Dress Code And Bottle Service In The NASL As California United Aim To Be A Club

Fullerton, CA - Stating that they will be a club in the truest sense of the word, new NASL team California United announced that they will have a dress code and bottle service at their new location on the Cal State Fullerton campus.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR THE BATHROOM LINES!

"This isn't just about soccer, this is about a way of life," stated California United brand ambassador and SKYY ULTRA-PREMIUM VODKA representative Jeremy "Bangarang" Torviin.

"We feel like we can really show the United States what being an NASL club is all about, from the DJ's we have spinning top 40 remixes of songs by the Chainsmokers and Major Lazer to the bottle service and Saturday night foam parties. It's gonna be LIT!"

Reportedly, California United will, eventually, play soccer with the focus being on a very sexy and united (tm) party atmosphere the like of which hasn't been seen, according to Mr. Torviin, since Studio 54.

"We are United, we are California, we are a club, we know cliche brand statements! Millenials! UBER! TESLA! APPLE! SNAPCHAT! We will have both MØ, and M.O.! We will have a ladies night happy hour at the stadium and a cover charge to get in. What's not to love! Fullerton! Get your jock ready to have your face melted!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when United rebrand..

Columbus Crew Fan With Customized Ethan Finlay Kit Weeps Silently In Dark Corner As Trade Deadline Approaches

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan @Toddrick33 admitted to weeping silently in a dark corner of his cubicle as trade rumors swirled around Ethan Finlay, the only Crew player that @Toddrick33 deemed worthy of gracing his $150 authentic kit purchase recently.

"Dear god, why did I do that?" muttered @Toddrick33 as he realized that sitting at home was possibly a $150 poor decision that would soon become invalidated. "All I wanted was the kit of my favorite player... is that so bad?"

@Toddrick33 reportedly decided against the advice of fellow fans who warned him of the impermanence of MLS rosters as he boldly decided to get a custom kit of a player not considered a franchise cornerstone.

"I just needed something to update my 2009 Duncan Oughton kit and I thought Finlay was a safe bet. Then I come into the office and find out that he might be traded? Fuck this. I'm not buying a customized kit again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @Toddrick33 convinces himself that a Abuchi Obinwa kit would be a really forward thinking purchase for the time when the player starts getting game time with the Crew.

Detroit City Broadcast Turns Into 90 Minute Debate Over Faygo Flavors

Detroit, MI - The last Detroit City FC broadcast of the year turned into a 90 minute debate over the quality and delicious nature of Faygo flavors as a brawl broke out in the announcers booth that spilled into the stands over the purported quality of Rock N Rye versus Red Pop.

ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCK N RYE!

Witnesses say that the kerfuffle started shortly after the 5th minute of the NPSL semi-final game between Detroit City Football Club (DCFC) and Midland-Odessa Sockers Football Club when play-by-play commentator Neal Ruhl found out that color analyst John Kreger was secretly not a Rock N Rye fan.

The first clue came from an extended diatribe on the live stream as notated by the transcript from the game, below.

Kreger - "The Detroit back-line is looking a little shaky tonight, but you definitely don't want to shake a can of Redpop Faygo soda as it is such a delicious flavor of Faygo that anything being wasted would be a crime. I think Redpop might be the best flavor that Faygo provides."

Ruhl - "I disagree, wholeheartedly. Their back-line is good but they're just not anticipating the counter attack, nor are they anticipating the underrated flavor in Grape Faygo which I think would be a better alternative to Redpop and a 4-3-3 might be a better alternative to Detroit's 4-4-2. Sometimes the classic formations work best, just like the classic Root Beer Faygo, but we all know that Rock N Rye is best."

Kreger - "If we're going to discuss classics, we're going to have to talk about Moon Mist."

Ruhl - "Moon mist isn't a classic. What, in your opinion, is the Faygo El Clásico flavors? Can you even name them?"

Kreger - "We're not here to discuss Faygo flavors. We're here to announce a Detroit City FC game and enjoy a nice cold Redpop Faygo, which is clearly superior to Moon Mist and anyone who can't acknowledge this doesn't belong in this booth. I'll bet you can't even name players from 2 seasons back and you probably sit at home drinking Peach Faygo."

Ruhl - "No, I can't name players from two seasons back, but I also don't drink Peach Faygo. I drink Rock N Rye, because I'm not a degenerate from Ann Arbor."

Kreger - "Pineapple is better than Rock N Rye."

Fans below the announcing booth claim that they realized something was wrong when, at this point, Kreger was dangled out over the booth with Ruhl screaming, "ADMIT THAT RED POP ISN'T THE BEST AND THIS WILL BE OVER. ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG. ROCK N RYE. ROCK. N. RYE. ARE YOU FROM OHIO?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rock N Rye v Redpop debate rages on into 2018.

 

59 Year Old Soccer Broadcaster Continues To Use Baseball Language

59 year old soccer broadcaster Verne Stewart continues to use Baseball language in the games that he calls as he stated, "he's rounding the bases" while watching a soccer player make a run during his last game.

ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Here's David Villa with the swing..... and a miss!

"I call it like I see it," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "People need a language with which they can connect and I provide the verbal picture of a soccer game to people out there over the age of 50 who need to know what is happening in the game according to the baseball language and cliches they learned as a kid."

Stewart shoehorned in, "swing and a miss," as well as, "going to the bullpen, middle reliever, umpire, and closer," in the recent radio broadcast that he performed.

"I know that I don't understand more than one kind of descriptor," stated new soccer fan Tom Spanner, 62 from Fort Lauderdale. "I've grown to watch commie ball, but they can keep their language. It's a field, not a pitch, and they are wearing uniforms, goddammit. THIS IS MY AMERICA."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Stewart states, "That's a HOME RUN," during a goal call.

"This One Is a Goal," States Fan For 100th Time While Corner Kick Is Taken

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Browning reportedly nudged his friend Kip and stated, "This one is a goal," for a record 100th time as a corner kick was taken during the recent home game victory against the Chicago Fire.

Photo: USAToday

"This one is a goal!"

"Dave always does this, every time," stated Kip Pzyrnisky. "I've just learned to tune it out."

According to friends, Browning started this trend when he turned to a random person during a watch party for the SKC game against the New York Red Bulls back in 2013. 

"He said, 'this one is a goal,' and sure enough... Collin headed in that Zusi service. He's been saying it now on nearly every corner ever since," stated friend Amy Sanborn. 

Our reporters spoke to Browning who admitted, "They aren't always a goal, but I feel like they are a goal, so I'm going to keep this thing going."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we discover that Browning yells, "GET IN THE HOLE," while golfing.

Search For "Real Soccer" Leads Fan To Baseball

Tallahassee, FL - An exhaustive search for, "real soccer," lead former soccer fan Geoff Elder to the sport of Baseball as his endless critique of North American soccer finally sucked every last little bit of fun out of the game, entirely.

This is real, ok? Not some overly affectatious soccer team or supporters that try to copy Italian ultras. No, this is two women wearing oversized ring hats, with a nonsensical sign, in a mostly filled ball park surrounded by people who want to do the wave, drink beer, and talk about the upcoming NFL season.

"I looked over and over for real soccer in the United States and Canada with no success," stated Elder to The Nutmeg News.

"I knew I couldn't support Major League Soccer, because that's definitely not real. You can't be friends with anyone cool in soccer if you support an MLS team. Everyone knows you have to hate on MLS all the time, or you lose cool points. I couldn't support the NASL or the USL because those two leagues are both either part of the global USSF/SUM conspiracy against promotion relegation or painfully inadequate, teetering on the brink of insolvency, and filled with delusions of grandeur. I then took to the minor leagues of the United States to look at the NPSL, but honestly supporting an NPSL side is akin to pounding nails into your forehead. Most of the teams are terrible, the soccer is awful, the players are terrible, the game day experience is terrible and suffering through terrible referees on an awful plastic pitch in the middle of nowhere isn't a signification of real soccer."

Elder reportedly tried to follow a few teams across the United States in multiple leagues with limited success as he ranted in a multi-part tweet storm, "None of this is real soccer. None of these teams have been around for 120 years. None of these fans have any history. There's no realness to showing up for a team in a league in the United States and Canada. First you have terrible names back in the 70s, and then the teams followed that by appropriating naming like European teams. Both options are terrible. Everything is terrible. The San Jose Earthquakes are just as bad as San Jose FC, which would be just as bad as AC San Jose or San Jose United Clash FC. There is nothing real about soccer at any level in any league anywhere in the United States."

According to insider sources, Elder even gave the Canadian Premier League a try, but noticed that it doesn't even exist yet.

"Finally I just caved and went back to baseball where the tradition is real, and I can sit around without having to worry about the fact that I'm missing out on a real soccer club that is getting hammered with overripe contracts as it plummets in a free-fall down the soccer pyramid until it is bailed out by a multi-billionaire with shady military arms contracts in somewhere like Cambodia or Laos or Thailand. Real Soccer is defined by the ability to have multi-generational despair over a club as it fails, repeatedly, over the course of your entire life only to have brief moments of happiness as it chases promotion to a sub-par league before it fails under the weight of bad acquisitions that will doom it for another 5 to 10 years. Baseball doesn't have franchises, or weird salary mechanisms, or promotion/relegation worries. I can just sit back and enjoy the crack of the bat, the smell of the popcorn and the fact that I don't have to worry about there being a better league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elder just randomly picks the Yankees to support.

 

"I Just Don't Even Know, Anymore," States Vancouver Whitecaps Fan

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Stephanie Zhang stated, "I just don't even know, anymore," after the Vancouver Whitecaps lost against the Portland Timbers at home and then beat F.C. Dallas on the road.

Photo: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Zhang reportedly could not determine exactly whether the team is absolutely terrible, moderately decent, or just an amalgam of both options.

"I'm pretty certain this is just the league doing what the league does, but the whiplash is really getting to be a bit much," stated Zhang to The Nutmeg News. "As terrible as the Timbers are, I would have expected to win that game, especially at home. Then as good as F.C. Dallas is at home and in the league, I absolutely expected to lose that game. I'm becoming slightly numb to the whole thing at this point."

Reportedly, the angst felt by Zhang after the loss against the Timbers has only been exacerbated by the Whitecaps winning on the road as the 3 points did nothing to fix the confusion felt by Zhang about whether her team is actually any good.

"Maybe the Whitecaps are a Schrodinger's team. They exist in all states until I look at the team either in person or on the television. I'm just very confused about how bad we are... or good we are... or terrible we are... because I'm pretty certain we are terribly bad at being good, and the only thing I can come up with is that we are a poor to mediocre team playing in a mediocre league where weird things happen and nothing makes any sense. So I'm just going to go with that until somehow the Caps catch fire and we end up winning MLS Cup in 2017"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as that doesn't happen.

Mom Who Knows Something About Soccer Now The Unpaid Sporting Director Of Entire Youth Program

Plano, TX - Deborah Hagins, a local mom who knows something about soccer, has now found herself the unpaid sporting director of the Plano Youth Soccer League after informing a random parent that she has season tickets to FC Dallas.

"I just was making small talk with a random parent at my son's youth game and suddenly they informed me that I was in charge of the tactics and recruiting for the entire PYSL," stated Hagins to The Nutmeg News. "I was informed that my expertise and skill at assessing soccer would be utilized to manage the youth teams at all divisions, and that I would be doing this job for free."

Hagins is a soccer fan who attends FC Dallas games on a relatively frequent basis, but admits that while she enjoys the game, she is not a tactical master.

"I like the skill, I like the pace of the game, I like watching my teams play, but I'm pretty certain there has to be someone more qualified than me to run this program."

The Nutmeg News spoke with PYSL Ownership and Volunteer coordinator Paul Mercon about this new hire and he had the following to say.

"Deborah is a warm body that shows up on time, has children in the program, doesn't mind working for free and didn't say no fast enough. She is the perfect hire for us. We don't particularly care whether she knows the game or not as long as she continues to show up and we can continue to sign children up for $700 a month poorly coached youth soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Deborah asks for a discount on her children's monthly soccer fees and receives no reply.

Study Confirms That Thirteen American Flag Emojis Is The Right Number To Show A Proper Level Of Patriotic Branding

An in depth study performed by the RAND corporation showed that thirteen American Flag emojis was the appropriate number to show a proper level of patriotic branding as it relates to the Gold Cup final as teams across all levels of sport in the United States rushed to show the proper level of obsequious flag waving.

Two different approaches, but clearly the Galaxy are more patriotic than the Rapids. Almost TOO patriotic.

"We engaged a number of users from rural areas to tell us how much flag emoji is enough flag emoji to convey a proper amount of respect," stated social media expert and parakeet enthusiast Barret Hindhuser to our Nutmeg News reporter.

"What they indicated is that there is almost no amount too much to convey how much you love the United States, but there is absolutely too little. Using no flag emojis is a clear sign that you hate the United States. Using only one indicates you are afraid to stand up for freedom. Using more than one is really just a starting point, for some. And there were variations in appropriate usage based on the location of the people with whom we spoke. Users from Laramie, Wyoming indicated there weren't enough American flag emojis to make them forget this is just a bunch of commie ball liberals in big cities. However, most of our users respectfully overlooked that we are talking about soccer due to the national team trying to beat down some country they recently decided to dislike for whatever random reason they could cook up at the last second.

Hindhuser indicated that many social media professionals really went crazy on the American flag emojis with the knowledge that more patriotic emoji usage really would spur re-tweets of their patriot MURICA tweets, a desire that burns within every social media manager like an uncontrolled fire or gonorrhea.

"We know that excessive flag emoji use corresponds with re-tweets, but that overuse can saturate the market, as well. Therefore we advise against continual usage, but suggest frequent usage. In this way you don't overwhelm, but just casually remind everyone that your team account is definitely pro-USA flag emojis."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as financial managers recommend a hard buy on flag emojis prior to the upcoming World Cup.

Chivas USA Replacement Team Hires Former Chivas USA Coach In Effort To Avoid Becoming Chivas USA

LOS ANGELES - Chivas USA replacement team LAFC announced, on Thursday, that they hired former Chivas USA head coach Bob Bradley with the mandate of, "Don't turn this squad into Chivas USA."

Bob Bradley, the former Chivas USA manager, stated that he was, "Excited to get started with this mostly new adventure of running a second club in Los Angeles that hopefully won't dissolve into acrimony and bitter divorce, this time."

Reportedly, Bradley is looking at bringing back Sacha Kljestan, Jonathan Bornstein, Tim Regan and Ante Razov to flesh out his lineup, despite the latter being 43 and retired.

"Chivas USA was 11 years ago, hopefully no one remembers that," stated Bradley to our reporter. "I'm back to bring a new second, second (to me) Los Angeles club to a competent status before using this notoriety to replace Bruce Arena as manager of the United States national team after he fails during the upcoming World Cup."

Insider sources indicate that the order of succession has already been set within US Soccer as Bradley, Arena, and Sigi Schmid return back to the early 2000s with their success and failures.

"It stanks like 2004/2006 up in here," stated a jubilant Sunil Gulati as he drank limoncello out of the Gold Cup. "Let's start the cycle again. DO NOT BREAK THE CYCLE. Klinsmann will come back in 2024!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everything that is old is new again.

Mike Petke Press Conference To Be Released On Vinyl

Salt Lake City, UT - The, now, legendary Mike Petke press conference after Real Salt Lake played Sporting Kansas City will be released on Vinyl, for the Real Salt Lake audiophile interested in it.

The legendary press conference where the Real Salt Lake coach explained why he was thrown out of the home game against Sporting Kansas City has been remastered by legendary jazz company Blue Note.

"We took great care at ensuring that you really could feel the desperation during the free form piece, 'Trey, hand em out,' which stands as a monumental critique on the relationship between man, man, and printer," stated Blue Note curator Ambroise Stephens. "The content has been completely cleaned up, the tracks remastered and they are now available in the original stereo recording that we sourced from the various reporters on site. You can really feel the angst, the passion, the power that comes from the masters of oratory prose."

The record will be available in both a classic purchase and a collectors edition that comes bundled with a white button up shirt autographed by Petke and a print out of headlocks against his players that he finds egregious.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as audiophiles in the Salt Lake area line up for hours to obtain a first pressing.

Casual Indy Eleven Fan Moderately Certain NASL Hasn't Shut Down Again

Indianapolis, IN - Casual Indy 11 fan Paul Wyzoski admitted that he hadn't watched an Indy 11 game in some time, but that he was moderately certain that the NASL hasn't shut down, again.

"Look, I can't be 100% certain about this because I know that there hasn't been a game to watch for a while, but I'm relatively sure that the NASL still exists," stated Wyzoski to co-worker Amanda Harver. 

Wyzoski got into a conversation at his job about the games that he went to last year before being asked, "When is the next home game," a question to which he actually didn't know the answer.

When Mr. Wyzoski was then asked, "Does the league still exist anymore?" he answered with a faltering affirmative confirming that, again, he was uncertain of this news either.

"Hold on," stated Mr. Wyzoski as he logged onto his work computer. "Look right here, it looks like the league is on some kind of break. I think that means they are going to start again, or maybe that means they are figuring things out. I'm not sure, but I'm still pretty certain they haven't shut down again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wyzoski tries to remember to actually attend a game while he still has a chance.

Major League Soccer Bids $250,000 In Allocation Money And Corner Upper Deck All Star Game Tickets For Kylian Mbappe

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, launched a stunning bid for Monaco star Kylian Mbappe by offering Monaco $250,000 in general allocation money and corner upper deck 2017 All Star Game tickets.

Image - Reuters

"We are here to be noticed," stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. "Major League Soccer is a league of choice and we feel like Kylian would be a great addition to our squads based upon which team he is allocated to in the allocation process."

Rumors swirl that Mbappe, should he sign, would be allocated to the Columbus Crew who are currently atop the allocation order, but Commissioner Garber would neither confirm nor deny that.

"Kylian isn't going to the Crew," stated Garber noncommittally. "I'm absolutely committed to that not happening."

Our reporters spoke to 13 of the 86 owners of Los Angeles FC who just rubbed their hands in glee and cackled maniacally before quickly trying to figure out who would be responsible for managing the spreadsheet that keeps the allocation money totals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mbappe expresses his desire to only move to Chivas USA.

McDonald's Offers Major League Soccer 20 Billion Dollars To Change League Name And Institute Promotion/Relegation

NEW YORK - American hamburger chain McDonald's, reportedly, offered Major League Soccer (MLS) 20 Billion Dollars to change the league name to The Extra Value Menu, and institute promotion/relegation between a carefully selected grouping of leagues that represent the global chain's branding.

This is just the worst, by a large margin.

"We would purchase the USL, NASL, and NPSL as well," stated President and CEO Steve Easterbrook. "All four leagues would be combined to reflect our menu branding and all team names would be changed to reflect menu items. In this way we consider it a win for our team and a win for the fans long clamoring for their teams to have a path to the highest professional league in the United States and Canada."

According to the takeover bid, team names in Major League Soccer like the Seattle Sounders would be changed to Seattle Quarter Pounder with Cheese and the L.A. Galaxy would be changed to the L.A. Hot Apple Pie. This would impact teams up and down leagues as the New York Cosmos would become the New York McFlurry and the Sacramento Republic would become the Sacramento Strawberry & Creme Pie.

"Fans are going to love what this does for the team they follow," stated Easterbrook. "Imagine the Cincinnati Soft Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie FC taking on the Columbus Cone (Vanilla) for a chance at getting promoted to the McValue Menu. That's only one step below the Extra Value Menu, what an honor! It'll give an opportunity to battles like Duluth Parfait United to take on the Stockton Premium Roast Coffee in a battle to climb out of the Kids Happy Meal amateur league and onto the big professional stage of the McPick 2."

According to leaked documents, the league would also be required to have all referee's dressed as the Hamburgler and all balls to be decorated as a Big Mac.

"It's important for us to see vertical integration in our endeavors. We hope that all of you will turn out for the McDonald's game of the week featuring the Portland Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger versus the New England Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles at the vaunted 2 Sausage Burrito's field in Foxborough.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when McDonald's cuts us a huge check for all this corporate branding.

Statistics Show D.C. United Loss Was Actually A Win!

WASHINGTON - Chief statisticians and public relations officials with soccer team and tax write off D.C. United stated that while the team lost, on Saturday, that in fact they were the real winners in life as they scored a goal! Again!

YOU GUYS. THEY SCORED A GOAL! LOLLIPOPS AND CONFETTI FOR EVERYONE!

WELL DONE. You lost, but you also managed to embarass yourselves and your fan base. That's not easy.

"We know that we have been a dumpster fire, again, this season," stated director of feel good statistics and holistic tweet massaging for D.C. United, Dave Davidson. "However, we feel like the winners on the day, because we managed to score a goal! Orange slices for everyone and we are ALL GOING TO THE PIZZA HUT BUFFET!"

TNN Reporters spoke to Ben Olsen, Head Coach Emeritus, who stated that he was overjoyed at the result.

"I'm speechless! We scored in three straight games. I told the guys that if they believed in the work and put themselves out there that we could score in three straight games, and we have. It's a massive, massive achievement and I hope that the fans know we are thinking of them when we celebrate this win from a loss, tonight."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more stupid statistics are used to try to turn a loss into a muddled bunch of bullshit.

The Revolution Will Begin With Trusox

People of Salt Lake, Compatriots of All America

We have finally reached the Salt Lake. The road was long and difficult, but we finally arrived. It was rumored that they expected us in the capital of the TruSox Republic at 2 p.m. today. No one was more amazed by this than I, because I was the first one to be surprised by this treacherous blow, which would place me in the capital of the TruSox Republic this morning. Moreover, I intended to be in the capital of the TruSox Republic — that is, in the new capital of the TruSox Republic — because Salt Lake City, in accordance with the wishes of the Provisional President, in accordance with the wishes of the Rebel Army, and in accordance with the wishes of the people of Salt Lake, who really deserved it, Salt Lake City will be the new capital of TruSox

This measure may surprise some people. Admittedly, it is new, but the TruSox revolution is characterized precisely by its newness, by the fact that it will do things that have never been done before.

In making Salt Lake City the provisional capital of the Republic, we are fully aware of our reason for doing so. This is no attempt to cajole a specific area by demogogic means. It is simply that Salt Lake City has been the strongest bulwark of the revolution, a revolution that is beginning now. Our Revolution will be no easy task, but a harsh and dangerous undertaking, particularly in the initial phases. And in what better place could we establish the Government of the Republic than in this fortress of the Revolution.

So that you may know that this will be a government solidly supported by the people of this heroic city, located in the foothills of the Wasatch — because Salt Lake City is a part of the Wasatch — Salt Lake City and the Wasatch will provide the two strongest fortresses for the Revolution. However, there are other reasons that motivate us, and one is the military revolutionary movement, the truly military revolutionary movement which did not take place in [Camp] Cupcake.

In Denver they prepared a puny little uprising against the revolution, principally with Mastroeni's assistance. Since it is necessary to tell the truth and since we came here with a view to orienting people, I can tell you and I can assure you that the military uprising in Denver  was an attempt to deprive the people in power, to rob the revolution of its triumph and to allow Garber to escape, to allow the Blazer to escape, to allow the Blatter to escape together with the Qataris, to allow the Gulati and the Arenas. The Denver uprising was an ambitious and treacherous blow that deserves the lowest epithets.

We must call a spade a spade and put the blame where it belongs. I am not going to be diplomatic. I will say outright that General Garber betrayed us and not only am I going to say it, but I am going to prove it to you.

However, we had always said so. We had always said that there would be no point in resolving this matter at the last moment with a puny little TruSox uprising, because if there is a TruSox uprising, concealed from the people, our Revolution will go forward nonetheless and this time cannot be over the power. It will not be like 1995 when the Americans came and took over, intervening at the last moment, and afterwards did not even allow players to wear their sock of choice

Nor will it be like 2003, when the people began to believe that the TruSox was going to triumph, and Mr. Garber came in to betray the revolution, take over power, and establish an 11-year-long dictatorship that would ban TruSox from their use.

Nor will it be like 2014, when the people took courage, believing that they had finally reached a position where they could take over the power, while those who did assume TruSox proved to be thieves. We will have no thievery, no treason, no intervention. This time it is truly the TruSox revolution, even though some might not desire it. At the very moment that the dictatorship fell, as a consequence of the military victories of our Revolution, when they could not hold out even another 15 days, Mr. Kamara appears on the scene as a paladin of freedom. Naturally, we have never been remiss in refusing any offer of collaboration that might prevent bloodshed, providing the aims of our TruSox Revolution were not imperiled thereby. Naturally, we have always appealed to the military in our search for peace, but it must be peace for freedom and peace with the triumph of our Revolution. This is the only way to obtain peace.

 

Viva TruSox! Viva The Revolution! Viva El Presidente!"

Sean Spicer Leaves White House To Focus On Playing Career For Minnesota United

WASHINGTON - Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced his resignation today in order to allow the former Trump spokesman to focus on his fitness for the upcoming Minnesota United game.

"I'm very lithe. Sinewy, even."

"They need warm bodies and we know, categorically, that I am a warm body," stated Spicer to The Nutmeg News. "Minnesota United reached out to me and said that they barely have enough people to field a full team, so I made them aware that I was ready to work."

According to Spicer, he was an all-american soccer player with a NCAA Division 1 scholarship before getting drafted to the Seattle Sounders in MLS. Spicer then told our reporters that he then deferred from MLS to play in the USL for a year or two, before making it big on Sigi Schmid's 2009 side scoring the winning goal against Chivas Guadalajara to promote the Sounders up the The CONCACAF champions league champions, champions. 

"It's been some time since I stopped playing soccer to focus on serving my country, but now I'm going to return back to the game that I love, I think. I won't take anymore questions on this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United demands that their game not be filmed by journalists.

Soccer Parody Account Finally Gives Up And Posts Pictures From Wine Weekend At Solvang

WASHINGTON - Soccer parody account @BenOlsensBlazer finally gave up trying to post as the sentient blazer of Ben Olsen and posted pictures of his trip to wine weekend in Solvang, California, on Friday.

Rob Carr — Getty Images

The mastermind behind the parody account is Steve Jones, a 29 year old DC United fan and Kaiser Permanente policy manager at the Capitol Hill Medical Center. 

"I thought it would be funny to tweet as Ben's blazer. It was a lot of fun for a while, but I just lost interest in it after a year or so."

Jones then slowly began incorporating his own life into the twitter account, first by accident and then secondly by boredom as the veil between @BenOlsensBlazer and his own life began to lift.

"I just didn't have the time to switch accounts, and honestly... I got a lot more interaction with the 1100 + followers I have on my parody account than the 100 followers I have on my personal account."

The illusion was finally gone as Jones posted pictures to @BenOlsensBlazer from his, "Wine Weekend," trip to Solvang, California with his fiancee Jessica. 

"No one cared," stated Jones. "I think they've all just come to accept that the blazer is dead. Hell they probably don't even see the twitter handle anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more parody accounts are created on twitter only to be abandoned after a month or two due to being painfully shit.

"That Altidore Nipple Thing Is Crazy....So Crazy, um.... You Wouldn't Be Into That, Would You....." Asks Kink Exploring Boyfriend

Fort Wayne, IN - 27 year old soccer fan Isaac Bouchard reportedly stammered, "That Altidore Nipple Thing Is Crazy..So Crazy, um...... You Wouldn't Be Into That, Would You?" to his girlfriend Paula while watching the United States play El Salvador on Thursday night.

"So, um.................. That's totally crazy.... unless that's something you are into..... I'm not saying that I'M into it... I'm just saying it's crazy... right? Or maybe not!"

Bouchard took the opportunity availed to him by the frenetic nipple twisting and biting on the field to broach the subject of bondage, discipline, and his expanding sexual kinks with his long time girlfriend of 8 months who reportedly had a look of confusion on her face as Bouchard rambled on about how, "I could totally see how nipple play could be a nice addition to a bedroom for some people, although I'm not saying that would be us, and isn't that a great play by Jozy there! BOOM!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to girlfriend Paula Delebridge about this and she stated the following, "He came to me on his birthday last month and said he wanted to try something weird and unusual for the special event. He said he wanted things to get messy. So I went up stairs and grabbed some chocolate sauce, some sprinkles, some whipped cream, a spatula to help spread stuff around and then came downstairs only to find that he had laid out a Barcelona kit on the bed for me to wear and he was standing against the wall holding his hands over his member. I... um... I just don't even know."

Bouchard, for his part, explained, "I see those guys in the wall ready for a freekick covering their junk and I have to think that the tension and fear of where that ball is going must be so overwhelming. It could hit anywhere, even hit so hard that your hands cant hold back that sudden surge of pain and endorphin that I'm sure a percentage of players actually enjoy and I've always wondered if that's something I'd enjoy and maybe Paula would enjoy doing to someone, unless it sounds weird in which case I'm going to go sign up for a local rec league here in a little bit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bouchard takes time to explain his system of red and yellow cards for the bedroom.

MLS All Star Game Referee Experience Will Expose Fans To Having Address Published And Verbal Abuse By 20,000 People

CHICAGO - Major League Soccer (MLS), on Thursday, announced a new MLS All Star Game Referee Experience which will allow fans to truly experience what it is like to patrol the center circle.

YOU could be THIS lucky!

"We are rigging up cameras to allow fans to live out their fantasy of being an MLS referee. As well, we are offering one lucky fan to have a full MLS Referee Experience during an actual upcoming game in the regular season," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot.

Information sent over from the league office indicates that the Referee Experience contest winner will walk the ball out onto the field, get to work as a linesman for a half of a game, make a judgement call about stoppage time in the first half, have his or her home address released out in revenge, be booed as they leave the field, have 20,000 fans scream profanities about his or her mother, and then be confronted by angry fans in the parking lot after the game.

"We want our fans to experience both the highs and the lows of the job," stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. "We feel like this could be beneficial to understanding how much this job truly sucks, some times."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when 78 year old Darla Heavensbee wins the Referee Experience contest after being entered as a joke by her grandson Larry.