Soccer Leaks Into Man's Life As He Sees A Conspiracy Everywhere

Charleston, SC - Soccer fan Davis Maglor has admitted that a general feeling of conspiracy has leaked into his life from his rampant speculations regarding (as he stated), "the multiple overarching conspiracies in North American soccer."

"Can't you see the army of twit-bots that perpetuate the myths that I'm antisocial and that MLS is big in this country! It's a robot attack army hired by the Indian Monarchy to prevent soccer from getting big so they can get cricket to be huge here instead."

"How do I know that you aren't part of a secret US Soccer Federation detective agency hell-bent on taking my words and twisting them into.... oh .... damn... I'm doing it again," stated Mr. Maglor to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "You see, I can see them all the time in soccer so its easy to start imagining that there are secret cabals and formations and people out to get me in real life. OR MAYBE THERE ARE! I'm not certain anymore. I can't really see the difference between the lack of US Open Cup Streams and the faked Moon Landing on a sound stage in Chula Vista."

According to friends in his life, Mr. Maglor's nonsensical ramblings have taken a turn for the worse after he started reading individual proclamations of "how things are" from Twitter and Blogs online and assuming that they are factually true.

"He just started accepting that everything that he read was true. He told me once that he wasn't 100% certain that Don Garber wasn't a corporation registered in Rhode Island and run by a consortium of ex-pat Belgian land owners who want to ensure that Promotion and Relegation never happen by controlling the voice of soccer at the top division," stated friend Roger Joyce.

According to Mr. Maglor, he has to be careful about what he says as the censorship brigades from Major League Soccer may curtail his free speech (as they are want to do) in his private home after he ordered MLS Live 4 years ago before he knew the truth.

"They are coming for me, they are coming for my streams, they are coming for my soccer knowledge! I will be assimilated if I am not careful and my vital fluids absorbed into the dynamic fluid exchange of people who know soccer! None of this will prevent when the mole people elected by Zlatan come to take over the lower divisions in North America but my god! WE MUST STAY STRONG! I have recently gained a suspicion of my current girlfriend Sandra being involved. She says things like, 'I'm visiting friends this weekend,' but we all know that is code for being involved in a cabal to bring down my business interests!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Maglor's twitter account gains 2000 followers due to his rants.

RSL Fan Unsuccessful At Getting New Chant Approved

Salt Lake City - Pete Cetera, a Real Salt Lake city fan, has found that introducing new songs to supporters groups is not an easy task. He has reportedly shopped his idea around to La Barra Real, The RioT Brigade, Rogue Cavaliers Brigade, Section 26, Salt City United, and even paid $25 for a membership in order to propose the idea to Royal Army, but none of them were willing to adopt his idea.

"NOW! This is what we call FAN CHANTS! VOLUME 4!"

"I just think it's time we had some new songs," Cetera states. "These groups have had the same chants for a long time and I just wanted to introduce something new that we all could all sing-along with."

The chant he proposed was a modified version of the hit song “You’re the Best” that Joe Esposito wrote for the Karate Kid Soundtrack:

"You're the best, Re-al, nothing's gonna ever keep you down."

“I don’t care who you are,” Cetera continues, “When you hear that line you can’t help but pump your fist in the air. If our players heard that I think it’d give them the boost of adrenaline they need to secure another MLS Cup title for us. Plus this song would lead into a great chant of ‘sweep the leg Dannie’ we could yell to Danilo Acosta.”

The Nutmeg News met with James Atkin, the official chant approver from The RioT Brigade to get his viewpoint on the situation.

"The song he's proposing is way too old. No one does 80's songs anymore, especially after Philly and Colorado adopted 'Just Can't Get Enough. The 80's are over."

We then asked Atkin if he had any new chants that their group planned to introduce.

"Yeah, we've got a couple. We wanted to do some throwback oldies so we are going back and forth between a couple of them. The first is by some band called Jesus Jones that goes 'I want to feel Re-al, Re-al, Re-al, Do you feel Re-al, and if so I want to know.' I saw the title Real Real Real on some old CD my parents had and thought we could use it. The other is by a band called the Soupdragons and goes 'Cuz you're a Salt, Salt, Salt, Lake City Thing.' We'll be testing these out this year and see which one resonates more."

The Nutmeg News will have more as as Cetera unsuccessfully attempts to introduce a modified version of LA Tour’s ‘People Are Still Having Sex.’

Beleaguered News Magazine Pitch Session Void Of Ideas

The beleaguered news magazine, The Nutmeg News, had a pitch session on Tuesday morning that was void of ideas and columns after finding that satire was dead, having been killed off Monday evening by the Seattle Sounders.

"Well, we are fucked. Pack it in, folks. We are done here," stated Senior Editor, the junior editor of The Nutmeg News.

"As your lawyer, I advise you to rip off some Hunter S Thompson and go out into the desert, or the dessert, whichever sounds better."

"I don't know that you realize it yet, but we can't come up with anything more rediculous to follow the enormous, sanctimonious claptrap that happened yesterday. What is it going to be next? Sponsored Flame Canon Triceratops unicycle freaks urinating on grammatrain albums while singing Outkast Stankonia lyrics changed to reflect the conflict in the Sudan? See? It's all gone."

According to inside sources that are inside our usual inside sources which essentially means the narrator in this particular case but you didn't hear me squeal, The Nutmeg News can report that The Nutmeg News junior editor Senior Editor was last seen driving a convertible 1966 Lincoln Continental towards the desert with 2 dozen clay pigeons, a handle of Absinthe, a Remington shotgun, and a dog-eared copy of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 

"Shit's gonna get weird, people. Lets all just take some mushrooms, drop out for a bit and let the dust fall where it may," Mr. Editor exclaimed as he drove into the sunset before turning left onto the interstate.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue publishing because as soon as he left, the remaining editors had a sacrificial battle royal resulting in two bent fingernails and a cannibalized a Freddy Adu bobblehead utilized in a ritual in order to seize power.

DELTA, SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC AND GOALKEEPER STEFAN FREI UNITE SEATTLE WITH T.I.F.O. PROJECT

DELTA, SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC AND GOALKEEPER STEFAN FREI UNITE SEATTLE WITH T.I.F.O. PROJECT

Official Airline of Sounders FC and Frei to collaborate with fans throughout the season on multi-piece banner design in celebration of Delta’s support of Seattle; 60 fans to design T.I.F.O. piece at 30,000 feet on Delta’s first fan flight to away match in Portland

For Immediate Release: May 16, 2016

SEATTLE, WASH. – Delta Air Lines (NYSE: DAL) and Seattle Sounders FC are teaming-up to unite Seattle and celebrate Delta’s support of the city through one of soccer’s most storied traditions – a T.I.F.O. display.

“The Fabric of Sounders FC” is a T.I.F.O. collaboration under the creative direction of Stefan Frei, the team’s goalkeeper who is also a talented artist. The T.I.F.O. phenomenon runs deep in soccer culture and for Sounders FC fans, giving the community the opportunity to support the team through the creation of a large banner.

Developed over the course of the season, Delta, Sounders FC and its fans are creating a multi-piece banner, approximately 200 feet long and 75 feet wide, with each piece of fabric having its own unique design and telling a different story about Delta’s support of Seattle and the city’s love for Sounders FC. The completed T.I.F.O. will be unfurled on top of the East Delta Sky360 Club at CenturyLink Field on September28 at the Sounders FC home match against Chicago.

“Teaming-up with Delta for the Fabric of Sounders FC project is awesome because a sense of community is such a huge part of what makes the Sounders special,” said Frei. “Whether it’s people who are into art or people who are just fans of the Sounders – for art to be the medium that brings everyone together to support the club is huge.”

Frei is lending his creative vision to the project, helping with the overall design philosophy and serving as program ambassador throughout the season. The first piece of the T.I.F.O. is being created at an event at the Sounders FC training facility in Tukwila on May 18. Select fans, Voyager Middle School art students, Sounders FC Alliance members, Delta leaders and Sounders FC leaders are joining Frei for the creation of the first piece.

Sixty fans have the unprecedented experience of designing the final piece of the banner at 30,000 feet on a Delta charter fan flight just for Sounders FC fans to Portland for the team’s August 28 away match.  Fans can sign-up from May 16 to July17 to win two seats on the private fan flight and tickets to the match by visiting a dedicated “The Fabric of Sounders FC” site and registering to become a Delta SkyMiles® member or by entering their existing SkyMiles account information.

Throughout the campaign, fans will be able to visit “The Fabric of Sounders FC” site that will serve as an all-access destination to follow along in the design process as Frei’s vision comes to life.

“As Seattle’s global airline, we’re in the business of uniting people,” said Mike Medeiros, Delta’s Vice President – Seattle. “With more than 3,000 Seattle-area employees, our support for Sounders FC runs deep – this time, we’re taking it to the turf with a T.I.F.O. display that will unite Sounders FC fans and celebrate Delta’s commitment to the city.”

Over the course of the season, local community groups, Delta employees and Sounders FC fans can take part in the making of the additional banner pieces and help share the story of how Delta is stitching together the city of Seattle through their love of Sounders FC.  Events are taking place at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, CenturyLink Field, through social media and at various locations throughout the city.

In September, Delta and Sounders FC celebrated the extension of their partnership. For more information about “The Fabric of Sounders FC”, visitwww.SoundersFC.com/fabricofsfc.

“The Fabric of Sounders FC” is an extension of the airline’s You Can’t Stop Seattle brand campaign, which reveres Seattleites for their ideas and ambition and celebrates the growth and momentum of the city while telling the story of how Delta helps fuel Seattle’s pursuits. It celebrates Delta’s relationships with the city’s beloved, local teams — including Sounders FC – as well as its support of community organizations close to the hearts of Delta people. You Can’t Stop Seattle represents Delta’s significant investments in Seattle, whichhave driven changes across the competitive landscape – from product enhancements, to facility improvements, to financial benefits and community investment.

Delta has more than tripled its Seattle flights since 2012 and this summer will grow to 152 peak-day departures to 44 destinations around the globe from Seattle, including service to eight long-haul international destinations in Europe and Asia. Delta recently launched service to Boston, Orange County and Victoria, British Columbia.

Every Delta flight from Seattle features jet service with Delta One/First Class and Delta Comfort+ seating and free entertainment options via Delta Studio as well as Wi-Fi service on nearly every domestic aircraft operating in the contiguous U.S. Delta is the only carrier to offer full flat-bed seats with direct aisle access in Delta One on every long-haul international flight from Seattle along with entertainment on demand in every seat throughout the aircraft. The airline has also invested $15 million in its facilities at Sea-Tac, including its Delta Sky Club and lobby renovations, Sky Priority services, new gate area power recharging stations, expanded ticket counters and enhancements to the international arrivals area.

NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO ENTER OR WIN.  Open to entrants who are twenty one (21) years of age or older, who are legal residents of the Washington Stateand do not reside within 75 miles of Portland, Oregon.  Sweepstakes begins Monday May 16, 2016 and ends Sunday July 17, 2016.  For official rules visit www.SoundersFC.com/fabricofsoundersfc By entering this Sweepstakes, each entrant gives his/her express permission to be contacted by the Sponsor about other Sponsor programs.  Sponsor: Delta Air Lines, 1030 Delta Boulevard Atlanta, GA 30354-1989. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED

ABOUT DELTA AIRLINES

Delta Air Lines serves nearly 180 million customers each year. In 2016, Delta was named to Fortune’s top 50 Most Admired Companies in addition to being named the most admired airline for the fifth time in six years. Additionally, Delta has ranked No.1 in the Business Travel News Annual Airline survey for an unprecedented five consecutive years. With an industry-leading global network, Delta and theDelta Connection carriers offer service to 330 destinations in 61 countries on six continents. Headquartered in Atlanta, Delta employs nearly 80,000 employees worldwide and operates a mainline fleet of more than 800 aircraft. The airline is a founding member of theSkyTeam global alliance and participates in the industry’s leading transatlantic joint venture with Air France-KLM and Alitalia as well as a joint venture with Virgin Atlantic. Including its worldwide alliance partners, Delta offers customers more than 15,000 daily flights, with key hubs and markets includingAmsterdam, Atlanta,Boston, Detroit, Los Angeles, Minneapolis/St. Paul, New York-JFK and LaGuardia, London-Heathrow, Paris-Charles de Gaulle, Salt Lake City, Seattleand Tokyo-Narita. Delta has invested billions of dollars in airport facilities, global products and services, and technology to enhance the customer experience in the air and on the ground. Additional information is available on the Delta News Hub, as well as delta.com, Twitter @DeltaNewsHub, Google.com/+Delta,Facebook.com/deltaand Delta’s blog takingoff.delta.com.

ABOUT SEATTLE SOUNDERS FC

Winner of the 2014 MLS Supporters’ Shield and four Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup championships (2009, 2010, 2011, 2014), Sounders FC is Seattle’s Major League Soccer franchise. With an ownership group led by Seattle-based entrepreneur Adrian Hanauer, Hollywood executive Joe Roth, Seattle Seahawks Chairman Paul G. Allen and entertainer Drew Carey, the club received an MLS charter on November 13, 2007 and has reached the MLS Cup Playoffs in every year of its existence. Since the club’s debut MLS season in 2009, Sounders FC has set the standard for soccer support in North America by leading the league in attendance each year, culminating in the top six single-season attendance totals in league history and an active streak of 132 consecutive MLS sellouts. Prior to joining MLS, the Seattle Sounders organization has been a part of the greater Seattle community and U.S. Soccer professional scene since 1974.

ABOUT STEFAN FREI

Stefan Frei signed with Sounders FC prior to the 2014 season after spending the first five years of his professional career with Toronto FC. Since then, the Swiss international has held the starting goalkeeper position for Seattle, amassing an overall record of 38-24-11 with 22 shutouts. The Cal-Berkeley product was named Sounders FC’s Defender of the Year in 2015 after finishing in the top-five in MLS in nearly every goalkeeping category, including a tie for the league lead in fewest goals allowed.

New Song Proving To Be Complex To Get Started For Timbers Supporters

Portland, OR - A new song selection for the Timbers Army is proving to be complex to initiate as supporters are reportedly grousing about the implementation of a saxophone, timpani and violin section to the already complex dance moves, cattle herding and imaginary rests required to fully support the Timbers for 90 minutes.

"C'mon, everyone knows this song. Look guys, if we aren't able to get the Gong duet and Concertina choir in synchronous we are never going to see Nagbe score another goal. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER."

"This song is extremely important to show how much we support the team on the field," stated David Housman, director of the Timbers Army Violin and Cornet infantry. "We require a level of participation and concentration on this piece which will, in turn, show our focus to the boys on the field. It isn't important if the team knows that we are following the game if our Harpists are not hitting the requisite notes in time with the violin's Vivaldi like cadenza."

Reportedly, the Timbers Army is finding it difficult to coordinate this many disparate parts and have them all playing at the same time, requiring volunteers in the newly organized clarinet, saxophone, harpist and choir brigades to all show up for mandatory practices three nights a week. 

"Look if we don't nail the transition from the 12th century lute into the gong, we are never going to see Ridgewell clear the ball in time to prevent a goal. This is about us getting our own stuff right so that we can support even better, which will (in turn) drive the team onto victory. My god, if these people can't see that we light smoke bombs and then go into a bongo tilt after a goal, they need to get out of the stadium."

Sources within the Timbers organization told The Nutmeg News that they have reportedly asked the Capos for the Timbers Army to stop shouting "ADAGIO CANTABILE, MOTHERFUCKER... DO YOU KNOW IT?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army Soprano Choir claims that organization of the group is perpetuating gender norms under an unfair stereotype that only women can be sopranos.

"Bagpipes For Football, Not For ESPN," Claims FC Edmonton Piper

Edmonton, AB - FC Edmonton Bagpiper Paul MacDonald stated that, "Bagpipes are for football, not for ESPN," after receiving requests from the ESPN staff to play for the camera during the FC Edmonton win over the New York Cosmos on Sunday.

"Our brothers were banned from Twickenham! They were banned from Rugby! Against Modern Football! Against Modern Rugby Administrators And Other Fans That Don't Know That Bagpipes Are Great" - Paul MacDonald

Photograph: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

"I play for football, I play for my team, and I don't play for ESPN president John Skipper," stated MacDonald to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm not a trained monkey playing for an organ grinder. My pieces are meant to inspire, to lift up our team or to denigrate the opposition. I am firmly Against Modern Football Pipers and Against the appropriation of bagpipe culture and the commodification of Bagpipers as well as supporters culture, of which bagpipes are a part."

Reportedly, Mr. MacDonald has indicated that there is a trend of new modern pipers to just play for the cameras and to select pieces that don't reflect what is going on the field.

"I'm here for the lads and for the football, but there are pipers out there that are in this for the fame. The only fame is that achieved by the 11 on the field. When the cameras are gone, I'll still be playing. I'll be playing on recreational fields, and outside, and somewhere out Forest Heights or Mill Creek Ravine practicing because I need a place since the neighbors complained about this the last time I tried to practice in doors, but you CANNOT stop the brotherhood of football bagpipers!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Macdonald works on more up tempo selections to reflect a more youthful pipe perspective and attempts to pump up the team by exploring Beyonce's Lemonade as a Bagpipe exposition piece.

US Soccer Federation Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Last League Finally Leaves For The Start Of The Season

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation (USSF) breathed a huge sigh of relief, drank some mimosas and opened up a bottle of wine as the last league in the federation finally left for the start of the 2016 season.

"Now if we can just get the Central Conference out the freaking door."

"It's been a struggle to get the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) to the starting date, but finally we can kick back, relax, catch up on some daytime TV and just veg out with a nice Bordeaux," stated the United States Soccer Federation to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"We've been hording episodes of the Blacklist and the Mentalist so that when we get the NPSL out of the blocks we can just relax and watch some shows. I can't tell you how happy we are to finally get some peace and quiet around here.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the National Premier Soccer League about the start of the season and they had the following to say.

"With our staggered start, we were already slightly out the door, but now finally we are going to get gone. We kept going back to get laundry and extra players and more uniforms and use the kitchen, but at some point it's time to get back to actually playing games. I mean, the Aguiluchos have already played six, but that doesn't mean we can't go back to get those sweet lemon cakes that Sunil makes before the Milwuakee Torent start playing in June."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NPSL comes back with a couple new league entrants to just hang out next season, but totally not going to throw a party and light smoke bombs this time, ok? C'mon say it's ok, we will be responsible.

Denver Man Absolutely Certain He Has Handle On MLS Acquisition Rules

Denver, CO - Steven Albright has announced that he has finally gotten a handle on Major League Soccer Acquisition Rules, provided that nothing changes in the next few months, after a deep dive into the complex world of acquisitions, right of first refusal, salary cap, targeted allocation money, allocation money, designated player rules, young designated players rules, international spots, and roster rules.

"It's taken me 7 months, but I'm finally confident that I know how Major League Soccer acquires both regional and international players."

"It took me a few months, but I feel like I finally have a handle on the whole thing," stated Mr Albright to The Nutmeg News. "It's been a long road getting here, but it has been educational. As long as absolutely nothing major happens in the next few months, then I feel like I really have a grasp on everything."

While Mr. Albright foolishly has thought of the league acquisition rules as fixed and permanent, he also still has the best concept of the acquisition rules out of his circle of friends that attends Rapids games.

"We all depend on Steven to tell us how in the world players come and go in this league," said friend Philip Hilstep. "He always seems to know or at least has the want to learn how things happen. He has been a great resource."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Albright realizes that he is studying rules that have already changed in a few months.

"This Is Why We Need More Expansion," states Garber As He Prepares To Give LAFC Money To Zlatan

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) nervously paced the floor at MLS headquarters before signing a check for $110 million dollars to Zlatan Ibrahimović and stating to The Nutmeg News, "This.... This is why we need more expansion."

GIDDYUP

Reportedly the high octane pursuit of Zlatan occurred when Garber and company found out that the Paris St Germain striker was not as interested in moving to England as he was interested moving for $110 million dollars to literally anywhere.

"In order to prepare for Zlatan, we have had our rules and acquisitions committee working overtime to shred all of our previous transfer requirements, allocation orders, and discovery lists," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News on Friday morning.

"This is just going to be a fresh new start just for Zlatan that we are going to call the Zlatan Rule, which is coincidentally close to the same rule that we allow for every major star we get in this league with the major twist that we are just going to pay him a boat load of money. Basically the Zlatan rule will consist of players of a certain level being asked, 'where do you want to go?' When they tell us where they want to go and agree to go there, they get a massive over-sized check for real moneys that we collected a year earlier; and they, the player, go to the team they selected. It's that simple."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ibrahimović submits his playing contract which includes stipulations on no travel over 1100 miles in length and no turf games.

Kamara Heel Turn Elevates Higuain Face Status Before MLS Wrestlemania

NEW YORK - It has been revealed by sources in Major League Soccer (MLS) that Kei Kamara's heel turn from face contender was reportedly well received at the Major League Soccer front office in November after the former Crew forward pitched the idea during an advanced strategy meeting with the Major League Soccer front office.

"CAN YOU SMEELLLLLLLLLLL WHAT KAMARA IS COOKING?!"

"We knew that Kamara going Heel during the final moments of the transfer window would push Higuain to epic face status and set up an high flying no holds barred ladder match at MLS Wrestlemania," stated director of programming for Major League Soccer Carlotta Stevens. "This character arc really enforces the upcoming match between Kamara, Higuain, Samoa Joe and Finn Balor that will bring the house down when Finn betrays Joe and teams up with Higuain to pile drive Kamara into a collection of tables and then score a panenka."

While the heel turn for Kamara was unexpected by fans, Major League Soccer has reportedly been setting this up for over six months after intentionally leaking out Kamara's contract dispute to pave the way for his eventual betrayal.

"It's all part of the master plan. It's not quite on the level as the Montreal Screwjob, but we are just starting to work with our athletes to guide them on a character development arc," stated Ms. Stevens. "Eventually we want to work with Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux to have them team up with Sasha Banks for a three woman battle Royal when we incorporate NWSL stars at our MLS Cup Wrestlemania halftime review."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Kei Kamara changes his walk out music to reflect his new identity.

Random Man On Internet Very Disappointed In USOC Actions

Dallas, TX -  Jerry Canover, soccer fan and moral arbiter of all things in the universe, reportedly was exceptionally disappointed in both the Harpos FC team and Detroit City FC fans for their actions after their US Open Cup games stating, "I'm not a fan of either of your teams, I barely follow the US Open Cup, none of you know me, I will never buy any of your merchandise, and I will never make it to any of your games, but I feel compelled to tell you online how disappointed you made me."

"I used to enjoy your antics, but I hope you understand how much you have disappointed me. You aren't Manchester United and you should feel bad because of this. Don't you know that soccer isn't about having fun? It's about pain and regret and slowly killing yourself with angst." - Jerry Canover

Reportedly, Canover was not following the annual tournament at all until he logged on to Reddit in the early hours of Thursday only to find that Harpos FC actually had a picture of their players drinking a beer in celebration and that the Detroit City FC fans rushed the field in celebration of their penalty kick victory over the Michigan Bucks.

"THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS," screamed Canover through his twitter account @DALInternetSoccerExprt. "How dare they enjoy themselves. Soccer is a dour affair where men must suffer and fans live in anguish and total subservience to the utter meaningless nature of their life. This life we live is hell upon earth and the only cleansing thing you can do to take things very seriously and live with my moral code imprinted upon your heartbeat until you die."

According to sources that know him, Canover is still frustrated that fans and teams that he doesn't know and don't care about him aren't beholden to his own personal viewpoints on North American Soccer, Major League Soccer, The US Open Cup and how to live a daily life.

"It's my way, full stop. And I'm going to ensure that I vocalize this every time some subjective rule of mine is broken in a major way online. The only way to ensure that people understand how wrong they are is by telling them this frequently in internet forums and social media."

The Nutmeg News will have more on as Mr. Canover takes Ventura County Fusion, Sacramento Gold, and Lansdowne Bhoys FC to task for failing to understand their place in the soccer world.

Targeted Allocation Money Happy For Second Chance In Columbus

Columbus, OH - After hearing of the trade from the New England Revolution to the Columbus Crew, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM) hung up his phone, hugged his mother and gave thanks for a second chance at cracking the lineup once more.

"I thought I was done in this league," stated TAM to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "However, we can all now see that if you keep working, if you keep grinding, you will have a chance to really make an impact. Glory to God on this momentous day."

While most Revolution fans indicate that Targeted Allocation Money wasn't living up to the hype during his time in Revolution colors, many of the fans that we spoke with wished him well as he headed off for the Yellow, Black, Blue, White and other colors they added to the third kit of Columbus.

"He was versatile, and they really tried to get him to make an impact but it was very clear that TAM needed a second chance somewhere else," stated Revolution fan Heidi Montcalm. "We liked his fire, but he just wasn't useful for us in this current lineup."

Crew fans have stated disbelief that they acquired the vaunted Targeted Allocation Money as many fans rushed the team store to purchase kits with #10 Money kits.

"He's Ours! WHAT A DAY TO BE ALIVE! We acquired Targeted Allocation Money," stated David Burroughs of Columbus.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TAM prepares for his first day with the Crew.

PreCog Taylor Twellman Finds Future and Present Time Indistinguishable

Boston, MA - As he woke up in a translucent liquid that focuses his ability to see the future, Taylor Twellman screamed, ** TRANSFER INCOMING -- KEI KAMARA TO THE NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION**"

Twellman's focusing pool where he works with other precogs to train them on finding confirmed transfer reports.

This was the beginning of The Nutmeg News interview with Mr Twellman and we waited til he was dressed to speak to him about his precognitive abilities on the veranda of his palatial estate in Boston

"Life Is hell and I'm about to lose my hat," stated Twellman as he looked off into the distance while a cold wind blew his hat off into his waiting hand. "Or maybe life was hell. I can no longer distinguish between the present and the future. All things are one within the multiverse, the universe, player transfers and major soccer events. Also, you are about to have a ladybug land on your jacket and your phone is going to ring."

Both of these last events happened as predicted, but this should come as no surprise anymore. It has long been an open secret that Twellman's ability to disclose transfer information before it happens is unnatural, but he reports that living with the ability to see the future, the past and the present all as one heaving organism that tumbles within his frontal cortex out to the world is not a walk on the beach.

"Giovinco goal, assisted by Bradley, 31st minute, the defense should have closed down the open man," randomly stated Mr. Twellman again as he spoke with our reporter. "I don't know where it comes from, but I can feel it upon me at times. It is akin to when you can't remember a song title, but you know it will come to your memory if you just focus. I can see the things that happen," Mr Twellman paused here, shuddered and screamed ** MASSIVE TRADE INCOMING** before continuing with our interview, "but I can't do anything but be a vessel, a conduit for the information out there."

While Mr Twellman stated that being able to see both the future and the present and the past at one time is both a blessing and a curse, he also emphatically stated, "Matthew, Don't get married to Karina, it doesn't turn out well. Also, this whole seeing the future thing has never worked for me with MLS Fantasy, which is crazy. It seems that being able to see the future only works in the real world. Go figure."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Twellman accurately predicts that the response to the Kamara trade within the Columbus fanbase will not be immediately positive.

Man Arbitrarily Roots For Sunderland Relegation

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Horatio Gomez decided, randomly, at 8:30 am pacific time to root against Sunderland for the remaining two games of the season stating, "Fuck those guys, I hope they get relegated," on his twitter account.

"I have no strong feelings on Luton Town" - Horatio Gomez

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Gomez via phone about his recent realization.

"I don't have any particular reason to hope that they go down, but I saw some fans talking shit online about teams that I tend to like and they were Sunderland fans so I've just decided that I don't like them now and I hope they get relegated."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez doesn't typically feel strongly about any of the teams in the relegation battle and empathizes with their fanbase, but the twitter account of one Sunderland fan has rendered him into a frothing hater of all things Wearside. 

"I hate Sunderland, I hate Sam Allardyce, and I hate... um.... what's the name of a player on their team? Is Altidore still playing for them? No? Well, I hate... hold on.... Whabi Kharzi. There. I hope they go down to the Championship and never come up. SUCK ON THAT @WearSunFanatic69"

Nicklas Bendtner Explores Idea Of Creating MLS Transfer Rumor

Wolfsburg, DE - International superstar and Major League Soccer rumor acquisition bait Nicklas Bendtner has reportedly started exploring the idea of creating an MLS Transfer Rumor as his recent contract with Wolfsburg has been terminated.

Coming to the LA Galaxy! MAYBE!

Photo: Oliver Hardt : Getty 

"I need money and I need fame," stated Bendtner to TNN international correspondent Gustaf Reinholt on Wednesday. "I feel like I could find both by leveraging the MLS as a place to run rumors while utilizing those rumors to get another team in Italy to take a chance on me."

Reportedly Bendtner called his agent Ivan Marko in order to strategize a way to utilize the North American league in order to get more money and interest from teams like Chievo Verona or Bologna.

"We can leverage some interest in my name as it is internationally famous," stated Bendtner. "Let's just use the US Press machine to make it seem like I'm in demand and then we can get a better paycheck from Italy."

The Nutmeg News spoke to commissioner Don Garber about the Bendtner To MLS rumor and he had the following to say, "Major League Soccer is beyond excited to work with a player of Lord Bendtner's capabilities. We are already changing the league structure by virtue of instituting new player acquisition rules in order to allow the acquisition of Niklas by whichever teams he deems worthy of his services."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors of Bendtner to MLS swirl and the die off. 

US Open Cup Madness Sweeps Over Dozens Of People

Denver, CO - As she gently tapped on the window on her local coffee shop shouting, "Harpo's FC is the team of the proletariat," Ms Doris Applebee of Denver, Colorado admitted that she was excited for this evening's US Open cup matchup of Harpo's FC versus Albuquerque Sol FC with the 2016 version of the United States Open Cup tournament kicking off on Wednesday.

"Can they do it again? 10's of people want to know!" 

Photograph: Richard Laemming Wheeler /Pockets of Peace

"Harpos FC will rise up and give a voice for the people as we gather around our youtubes and our computers to watch grainy feeds of the...is there a feed? No? Maybe? Well, if there isn't a feed we will gather around our twitter accounts and watch as the game unfolds allowing us to re-tweet the sundry game action in smug satisfaction!" 

While Ms. Applebee is excited for the upcoming tournament, she is not the only one as literally dozens of fans nation wide are excited by the tournament kicking off today.

"I can't wait," stated Paul Harrison of Tucson as he prepares for FC Tucson to take on San Nicolas FC. "I know that I and a few people that I know from the few times we casually nodded to each other while at a Tucson game are excited to host our US Open Cup game tonight."

The Nutmeg News acquired an interview with US Soccer Federation CEO Dan Flynn about the kickoff of the 2016 US Open Cup and he had the following to say, "Who, and What is kicking off? Are you on drugs?"

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Sandra and Alvin Redding of Portland, Maine about tonight's GPS Portland Phoenix game against AFC Cleveland and they expressed a measure of excitement stating, "Our son plays for Phoenix, so naturally we are going. Can't wait to see the game, we hope there is going to be more people there than the two of us."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people in your twitter feed constantly attempt to remind you of the USOC kicking off tonight before you forget.

Aggressive USSF US Open Cup Advertising Concludes With Singular Scheduled Tweet

The US Soccer Federation (USSF) concluded their aggressive US Open Cup advertising with a singular scheduled re-tweet on the day before the USOC kicks off shining an impressively dim spotlight on the annual tournament.

THAT IS SOME ADVERTISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I had it in my outlook calendar to re-tweet something appropriate," stated US Soccer Federation public relations manager James Hargood. "We thought that we could create a firestorm by re-tweeting a notification from another, less popular twitter account that we are kinda using to aggregate everything. I mean, that's information enough for the general population."

Sources within the US Soccer Federation indicate that the top brass didn't want to push the tournament too much via advertising, public relations and television opportunities in case there was too much media saturation of the nationwide phenomenon.

"It's important to us to not tell people about the tournament," stated President of the USSF Sunil Gulati. "We don't want people to be overwhelmed with all the information out there on The Cup. What with the 24 hour ESPN coverage and the day of Cup broadcasts on all NBC Sports affiliates and the whip around show on Youtube that has cut in coverage of all the games with professional hosts, we fear that the general population is approaching a saturation point with US Open Cup Coverage."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation scales back it's advertising for next year.

Nihilist Crew Fan Admits, "None Of This Really Matters"

Columbus, OH - Nihilist Columbus Crew fan Harold Buttermaker has admitted that none of the recent problems with the Columbus Crew matter in the long run because, "They will likely make the playoffs anyway."

"Kei, you don't understand that the sun is going to explode and incinerate the Earth in a few million years anyway and even if that happens we will still make the playoffs... I mean, that's why you shouldn't take the penalty kick."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Buttermaker at his job on Tuesday afternoon as rumors swirled of a purported trade of either Kamara or Higuain before the transfer window closes.

"None of this matters. The arguments of the fans, the Capital Side, The Nordecke, Harrison Afful, Federico Higuain, Kei Kamara, Gregg Berhalter, Anthony Precourt, they come and go, and yet we all still make it into the playoffs in perpetuity as the world spins endlessly towards totally annihilation, dooming us all in the future."

According to sources inside his life, Mr Buttermaker's opinion on the situation of the Columbus Crew has been greatly influenced by the rising oceans, the theft of our natural resources, the knowledge that all humans die eventually and the knowledge that it is nearly impossible to miss the Major League Soccer playoffs and once you are in, "who knows what will happen."

"I'd get bent out of shape but in the end... does it really matter if Higuan or Kamara fight over a penalty kick? Does it matter if I stand in the Nordecke or on the Capital Side? Does it matter if Precourt signs Berhalter to a 10 year extension? No. We are still going to make the playoffs, and we will likely play better at some point, or not. Everyone will find a way to get along, or they will trade players. Something will happen, or nothing... either way, we are likely going to make the playoffs."

Chicago Fire Offer "Buy 0 Get 10" Ticket Event To Attract Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a "Buy 0 Get 10" ticket event on Tuesday in order to attract fans as Andrew Hauptman panhandled tickets to anyone willing to talk to him at the 294 overpass right next to the McDonald's off 76th Ct. 

PHOTO: @EmptySeatPics

"I mean this is a sellout!"

"FREEE TICKETS! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TICKETS" screamed Hauptman as a line of cars drove by and the drivers attempted to not make eye contact with the owner of the Chicago Fire.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Hauptman on his new street corner about this new ticket sales event and he had the following to say.

"We are reducing tickets to a low low price! All you need to do is be living or willing to bring a corpse with you and we will give you tickets to the game. How many do you want? I'll give you 5... no 6... no 10...no 20 tickets! 20 Tickets and all you have to do is show up to a game with as many living or dead people, or even mannequins, to fill the stands."

Hauptman stated that he was considering filling the stands with sentient robots if he couldn't give away his tickets stating, "Robots don't care if you insult them and show them terrible play and ensure that in a league where everyone makes the playoffs that you don't. At least the ones we would have in the stands wouldn't care."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire try to come up with more ticket giveaway ideas.

Vancouver Whitecaps Issue Press Release Stating, "We Offer No Opinion On Fort McMurray" After Banner Hang Kerfuffle

VANCOUVER - The Vancouver Whitecaps hastily issued a press release clarification stating their ambivalence to the Fort McMurray situation on Monday after a "Support Fort McMurray" banner was allowed to hang in the supporters section of the Whitecaps fans during a game against the Portland Timbers on Saturday.

"Pride has been cancelled and we are expecting refunds from You Can Play"

"We do not condone political messages of any kind," stated Whitecaps Chief Operating Officer Rachel Lewis. "After a quick discussion with our Whitecaps supporters we decided to leave the banner as it was already hanging and we didn't want to cause a scene. However, the Whitecaps must categorically state that we will not tolerate political messaging of any kind and renounce the idea that the Whitecaps support  or do not support or even think about Fort McMurray and the issues that city is facing."

Ms. Lewis went on to say, "we are also retracting our support for Pride, and give racism the red card as these are both are inherently political statements. Supporters will be advised that supporting LGBT rights and opposing racism as a political statement in B.C. Place are antithetical to what the Whitecaps are about. We are attempting to craft a family friendly atmosphere free of any kind of thoughts as to the outside world what-so-ever and rampant political abuse like Support Fort McMurray draws attention to the suffering of others."

While Whitecaps supporters offered solidarity with the banner that was spray painted, they were reportedly not surprised to hear of the Whitecaps decision as security there has cracked down on any political statements in the past.

"While it is disappointing to find out that the Whitecaps must vocalize that they don't support Fort McMurray, we the fans will still make ourselves heard, unless, of course, they confiscate all of our supposedly political banners in the future," stated Whitecaps fan Dean Parot. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Whitecaps issue a statement claiming the previous statement and the conversation about the banner was taken out of context.