Husband To Divorce Husband If He Attempts To Manage Two Fantasy Leagues

Dayton, OH - With the start of the English Premier League (note: we can write it this way now, grammar nerds) this weekend, David DuChamp admitted that he was continuing with divorce proceedings if husband Oliver Stevens insisted upon managing another fantasy football league heading into the 2016/2017 season.

AND SO IT BEGINS

AND SO IT BEGINS

"The soccer thing is fine," stated Mr. DuChamp to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "However, I cannot stand by and let Oliver slide into the abyss of fantasy soccer, again. I refuse to have too many inconsequential conversations about Cedric Soares and his potential value in this league. Or whether Calum Chambers is going to be worth a punt with Mertesacker out for a while. Who even says, 'worth a punt'? WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO, DAVID."

According to Mr. DuChamp, his husband Oliver repeatedly gets sucked into the mundane work of preparing for the season by constantly researching players, finding the best value and fretting over setting up his initial lineup before forgetting to set his lineup around week 7 and then beating himself up about it during week 8 before trying to remember again and consistently repeating this methodology of mediocrity until the end of the season.

"This is just like his MLS fantasy league all over again, where he was made commissioner 'BY ACCIDENT' and now is managing everyone, calling people to remind them to submit lineups and approving trades between teams. No, we don't need to know who just picked up Alejandro Bedoya. And... And... AND if he gets back into another NFL fantasy league this season I'm done. I'M JUST DONE."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Oliver Stevens about his feeling on the matter and he spent 20 minutes convincing our reporter that he should join his premier league fantasy league as the time was still there to get into the system and he would pro-rate the buy in that he uses to pay out a large cash sum to the winner at the end of the year.