Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I used have strong positive feelings about the Revs. But recently they've been disconnected & not trying hard to keep me happy. They keep dropping hints about some big name DP signing & building a stadium. But I think that's all rumors to keep me around. - @notyetfunnyguy
Dear @notyetfunnyguy: That’s not really a question, but I can tell you that it sounds like they are afraid of commitment. You can try to, “give them the hint,” but let me tell you that if your name isn’t Tom Brady they don’t care.
So instead, try to let the unending yearning that you feel for the situation slowly deaden the passion you have inside until you can’t really find a reason to care whether they build a stadium or not. That way if they ever actually do anything positive, like sign a good designated player, you will be absolutely surprised and elated before the crushing realization of waiting for a future that might never come crashes upon you as you sit in a Footlocker on Dudley Street in Boston.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’m in a relationship with two clubs at the same time and I think that they might play each other in another competition, soon. What should I do? - Natalie in Atlanta.
Dear Natalie in Atlanta: First: Congratulations on MLS Cup. Second: More established teams than yours tried and failed to win the CONCACAF Champions League so just hold off on having to worry about your local side playing your other side until your local side does something that literally no other team in Major League Soccer has ever done before.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’ve been experiencing excitement over our new signing for more than 4 hours. Should I go to the emergency room? - James in NYC
Dear James In NYC: Forget going to the emergency room, you need to go to the club store STAT! I order one hundred CC’s of that players personalized kit for your wardrobe, RIGHT NOW! This way, in the future, when the relationship sours you will have a perpetual reminder of the hubris of these days.
Dear Dr Nutmeg: I’m in an abusive relationship with a front office that keeps promising to change, and then goes back on their word, and then promises to change and goes back on their word again. What should I do? - Kawami in Chicago
Dear Kawami in Chicago: Part of being a soccer fan is enduring terrible physical and mental conditions that you brought upon your self and willingly pay for every single season despite complaining about it relentlessly. You should just accept this, show up, and let all the slights by the front office slowly kill any love you have left until you are dead inside and consider running for the communications seat of your local supporters group.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: As an exhausted full-time working mother of two, I find myself going days at a time without loudly complaining about my team on Twitter. How else can I show that I’m a true fan who deeply cares about my club? -Kate in Minneapolis
Dear Kate In Minneapolis: You need to recognize the importance of taking care of your needs in order to ensure that the needs of others are met. This may mean really prioritizing your time by complaining about your team over bathing in the love of your children. At some point, these children are going to grow up and probably disappoint you by majoring in Business and registering as a Republican. Your love for your club will last forever, so try to carve some time out of your schedule to complain in the morning and the afternoon.
Dear Dr Nutmeg: My first love is in Ohio and they are showing signs of wanting to rekindle our relationship, but I’m in a good place with my current relationship… what do I do? - DN in Atlanta.
Dear DN in Atlanta: You need to consider what you want in life and then not show up until you get it. Really just stop doing anything at all and let the chips fall where they may. What’s important here is that you do nothing. If you do SOMETHING, that will show intent, but by doing nothing you can’t be accused of taking any side.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: How many Shakespearean sonnets about our club is it okay to tweet before it gets creepy? - @MplsCatizens
Dear @MplsCatizens: It’s only creepy if you use Sonnet 130
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
And that’s mostly because we are trying to imagine an anthropomorphic soccer cat smelling the breath of their mistress.
Dear Mr. Nutmeg: I'm a long-time fan of both FC Dallas and the Dallas Sidekicks. Unfortunately, my two soccer loves have an overlapping schedule this year, and have several home games at the same time. What do I do? Best, - John
Dear Jim: Ok, you know what? How does that feel? Huh? HUH? YOU LIKE IT WHEN I DON’T CALL YOU BY THE RIGHT DAMN NAME? I should come down there and knock the sandwich out of your hand. THE DEGREE SAYS DOCTOR, YOU SAY DOCTOR. GODDAMMIT! THIS IS JUST LIKE MY MOTHER SAID. Oh sure, nobody recognizes your hard work as a therapist when they talk about Doctors in the general realm of cordial conversation, but EVVVVVVERYBODY loves them a neurosurgeon. But who do the neurosurgeons come to when the weight of all the poorly botched surgeries come back to them in a blood soaked dream as they wake up in a pool of sweat with clenched fists as they lay next to their wife at 3:00 am wondering where the damn love has GONE?! FUCKS SAKE, JOHN.
Anyway, You should go to the team that is in the worst form because soccer is, in itself, mostly about suffering with periods of joy and you can use those experiences to make yourself feel like a better fan than those who casually show up when the team wins.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I am in relationship with possessive partner. I’ve tried to leave but they make it difficult for me to go. I’ve learned my lesson from this experience but how can I help others not make the same mistake? - Andrew
Dear Andrew: It’s important to gain the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Trying to leave this relationship while simultaneously warning others of the dangers of this possessive partner seems like an exhausting enterprise. The best way to do this is to forget trying to help others not make the same mistake and hook someone else on the relationship.. Then use their rock bottom as an excuse to get out. Likely you can do this during a poorly attended U.S. Open Cup game. Make certain you find an NPSL team to fall back on otherwise you may relapse.
Dear Dr. Nutmeg: My friends are trying to get me into an MLS team but I love an NPSL side. Should I look outside my relationship for love? - Earnie in Detroit
Dear Earnie in Detroit: You have to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who can really handle the intricacies of a poly-amorous relationship. Trying to be in a poly-amorous relationship requires a lot of communication, a lot of work and a lot of energy not only for you, but your significant others. When you are talking about a club outside your local club, you have to consider how connected you really are going to be in another year when the passion is gone. However, if you don’t have any significant others then you should consider being a fan of a team in every league. Find one in Liga MX! Go for the Gusto. Hell, there’s nothing for you at home but some frozen Totino’s Pizza so maybe consider starting your own T.I.F.O club, that’ll eat up the time.
That’s it for Dr. Nutmeg for now, but please continue to send questions for a future column to the good doctor via Twitter DMs or firstname.lastname@example.org