work A Second Job To Afford USSF Coaching Licenses

Dallas, TX - Youth soccer coach Jesus Garcia stated that he would be leaving his position as the head soccer coach for the u-14, u-10, and u-8 Highland Park Diablos in order to get a second job that would allow him to save up for the cost of taking the additional USSF coaching licenses he needs in order to continue coaching soccer as a career.

“Does anyone here know how to run a transitional rondo?”

“I just don’t have the money or the time to make the money or the ability to take the time off,” stated Garcia to The Nutmeg News. “I thought that I’d be able to figure out a way to make it happen, but I’m going to need to make a lot more money if I want to afford the tens of thousands of dollars it’s going to take for me to get up to the higher level of licensing.”

Friends state that Garcia is a well respected soccer coach who fully understands how to drill, train and get the best out of his charges. He just lacks the thousands and tens of thousands of dollars necessary to increase his license holding with the US Soccer Federation.

“I know he could be a great asset to the federation or to a club team,” stated good friend Ivan De León. “But the B license alone is three thousand dollars and takes 4 to 5 months worth of time including in person training sessions and all the previous licensing you need just to apply. He just doesn’t have the time to coach soccer and learn the tests that will allow him to coach soccer.”

Garcia, for his part, sees this as just part of the journey you have to take in order to try to make it to a professional level in the United States.

“I always knew that the path to being a coaching professional in the United States would involve me quitting soccer in order to take a job as a bartender so that I can try to save up a bunch of money to enroll in a bunch of semi-standardized testing that may or may not pan out in a few years and $15,000 later.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gives up on his dream after finding out that the pro course alone is $10,000 and he needs to buy a new car because his Nissan Altima has 350,423 miles on it and he can’t make it for the closing shift on time if it won’t start during the winter.

Sacramento Republic Fan Immediately Regrets Team Move To Major League Soccer

Sacramento, CA - Long campaigning for his team to move to Major League Soccer, Sacramento Republic fan Paul Sanchez admitted that he felt an immediate wave of sickening regret as he watched the MLS announcement presentation.

BACK IN THE OOOOOOOOOOOOLDEN DAYS!

“Dear God in heaven…. what have we done,” stated Sanchez to the celebrating groups of fans that ignored him. “I …. oh… um… I think we made a mistake.”

Sanchez reportedly spent the last three years trying everything in his power to get the team into Major League Soccer as he battled his own ever increasing feelings that perhaps this wasn’t the league he wanted his team to be a part of in the first place.

“So now we have to deal with increased team security, increased fan security, increased league security, increased supporters group visibility, playing against teams financed by billionaires and a mercurial rules system that seems to favor the teams with huge financial pockets….. yeah, this is going to be something.”

Sanchez admitted that he was likely in the minority of Republic fans, most of whom spent the day celebrating, however this didn’t stop him from stating his concerns to everyone around him as they accused him of being a rain cloud.

“I’m just saying that all you have to do is look at the way the league is this year, and the way they handled things with fans over the past few years and all the stuff we are going to have to do just to coordinate away travel or watch our team play on the road. Who the hell has ESPN News? Just come back and talk to me after you write something on how we are going to construct a lineup with TAM and GAM and all that shit. It was just approximately a year and a half ago that a team like Columbus was moving to Austin because the league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez tries to cheer himself up by claiming that none of the stuff that has happened to other fans and teams in the league could ever happen in Sacramento.

Survival Stores Announce Run On Camouflage As LA Galaxy Advance To Play LAFC In MLS Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Survival stores around the Los Angeles area are reporting a mass run on camouflage outfits, bandannas, hats, balaclavas and associated camouflage face paint as the Los Angeles Galaxy defeated Minnesota United to advance in the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs to face Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC).

LAFC fans consult with tactical advisers on the movie set of Red Dawn.

Photo By (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Rob Aylward/Released)

“We are seeing mass purchases from soccer fans,” stated Dean Whethers of SurvivaLA. “These people are coming in and buying anything that we have from Disruptive Pattern Camouflage used by the Australian Defence Force to Flecktarn which was used by Kyrgyzstan and Poland to the limited edition Type 07 “07 海洋迷彩作训服” Oceanic Camouflage used by the Naval Vessel Crew in China. It doesn’t really seem to matter where they are going to be, they just want that Camouflage look.”

Fans state that they are focused on disappearing, “for the boys,” as they stock up on survivalist gear, military surplus items and anything camouflage related.

“I’m planning on bringing an exotic Russian MRE in to the stadium to avoid the food prices,” stated LAFC fan Sam Guzman. “It’s really going to fit in with my head to toe camouflage and tactical facepaint that I learned to apply by watching old videos of Sting from the WCW,.”

Players have stated that they are concerned that the camouflage designed to prepare the fans for war would erode their home-field advantage as the fans will blend into the limitless woods that border the Banc of California stadium, but they stated, “regardless of whether we can see them or not, we should still be able to hear them.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans announce they are preparing for war…. by ensuring they order a Lyft that they can share with a couple friends to keep the cost down and make it to the stadium early enough in order to tailgate before the game.

Red Bulls Supporter Finally Ready To Unveil Completely Original Player Song For Juan Pablo Angel

NEW YORK - Red Bull supporter Kevin Anderson stated that he was finally ready to unveil his completely original player song for retired Red Bull New York player Juan Pablo Angel roughly 14 years after Angel played his last game for the team.

Everyone remember this time? No? Are we all agreeing this never happened? No? Ok, carry on.

“I never loved that There’s Only One Pablo Angel song,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “It wasn’t befitting of a player of his stature and influence. So in about 2009 I started on a project to come up with a completely original, never referenced by any other supporters group or soccer club, totally new song for JPA.”

According to friends and fellow supporters, Anderson was obsessed with the idea and continued working even after Angel left the team in 2010.

“He just kept forging ahead,” stated good friend Danny Stevens. “He refused to sing anything at all for JPA while he was here as he kept saying that all the ideas that were tried or suggested were terrible and not worthy of who he was as a player.”

Anderson continued his quixotic quest by researching every team in England for every player chant they’ve ever done, the melody for it and the relevance of the song to popular culture before he moved on to leagues in Europe..

“It was important to be thorough” state Anderson. “I attempted to run through the catalog of soul classics, 80’s new wave, classic rock, stoner rock, Electro dance pop, K-pop, Broadway musicals and even a small dalliance on the usability of spoken word poems from the 1800s. In the end I realized that the only way to be original was to create an entirely new form of music for him that no one has ever heard before.”

Fellow Red Bull fan Alyssa Gutierrez stated that she had Andersons new song played for her.

“I can honestly agree that it is absolutely and completely original,” stated Gutierrez as she appeared to be choosing her words very delicately.

For his part, Anderson remains satisfied by his effort as, “long last we have a song that is worthy of the player that he was nine years ago.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson attempts to figure out how to sing the song for Angel now that he is retired.