Statistics Show D.C. United Loss Was Actually A Win!

WASHINGTON - Chief statisticians and public relations officials with soccer team and tax write off D.C. United stated that while the team lost, on Saturday, that in fact they were the real winners in life as they scored a goal! Again!

YOU GUYS. THEY SCORED A GOAL! LOLLIPOPS AND CONFETTI FOR EVERYONE!

WELL DONE. You lost, but you also managed to embarass yourselves and your fan base. That's not easy.

WELL DONE. You lost, but you also managed to embarass yourselves and your fan base. That's not easy.

"We know that we have been a dumpster fire, again, this season," stated director of feel good statistics and holistic tweet massaging for D.C. United, Dave Davidson. "However, we feel like the winners on the day, because we managed to score a goal! Orange slices for everyone and we are ALL GOING TO THE PIZZA HUT BUFFET!"

TNN Reporters spoke to Ben Olsen, Head Coach Emeritus, who stated that he was overjoyed at the result.

"I'm speechless! We scored in three straight games. I told the guys that if they believed in the work and put themselves out there that we could score in three straight games, and we have. It's a massive, massive achievement and I hope that the fans know we are thinking of them when we celebrate this win from a loss, tonight."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more stupid statistics are used to try to turn a loss into a muddled bunch of bullshit.