The Battle For 15th Place, In Major League Soccer, Intensifies

August 18, 2016

The battle for 15th place in Major League Soccer intensified after a weekend where DC United was able to win, Orlando City SC drew and the New England Revolution lost.

This is what we have all been waiting for, queue up the slow motion replays and dramatic retelling! 15th PLACE!

"I don't know if I can take this kind of epic situation," stated DC fan Carlos Herrera. "15th place in a 20 team league is really beyond my wildest dreams. I mean, 15th place! My god, have you thought about it! We are only 18 points off of the supporters shield! I have to pinch myself awake every time I look at the standings and realize that we are actually 8 points above the worst team in the league."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer is excited that the 15th place battle in the league is so tight this season as inside sources stated, "Things are really starting to hot up down there. Hopefully one of the teams can make it into the playoffs in order to be canon fodder for the other teams in the east that make it early. 15th place is something every fan can be proud of! 15th place should get a trophy! Every team should get a trophy! Trophies for all teams!"

Even despondent fans of the New England Revolution have hope as Revs fan Chuck Daniels stated, "It's going to be just our luck that we will squeak into the playoffs somehow, the front office won't fire Heaps, we will lose the USOC final, we will lose in the first round and then nothing will happen.... again.... again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we hastily cobble together another video series about the thin red line.

Tired Of Waiting For Jay Heaps To Get Fired, Dos Santos Heads Back To NASL

August 17, 2016

Kansas City, KS - Tired of waiting for Jay Heaps to get fired from the New England Revolution, Marc Dos Santos announced that he would be heading back to the North American Soccer League to be the head coach of the San Francisco Deltas.

"I'm here to announce that I'm leaving for a short amount of time and then coming back to the league with a different team."

"It was exhausting," stated Dos Santos in a private interview with The Nutmeg News. "I really thought that the Revolution would have fired Heaps by now, but they just keep hanging on and in the mean time I got this offer. Well, what could I do? I'm not going to spend another year in the USL."

Reportedly Dos Santos took the job with Swope Park Rangers so that he could await the removal of a head coach in Major League Soccer and swoop in, but the reticence of onwers in Major League Soccer to fire their coaches lead to him changing his mind.

"This USL shit is for the birds," stated Dos Santos. "I can't deal with the substitution rules and the crazy number of academy teams, and the rotating first 11 that seems to change based upon what the parent team wants. And despite the year that the Revolution have had, hell despite the year that Columbus or Chicago or Houston have had, none of them have come calling, so I'm back off to the NASL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Dos Santos leaves the Deltas to coach the Chicago Fire in two years.

Cowards Advance To Final, Continue To Win

August 17, 2016

Rio De Janeiro, BR - International cowards and eaters of the soul of football, Sweden, again advanced in the Olympic Women's Football Tournament despite their shame spiral of depression tinged tactics which threatens to tear apart the fabric of the game in the world as we know it and reduce international competition to two groups of 11 people that just throw the ball at each other until they tire, sit down and then discuss the political ramifications of austerity measures in Berlin.

According to inside sources, members of the Swedish football team have continually been beating up on their self esteem for their, "yellow-bellied and chicken" approach to the game while continuously asking if they should just stop playing, turn in their uniforms and retire to plant gardens somewhere at a community center outside Lidköping.

"The only way to play is to play like Brazil and the United States," stated Kosovare Asllani. "I don't even know what we are doing anymore. We should graciously accept our loss, or not even enter the tournament if we can't play like Brazil. Maybe there should be an Olympic standard for football that tells us all how to play so that we are competing appropriately at the games from now on."

Even Nilla Fischer agreed stating, "We tried to copy the American style. We found a tall woman who was past her prime and tried to cross the ball to her head repetitively until one of the chances went in while also sticking with this philosophy at the expense of tactical team development and integrating the upcoming youth on our squad, but it just didn't stick. I just don't know what I'm going to do... oh well, I'll go play for the gold medal."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cowards face Germany which hasn't been demonized quite yet, but give us some time and we will work on this.

Canada Prepares For Game As US Soccer Protest Continuation Of Soccer Tournament

August 16, 2016

Rio De Janeiro, BR - Canada continued their preparation for their semi-final game against Germany today as the debate over whether the Olympic Women's Soccer Tournament should continue without the United States involved, raged.

© @StephLabbe - They are still playing....... What's the excuse USA?

According to insider sources, someone with United States Soccer filed a formal protest and grievance against the Olympic Soccer tournament for the act of continuing to play without the United States.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain part of the written complain which stated, "Ya'll owe us EVERYTHING. We should be included. We built this tournament. We made it big. We made all your teams big. We paved the way and brought soccer to the forefront. Every woman want's to be us, everyone person wants to watch us. We are King Kong. You can't eliminate us, we will eliminate you!"

The United States Olympic Committee wouldn't comment on the leaked documents as they stated, "We cannot comment on the veracity of the documents that you have seen. However, we must categorically state that without the United States in the Women's Soccer Tournament that no one cares. The United States is the best and the biggest and everyone requires our presence at all times in every tournament, but no more so than in the olympics. We believe that the United States should always make the final and that to elminate them needlessly DOES show a lack of foresight on the part of the International Olympic Comittee."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the games continue, the tournament rolls on and Canada plays Germany for a chance at an Olympic Final.

Grizzled Columbus Crew Fan Tells Youth Of What Wins Were Like

August 15, 2016

Columbus, OH - "WHY BACK IN MY DAY, WE KNEW THE LOVING CARESS OF THREE POINTS, YESSIR," began Robert Thomas Gibbs as he waxed nostalgic to a bunch of awe struck millenials.

"Some of you whippersnapers don't remember regimental leader Hejduk and the great wars of the 90s."

Mr. Gibbs recently started a lecturing circuit at public places in the Columbus area including parks, street corners and bus terminals where he tells new Columbus Crew fans what a win was like back in the olden days of being a fan, before everything went wrong.

"Why the day was May 28th, 2016; and I can remember it like it was yesterday," stated Mr. Gibbs as he popped in a dip of Copenhagen, cleaned his pipe, and relaxed his gaze upon a dandilion growing in the cracks of the sidewalk. "It was a glorious time back then. Back when we was doing the hard work in the field, but the living was easy, oh for those days of wins and optimism."

Reportedly, Mr. Gibbs started reminisicing back to the good old days when the bad old days of current time weren't enough to continue supporting his beloved Crew as he stated, "better to live in nostalgia than face the current gaping maw of unenviable darkness that threatens to consume us whole with her subtle embrace of death of season and the screaming harbinger of doom that is offseason."

As he whittled a miniature figurine of Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Robert Thomas Gibbs weaved stories of MLS Cup, Frankie Hedjuk, and Pipa before the crushing reality of 2016 came calling.

"Why it was the time when a man or woman could really know their fellow fan, not like the cold times of three months later when we fight over the meaning of life and whether anyone on this team is any damn good," mumbled Gibbs as he squinted towards the youthful, innocent faces of the 23 year old Tax attourneys that just started following the Crew after their trip to MLS Cup.

"SOME DAY YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF," blurted Gibbs as he hastily retreated to the cover of shade to drink a half-full powerade that he spiked with Smirnoff.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gibbs tries to keep all those rascally, no-good, stake claiming, snake dealing carpetbaggers out of his seat in the Nordecke.

LA Man Is "Leicester Til I Die, but not at 4:30 in the morning."

August 15, 2016

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Jorge Poloma admitted that while he may be "Leicester Til I Die" after last season, he remains firmly in the group of people who think, "Not Leicester at 4:30 in the morning."

That's great and all, but could you do this at a reasonable hour?

"Did you see the time? Have you ever gotten up at 4:30 in the morning?" ranted Mr. Poloma to The Nutmeg News. "It is exhausting. I've loved the team since late last year, but I'm not getting up at 4:30 am in order to watch them."

According to friends in his life, Mr. Poloma talked a big game about getting up early and supporting his boys on the field, but started having doubts on Thursday when he truly started to realize how early the game was going to be broadcast the west coast.

"I picked up a great team, a passion, a love for Leicester, but that passion, team and love aren't enough to drag me from bed at 4:30 in the morning," stated Mr Poloma in a strongly worded Facebook message to his friend Yancey. "I'll just watch the game on replay and wake up at a suitable time for a game. This 4:30 shit is insane."

Sources deep in Mr Poloma's life have stated that he is considering switching to Chelsea this season with their resaonable first week kick off time and their firey new coach.

"I'd never betray my recent new-found, within the last 10 months, love of Leicester," stated Poloma as he looked at Chelsea kits online.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Poloma lets the TV schedule decide the fate of his infatuation with Leicester.

US Soccer Announces "2016 Defeat Tour" For US Women Following Olympic Loss

August 12, 2016

CHICAGO - US Soccer, today, announced a 2016 Defeat Tour for the United States Women's Soccer Team (USWNT) to start after the conclusion of the 2016 Olympics.

"In honor of losing the quarterfinal game against Sweden, the US Women will play a slate of 33 games in 6 months for our 2016 Defeat Tour," stated a press release by US Soccer

The Nutmeg News spoke to Sunil Gulati regarding the 2016 Defeat Tour and he had the following to say regarding the arrangements.

"Don't worry, I know what you are thinking but we will not be paying the players a single cent. They lost, and we all remember that they lost, so they don't get paid for this tour. They should just think of this 2016 Defeat Tour sponsored by Nike and Pantene PRO-V as a penance for disappointing everyone," stated Gulati.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abby Wambach is called into the USWNT for the Defeat Tour.

USWNT Fan Exclaims, "I Need Clint Dempsey's Help Explaining This 0-0 USA Sweden Halftime Score"

August 12, 2016

Bristol, CT - Georgia Rutherford, US Soccer fan and advocate for poppyseed bagels, admitted that she was unsure what she should think about the 0-0 halftime score between the United States and Sweden, and hoped that US Soccer would tell her what Clint Dempsey thinks about the game, in order to settle her mind.

"Look, he is so good that he is playing for the United States Women in an Olympic tournament!"

"Clearly, US Soccer showed that Dempsey is involved with all matters, and as I'm just a simple women's soccer fan I need Dempsey to tell me what I should think about the game," stated Rutherford to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "After reviewing the US Soccer twitter feed I was struck by the fact that Dempsey impacts all matters of my life, from the mundane to the tactical to the thoughts about Christen Press and Tobin Heath, who is just Dempsey or at least in some way related to Dempsey. So I'm just waiting for him to tell me that everything is going to be ok, and then to run out and score the goal that will advance the United States Women to the next round."

Despite the fact that the United States men didn't make the Olympics, Rutherford agrees with US Soccer that Dempsey should be involved in every possible metric of the game as she fell to the ground exclaiming, "PLEASE TELL ME, Clint Dempsey. WILL EVERYTHING BE OK?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer Twitter posts what Dempsey thinks about Dempsey's thoughts on the USWNT game featuring Clint Dempsey and Clint Dempsey's Dempsey.

DEMPSEY

Nationally Televised US Open Cup Victory Converts Dozens Of Fans To "The Magic Of The Cup"

August 11, 2016

The nationally televised broadcast of the US Open Cup semifinal between the LA Galaxy and FC Dallas of Major League Soccer managed to convert dozens of fans to the magic of the tournament as the game finished 2-1 for a Dallas victory in the second half of extra time.

"I don't know about the rest of the fans, nationwide, but I was swept up in the magic of the last few minutes that I managed to catch on television in between setting my oven for Totino's pizza rolls and finding the last Coke Zero in the back of the fridge, when I was sitting at home by myself," stated Timothy Clark of New Hope, Pennsylvania.

"I was watching the Olympics, but switching over for the final few minutes made a fan out of me provided that they continue broadcasting the tournament and somehow I'm at home when the game is on next year because honestly I didn't see any promotion leading into this and didn't have a clue that the game was going to be on ESPN last night!" stated Hannah Rast of Oberlin, Ohio.

"I was actually asleep, having nodded off at the first half, but I woke up just in time to see all the Dallas goals and it seems like it might have turned into a good game? I actually might tune in to more of the nationally televised games for the US Open Cup next year, or I might watch wrestling, it depends." stated Henry Osmaz of Brooklyn, New York.

Sources within US Soccer indicate that the ratings surpassed the modest predictions given by those involved in putting the event on television in the first place.

"We thought it would be negative numbers," stated president of USOC Distribution Rights and Office Recycling Enforcement, Anna Kaval. "But it turns out that a whopping 20 Nielsen TV households tuned into the broadcast! Just think of the bounty of new fans that are going to prop this tournament up. We actually may have to advertise the US Open Cup in the future. I mean, that's not going to happen, but it is fun to imagine that it could!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Open Cup Mania sweeps at least three households and an apartment.

Woman Ready To Swallow Entire Frustration Of The 55 Year Championship Wait As New Tottenham Fan

August 10, 2016

Tallahassee, FL - New soccer fan Harriet Branin stated that she was ready to swallow the entirety of the ennui surrounding the 55 year Championship wait by Tottenham fans as she dives into the deep end of soccer support this season.

"Ok, so I have very, very mixed feelings on Sol Campbell."

"I looked over all the teams and I realized that I liked the players and the history of Tottenham the most," stated Branin to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "So I decided that in order to appropriately root for the team this upcoming season I would prepare myself to swallow the entire frustrating 55 year wait for another league title, in whole, in one pre-season."

Branin has taken to a training regiment of pumping herself up that Tottenham will win the title and then watching games where they lose or draw in order to appropriately prepare herself for the mentality that she needs to have as a new fan. So far, her training has mandated a marathon few months of doing nothing but watching replays of old Spurs games with her eyes taped open, liberal amounts of caffeine and strong words regarding Arsene Wenger. She has also taken an immediate dislike to anything related to the color red, or related to Arsenal.

"I didn't really know it before, but I've come to understand that I hate Arsenal. I now can really give my friend Jeff a massive amount of shit, whereas before I was relatively ambivalent about his soccer choices when he randomly picked Arsenal last year. This has opened up a whole new window in our relationship and I'm planning on holding my fandom of my new team over his head when Kane drops 3 goals on those bastards at White Hart Lane."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Branin announces her arrival onto the Spurs supporters scene by a Facebook post stating, "same old spurs" after a disappointing draw at home.

Minor Flirtation With Major League Soccer Over As Man Prepares For Premier League Kickoff

August 10, 2016

Boston, MA - George Harrow's minor flirtation with Major League Soccer is officially over as he now prepares for the upcoming Premier League season that kicks off this weekend.

"I gave it some time. I tried, I really did," stated Harrow to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "We had some good moments. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy myself at times, but I'm a committed man and I'm not cheating on the Premier League with this new flirty thing that comes by."

Reportedly, friends say that Harrow seemed happy during his brief flirtation with Major League Soccer and many friends tried to push him to dump his old league which they viewed as very controlling over his time.

"George seemed rejuvenated with his new league partner, and we got to see a lot more of him on the weekend for brunch. He started a blog about his adventure, started tweeting about games, and even tried to find a specific team to watch. He even started complaining about league mechanisms for acquiring players. I thought we had him for a second," stated friend Stacy Dashe. "I really liked George with MLS, but I respect how committed he is to his first league."

Harrow reiterated his love for the Premier League to our reporter stating, "you just don't up and leave your first love for the new thing on the block. MLS is fun to toy with, but I've been following a team in England for 7 years. I didn't even know that MLS games were televised regularly until now. I have a limited amount of time in my life for soccer and I'm not going to cheat on my morning ritual of waking up early and then having the rest of my day to go about my business."

Reportedly, Harrow is going to make up to the Premier League by ordering a new kit from Chelsea and uploading a mix-tape of his affection to youtube.

Thomas Tremblay Named To MLS Team Of The Week

August 9, 2016

Three points, six beers and one Montreal Impact fan on the MLS Team of the Week.

Montreal Impact fan Thomas Tremblay earned his spot on the league's team of the week after putting in a dominant performance at Stade Saputo versus the Houston Dynamo.

The Montreal Impact won the game 1-0 on a goal by Matteo Mancosu and closed the game out with a clean sheet to help lift them to their 5th victory in 5 games against the Houston Dynamo.

Tremblay was recognized for his persistence in vocal disruption which included swearing in three languages (Italian, French, English), singing songs in two languages (French, English), making his fellow fans in the stadium laugh at his hockey and soccer joke about a failing Bruin, and telling Joe Willis that he is shit in Italian all while imbibing copious amounts of beer, staying on beat with the songs from the Ultras Montreal, and going out for post game drinks with his friends while simultaneously preventing his friend Joseph from drunkenly calling his ex-girlfriend Maxine. Tremblay also managed to waive a flag for 30 minutes of the game and celebrate without spilling a drop of beer.

For this epic display of fandom, Tremblay was awarded a place on the MLS Team Of The Week.

This is the second selection for Tremblay after he was awarded a place on the MLS Team of the Week for his 24 hour drive from his temporary remote job in Winnipeg to Montreal to catch last seasons July 11th game against the Columbus Crew.

Husband To Divorce Husband If He Attempts To Manage Two Fantasy Leagues

August 9, 2016

Dayton, OH - With the start of the English Premier League (note: we can write it this way now, grammar nerds) this weekend, David DuChamp admitted that he was continuing with divorce proceedings if husband Oliver Stevens insisted upon managing another fantasy football league heading into the 2016/2017 season.

"The soccer thing is fine," stated Mr. DuChamp to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "However, I cannot stand by and let Oliver slide into the abyss of fantasy soccer, again. I refuse to have too many inconsequential conversations about Cedric Soares and his potential value in this league. Or whether Calum Chambers is going to be worth a punt with Mertesacker out for a while. Who even says, 'worth a punt'? WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO, DAVID."

According to Mr. DuChamp, his husband Oliver repeatedly gets sucked into the mundane work of preparing for the season by constantly researching players, finding the best value and fretting over setting up his initial lineup before forgetting to set his lineup around week 7 and then beating himself up about it during week 8 before trying to remember again and consistently repeating this methodology of mediocrity until the end of the season.

"This is just like his MLS fantasy league all over again, where he was made commissioner 'BY ACCIDENT' and now is managing everyone, calling people to remind them to submit lineups and approving trades between teams. No, we don't need to know who just picked up Alejandro Bedoya. And... And... AND if he gets back into another NFL fantasy league this season I'm done. I'M JUST DONE."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Oliver Stevens about his feeling on the matter and he spent 20 minutes convincing our reporter that he should join his premier league fantasy league as the time was still there to get into the system and he would pro-rate the buy in that he uses to pay out a large cash sum to the winner at the end of the year.

Alex Morgan Advances To The Next Round Of Olympic Competition

August 9, 2016

Rio De Janeiro. BR - Alex Morgan and the other 10 people on her team advanced to the next round of play after a Columbia loss to Harvard, on Monday, sealed their advancement.

Morgan, of San Dimas, California, is trying for her second consecutive gold medal in Women's football and found herself advancing to the 2016 Olympic quarterfinals alongside other players like Marta.

"It's great that Marta and I advanced to the next round and I hope that we have a good battle in the next game that will test our resources," stated Morgan to The Nutmeg News. "I'm hoping to come out on top in 2016 and will hold this gold medal up against my Algarve Cup wins in 2011, 2013, and 2015"

Team sponsors indicate that with Morgan advancing to the next round, they expect overall Morgan branding to increase with gains expected of 500% if Morgan wins her second consecutive gold medal in Brazil.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we interview Alex Morgan to get her perspective on Alex Morgan, her branding, her tweets, her instagram, her connection with her fans, and the next player that she will face..

Man Already Planning On Protesting Pro-Futsal League Til Promotion And Relegation Are Instituted

August 8, 2016

Dallas, TX - Soccer fan and avowed MLS hater Delmond Travis has stated that he plans on protesting the not yet existent Pro Futsal League until it institutes promotion and relegation across all levels of competition.

"I don't care that they don't even have an established infrastructure, yet," stated Travis to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "If they don't have promotion and relegation on the first day then I am out."

Reportedly, frustrated with the state of professional soccer in the United States and Canada, Travis has taken it upon himself to advocate for a system of promotion and relegation at all levels of soccer, even the non-existent ones.

"I don't care that there aren't lower level teams in the United States, or that these teams would be run on a shoestring budget. If promotion and relegation comes in then you can bet that these teams would be able immediately travel across the United States for games in big markets. It is imperative that we establish this system in this league that doesn't exist with these teams that don't exist for a sport that may fail professionally before it gets going."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Travis sends some sternly worded tweets about the situation to the PFL from his locked twitter account.

Sounders Fan 100% Certain That In Stadium Direction Caused Road Win

August 8, 2016

Orlando, FL - Travelling Seattle Sounders fan Rob Hoskins of Tacoma stated loudly to fellow fans that he was, "categorically certain that this win came from my in stadium directions".

"I know for certain that Lodeiro and I locked eyes as I frantically pointed out the direction for him to pass the ball," stated Hoskins to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "It is patently clear that the team relied upon my instructions on how and where to press, where to pass and how to play in order to create a victory on the road."

Fans that stood around Hoskins stated that he spent the entire time yelling and gesturing at the field like some kind of wild maniac.

"He kept yelling 'switch... SWITCH', and 'FIND DEMPSEY... FIND DEMPSEY' while pointing in that general direction," stated Steve Sidwell of Tampa who traveled up to see the game with fellow Seattle fans. "I don't know what he thought he was accomplishing but he turned around after the win and told us, 'you're welcome' as he bowed to the travelling support, so he must have thought that he did SOMETHING."

Hoskins reported that his mental connection was felt at its strongest in the second half as he started to be able to sense where Lodeiro was going to pass before he even did it as Hoskins claimed, "I felt a oneness with the team as a whole. It was a zen moment where my in stadium direction clearly gave them the boost to overcome the travel in order to win."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hoskins brings a bullhorn next time in order to clearly indicate the appropriate direction to run and pass to Sounders Players at home games.

Area Man Only Roots For Barcelona

August 8, 2016

CHICAGO - Area man and part-time soccer fan Lionel Messi admitted that despite his deep Chicago ties that he can only root for Barcelona in soccer.

"DA BULLS are number 1 DA BEARS are number 1! DA BARCELONA més que un club!"

"I love my Derrick Rose, I love my Michael Jordan, I love my Walter Payton and Ditka, I even have a bit of love for Frank Thomas, but I have to get down with Barcelona as my club team," stated Mr Messi of Englewood to The Nutmeg News as he walked around in his Derrick Rose full kit while on vacation.

Reportedly, Mr. Messi got into soccer when a friend of his loaned him his copy of FIFA 2007 with Landon Donovan on the cover.

"Yeah, Lando. I remember that cover. Really got me into soccer, and then I played with that Barcelona team and it convinced me that I was a fan for life. Ronaldinho, Henry, Milito, Deco, Xavi, man that was a fun team to play with, on console."

Mr. Messi stated that he I just can't pull for a team within MLS or the Chicago Fire despite his deep Chicago roots saying, "They don't represent me. I just can't cheer for them. You think I'm going to watch that league over La Liga? I want to watch the best players in the world, and that's the kind of players that play on Barcelona."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we challenge Mr. Messi to name the entire Barcelona roster as a sign of his true fan credential.

Chivas USA Still In Running For 2017 Playoffs

August 5, 2016

LOS ANGELES - Analysts, today, predicted that Chivas USA is still not mathematically eliminated from the 2017 Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs despite not existing for the past three years.

Alumni Sacha Kljestan can't believe it either!

"Given the way the west is currently shaking out, and the fact that Chivas barely missed the playoffs despite not existing in 2015, our models show that Chivas USA is still not eliminated from playoff contention," stated statistical bureau chief Kelly Mcginn of USToday Magazine.

With the top and the bottom of the Western conference playoff race still in flux, statistical modelers are unable to really predict anything other than no teams are currently elminated.

"It's a crap shoot, to be certain," stated McGinn. "But if Chivas USA string together a lineup and a few wins, they definitely have enough of a chance as any other team to make it into the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we start our annual petition to bring El Chelis back to MLS.

Red Bull New York Admits Interest In Mario Batali

August 4, 2016

NEW YORK - After an internet campaign by three people in the Secaucus area brought the idea to light, Red Bull New York admitted their interest in Italian striker and chef Mario Batali.

"It's no secret that we could use help with our on field chemistry as well as our food preparation," stated Jesse Marsch. "What we didn't expect was the we would have fans out there so passionate as to ask for Mario Batali. I'm not entirely certain what he could do for us from a soccer perspective, but if the front office is willing to give him a trial spot.... well... I guess I'll take a look at him."

The internet campaign for #BATALITORBNY was formed by brothers Eric and Lou Dibraggio and their friend Rober Naves of Secaucus, NJ

"We wanted someone that was an international player and we heard that Batali was on the outs with whatever team he is with right now," stated Naves to The Nutmeg News. "We thought this would be a great way for our team to get more goal scoring into the team and a player we want to watch."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as RBNY and Batali combine to create a new delicious line of Energy boosting Spaghetti sauces with Taurine!

Revolution Fan Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!

August 4, 2016

Boston, MA - New England Revolution Fan Linda Stevens admitted that they were completely fine after the recent trade of Charlie Davies to the Philadelphia Union during the closing hours of the MLS Transfer Window.

The interns found this on Pinterest, but that does not make it any less relevant.

"I'm fine," stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. "Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!"

Reportedly, Stevens appeared to not actually be fine and was coping with their favorite player being lost to a conference rival after all the things that the Revolution fanbase had gone through with Charlie Davies over the years.

"STOP ASKING. I'M COMPLETELY FINE WITH EVERYTHING," denied Stevens as they decided to continue the exasperating condition of denial before moving onto acceptance in the stages of grief.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens admits that they might not be fine after all.